The Distance

Favorite things of this very moment (12:00 pm):

• A Year in the World by Frances Mayes
• Daydreams
• Waking up to sunshine this morning which helped to dissipate the remnants of discontent and fear that I fell asleep with
• A functioning alarm clock
• Understanding parents
• Finishing the sugar, milk, and delectable flavored coffee that I brought with me from home this morning and savored as I read
• That 2008 is close at hand

I slept soundly till this morning when my alarm woke me up. I dreamt all through the night though I don't remember any of them. They were fairly well filled with turmoil, unspoken promises, broken hearts, fear, and disillusion. Yes, I know I just said I didn't remember them... I don't, but the feelings remained. When my alarm went off, I thought someone was drunk dialing me again (it did happen this past weekend, from someone I never expected...which made it comical, even if he did wake me up in the middle of the night) only to realize the sun was shining and I needed to get up for work. It was comforting.

I spent yesterday evening with Jeff. He called twice yesterday. The first time to wish me a merry Christmas, and the second time to ask me to go to a movie with him. He said we hadn't spent much time together in a long time, and he thought we should. Sometimes you get so far away only to realize that despite your best intentions, best interest, the miles or time span...you're still in the same spot. Or can quickly find yourself sitting next to someone smiling and listening as if time has been standing still waiting for you to find it.

And then you realize you really have been growing up because though you're performing the same function and routine that you've lived through a thousand times before, as you close your eyes and listen, the voice is the same, but the person speaking is someone different from the one you saw when your eyes were open. Sometimes you can only really see someone when you're eyes are closed.

Which brings us back to going to sleep in such a wickedly cynical and fatalistic state of mind and waking up this morning letting the sunshine loose the fingers of feelings better left unsaid that had used their claws to hook themselves as deeply and painfully as they could in my heart and head. Morning light sometimes makes all the difference...