Are We Done?

I miss this.  I miss him.  I miss this version of him.  My version of him.  The one that is one of my closest friends.

On the other hand, I still don't understand why I am making a face that looks that stupid.  Ha.

Life is strange and interesting.  I always find it interesting that texting can make someone seem right their with you and also a million miles away at the same time.  Because of the texting it seems like Sam and I are back where we started.  Talking every day.  The difference is that I can tell he is holding back and that I am no longer a main focus in his life.  I miss this.

It's time to grow I guess.

Go Serve

(Andy Shaw and I getting the garlic bread cut up and taken care of for the dinner. I think Andy is probably asking me how he needs to arrange the bread in the pan. That cracked me up. I mean, really?)

Favorite things of this very moment (12:00 pm CST):

• Knowing the Go Serve Team got my letters this morning and that it gave them all something to smile about (and possibly think I'm a psycho for...ha)
• Brand New's song "Moshi Moshi"
• Black tank tops & long jeans
• Getting a few minutes to talk to Ben
• Knowing I've only been up for 2 hours (Do you know the last time I slept in?)
• New music to listen to
• Memories of this past weekend

This weekend was wonderful.

Let me try to explain what it felt like.

Imagine being stuck in the middle of the desert without water. You're alone and you are completely dried out. You can't remember how long you've been like this, and you aren't sure how much longer you can hold on. Then imagine being found and rescued by people who love you and they have tons of cold, refreshing, life-giving water with them. That's a little bit what it was like.

I have felt like a fire doused with water. Smoldering embers of a former fire.

But this weekend was a fire renewed. The Go Serve team comes up from ABC and lights everything back up. I had a purpose and was surrounded by friends. It was wonderful. The concept of the Go Serve team is for a group of college students go around to churches around the country and help out in any way they can. They clean and help and do literally whatever they can to be of use. It was inspiring and wonderful.

Spent a lot of time talking to the crew, working with them so that I could serve along side them and help them in any way I could, made a new friend, and got to grow my relationships with some friends.

Life is good and I needed hope. Without meaning to, they definitely supplied it. God gave me a gift of a good weekend with people I love. A mini oasis in life. I am grateful. Hopefully I'll be able to further that fire. Hopefully you'll find something to do that for you too.

God's Voice

(My favorite picture of the beautiful and wonderful Heather Hermann. Jeff took this at his Sr. Prom)

Favorite things of this very moment (2:40 pm CST):

• Bowling for Soup singing "Life After Lisa"
• Large pink glasses of water full of ice
• Sunshine on the snow, sunshine in general
• Feeling clean

Yesterday I spent some time with Heather. It was great. She got to play with Amelia, we went to dinner and then we hung out and watched a couple of movies. It was a real relaxed and hilariously silly evening, as always. She said something yesterday before we left for dinner though that's been knocking around in my head ever since. She said she's taking this Lent to clear out everyone else's voices so she can hear God's voice telling her what He wants her to do next.

Heather is graduating with her Bachelor's in just under 3 months, and she doesn't have a clue what she wants to do next. She's thinking about applying to the Peace Corp or possibly even the Coast Guard or maybe just trying to find a job. She doesn't know. I know how she feels. I know she's frustrated with people constantly giving her suggestions and for her heart to be constantly tugging her in different directions. It's rough.

She's been talking to a friend of ours who is studying to become a priest (he's getting ordained in just under 3 months as well), and he suggested her taking Lent to try her hardest to listen to God. I think that's a brilliant suggestion. A little over a month to clear everything else away and just listen. I hope it works for her. More importantly, I'm honestly considering doing the same thing.

I know one of my major failings anymore is my inability to make myself hold still. I seem to really struggle with the idea of taking and making time for God. When this started, I'm not entirely sure, but I know I've been struggling ever since. Maybe I'll take this time leading up to Easter, this Lent, and I'll truly take the time to work back to where I should be.

Thank you, Heather. Thank you, Jeremy. Thank you, God.

Let's see what happens.

Dross

Sometimes, I'm realizing, you just have to be pushed to realize your correct direction. I've been watching people a lot lately (not that there's ever been much of a time where this wasn't a common occurrence), and I've been thinking about this. I think trials are what make us who we really are.

There's a song that we use to sing all the time at church, of course it's name escapes me at the moment, but it went something like this, "Start a fire in me/Let the flames run free/Burn away the dross/Holy fire of God." This song went on for an eternity, but it did capture my imagination. Sometimes we are truly given a trial by fire. You experience a major tear in a relationship, you heart is broken, you or someone you love becomes seriously ill or injured, someone you love dies, people decide to turn there lives completely out of moral reality...

Sometimes life pushes us to our very edge. It's in these times of loneliness, brokenness, solitude, that we realize who and what we really are. When we're stripped bare of all our extras, of all the things we thought we needed, all of what we believe we were, only to realize that what's left behind after tragedy is new growth...

We a stronger. We, the broken, are the courageous ones if only we are willing to stand back up.

A friend of mine has been alone for years. He's a great, loving, God-fearing guy with a ridiculous sense of humor, but he's been alone. Earlier this year, he told me that he'd come to terms with the fact that he'd probably be alone for the rest of his life. He'd decided that even if he never found the girl of his dreams, that was okay, because he finally knew who he was. And that's when I started to see knew growth. He'd been stripped of his dreams, and it wasn't that he'd lost hope, he'd gained perspective and wisdom that I still can't comprehend. His patience and joy in the midst of frustrating times are truly inspiring. Even though he'd been alone for so long...there is a happy ending, because, he's recently fallen in love. He's found himself a wonderful girl, and I genuinely hope that this is the one.

Life has a funny was of coming back around. I guess the best plan is to keep living each moment for the best, and in the end...it works out.

The Covenant

Back in July of last year, I went to FUEL. For anyone who doesn't know, this is the national youth gathering every year for the Church of God of the Abrahamic Faith. This past year, I took a class called "Overcoming the Darkness" which was taught by an amazing couple from Kokomo, IN named Dale & Julie Bliss. Dale is the pastor at the church their in Kokomo, and Julie is deeply involved with the ministry.

These two never beat around the bush.

This particular class was about addictions and overcoming addictive behaviors. It was all about owning up to what is going on in your life, facing those demons, and learning how to overcome them. At the beginning of the week, Dale gave us a sheet of paper outlining a covenant. He told us to seriously consider what the paper said, and then, if we felt we were truly committed to this change in our lives, that we should sign it. He also said we should only do this after a serious amount of consideration and prayer.

Do you know what a covenant truly is? It isn't a contract. Contracts are made so that there is an out clause. A way to escape the promise you've made, contracts are not necessarily permanent. Covenants are different. In biblical times, if you entered into a covenant, you entered into it with your life as forfeit. Covenants were made in blood. They were permanent. Death was the only out to a covenant. That's why marriages are supposed to be covenant relationships. (That's why part of the marriage ceremony includes the words "till death do us part.")

The following is the Covenant that Dale gave us to consider:

The Overcomer's Covenant in Christ

I place all my trust and confidence in the Lord and I put no confidence in the flesh.

I know that I cannot save myself, nor set myself free. God has provided a way of escape.

I consciously and deliberately choose to submit to God and resist the devil.

I choose to humble myself before the mighty hand of God that He may exalt me at the proper time.

I declare the truth that I am dead to sin, freed from it and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

I gladly embrace the truth that I am now a child of God--unconditionally loved and accepted.

I reject the lies of the enemy and seek the truth that has the power to set me free.

I declare that sin shall no longer be master over me; and there is no more guilt or condemnation.

I renounce every unrighteous cry of my body.

I declare that I am no longer conformed to this world; I am transformed by the renewing of my mind.

I commit myself to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

I commit myself to God's great goal for my life to conform to His image in Christ Jesus.

I know that I will face many trials, but God has given me the victory.

I am not a victim--I am an overcomer in Christ.

I, Jaymin Louise (not Louise) Cheatwood, signed this covenant on July 31, 2008. Tonight I am recommitting to it's words and meaning. Fully. I am not perfect, and I will screw up, but I am going to do my best to live up to the words of this covenant. Not contract, covenant. This is binding. This is permanent. This is in blood. Please help me with this. Please pray that I will make the best decisions, not just the ones I feel are easy. I want to live up to this.

Beyond this, today has been wonderful. The weather was gorgeous, and it found me walking to the grocery store first thing this morning to get myself some caffeine. I got my homework done, did Pilate's, got some laundry and chores taken care of, and I worked on some reading and letters I've been meaning to do. I even got to talk to Nikky and draw with the sidewalk chalk she gave me when she was here visiting. All I can do is ask for more days like today. Days where I get up with the right attitude, and do my best to behave and stand by my promises.

I can do this, but it's going to be rough.

As I'm doing this, the next question is this: What can I do for you? Can I help you somehow? How can I encourage you?

Lastly tonight, I've been forgetting the most important part of my posts a lot lately: the favorite's list, so let's make up for that, eh?

My Favorite Things of This Very Moment (10:01 pm CST):

• Sidewalk chalk (Thank you, Nikky!)
• Good memories
• Being able to walk around outside without my shoes
• A&W Cream Soda
• Sunshine
• A working vehicle
• Being able to type this entire post while sitting in the comfort of my burnt orange overstuffed arm chair in my bedroom from the new laptop (woohoo! Nik, this thing is fantastical...honestly, wireless being picked up in my bedroom? Who doesn't love that?)
• David Crowder
• Borrowed books

Good night, my friends. I hope you have a fantastic night and that you find all the strength and joy you need to face tomorrow and live it to the very best, I mean, it's a Friday, what's lovelier than that?

What to Say

Favorite things of this very moment (11:10 pm CST):

• Sex God by Rob Bell
• Being allowed to borrow books from friends
• The large blue water bottle Kayla gave me last week (it's my new best friend)
• Playing with iTunes
• Chuzzle
• Sunshine and green grass...spring is finally, truly here
• Being invited to a party for a friend who is celebrating 10 years with her kidney transplant
• Your face...sorry, couldn't resist this morning

I have Mat Nathanson's song "Come on Get Higher" stuck in my head right now. Amazing.

My title speaks the truth: I'm not sure what to say.

It's amazing how you can recommit to something and almost instantly screw it up. I won't deny that my behavior has been counterproductive the past few days, so I've decided to try something different.

Till Friday (it's a test run), I'm not going to watch movies by myself. This is not because I make horrible movie choices or anything like that. Nope, it's because I tend to eat without thinking when I'm watching movies by myself. As a result of this idea, I've already finished one book, and have only eaten a bowl of cereal so far today. Depending on how this goes for the rest of the week, I may stretch this project out a bit longer.

I've also realized I need to find more things to do with my hands. Constructive things. Things that will help build people up, encourage them, or just make their lives a little nicer.

First project on my list? Try to get several letters out this week. Second? Get all the materials together to start working on a baby blanket for a couple I'm friends with. Bright blue and a bright red, I'm thinking. That way it will work for either a boy or a girl. I like to cover all my bases, plus that just seems to be a pair of colors that will work for the family. I don't know how to explain that much better. I just want it to be something that the parents will look at and think, "Yeah, that'll work." That they won't find hideous. haha.

This concept of doing more for others comes out of Rob Bell's book, Sex God. He made the point that in Ephesians (I think, forgive me if I'm wrong about which book it's in, I'll have to double check later) Paul says that those who steal should steal no more. But he goes one step further, he tells them that they must do good works with their hands. Trade their addiction to self in for something much better. I need to be doing this. My life has become a bit too shut off. I've become a bit too self-involved, and I need to find ways to truly reach out to others and help them.

There is always a better way.

Pick a Card

Favorite things of this very moment:

• The above picture. It makes me laugh constantly and I really don't know why. Probably the absolute absurdity of the kids face...good grief
• Mat Kearney
• Sweet Valley brands Orange Soda
• Colored pencils (hey, I love coloring too)
• Graph paper notebooks
• Visual bookshelf of Facebook (still my favorite application EVER)
• Removing people from my friends lists after we've come to a point where we: a) never talk, b) aren't particularly fond of each other, and c) the very mention of their name riles me up...
• Telling people what they need to hear, even if it's hard (I'm actually proud of myself for not chickening out)
• Knowing that within 8 days I'll be done with yet another year of college...thank goodness
• Accents (particularly southern or the kind of western, farm country accent)

So...

I've been running into lots of memories that make me think of Sarah. I realized that the only bad part about FUEL this year will be that she is not by my side. I've gotten use to that being a week we spend a crazy amount of time together, and I've been so proud to introduce my little sister to my friends and get to actually spend quality time getting to know her. She never ceased to amaze me with her generosity, silliness, and absolute zest for life and people. I only hope that when I die I will be remembered with the love and laughter she will be remembered for.

The odd thing is that in the wake of her death I suddenly realized a couple of things about myself. Things that were completely obvious to people around me (I'm sure):

1. That I have completely lost track of myself
2. That I do not believe in myself at all
3. That I have let myself go (*sigh* uuuugh)
4. That I have no life goals and/or ambitions to drive at

What is the deal? I can pinpoint when everything fell apart for me: Jacob Zuniga's death.

What drives me crazy is that I know this is not what my life should be. He would not want me to be like this, and I certainly do not want to remain like this. I just am so uncertain in everything that it is ridiculous.

I've given myself a time-period finally. A clock of sorts. I have decided that I must know what I will do this next year by the end of May. I have to have a plan picked out, decided on, and set in motion by May 31st because if I don't start moving forward like I constantly pretend I am than I am going to be living in my bedroom at my parents house for the rest of my life. I love my folks and they love me, but this situation is unhealthy to continue in without having a plan to eventually (hopefully sooner) get myself out into the real world (ish) being a competent adult.

Goals. That's what I need. I need something to strive for. And my mom is probably right...I need someone or something to take care of. I currently am doing a fabulous job of wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing, self-depreciation and a lot of other selfish (ha!) and pointless areas.

Change is possible, isn't it?

When Dreams Don't Lie

Let's skip my favorite things list for a moment and totally break protocol.

My nightmare was completely accurate (expect for the part about Jeff, and right now, I don't know if I even mentioned that part). "New friend Jenny" is very real. I knew it. He really likes her.

And now for the weirder part, I still can't cry. Not that it's even been 2 hours since I found out about this, but I just can't. I hope he's happy. He deserves all the happiness in the world. He's a good man. A strong man. And I think he's wonderful. I've been praying for him daily, that he would find peace and joy, that if I wasn't the girl for him that God would bring him that girl.

No, I'm not saying that this girl is for sure The One for him, but if she was, that's wonderful. Sure, it means that I'm still here broken hearted, but my time will come. Eventually. I don't ever want to be any one's last resort or 2nd choice. I want to be first. This is important to me, and I don't ever want to do that to anyone else either.

Right now there's a definite void. Very defined. And it's going to be frustrating putting him in a new place in the order of how I think and feel, but I will do it.

As much as I am tired of this place, it's the right one...

And now, to totally mess with everything normal, I shall make a list because this needs to end on a more positive note than me dwelling on being miserable. It would be a lousy thing for me to do.

Favorite things of this very moment (10:28 am):

• The Internet
• Real Simple magazine
• Walks
• That I can check my email at work
• Sleep
• "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6
• Grapes (which remind me of such silly times and taste oh, so good)
• My lovely Fiji water bottle
• The truth (even when it hurts)

I'm out.