Recycle

(Picture by Terrence Raper)

Favorite things of this very moment (11:57 am CST):

• Jingle Bell Java coffee with some eggnog
• Being handed a Snapple Raspberry Ice Tea (which is probably my favorite) by my younger brothers after they'd borrowed my car
• Having heard from Nikky this morning
• Good music shuffling through my iTunes
• Having a good conversation with Jordan echoing through my head and helping to clear the last of the shadows of the ache I was feeling last night slowly dissipate
• Christmas lights (they truly never get old)
• Sunshine
• The promise of some girl time with Heather later this evening

I was trying to come up with an appropriate response to a post Jordan had written earlier today, and I was reminded of something about myself. I am a recycler and a rescuer. I am a collector of the lost and a restorer of the forgotten.

Nikky can attest to my bizarre reuse of paper. I tend to write her letters on whatever I have at hand at the moment: napkins, scratch paper, old memos, Beef-A-Roo tray inserts, Alfanos place mats, and even Cheese Nips boxes. I believe everything has a use. I tend to use scraps of cloth to create new things. I am currently creating a creature that Nikky will eventually probably get to own (she often gets stuck with my more bizarre creations). It's made from old scraps of fleece that my mom used to make blankets. I once made an afghan for a friend that was made almost entirely of yarn my grandmother had given me. A huge blanket made of castaway colors. It is one of the strangest looking blankets in history, but he loves it.

I feel people should be looked at in the same way was the blankets I've made or the creature I'm creating: each piece of them tells a story, and they're always made from love. I don't create things because I hate them, I retrieve the bits and find ways to use them for something better. People are the same. There will never come a day when I find a person who is without a little sparkle and magic of their own. There is always something worth restoring. Something worth protecting and preserving. Something worth pursuing and nurturing.

We are all lost, but we are also all worth being recovered and restored. We are priceless like jewels. Each of us starts off as something rough and uncut, but we can be turned into something much more beautiful. Something more.

We are diamonds in the rough.

What to Say

Favorite things of this very moment (11:10 pm CST):

• Sex God by Rob Bell
• Being allowed to borrow books from friends
• The large blue water bottle Kayla gave me last week (it's my new best friend)
• Playing with iTunes
• Chuzzle
• Sunshine and green grass...spring is finally, truly here
• Being invited to a party for a friend who is celebrating 10 years with her kidney transplant
• Your face...sorry, couldn't resist this morning

I have Mat Nathanson's song "Come on Get Higher" stuck in my head right now. Amazing.

My title speaks the truth: I'm not sure what to say.

It's amazing how you can recommit to something and almost instantly screw it up. I won't deny that my behavior has been counterproductive the past few days, so I've decided to try something different.

Till Friday (it's a test run), I'm not going to watch movies by myself. This is not because I make horrible movie choices or anything like that. Nope, it's because I tend to eat without thinking when I'm watching movies by myself. As a result of this idea, I've already finished one book, and have only eaten a bowl of cereal so far today. Depending on how this goes for the rest of the week, I may stretch this project out a bit longer.

I've also realized I need to find more things to do with my hands. Constructive things. Things that will help build people up, encourage them, or just make their lives a little nicer.

First project on my list? Try to get several letters out this week. Second? Get all the materials together to start working on a baby blanket for a couple I'm friends with. Bright blue and a bright red, I'm thinking. That way it will work for either a boy or a girl. I like to cover all my bases, plus that just seems to be a pair of colors that will work for the family. I don't know how to explain that much better. I just want it to be something that the parents will look at and think, "Yeah, that'll work." That they won't find hideous. haha.

This concept of doing more for others comes out of Rob Bell's book, Sex God. He made the point that in Ephesians (I think, forgive me if I'm wrong about which book it's in, I'll have to double check later) Paul says that those who steal should steal no more. But he goes one step further, he tells them that they must do good works with their hands. Trade their addiction to self in for something much better. I need to be doing this. My life has become a bit too shut off. I've become a bit too self-involved, and I need to find ways to truly reach out to others and help them.

There is always a better way.

Breath In & Breath Out

Favorite things of this very moment (4:08 pm CST):

• Sun tea in the (new) fabulous Dasani water bottle (sadly, it is also a recycle #1...argh!)
• Water proofing
• Having time to change out of soaked through clothes before I had to come to work
• Rain
• "Ugly Flower for a Beautiful Friend" mix (Gratzi Nikky!)
• Chocolate, REAL cherries, coconut
• Being completely done with my Access database project (and I was even done early and became the guru for those people who were struggling to finish...what gives)
• David's willingness to leave his laptop with me so that I could finish my project (even though that actually didn't work out)
• Edna St. Vincent Millay's beautiful poetry
• Dave Eggers in any form (such a witty man and a brilliant writer)
• The Tick vs. Season 2
• Knowing that there is a stack of wonderful books waiting for me at home
• Soft Kleenexes
• Giving myself a bit of a break after completing the first of several final projects due over the course of the next 2 weeks
• The knowledge that the end of the semester is actually in sight
• Sidewalk chalk
• The memory of Hulk Hogan the Peep ("His nipples weren't right...")

Today is one of those days were I feel accomplished even though I know that there's still so much left to do. I've decided that Access is a cruel program, but I am now capable of handling it if necessary, so I guess it's alright.

The downside is that the Access project was one of 3 major projects I am currently working on, but at least it is now out of the way and I have till Tuesday to work on my Small Business Plan and to get a rough draft of my American Lit 2 papers... I will prevail!

Last night at Youth Group, Gail decided, in light of last weeks tragedy in Sarah's death, that we should talk to the kids about salvation. Terrence and I both told her we thought it was a good idea. Several of the kids are actually very interested in getting baptized, apparently they just weren't sure what else was involved or how to voice that to anyone. I am excited. By the end of this summer, we may have 3 more little siblings in Christ. Sometimes those warm spring evenings when you convince everyone they should sit outside to further enjoy the moment...those times really surprise you and God works in really amazing ways.

We talked about how believing in God and that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins in the first step in becoming a believer (or however you want to say that). If we choose to wholeheartedly follow Christ's example and believe in God's plan...we will be saved. Terrence made a good point last night, he said that once you start, as long as you keep moving forward, the rest of it will start to fall in place. We did make it very clear to the kids that no one is ever going to be perfect and that everyone messes up, but that the beauty of it is, if we get up, repent, and truly try to continue to grow and change, we will be forgiven because God is love. It is a beautiful thing.

The amazing thing is that this entire lesson that was for our kids...it touched my heart too. Sometimes I worry that I've become a bit too calloused for my own good (in fact I know I am at times), but it still touched my heart. Sometimes I try to take too much advantage of God's love for me. Instead of trying to make God happy, I make myself "happy" realizing that I am screwing up, and then the remorse and repentance that I later profess...sometimes they aren't as real as they should be. I am so glad that God is gracious and forgiving and so completely patient with me because I so often find myself still screwing the same things up.

Let me just be honest for a moment...

These are my most struggled with sins (the ones that I find myself stuck in right now):

• Eating too much and/or what's bad for me
• Gossiping when I should be building others up
• A thought life I am always proud of (this covers so many things...*sigh*)
• Trusting more in my own provision than in God's strength (and this causes me to fail more than anything else)

It's time to get back down on my knees and start praying for the strength and grace to change.

And I will leave you with the following:

"My first business is to so live that at least a few will thank
God that I lived when my little day is done."

-Alfred A. Montapert