Dreams in the Fog

(the above picture is by Graysen Pack)

Favorite things of this very moment (9:09 am CST):

• Being awake
• Having already talked to Ben and knowing I'll get to hang out with him at some point today
• Angels & Airwaves
• Spinning in the computer chair
• Trying and failing to finish a bowl of cereal which for some reason seemed like the best thing in the universe at the time and now seems like a bowl of unnecessary blah
• The shuffle function on iTunes
• "Bleed" by Further Seems Forever (the accoustic version)

There is a mist covering over everything this morning. A hazy low fog. I woke up this morning and pulled my blind back. I do this whenever I know I have to get up. Just an immediate reaction, and I always find myself hoping for a glimpse of something more. Today I was just hoping for some sunshine. The glow of sunlight always does wonderful things for my generally grogy mind. Today I didn't find any such luck. Instead I found a bright white fog. It felt blinding streaming light in through the darkness of my quiet room.

The fog makes me feel trapped and claustrophobic. I hate driving through it more than almost anything. You just never know what's going to walk out of that fog. Despite that, Mom and I still managed to take a walk this morning. I love these walks, they tend to clear the fog out of my own mind and memory.

This morning it brought back the dream I'd had last night. I had a dream that Cally was in the house. This was incredibly confusing because I knew Cally was dead. I knew she had been buried, and I also knew I had taken the tag off her collar. The whole dream was upsetting and confusing because no one knew what was going on, and I realized that I still had Cally's tag in my room. This new mystery cat, the Cally imposter was in the house acting just like my Cally had. Mira was incredibly upset. The purpose of this dream is lost on me, but it left me feeling frustrated and upset. Not exactly a mood you want to carry over into the morning.

My dreams seem to frequently color my waking mood. Lately a lot of them have involved the army. I'm not wholly sure what brought this on, but my mom pointed out that I have a lot of close friends in the military. I also have a friend who is currently considering joining. I will support my friends who join, but I'd really rather they found other jobs. I realized this morning though that a lot of my issue with this is just that I can't do anything to protect them. That's not entirely true, I can pray for them. Outside of that though, it's completely out of my hands. It frustrates me. I'm glad God is patient with me...

Dreams mean so much to me. I'm sure many of them are nothing more than the jumble in my head and heart pieced together by the whispers of the night, but sometimes they change things. My dreams have given me hope when there wasn't any left in my heart, and they've told me things that I didn't want to face in my waking hours. They've forwarned me of heartbreak, and given me peace when all around me was turmoil. No one will ever be able to convince me that God doesn't work through dreams.

Maybe dreams are just a light in the fog...burning away the clouds and doubt to reveal something that had been hidden, we just needed to get close enough to really see it.

Just a thought.

A Writer Writes...Always

Favorite things of this very moment (7:51 pm CST):

• Cheap Shasta root beer
• Throw Mama From the Train ("A writer writes...always.")
• Black hoodies
• Silence (in a sense)
• Rain
• The name Jacob

Tonight, as I listen to the rain and my fingers typing on these silly keys...I wish I could say something profound. I find this mood strikes me fairly often. I miss the late night conversations with Zuni and Ben that use to inspire me to write those insane, but rather brilliant poems. I miss feeling things so deeply that everything in life could become an extension of the poetry flowing through my head and fingers.

Where did that beauty go? There was so much light and dark flitting about my head for so long.

I miss Zuni. Especially on nights like this. And then I think, man, I really should call Ben. But I don't. If I called, what would there be to say? Because what I miss is a period of time that can't be brought back. It's dead and gone.

And then I wonder, is that what happened to my poetry? To my stories? Did they die too? What happened to the magic that use to envelop my mind when darkness fell?

Maybe I have seen too much.

Then again, maybe I just need to reawaken my heart somehow. Just jump start it. But how does one do that? My heart is connected to anyone deeply. I don't have many extremes...other than being angry.

I'm angry a lot. I think it may be what's choking everything else out. Ugh. How do I change this? Guess it's just something to think and pray about. I'll figure it out.

*sigh* I am a whiner. Ha.

So...let's find the magic. And the night. All over again.

Thoughtful

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (9:59 am CST):

• Ugly Mug Vanilla Coffee (if you'd like to order any Ugly Mug products, let me know. Joel is selling them as a continuing project to raise money for camp.)
• My Spiderman mug that was left at the house by Jeff a million years ago and very much became my own (kinda like the thermos)
• Capt. Benjamin Franklin Pierce (he's...what I want. I love M*A*S*H. Sorry, Nik, I just can't help it...)
• Monogamy & fidelity
• Jay's idea for deer being made of jell-o from now on (I'm hoping for marshmallow myself)
• Cream Cheese Muffin Puffs
• Josh Deane's honesty and storytelling ability

May I make some suggestions? Well, hopefully I'm not being too forward, but I'm going to make suggestions anyway.

Mom and I were talking yesterday, and we discussed our mutual, time-tested belief that when you're miserable or stuck in a rut, what you need to do is help someone else. Few things will pull you out of yourself and your self-pity like helping and focusing on another person for good things.

I realize I am constantly promoting good-fairydom, but how else can a person survive in the cold of this world.

Everyone needs a little cheer. Donate some old clothes, collect some old clothes to donate, or even make some clothes to donate. Make cookies to share with someone (might just help you make friends with your neighbors or co-workers). Ask someone for their opinion on a good book or movie and then actually take their advice (it'll give you a chance to talk to them about something they enjoyed). Buy someone a coloring book and crayons when you know they're having a bad day. Few things in life can't be made a little brighter than a new box of crayons. Volunteer for some kind of service organization: a shelter, the Red Cross, Habitat for Humanity, etc. Help out with your church. Just spend time with your siblings. Write a handwritten letter. Mix cd's. Or maybe just give someone a genuine compliment. Do an extra chore.

It's about the little things. The tiny bits of cheer that you can bring to someone's day.

Just something to think about.

What to Say

Favorite things of this very moment (11:10 pm CST):

• Sex God by Rob Bell
• Being allowed to borrow books from friends
• The large blue water bottle Kayla gave me last week (it's my new best friend)
• Playing with iTunes
• Chuzzle
• Sunshine and green grass...spring is finally, truly here
• Being invited to a party for a friend who is celebrating 10 years with her kidney transplant
• Your face...sorry, couldn't resist this morning

I have Mat Nathanson's song "Come on Get Higher" stuck in my head right now. Amazing.

My title speaks the truth: I'm not sure what to say.

It's amazing how you can recommit to something and almost instantly screw it up. I won't deny that my behavior has been counterproductive the past few days, so I've decided to try something different.

Till Friday (it's a test run), I'm not going to watch movies by myself. This is not because I make horrible movie choices or anything like that. Nope, it's because I tend to eat without thinking when I'm watching movies by myself. As a result of this idea, I've already finished one book, and have only eaten a bowl of cereal so far today. Depending on how this goes for the rest of the week, I may stretch this project out a bit longer.

I've also realized I need to find more things to do with my hands. Constructive things. Things that will help build people up, encourage them, or just make their lives a little nicer.

First project on my list? Try to get several letters out this week. Second? Get all the materials together to start working on a baby blanket for a couple I'm friends with. Bright blue and a bright red, I'm thinking. That way it will work for either a boy or a girl. I like to cover all my bases, plus that just seems to be a pair of colors that will work for the family. I don't know how to explain that much better. I just want it to be something that the parents will look at and think, "Yeah, that'll work." That they won't find hideous. haha.

This concept of doing more for others comes out of Rob Bell's book, Sex God. He made the point that in Ephesians (I think, forgive me if I'm wrong about which book it's in, I'll have to double check later) Paul says that those who steal should steal no more. But he goes one step further, he tells them that they must do good works with their hands. Trade their addiction to self in for something much better. I need to be doing this. My life has become a bit too shut off. I've become a bit too self-involved, and I need to find ways to truly reach out to others and help them.

There is always a better way.