Moments in my Day

Favorite things of this very moment (11:33 am CST):

• http://xkcd.com/
• Sunshine and just the right amount of wind that moves and brushes over everything making you feel warm, but never hot
• Knowing that Rockstar is $0.99 at Super-Valu
• Planning to go have lunch with Kimmieboo, Jessie, and Dan
• Knowing that Dustin has been warned that I'll hang him upside down and throw rocks at him if I have to, so he has no excuses
• Getting to talk to old friends
• iTunes
• "The Italian Job" on DVD (the original with Michael Caine)
• Virtually anything Dave Barry says...he just makes me smile
• "Paid to Get Excited" by Butch Walker

Today is one of those days were you should spend all of it outside in the sunshine so that your skin gets a shade darker, your hair gets a bit golder, and you feel like you've gotten enough vitamin D to last you through the next patch of clouds and rain, but instead you find yourself inside blasting Taylor Swift off your home computer while you check your email, facebook, and write in your blog. Strange...

What does it mean, exactly, when you find yourself wanting to write poems to someone's hands? Not because you're particularly fond of this person's hands...well maybe you are, but more because they seem to dislike them so much.

Oh who knows.

I'm doing a horrible job, by the way, of sticking to any promise I make. The only promise I seem to be able to keep is avoiding sex, which isn't hard considering there's no one interested in me and there's no one I'm interested, so there's not as much challenge in that as most other things. Is that a horrible thing to say? Ugh.

All I'm saying is that although today is perfect, I'm still not able to look at myself and go, alright, we're doing this.

I need to find something to truly work towards. Something that will actually make me WANT this. Beyond worry that I'll never get to have my own kids.

Ugh, seriously, I have a million good reasons, why does this seem so hard? Probably because it's actually a real challenge, and I'm a bit of a weenie. Go figure.

Well, in the words I've found myself uttering a million times to so many different people and situations, man up.

Let's do this. :)

The Covenant

Back in July of last year, I went to FUEL. For anyone who doesn't know, this is the national youth gathering every year for the Church of God of the Abrahamic Faith. This past year, I took a class called "Overcoming the Darkness" which was taught by an amazing couple from Kokomo, IN named Dale & Julie Bliss. Dale is the pastor at the church their in Kokomo, and Julie is deeply involved with the ministry.

These two never beat around the bush.

This particular class was about addictions and overcoming addictive behaviors. It was all about owning up to what is going on in your life, facing those demons, and learning how to overcome them. At the beginning of the week, Dale gave us a sheet of paper outlining a covenant. He told us to seriously consider what the paper said, and then, if we felt we were truly committed to this change in our lives, that we should sign it. He also said we should only do this after a serious amount of consideration and prayer.

Do you know what a covenant truly is? It isn't a contract. Contracts are made so that there is an out clause. A way to escape the promise you've made, contracts are not necessarily permanent. Covenants are different. In biblical times, if you entered into a covenant, you entered into it with your life as forfeit. Covenants were made in blood. They were permanent. Death was the only out to a covenant. That's why marriages are supposed to be covenant relationships. (That's why part of the marriage ceremony includes the words "till death do us part.")

The following is the Covenant that Dale gave us to consider:

The Overcomer's Covenant in Christ

I place all my trust and confidence in the Lord and I put no confidence in the flesh.

I know that I cannot save myself, nor set myself free. God has provided a way of escape.

I consciously and deliberately choose to submit to God and resist the devil.

I choose to humble myself before the mighty hand of God that He may exalt me at the proper time.

I declare the truth that I am dead to sin, freed from it and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

I gladly embrace the truth that I am now a child of God--unconditionally loved and accepted.

I reject the lies of the enemy and seek the truth that has the power to set me free.

I declare that sin shall no longer be master over me; and there is no more guilt or condemnation.

I renounce every unrighteous cry of my body.

I declare that I am no longer conformed to this world; I am transformed by the renewing of my mind.

I commit myself to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

I commit myself to God's great goal for my life to conform to His image in Christ Jesus.

I know that I will face many trials, but God has given me the victory.

I am not a victim--I am an overcomer in Christ.

I, Jaymin Louise (not Louise) Cheatwood, signed this covenant on July 31, 2008. Tonight I am recommitting to it's words and meaning. Fully. I am not perfect, and I will screw up, but I am going to do my best to live up to the words of this covenant. Not contract, covenant. This is binding. This is permanent. This is in blood. Please help me with this. Please pray that I will make the best decisions, not just the ones I feel are easy. I want to live up to this.

Beyond this, today has been wonderful. The weather was gorgeous, and it found me walking to the grocery store first thing this morning to get myself some caffeine. I got my homework done, did Pilate's, got some laundry and chores taken care of, and I worked on some reading and letters I've been meaning to do. I even got to talk to Nikky and draw with the sidewalk chalk she gave me when she was here visiting. All I can do is ask for more days like today. Days where I get up with the right attitude, and do my best to behave and stand by my promises.

I can do this, but it's going to be rough.

As I'm doing this, the next question is this: What can I do for you? Can I help you somehow? How can I encourage you?

Lastly tonight, I've been forgetting the most important part of my posts a lot lately: the favorite's list, so let's make up for that, eh?

My Favorite Things of This Very Moment (10:01 pm CST):

• Sidewalk chalk (Thank you, Nikky!)
• Good memories
• Being able to walk around outside without my shoes
• A&W Cream Soda
• Sunshine
• A working vehicle
• Being able to type this entire post while sitting in the comfort of my burnt orange overstuffed arm chair in my bedroom from the new laptop (woohoo! Nik, this thing is fantastical...honestly, wireless being picked up in my bedroom? Who doesn't love that?)
• David Crowder
• Borrowed books

Good night, my friends. I hope you have a fantastic night and that you find all the strength and joy you need to face tomorrow and live it to the very best, I mean, it's a Friday, what's lovelier than that?

Troubled Waters

Favorite things of this very moment (4:11 pm CST):

• Coffee (with a little sugar, a lot of cinnamon, and a little vanilla soy milk)
• Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
• New Moon by Stephanie Meyer
• Dreaming about Edward in an excessively vague and text-esque sense which means I didn't have nightmares or really messed up dreams like I've been having all too often lately that leave me with less sleep than I started out with (well it seems that way)...man those books are great
• Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
• Gummy bears
• Having the ability to stay up to all hours to read, but still have plenty of time to sleep and get much needed work done
• Peppermint tea
• Paying lots of attention to lyrics unlike my close friend and male counterpart, Mr. Laurent

The ache is back. The one that moves back and forth from my heart to the pit of my stomach (well more like just below the bottom of my rib cage where it seems to pulsate and radiate and make everything feel wrong) to my throat and back to my chest again where it feels so intense that I feel like I'll explode.

The Twilight series isn't helping me out in this department, but then again neither is the Jane Austen or Nicholas Sparks or Stardust or the Christian romance novels Grandma sent (duh!) or any of the other books I've read recently and enjoyed.

It will get better. One of these days the hole in my heart will have its missing piece. In the meantime, I need to find something I actually want to do and pursue it to the fullest.

Today, I took an excessively long, very hot shower because I kept slipping between memories and I guess I thought maybe it would wash it away. It didn't. Instead it seemed to just help it along. Reading New Moon in its entirety last night brought back a series of memories. Promises I was once given and had believed so freely. Promises that have never, and will never, be fulfilled...it brought back Jeff. Memories I try to keep buried to avoid days exactly like this.

It made me question my sanity for the 2nd time in two days. The first was brought on by truly seeing myself in Blanche's character in Tennessee Williams' play "A Streetcar Named Desire" which terrified me enough to skip the rest of my classes and go straight to wandering Shopko while talking to Nikky. I think she honestly worried about me having some kind of break down. I wasn't far from believing that as a possibility myself...

Then after reading New Moon, it brought Jeff back so quickly and easily that it startled me. Meyer uses a lot of "Romeo and Juliet" in the book. Many of Edwards words and Bella's reactions felt familiar. The ache Bella described, the pain she felt. They're here in me. This in and of itself completely upsets me.

Have I just been using all these guys as a placeholder? A Paris to my Juliet, if you will? A plan B? Not one of them deserved that. Clearly there is something wrong with me, with my heart.

Why do I still have all the memories and the promises locked inside my head? The promises that he would love and protect me forever. That he would never leave. Why have I been unable to find someone better for me without the feeling something is wrong? Apparently I haven't found the right guy yet, but what if it's worse than that? What if I really do love Jeff and no one else will ever bring me to life the way he did? What if he was supposed to be the One, but choose to take a different path? The path without me.

Ugh. I am so bitter and cynical today. Again. There is something so wrong with all of this.

Of course, this doesn't even begin to cover my anger with myself for being almost 22 but in no way self-sufficient. When did I let myself become such a coward?