Blargh

It has been another one of those totally bizarre days.  A mix of good and bad.

Good: Slept in and then got up and made Dunkin Donuts Mint Mocha coffee (my FAVORITE) and sat and watched the Today show with my mom while wearing my pj's and my sweet, sweet slipper boots.  Got to hang out with my mom for a long time today because we were both off work.  Got to work for about an hour at Basket Beginnings which just meant that I sat and worked on a blanket while talking to my mom.  Had some McDonald's for lunch (and yes I realize that's really not good for me, but it was a junk food kind of day).  Watched some good movies and played some computer games.  Played with my crazy cats.  Went to play practice that really just ended up being a sitting on the stage with scripts in our laps ladies' only brainstorming session.

This was all kinds of great.

On the bad side, some dear friends of mine went to court today to get a divorce after being married around 10 years.  They have two little girls who I love above and beyond almost all other children in the universe, and this whole deal just breaks my heart into bits.  Just as bad is seeing Jay have to deal with this because this couple has been a huge part of his life and some of his closest friends for as long as I can remember.  He's their eldest daughter's godfather.  It's breaking his heart too.

Oh, and then a friend of mine who has been like a little sister to me for years got married today.  She married the boyfriend I have been hating since pretty much the first time I met him when he refused to actually ever meet my eyes, who got her pregnant when she was in high school, who makes me super uncomfortable, and who I am darn near certain is abusive.  Yeah...somehow I can't be happy for her.  I want to be.  I want to be able to celebrate her marriage.  Her little boy's parents are finally married.  This should be great...buuuuuut...I just can't be.

Today has been so very weird.

Eh.

Tomorrow will be better.  It will be.  It will be.  I will make it so.

The Wind Was Right

If I knew you would show
I could wait forever
but that light in your eyes
makes me think never

The porch is cold
and all the lights are out
you'd think the stars would show
but they're not shining now

So I'm reeling in these hopes and dreams
packing up my wishes and schemes
because you're not coming to meet me
anymore

Thank God for the Sunshine

(The mountains of TN)

There are so many, many words and I'm not sure if any of them are appropriate or good. I woke up and have been thanking God all day for how beautiful it was. If it hadn't been beautiful today, I'm pretty sure I would have ignored all 5 of the messages I had and would have just slept for the rest of my day.

I'm wondering what the point of all of this is. Last night before I went to sleep I asked God to just show me whether or not this was really worth my time because I was really struggling with that. Is this man really worth the wait and feeling broken so much? I just wasn't sure if I could do this, but then the morning broke and I realized I'd fallen asleep talking to him. And the more I talked to my mother and my roommates, the more I realized I'm not that crazy. There's something about this guy that calls deeply to me, and even if he isn't the right guy, what's going on between us, it's far from over.

I keep asking if I'm doing the right things, and all I'm hearing is yes. Everyone says yes, and I just keep praying. Praying and praying and praying.

The weirdest thing though would have to be talking to Mom about all of this. It's not weird to talk to her, but it was weird talking to her today...I think she finally understands that I'm not playing around here. This one is different. Not sure what that entails at this point, but it is different.

The other bit of today messing with me is this crazy financial plan assignment. It's a healthy idea and I know I should be able to do this, but I feel crippled by this. I feel like a failure as an adult is really what it is. How am I supposed to do this? I do not have a job, and it's only by the grace of God that I'm getting by at all. I trust every day that He'll provide what I need, and He does, but how do you write that into a financial plan? And how do you explain that you don't have future financial goals because you have no idea what you want to do with your life? And you don't need life insurance because you've got literally no one depending on you because you can barely take care of yourself? This assignment makes me feel like a failure. Exciting.

I guess what I need now is to make my favorite things list. I need to think about the good.

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (9:49 pm EST):

• "Easy Target" by Blink 182


• Knowing I found the Bible Sam wanted


• Jay, Jordan, Kimmie, Miiiitch, Regina, Amber & Jake and their invaluable prayers


• Knowing I got Regina's pants taken care of


• "Karma" by Alicia Keys


• Regina being home


• Headphones


• That my iPod is actually working after I thought it had died (thank God for the little miracles)


• Remembering the good talks with Mom, Amber, Jake, Mitch & Kimmie

Life is going to be alright.

I Need You.

(The above photo: Explorations 1 by Cole Rise)

For my Marriage and Family Counseling class, I have been reading John Gray, Ph. D.'s book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The fourth chapter is on motivating the opposite sex. Everything he has said about women so far is dead on. The worst part is that as I'm reading this I'm realizing how bitter, angry, and distrustful I've become of men in the past 10 years.

I was reading through this today questioning if it was possible to find a guy who really does want to take care of a girl. I turned to Amber and Regina and asked where these guys are hiding. Where are these men that want to actually take care of the woman in their lives? Have I missed them entirely?

It makes me frustrated because I know I sound so terrible and bitter for saying that, but I'm feeling the aching in my chest, staring at the scars that cover my heart and hope, and I am reliving the rejections I've dealt with all through growing up. I've had a couple boyfriends, and I'm not saying they were bad guys, but they weren't mature enough to take care of me. One of them is a cause of more wounds and brokenness than I can explain and the rejections of that relationship and the hollowed out spaces in my heart that he left...I've never figured out how to fully heal those.

God made men and women differently, and I'm glad. We're different physically, emotionally, and mentally in ways. These are good things. They enhance our friendships and relationships. We're interlocking puzzle pieces that fit together to make something even greater.

My problem would be the walls. After facing the pain of so many rejections, I have developed a facade which seems like such a joke most of the time, but I wonder how many people are willing to believe in my silence. Do people really believe I'm this strong? Or brave? Or kind? Or any of the things that I try to put across...

Truthfully, I am tired, worn, scared, scarred, aching, lonely, and desperately holding onto the flicker of hope that says that there's someone out there that will want to spend the rest of a lifetime with me. Someone I can count on. Someone who will laugh with me, but be willing to hold me when I feel like I'm falling apart.

Someone who will hold me when I feel all the wounds reopening so that I don't fall apart.

I'm praying it happens soon because I don't know how much longer I can hold out. My hope may flicker out.

Hopeless or Romantic?

Favorite things of this moment (9:09 pm EST):

• "The Princess & the Frog" on Netflix (I love Netflix...really, they make being home alone all weekend easier to deal with)
• Having the iPod back so that I can text
• Serena and Buddy, 2 of the cutest little dogs in the world

Tonight I am sitting on our new couch (compliments of Marcus Brown and his folks from what I was told) pondering. I'm listening for a weird guitar riff and the sound of a bicycle...I'm not sure which one makes me happier at the moment. Sometimes you really don't realize how much you miss people, you know?

I want to get married in the sunshine. I have no idea what that will entail or what or where or when, but it would be fairly awesome. Glowing and beautiful. Good golden sunlight makes everything and everyone beautiful. It would be perfect.

And yes, I know that statement was random, but I was just thinking about it.

I was telling friends not too long ago that I'd never really planned out my wedding. I know many girls do. They plan the dress, the location, the flowers, everything...but I never did. There are a lot of things I think would be cool, but I've never really thought to myself: this is what I want. There are no guarantees. I wish, so badly, that there were some guarantees. That I could say it was worth making some kind of plans for this kind of thing, but I don't feel there are.

It feels ironic for me to say that.

I am some sort of weird hopeless romantic, but until the right guy puts a ring on my finger, it won't really matter.

And We Rebuild the Walls

Tonight I feel inside out.
Like time stood still
and my life ran out
I'm not bleeding
But something's just not right
All I can do is sing along
"I'm sh-sh-shakin'"
Because it seems to be the truth

The irony is,
I was trying to protect myself from you
Too good to be true
Always too good to be true
But I was going to throw caution to the wind
I was going to be brave
Things were going to change

How can a girl resist such obvious honesty?
The transparency of your answers
the kindness in your eyes
the intensity of your passion
and the strength of your heart?
At least I couldn't

Maybe I'll adopt a different kind of bravery
The quiet kind that no one needs to know
I'll put on a kind face
I'll use my good hands
Make your life better so you can find a place to stand
Maybe I'll break your heart with my goodness

Perhaps I'll just break mine

And though I was coming out of my shell
Thinking I'd explore the world with my new eyes
I'm beginning to think I'll just take a new path
A quiet one
Pretend I never had such wild, happy aspirations
And forget the dreams I saw in front of my eyes
each and every time they closed

The gates were open
Change had come
But no.

And we rebuild the walls.

The thing of it is, I'm beating my head against the wall of your heart. How do you not notice? Not hear? Because I am bruised.

The days weeks months years of our friendship seem to have done nothing to open your eyes and heart.

My soul quiet poet essence doesn't seem to touch anything invisible in you. My hand may be on your chest, but it will never touch your heart.

I don't think there's anything worse than feeling helpless and hopeless.

Today I feel helpless. I'm watching someone I care deeply for hurt, and I'm just not sure what can be done to change that. I really wish, on a number of levels, that I could turn time back a little and see what might have been.

Although, I guess it's the "might have been's" and the "what if's" that are really the problem at the moment.

And I wonder, when will things change. People always say things will change when you least expect it. The thing is, that seems to make you sit and wait even more. Instead of causing you to walk away, that kind of statement just makes you hold on to that wish even harder, but this time you close your eyes.

Closing your eyes doesn't actually change anything. If just makes everything dark.

I'm going to just keep my eyes open. I'm going to watch for change because walking away doesn't seem to work. And I'm going to pretend those cliches aren't well known for real reasons.

Let's pretend the world is fresh and new and that everything really is as possible as you think it is when you're a kid.

Maybe that's what it takes to change.

Maybe.

Pick a Card

Favorite things of this very moment:

• The above picture. It makes me laugh constantly and I really don't know why. Probably the absolute absurdity of the kids face...good grief
• Mat Kearney
• Sweet Valley brands Orange Soda
• Colored pencils (hey, I love coloring too)
• Graph paper notebooks
• Visual bookshelf of Facebook (still my favorite application EVER)
• Removing people from my friends lists after we've come to a point where we: a) never talk, b) aren't particularly fond of each other, and c) the very mention of their name riles me up...
• Telling people what they need to hear, even if it's hard (I'm actually proud of myself for not chickening out)
• Knowing that within 8 days I'll be done with yet another year of college...thank goodness
• Accents (particularly southern or the kind of western, farm country accent)

So...

I've been running into lots of memories that make me think of Sarah. I realized that the only bad part about FUEL this year will be that she is not by my side. I've gotten use to that being a week we spend a crazy amount of time together, and I've been so proud to introduce my little sister to my friends and get to actually spend quality time getting to know her. She never ceased to amaze me with her generosity, silliness, and absolute zest for life and people. I only hope that when I die I will be remembered with the love and laughter she will be remembered for.

The odd thing is that in the wake of her death I suddenly realized a couple of things about myself. Things that were completely obvious to people around me (I'm sure):

1. That I have completely lost track of myself
2. That I do not believe in myself at all
3. That I have let myself go (*sigh* uuuugh)
4. That I have no life goals and/or ambitions to drive at

What is the deal? I can pinpoint when everything fell apart for me: Jacob Zuniga's death.

What drives me crazy is that I know this is not what my life should be. He would not want me to be like this, and I certainly do not want to remain like this. I just am so uncertain in everything that it is ridiculous.

I've given myself a time-period finally. A clock of sorts. I have decided that I must know what I will do this next year by the end of May. I have to have a plan picked out, decided on, and set in motion by May 31st because if I don't start moving forward like I constantly pretend I am than I am going to be living in my bedroom at my parents house for the rest of my life. I love my folks and they love me, but this situation is unhealthy to continue in without having a plan to eventually (hopefully sooner) get myself out into the real world (ish) being a competent adult.

Goals. That's what I need. I need something to strive for. And my mom is probably right...I need someone or something to take care of. I currently am doing a fabulous job of wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing, self-depreciation and a lot of other selfish (ha!) and pointless areas.

Change is possible, isn't it?

Send the Light

Favorite things of this very moment (11:07 pm):

• Having a stack of letters from Nikky to reread tomorrow
• Having a stack of new books to read
• A notebook covered in squirrels...bwahaha
• My cell phone
• Ben's honesty and logic
• Prayer
• Beds that don't try to eat you

I've been home from Ohio for 4 hours, and I already wish I was back.

God and I had a talk on the way home. The tears I've held in all weekend magically appeared several hours into the trip and lasted for quite awhile. I need to be more positive and more confident, but it's been a real struggle lately. Between the issues with money and the hopelessness and the overwhelming feeling of restlessness...I just don't know what to do next.

It's just that ever since I've been home from ABC, I feel I've lost something. A piece of me is missing...my worth, my purpose. People keep trying to explain my purpose to me, and so far, I haven't found a single one of them to be truly right. Sure, I've been able to help out in different areas, but as far as permanent position here...no. Nothing.

Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do?

I am scared. I'm scared to uproot myself and move, but to be honest, I need a bigger space, new room to grow. It's like those plants that have to be transplanted because their roots start to strangle them...that's kind of how I feel.

I adore my family, and if I end up being called to leave, I will miss them terribly. Don't misunderstand that, it's just that...I feel like I may need to be somewhere else.

Ben thinks I need to be somewhere else. I've got a lot more praying, reading and pondering to do...but he may be right.