It'll All Work Out

Favorite things of this very moment (3:23 pm):

• My Mom
• Knowing I get paid tomorrow
• That I'm done with my 2nd American Lit test and I think I did well
• That tomorrow is my sleep in day
• That I own The Holiday (which I'll probably watch before I go to sleep tonight)
• That I get to watch Joel's concert and eat pancakes for supper tonight

Don't let this fool you, I'm in a horrible mood. Well, that's not entirely true, but I'm not totally stressed out. Life is full of up and downs, and as far as this roller coaster goes, I feel like I'm going down a hill at full tilt. Sadly, unlike how I feel when I'm actually on a roller coaster, this is not exciting. This is just flat out terrifying.

My day wasn't bad. I've been able to focus on my classes, I slept well last night, I woke up easily this morning. I was at school on time, finished my American Lit. test early, and I think I did well. Math wasn't even all bad today.

But then I got to work. I found out that my hours were cut so that I work either Monday or Friday, but not both. Which means I go from 22 hours (which was low, but workable) to 16 hours which means that I choose between putting gas in my car and things like car insurance/phone payments and other necessities. I've been dealing with life on my little bitty salary, and now...it's going to be REALLY hard.

Oh, and did I fail to mention the fact that, today, right after I was told this, I was also told that we may not even stay open. They may close the store. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANYONE SAY ANYTHING TO ME AT ALL? I'm furious. I'm hurt. I'm brokenhearted right now. And I'm crying again dammit.

I'm sorry. I just...I feel like God's taken away what little security I had left. How rude is it to say that to God? I don't know. I'm glad He loves me because otherwise, He would definitely be gone right now.

I know I'm supposed to trust God, and right now, He's all I've got. I still have a place to live and a car (though I'm beginning to worry if it's going to die on me too) and I'm healthy (in theory at least). I'm so cynical and bitter at times...and I don't want to be. I definitely don't mean to be, it's not my intention, but...

I'm wondering if God is trying to get me to move. Do I need to move? And if I need to move, where will I go? I want to follow His lead, but I don't even see what direction He's pointing. When I said this to my mom (just this last part, mind you) she said that Abram didn't know where God was leading him when he started. She's right, as usual. I just wish she wasn't.

I saw two hawks on the way to work from Sauk. Two. I should've known there was a reason. I just, stupidly, figured it had to do more with me being heartbroken because my tall, handsome musician turned out not be mine at all...apparently it was more than that. Maybe one was for that heartbreak, and the second was for all of this. *sigh*

Now I just need to do a lot of praying, and get some others to pray too.

It'll all work out.