So If I Want to Paint my Fingernails Green...

Today I am home yet again today.  I am getting tired of being home.  I am getting tired of hurting all the time.

The weird thing is, I feel like I am learning a lot about myself that I did not expect.  I am amazed by the way God will use something this lousy and teach you something good.

In my case, he is teaching me a great deal about my need to trust that other people have my best interest at heart, that I can rely on people when I actually need help, and that God will find ways to use this for the good.  I am grateful for the good.  Can't say this is what I had in mind for my life here, now, or ever, but I am glad this happened now instead of right after I move.  At least I was here and home safe.

Sometime this afternoon I have to face to my fear that my boss will be super mad at me and actually call.  I am really afraid of calling because I am genuinely worried that my boss will be furious and will decide that my absence is no longer acceptable and will fire me.  I really don't want to be fired.  I need the money.  Especially if I am actually going to be able to move in a couple months.  I could use a little prayer and hope.  I am also hoping that I can be brave and make some sense.  I am hoping I will be back at work at the end of the week, but I may not get to be back till next week.  Please pray for patience for me to heal and please pray that Marc will understand and have some patience for me too.

Until I can talk myself into doing that, I am going to work on just relaxing.  I painted my fingernails green today.  I realized this nail polish would have been the perfect color to match my bridesmaid's dress for Amber and Jake's wedding.  Too bad I didn't use it then, but I am enjoying looking at my fingernails sparkle.  I've also started watching all the movies I have never taken the time to watch.  I also have gotten some reading done, and I've written a bunch of letters.  All things I just haven't had the time or energy to undertake recently, but now, since I'm pretty much confined to the two couches in my living room because my walking radius remains very small, I am getting a lot done.  I guess at some point God might take you out of the game for awhile so that you actually focus on things that will matter and bring you real joy.  God is incredible.  He is the sneakiest guy I know, and I am grateful.

I Can Haz Wizard?

Picture by Jon H. Cheatwood
at the Jacob & Amber Ballard wedding reception
on June 9, 2012

So much is happening in my life these days.  This statement seems ironic considering I was told today that I have to stay out of work for roughly one more week so that my back will heal properly, but even with that holding me up from working and running around like normal, life is busy.

A week ago today I was trying to make sure a group of boys was recovering from a party, locating a dress for a rehearsal for an incredible wedding (and succeeding for the first time ever to locate a dress I loved this much so quickly), falling a little bit in love with someone while cheerfully realizing all my feelings for someone else had genuinely been erased by his stupidity and poor decision making skills, indulging my femininity, trying to make sure everything that needed to be down was done, trying to figure out what I needed to say in my toast, doing laundry, and thanking God for Jordan Durham every chance I got.  It was a crazy day, but I loved it.

Every minute of that week made me feel alive and necessary.  I was being asked to run errands, for my opinion, to help with things, to organize, to fix situations, to visit people, and I was highly in demand and desired.  I want every day for that to be the case.  Sure that life is a little crazy, but in Ohio I knew I had purpose.

For the past few months, well, for the past year or so really, I have been trying to figure out what I should be working towards in my life with little real break in the case.  When I was traveling in April, it was suggested by a variety of people that I move to South Carolina, Ohio, and back to Atlanta.  I have been thinking about that ever since.  At this point, I think I have figured out where I will be heading next, and I am beginning the process of making it happen.

My goal is to be moving in September.  I have no idea how to make that happen quite yet, but I do know that I will be attempting to save money this summer and looking for work in my new location.  I will also need to start truly downsizing.  I do not need to move so much junk.  I don't need to own so much junk.  Hopefully I will be able to donate many things to people who will love them more than I will, and it will be glorious.

Be praying on all fronts I guess.  I am thrilled to be rid of one ridiculous and destructive relationship, and I am hoping to eventually jump into a relationship with a real man.  This year, my twenty-sixth year, is already causing all kinds of havoc and change, and as messy as it already is and as scary as a move will be, it is time.  I am going to step out in faith and see where God lets me land.

One last thing, I have just this afternoon finished a new mix for my amazing, hilarious Jordan (mail is heading your way soon, my friend).  I hope he enjoys it, and I hope you will too.

I Can Haz Wizard?:
1. Daylight - Matt & Kim
2. Anna Molly - Incubus
3. Live My Life - Far East Movement feat. Justin Beiber
4. She Can Get It - Kevin Rudolf
5. And I - Box Car Racer
6. She Talks to Angels - The Black Crows
7. Down - Blink-182
8. We Use to Wait - Arcade Fire
9. Near Enough - Metasomatic
10. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit
11. Bitter - Teddy Geiger
12. Kiss on Me - Tyler Hilton
13. Edge of Desire - John Mayer
14. 2:00 Your Time - Ace Troubleshooter
15. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz
16. Heart of Me - Green River Ordinance
17. Secrets - OneRepublic
18. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
19. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder - The Secret Sisters
20. Wish You Were Here - Incubus