Mistake

Things you should maybe never actually suggest to someone:

• That they're incredibly beautiful and you can't help but want to know everything about them (no, I haven't recently said this aloud to anyone, thankfully...geez)
• Casually ask someone if they'd consider recording themselves reading a book for your personal happiness (it really makes you sound like a creep...)

I can't deny that the second statement is actually something I did today. I've been thinking about it for 2 straight days. This is what happens when you've made the mistake to listen to Twilight on audio book while at work with nothing to do but be as completely absorbed and in love with the story as the first time...it's maddening to fall in love with fiction. Truly.

As I was listening to the book, I was disappointed in the woman's reading of Edward's lines. She seemed to put the correct inflection in the words for the most part, but it's not his voice. I still can't decide what voice he should have, but I think eventually the guy who falls in love with me will end up reading the books to me at least once...I mean at least Edward's words. It'll be perfect...for me. My Edward.

In the meantime, I'm an idiot. I asked a very tall friend of mine to consider the possibility of reading a book for me. Yeah... Mind you, I'm not just going to be asking for any book if he responds favorably. I don't know if he'll say yes or even consider it, but if he does, I'm going to be even more embarrassed by what I would like him to read for me. I want him to read Midnight Sun. I need a male voice to read it to me. Not a mechanical one (sorry Nikky, Alex can only do so much for me...ha), but a real voice. A voice I'm rather fond of. What a terrible plan....seriously. This may be a sign that I've officially jumped off the deep end. That and the fact that after watching several trailers for "New Moon" and google image searching both Forks, WA and Volterra in Italy...I'm insanely excited for this movie. It's terrible. I'm sure it's going to break my heart, but I'm so excited about the possibility that I can't help it. I emailed Jay the trailer and then begged that we go see it that night. The NIGHT it comes out. I need to see this. It's disgusting. And I am going to buy that stupid soundtrack...immediately. Possibly tomorrow. Ha.

To sum up: I am deranged, lonely, aching, and bizarre. Totally. And now I'm going to go finish Twilight so that I can start rereading New Moon as soon as possible. *sigh*

Favorite things of this very moment (8:17 pm CST):

• Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
• Audio books
• The fact that sometimes I ask for things or simply ask questions that the average person would not have the courage to do (mostly because normal humans are not deranged or crazy or good at wearing their hearts on their sleeves...I excel at this)
• The iPod

What's A Girl To Do?

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Favorite things of this very moment (8:45 am CST):

• Tyler Hilton
• Mom's comment that she's never seen me move as fast as I did this morning when she woke me up to tell me that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were going to be on the Today show
• Seeing Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart on the Today show
• Talking to Dan online this morning
• Knowing Nikky will have a box from me in hand by the end of today
• Having a discussion with Ben when I don't have nearly enough sleep and too much caffeine in my system
• The urge to dance badly, even when sleep deprived, caffeinated, and aching
• That this is sincerely my friend Dustin reincarnated into a movie villain, and not just any villain, but JAMES: http://www.bordersmedia.com/twilight/?cmpid=SL_20081120_REW#video

How should love be?

Honestly, what's it really supposed to be like? How are you supposed to know when you've found the right person? Obviously things aren't immediately going to go smoothly. Life doesn't work that way, and I have a sneaking suspicion that love doesn't either.

Do you know you're in love when all you want is for that other person to be happy? Does it become obvious when you what to sacrifice what you want in order that they're taken care of? Or does that just mean that you want to be a martyr?

I don't want to be a martyr. I want to find a way to love and love deeply, but the thing is, in order to do that, you have to find someone to love.

Here I am world.

I am lost, lonely, and aching for something more. At least somewhere deep down I am. Ironically, on the surface, for the people I meet, most of them don't see this side of me. I don't like it showing through. Savage intensity tends to scare people...go figure.

So what's a girl to do?

She writes. A lot. Lyrics, bad poetry, the occasional bit of good poetry, scripts, sketches, scenes from life, short stories, and works on books.

Maybe someday I'll have a tall dark outlet for this insanity. The kind that has a beautiful voice and likes to read books as much as I do and won't mind staring up into the night sky with me for hours...

Until then, I'll work on living.

As Nikky Once Said, "Life Moves."

Favorite things of this very moment (2:23 pm CST):

• Hope that things might just be working out
• Having the obvious pointed out to me when I'm way too blind to see it
• That the tall one is not only reading Twilight but also enjoying it and (as the man of any girl's dreams would do) taking notes...oh yeah...
• Smiling more than I ever dreamed possible
• Sun tea in a gleaming teal & silver thermos
• Rechargeable batteries
• Knowing that when I check my email...he'll have emailed me back
• New questions to answer
• Good dreams (he's been in all of them this week...every last one)
• "Hercules" (Sometimes Disney really does make wonderful movies)
• Finding inspiration to write after two years of aching emptiness and complete and total writer's block
• Being told he's still working on another mix for me (Sweetest Mix Ever 3!)
• Sidewalk chalk
• My beautiful digital camera
• Blueberry scented bubbles
• Knowing I've almost perfect this next mix and the story behind it should be as beautiful and transparent as is possible...
• That he's coming on Friday...*sigh*

*shrugs* Right now the smile on my face is the size of Texas. I decided to check my email again before I started getting things ready to go to work, even though I didn't think it would do me any good, and there, gloriously enough, I already had an email back from my tall handsome friend. He is something magical. Truly magical.

I'm terrified of the hope that seems to be unstoppable and overflowing through my system. Could I finally have life moving in my favor?

Nikky and I decided that, as of yesterday, the year must only get better. The first 6 months of 2008 have been one nightmare after another. So many friends have died, so many people have been hurt, so many people have walked away, so many near death experiences have happened, and so much pain has blanketed life. All in 6 months.

We've entered the second half of 2008, and in this half only good things are allowed to show themselves.

Life is definitely moving. Quickly.

I called Sauk today. I go in to sign up for classes next Monday morning. I know they'll be confused as to why I didn't sign up for classes on my own online, but I really hate doing that. I like talking to people who train to help people who are just trying to figure things out tolerably, like myself, set up their schedules. One less thing to worry about. Perfect.

Maybe I'm not as ridiculous or as big a failure as I originally thought.

Apparently I'm fairly interesting too. I don't know what it is exactly, but I've managed to hook the attention of one of my absolute favorite people. I enjoy having questions to answer. I enjoy being able to say how wonderful he is on a regular basis. What I love most though is the fact that he's constantly talking back. I'm not having a one sided conversation with a wall. Instead, I've found a guy I can have deep discussions with and I'm feeling less ridiculous and self-conscious about it. On top of which, he is genuine and honest and insists that's what he wants from me. Without realizing what he's doing, he's slowly pulling down some of the walls I've maintained for years. He's letting me out...heh. I hope he's ready.

Like I said, the hope is a little scary. It's a struggle to accept the possibility that I may not be in this alone anymore. Perhaps...just perhaps...he actually is looking for me too.

Smile. The second half of this year has to get better. It already has.

The Fickle Hell-Beast

Favorite things of this very moment:

• Borders
• Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
• Jane Austen books (and the movies made from)
• Eyeliner
• New shampoo & conditioner
• Edward Cullen (and all pictures thereof)
• Jacob Black
• New books
• When Jay and I trade books
• "An Obscure Permanence" by Metasomatic

Recently Forrest was talking and he called something, I honestly don't remember what it was, a "fickle hell-beast." That...totally cracked me up. That term...it's brilliant. The question that when through my head then was: relationships.

What's more ridiculous and tormenting that dealing with the opposite sex? Seriously. Just think about it. Is there anything more tormenting (short of actual physical pain and suffering) than the struggles dealt with by those in love (or trying to head in that general direction)? I can't think of any. I think heartbreak is where the whole fickle hell-beast thing really shows it's true colors.

As my momma likes to say, "Love isn't just blind...it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid." We walk right into the open jaws of that monster, and many times we walk there willingly. What fools we mortals truly are...

Just a point to ponder.

Tormented

Favorite things of this very moment (10:17 am CST):

• New poetry to read from friends
• Sunshine
• New Moon by Stephanie Meyers
• Knowing I have one solid job and a paycheck coming tomorrow
• My cell phone
• Comfy pj's

I got back from Heather's on Monday night and just sat on the front porch for a long time staring up at the moon. Somehow my world felt like it was crashing again. I wish I could say that was unusual, but my brain and heart like to have violent reactions one a regular basis, apparently Monday night was no exception.

I had spent most of my afternoon on Monday rereading Twilight while listening to Metasomatic's cd. I was already on edge. I spent 4 hours at work zoning out and trying to understand all that had happened over the course of the last week. I just couldn't get my mind around it, and then I go to Heather's and watch "27 Dresses" (which was cute, cheesy, and incredibly predictable) which somehow just seemed to remind me that I've allowed my life to really slide right off track. Too much focusing on all the wrong things. It was virtually the tipping point.

So...we're back where we started, my front porch. I spent quite awhile just trying to frame my state of mind. God and I had another one of our long heart to hearts where I try to put my feelings into some kind of coherent mess of words. I'm glad He knows what I mean.

It's just very frustrating. You spend so much time with someone and they give you all these wonderful feelings and little cues that make you think that maybe, just maybe, this time it will be different. That you're not so crazy after all and maybe, just maybe, they might actually care for you.

But the truth is...I just don't know.

And I guess it's that uncertainty which is going to pull me right back into curling up and reading books for most of today and pretending that I understand anything at all about life or love or anything. Maybe I'll hear my answer if I listen hard enough...or at least get myself out of the way so that God actually has a chance to speak to me. Let's hope.

Nothing Better

Favorite things of this very moment (12:01 pm CST):

• The above picture of Edward Cullen...*sighs*
• That Nikky is going to here TOMORROW
• Making boxes of bizarritey for people
• Fans
• Honest emails
• That a tree branch still hasn't landed on my car despite the many times and opportunities for that very event to happen recently during the crazy storms
• UHF and other completely ridiculous movies...

I've spent the past hour looking for pictures of Edward Cullen. I've managed to keep from reading most of the stuff about Twilight so far. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to go before I completely freak out. That movie should already be out in theaters. I so badly want to see it. So badly.

Nikky will be here tomorrow. This is good. Very good. Plus that means someone will be around who actually understands my deep and undying love of all things Twilight related. Oh yeah...it's going to be great. There will be bubble blowing, Twilight discussions, side walk chalk art, bad dancing, and so much more. It will be a totally amazing worthwhile experience.

Sadly...I have absolutely nothing valuable to say, so I'll leave you with this last bit of wisdom:

Baby Fish Mouth!

Prequel to Summer

Favorite things of this very moment (3:18 pm CST):

• Contacts
• Eye liner/mascara
• Sun tea
• Books that make me think (ex: The Princess by Lori Wick)
• The "Heartbreaker" cd by Ryan Adams
• Boxes of bizzarity
• Tall attractive men calling me in the middle of the night to make sure I know I am not forgotten and to be a wonderful listener
• Paxton Laurent...that little one is my favorite
• Having a due day (Jan. 30) to look forward to for my newest little niece/nephew (SWEETNESS!)
• Blueberry scented bubbles
• Bookshelves of books I still get to read
• Kayla & Terrence's engagement

I have decided that this summer is not allowed to disappoint me. I refuse to be let down again. Yes, there will be times where I want to cry and scream and throw things (and I will throw things, it's just what I do), but over all, I refuse to believe that this summer could be anything less than extraordinary.

First, there's a baby blanket to make. A green one. Josh and Jenny are having their first little one. It's due on Jan. 30! Woohoo! I get to be an aunt, and I am excited. I'll be spoiling this little one. Oh yeah.

Second, Kayla and Terrence are now engaged. They got engaged last week at a Cubs game (the cubs won...party. Bonus). I am thrilled. Terrence is definitely the right man for her, and I know I won't have to worry about him taking care of her or her taking care of him. They're going to be happy, and life will be wonderful.

My summer is going to be full of bubble blowing (which is my plan for my evening), front porch talks, learning some guitar, ice tea, great books (I'll be re-reading the Twilight series very soon), lovely evening walks, star gazing, sidewalk chalk, visits from Nikky, FUEL, much talking to tall wonderful men (err...man), flowers, bad dancing, singing loudly, and general good times.

Oh yes, it will be a good summer.