Sometimes You Haunt Me

I threw out the Zuni hoody today. I can still feel it...even if it is buried in the kitchen trash. It was shredded from being worn almost constantly for 3 years, but it still breaks my heart. He's been gone for 3 years 1 month and 4 days. Yes...I do know that exactly.

I'm healing still. I feel like everything from this should be gone by now, but it's not. Most of the time, I do just fine, but there are still nights and situations where it feels like someone's cut open the scabs and scar tissue that's formed over the wounds.

Time heals a broken heart...

Does it really? Or does it simply ease the ache a bit. Do you ever fully recover from losing the people you love most? I feel like I'm developing a complex of some kind. Maybe I already have.

Do normal people fear losing the people they love this much? I mean, I know most people worry that the people they love will die, but do they have these thoughts as often as I do? Do they feel antsy when their whole family is somewhere without them or when they haven't talked to a close friend in several days? Maybe I really am crazy.

I wonder sometimes about the lonely ache of my thoughts while I'm at work. Sometimes it feels like there's just so much going on in my head and ache in my heart that I worry I'm going to explode. Seriously explode.

It just seems like while I'm at work my brain works overtime. That there's nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I realize it's important to have times of introspection and to "know thyself," but to what extent?

I just seem to run through everything in my head during work. Having between 4 and 6 hours of nothing but typing to do gives a person a lot of room for other thought. I'll admit that I've gotten quite a few problems sorted through during these times, I've come up with some of my best mixes (if not all of them), fleshed out some of my best plans, but still...days like today make me wonder.

Today I sat and typed without any kind of interruption. Jake didn't even have any pointless jokes or the count for how many times people sneezed, and that just left me with time. Maybe too much today. I ran through the fears. My self-doubt. Can I do this? Can I make this work? What if? What if? What if?!

I need to start believing in myself. God is with me, my family loves me, I have wonderful, wonderful friends. I am not alone.

You are not alone.

Let's dwell on that instead of the bad stuff. Let's dwell on the fact that God is bringing warmer weather into the great state of IL and that soon I'll be able to decorate my front sidewalk with pointless drawings of nothing important at all. Let's dwell on the fact that Life is short and beautiful and there is no point in wasting a moment of it thinking of just the negatives or holding on to self-doubt.

We are not alone.

Prequel to Summer

Favorite things of this very moment (3:18 pm CST):

• Contacts
• Eye liner/mascara
• Sun tea
• Books that make me think (ex: The Princess by Lori Wick)
• The "Heartbreaker" cd by Ryan Adams
• Boxes of bizzarity
• Tall attractive men calling me in the middle of the night to make sure I know I am not forgotten and to be a wonderful listener
• Paxton Laurent...that little one is my favorite
• Having a due day (Jan. 30) to look forward to for my newest little niece/nephew (SWEETNESS!)
• Blueberry scented bubbles
• Bookshelves of books I still get to read
• Kayla & Terrence's engagement

I have decided that this summer is not allowed to disappoint me. I refuse to be let down again. Yes, there will be times where I want to cry and scream and throw things (and I will throw things, it's just what I do), but over all, I refuse to believe that this summer could be anything less than extraordinary.

First, there's a baby blanket to make. A green one. Josh and Jenny are having their first little one. It's due on Jan. 30! Woohoo! I get to be an aunt, and I am excited. I'll be spoiling this little one. Oh yeah.

Second, Kayla and Terrence are now engaged. They got engaged last week at a Cubs game (the cubs won...party. Bonus). I am thrilled. Terrence is definitely the right man for her, and I know I won't have to worry about him taking care of her or her taking care of him. They're going to be happy, and life will be wonderful.

My summer is going to be full of bubble blowing (which is my plan for my evening), front porch talks, learning some guitar, ice tea, great books (I'll be re-reading the Twilight series very soon), lovely evening walks, star gazing, sidewalk chalk, visits from Nikky, FUEL, much talking to tall wonderful men (err...man), flowers, bad dancing, singing loudly, and general good times.

Oh yes, it will be a good summer.