This is Madness

BACK OFF!  Ah.

Alright, now that that's out of the way, let me explain.

For the past few months I have had an increasingly weird sense of deja vu.  Recently multiple members of my family ranging from my grandmother to siblings to parents to cousins to youngest brother's ex-girlfriend to one of my ex's younger brothers to close friends all tell me I am going to date or marry my friend Jay.

To this I say, yeah right.

Let me explain something to you wonderful people.  I spent about 3 years trying to win his heart.  He was aware of this by the end and he rejected me not once but 2 times.  There were words and kindness and he never meant to hurt me, but he never meant to love me either.

Jay is a fantastic guy.  Someone my life would be much quieter and lonelier without and not nearly as silly, but that's where this has to end.  He may be one of my best friends, but I am not going to marry him.

Yes, I know I am always telling people they should marry their best friends, and I am not changing my position on this.  I just don't intend to marry Jay.

So much would have to change.  And he would have to actually pursue me.  I refuse to be won over easily and I refuse to let this just happen.

On top of which, he hasn't changed at all since then.  I mean, not towards me.  As a result, what are these people seeing?  I have been told we work well together and have chemistry.  That may be true, but I have had "chemistry" with other people in the past and never married them.  Chemistry is not enough.

So...I guess what I am saying is, I am tired of this.

I don't want to marry him.  I don't ever want to be something someone settles for and I don't want him to be either, and that's the only way I can see this happening right now.

I want to be needed and I NEED to be wanted.  He can't do that.  The end.

Death, Life, Boys, Wonderment & Stuff

(Sam playing djembe and Jordan playing his gee-tar, yep. Oh, and Jake's arm and part of his face)

Favorite things of this moment (12:21 am EST):

• Amber singing along with the mix she's working on
• Coffee (even though drinking coffee after midnight when you have 2 finals and a sermon to deal with in the morning and should be sleeping is a terrible idea)
• Jordan's Christmas gift (it's keeping me entertained...oh yes)
• Crayons (they're a thing of beauty and a joy forever...at least for me, I really hope that never changes)
• Knowing that my last sermon will be delivered today and then I don't have to think about it anymore...
• The mix I'm working on...ha
• Knowing I get to babysit for Caleb on Thursday morning! Hooray small amounts of Christmas present buying money! Again, hooray!
• Nikky & Amber & Jordan & Jake & Regina

My last post was obviously a bit more depressing than I really try for normally. I'm sorry about that, but I was super upset. I'd just found out about Michael and I needed a good place to express that. I've realized I'm fairly terrible on the phone, and really all I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry. And that's what I did. I wrote that post and I talked to God and cried.

I don't know if the crying is completely gone, but it's stopped for now, and that's a good start at the very least.

Now if I could just convince my spastic brain to shut up about everything else in my life. Jordan, Nikky, and I have come up with some great plans for getting a couple of my issues out of the way. Burning down whole states, tequila as truth serum, truth serum as truth serum, and then Amber made cake.

The last part of that last sentence really didn't fit, but I'm leaving it.

I've decided to throw out the past month. Not entirely because a lot of it was good, but the insanity and pointless attachment I formed for someone who I'm not even sure is the person I have thought they might just be...

Let's say that differently: God and I had another talk the other day. I gave Him this situation with Sam and with everything connected to him because clearly I have no hand in this. I said the one thing I was hoping would help him see that he's asking to have his heart broken and to hurt someone, but it apparently did nothing at all to him. Outside of maybe make our friendship a little weirder than it already is. I mean, who meets someone and within a week has had them become one of their favorite people and closest friends. I think there's something wrong with my brain. Not my heart though, I think my heart has good intentions and high hopes for most people it meets. Sadly, sometimes my heart is freaking insane. Or at least it gets so excited and carried away when it finally finds someone it can talk to that it assumes things. And we all know what happens when we ASSume. *sigh*

Ha.

I have no idea where life is going at this point, but I'm hoping that when I go home for Christmas (which is happening on SATURDAY!) that it'll give me perspective. The past few days have already helped me recognize a few things, and I think God just needed to hit me upside the head again. This happens so very often. So, so, so very often. I swear to you if God wasn't a part of my every day existence I would go crazy because I wouldn't have anything to hold on to for hope and to keep me believe that things will work out in the end even if I don't have a clue how and can only hope they'll work out well.

And they WILL work out well. I just don't know how yet. But God does, so we're alright.

Night, my friends. May your day be filled with good luck, good things, good dreams and laughter. Mine looks like it's going to be filled with laundry, finals, a sermon, sleep deprivation, lots of coffee, and a good bit of insanity, but I think I can handle that. God's with me and I have wonderful friends to see me through.

Love to you all, J