Reminder in the Rain

The earthy smell of summer rain is coating over the ache of too much worry too little God. This wild lightning outside my window and the storm rolling in are reminding me of who wins in the end. Despite the neurotic, depressed, sassy mess that I am, the God of this storm, this truly beautiful, utterly powerful storm, loves me as his own. He created this storm, and He created me. 

I may not be as far reaching or blindingly beautiful as lightning, but I am a spark and light through the darkness because that's what my God and Father created me to be. And I may not be as powerful and my voice may not be as loud and commanding as this storm, but I have the strength of the God of thunder to guide me. His power is in me, and with Him in me and guiding me, who can stand against me? And my voice can speak with power and thunder when it needs to speak up for those with no voice or who need their stories heard. 

My God created me just as unique as the clouds and bolts of lightning. He made me beautiful, powerful, dangerous, cleansing, and life-giving. I am grateful this storm can remind me of what I sometimes lose along the way. God's reminders of His power and strength and of what He created in me never cease to blow me away. 

Close your eyes, listen to the storm, and I think you'll remember too. 

Dear ------,

Being without you or your words, even for only two days, makes me crazy.  You're what keeps me smiling.  Sure, I hang out with friends and find ways to entertain myself, but I find that I miss you...

I hate that I can't find a way to tell you this.  I want to tell you I miss you, but I don't want to pressure you or scare you.

Sigh.

Love you,
Jaymin

A Fool's View from the Fire Escape:

1. Lost Love - Mindy Smith
2. Fire Escape - Matthew Mayfield
3. Kill - Jimmy Eat World
4. What I Know - Parachute
5. I Caught Myself - Paramore
6. You Keep Me Hanging On - The Supremes
7. Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless
8. Missing You - Tyler Hilton
9. The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
10. Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers
11. Hopeless - Train
12. Your Time is Gonna Come - Led Zeppelin
13. Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk - Plain White T's
14. How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
15. Your New Twin Sized Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
16. So Close - Jon McLaughlin
17. Moonlight Kiss - Bap Kennedy
18. Coffee & Cigarettes - Michelle Featherstone
19. (If You Want It) - Relient K
20. I'm Gonna Find Another You - John Mayer

It's been a long hot summer and I'm still trying to leave you alone.  I heard the cold wind say I was a fool to stay, but I did.  I did. I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away. I can't help it, baby, this is who I am.  I can't just turn off how I feel.  And I'm not certain of the way it was.  And I'm not sure what I could have done... I had to stop myself from saying something that I should have never thought.  You're not the one I believe in.  I don't know what I want.  You don't want me all yourself, so let me find someone else.  You don't really love me.  You just keep me hanging on.  And I'll never be good enough.  Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath.  I'm still standing here and you're miles away.  And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart.  It's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight.  You said you wanted more, what are you waiting for?  I'm not running from you.  Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me.  All I wanted was you.  You're not sure that you love me but you're not sure enough to let me go.  Baby, it ain't fair to just keep me hanging 'round.  It's alright, ya, I'll be fine.  Just take your love and hit the road.  There's nothing you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway...  Everything has changed around here.  I'd tell it to your face, but you lost your face along the way.  And I'd say it on the phone if I thought you were alone.  Why do things have to change?  One of these days, and it won't be long, you'll look for me and I'll be gone.  Do what you want.  I can't feel you anymore.  You can say all these beautiful things, but they mean nothing.  You gotta back it up.  I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore.  How's it gonna be when you see that I'm not there?  It's the silence I can't ignore.  I use to think that someone would come along and lay beside me in the space that they belong, but the other side of the mattress...the box springs they stayed like new.  What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?  All that I wanted was to hold you so close, and I almost believe that this one's not pretend.  We are so close, so close and still so far.  I can feel my heart.  It's fit to burst.  I tried to clean it up.  But it just gets worse.  I wish I could fall, on a night like this, into your loving arms for a moonlight kiss.  I hate to say it hasn't helped me yet.  I thought my problems would just disappear and all my pain would be in yesterday.  I watched my bad habits get flushed away.  I thought that would keep my head on straight and all my pain would be in yesterday.  But it's true, I'm still blue.  But I finally know what to do.  I must quit.  I must quit you.  I can't keep a straight face and say this is not the end.  Cuz this is the end if you want it.  You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost.  There are worse things that I might be less inclined to just shrug off.  I am convincing myself that I'm worthwhile because I know that I'm worth what I convince myself to be.  I took the fire escape and made it out.  I still burn from time to time, but I am healing.  It's really over.  You made your stand.  You got me crying.  But when my loneliness is through I'm gonna find another you.  You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhyme.  I'm going to sing my way away from you.  I'm gonna find another you.  I hope he's nicer too.  So go on baby, make your little get away.  Now I'm going to dress myself for two.  Once for me and once for someone new.  I'm going to do some things you wouldn't let me do.  And I'm gonna find another you.

Here's to hope.

To Bury All This S P A C E That Keeps Two Hearts Apart

1. Like a Star - Corinne Bailey Rae


2. Run - Snow Patrol


3. Hey Jealousy - The Gin Blossoms


4. Hold Us Together - Matt Maher


5. Whole Wide World - Wreckless Eric


6. Washed by the Water - Needtobreathe


7. You Always Make Make Me Smile - Kyle Andrews


8. Please Read the Letter - Robert Plant & Alison Krauss


9. Come on Get Higher - Matt Nathanson


10. Best for Last - Adele


11. Yet - Switchfoot


12. Wait and See - Brandon Heath


13. There Is - Box Car Racer


14. Blue Eyes - Cary Brothers


15. Sweet Medicine - Jason Castro


16. You'll Ask for Me - Tyler Hilton


17. I Miss You - Incubus


18. Tonight and Forever - The Damnwells


19. Heart's a Mess - Gotye

"With every single letter, in every single word/There will be a hidden message..."

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Sir,

It sounds so strange to start this letter to you so formally, but today I am finding myself lacking in hope. It is hard to hold out hope that you will find me or that I will find you when I do not know your name nor do I even have a for sure idea of what you might look like. I am writing you this letter in the hopes that someday in the future (or maybe even today) you will stumble across this and know that even before I had proof, I was doing all I could to hold onto the hope that you existed.

All I have of you is dreams. They're not as frequent as I'd like nor do I remember as much of them as I would wish, but I know it's you. I can't help but wonder if I would completely abandon my hope that you exist if it wasn't for these dreams. They're such strange dreams. Sometimes you look familiar or famous, but no matter what else occurs, I know it's you because your kindness and warmth is always there. It's always you.

Do you know that I am here waiting? Do you know that I search the faces of everyone I meet looking for you? Do you know that sometimes I just want to scream because of the aching hole in my heart that is waiting for the missing piece that only you carry?

Last night God and I had another of our long talks. It is the same set of questions and the same set of hopes and fears that I have presented to him every couple months since I was probably around 15: Am I imagining you?

But you must be real. If you weren't real, why would God have given me these dreams? I've had them for years now. Why would he put this passion and hope in my heart if it weren't for the purpose of loving and caring for someone else? For putting someone else's needs above my own? I don't think he would. God is not cruel. He gives people dreams and passions so that they can use them for him. Believing that gives me the hope and strength I need to wait for you.

Come find me. Soon.

I love you,
Jaymin