Something's Gotta Give (And I Think It's Me)

Today is nowhere close to over, and it already feels like both an eternity and a blink.

I went and saw the surgeon today.  My mom went with me (because she's wonderful) and as we were driving up we were talking.  I told her I had had a dream where Dr. Soni (my surgeon) told me that he didn't want to do surgery till after Christmas, and in the dream I had immediately wanted to kill him with his own surgical implements.

My mom laughed, but then turned very serious and said, "I do think we should be prepared for the worst."
"Like what?" I replied, "Like he won't let me have surgery until November?  I mean, you don't seriously think he'd wait till after Christmas...because if he did that, I might really have to kill him."
"No, no.  I don't think he'll wait that long, but it may not be as soon as you want. Or he may tell you that they want to drain that cyst before they'll do surgery..." she paused, and I knew exactly where she was heading. "I know you really didn't like it when they talked about having to drain that before.  Especially since you know that means-"
"I know what it means, but they would have to knock me out or something.  There is no way I would let them do that with me conscious.  I would have to kill them if they did that, or at least hit someone in the face," I said to cut her off.  I didn't want to be thinking about the fact that them draining this cyst could very well mean that they would probably have to stick a great big needle in my stomach to drain the cyst.
"Maybe, but we just have to realize that this may not be something easy and that they may have options of how you can go about doing this."

This lead into a glorious conversation where I cried a lot because all I really want to do is move to Ohio.  I have been planning this move for the past several months.  I have been looking forward to moving in with Jake and Amber all this time, and had told my office that I would be leaving at the end of September.  I would be heading out and starting over and possibly actually proving to myself that I am, in fact, a real adult. Instead, things are being pushed back.  I will still move in with Jake and Amber, but now I have no firm ideas of when I will be healthy enough to move.  And this is what I told Mom.  I don't understand God's timing.  I know it's good, and that He's got better timing and plans than I have, but sometimes that doesn't make it easier, when all the plans and dreams you have been building towards feel like they're unraveling.  Especially when you already feel like you're a bit of a failure as adults go.

My wonderful mother told me that I was not a failure as an adult or otherwise.  That I am capable, that this will still work out, and that it may seem scary, but facing our fears helps us grow.  Not only do we grow, but sometimes facing those fears leads to even better things.  She told me she and my dad believed in me, and that they may not be able to always fix things, but they would never always do whatever they could to support me.  Things would work out.  God won't let me fall.

I don't know if you know this, but my parents are phenomenal people.

We finally got up to the surgeon's, and I went in and paid an exorbitant fee (because I am insane and did not get myself insurance the moment I turned 26) and signed papers and showed them my photo idea (apparently to prove that I am the only lunatic named Jaymin Cheatwood who would show up and pay a ton of money to have a surgical "consult").  Then we waited.  Sometime after I was supposed to actually have my appointment, a very sweet nurse named Maria came out and got me.

She did an initial couple of tests, weight, and had me reexplain how the heck I had gotten myself to the point of a surgical consult.  Then she told me Dr. Soni would be in shortly.  Another ten minutes or so pass, and then, lo and behold, who should appear but Dr. Soni (with his insanely long eye lashes, and incredibly messy hair, perhaps we wore a hat to work?) with Maria again to take notes.

After about 30 seconds of him poking around at my abdomen, he told me that he wanted to schedule me for another CT scan, and that he wanted me to see Dr. Ikenberry (the gastroenterologist).  He also wanted me to come back and see him after the CT scan.  He told me he really doesn't believe that the spots on my liver are cancer, but they'll still need to look at them again.  He also wants to see if the psuedocyst is going down at all and to make sure my pancreas is doing alright.  He said he really doesn't want to do surgery until the psuedocyst goes down a bit more (or they'll go in if I end up very sick), and if it doesn't, they'll have to go in and drain it.  Then he asked if I had any questions.  I really didn't.

My mom asked about recovery time from having my gall bladder removed.  He said he really didn't want to talk about the surgery and recovery time until we set up the actual procedure.  Dr. Soni seems to think that in roughly a month, when I see him next, that he'll be able to tell us more about all of that and get everything lined up.  He said they'll set up the CT scan for me, to make the appointment with Ikenberry, and that he'd see me in a month.

I spent less than 7 minutes will him, for a truly ridiculous price.  All this better be worth it.

So we left and headed home.  I told Mom that I had no idea how to feel about all of this.  Yes, they think I am healing, but I still have no idea when I'll get to have surgery.  This means I still have no idea about anything else too.

No idea when I will be feeling better.
No idea when I will get to move to Ohio.
No idea how I am going to pay for all of this.

No idea.

Mom handed me her phone and had me call Dad to tell him how things went, and as I am in the middle of telling him how frustrated I was that I paid a ridiculous (at least to me) sum of money to see a doctor that told me mostly what I had already heard, but not anything closer to me having surgery, and that I'd see him for maybe 7 minutes...Dad stops me and says, "I put $75 in your account."  He goes on to tell me that a beloved cousin had asked him to deposit money into my account to help with my expenses in all this.  I thanked him for the good news, told him I loved him, and got off the phone.

I ended up crying for the next 10 or so minutes.  I was just so overwhelmed by the love and kindness of someone who I already adore and respect so much...God's timing really is perfect.

I still don't know a lot of things about my future, immediate or otherwise, and I am still incredibly frustrated at some of this because I still don't feel like I have answers for something that should be so simple, but at the same time I know this: I am so blessed.

God is using the people I love and respect, along with acquaintances and a couple of strangers to show me that He loves me, and that He's got this under control.

Something's gotta give, obviously, and it needs to be me.

So here's my white flag God.  I surrender.  You've got to take care of this because clearly I cannot.



One last thing because I haven't done one any time recently, here is a list.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (3:25 pm CST):

• Kleenex
• My Hawaiian Breeze fan
• Writing thank you notes
• Tall glasses of ice water and lemon
• The bracelet Nikky made me at FUEL this year which I have been wearing all day
• Mom's pep talks
• My dad
• Sleeping kitties (who are NOT on the table this time)
• Surprises

Why my Mom is the Coolest

A picture of my mom from a couple winters ago.  My dad took this.

My mother's birthday is today.  Because I have been sickly and have barely left the house in weeks, I do not have a gift for her yet, but I will be writing her a lovely card this afternoon before she and my dad get back from running around Rockford for her birthday.

My mother is amazing.  This summer she has shown that again and again and again.  Don't get me wrong, I have always been amazed by my mother and have felt God has blessed me with the best mom in the world, but this summer, as you have heard, has been a bit of a crazy one for me.  During all of this, she has never failed to lift me up, pray for me, and do all that is within her power to help me out.  My mom is an incredible woman.

I have been thinking about that a lot today, for obvious reasons, and I thought I would share with you some of the reasons my mom is so incredible (these are in no particular order):

1. She is always there for me.  Through everything I have dealt with this summer, be it boy trouble (there's been a lot of that), physical pain, financial worries, lots of crying, frustration, sickness, and anger...she has never left me or failed to listen.
2. She always finds the time.  As you can imagine, me being as sick as I am (and have been), there have been a lot of appointments and tests to go to.  My mom has never once complained about having to drive me anywhere, and she's had to take off a lot of work to take care of me.  She even drove me to an appointment this morning and went with me in to see the doctor and to the lab when I had to have blood drawn.  She never fails to make time for me when I need it, even if that means postponing something she had planned to do.  She is wonderful.
3. She always makes me laugh.  There has been so much in the way of stress and worry and...well...bad feelings this summer, but in spite of all of those things, my mom always makes me laugh.  It could be because we have the same morbid, twisted sense of humor, but she always finds a way to make a bad situation (no matter how bad) seem hilarious exactly when I need her too.  It always makes life easier to handle when you can find something to laugh about, and she really helps with that.
4. She helps me see where God's at work.  Today on the way back from my doctor's appointment, my mom pointed out the beauty of the timing for all of this to happen.  Sure, there's never really a good time for your body to decide that it hates you, but honestly, the timing could have been so much worse.  I was still at home, so my family could support me and help take care of me.  I am working for a company that was willing to be understanding of my predicament and let me come back to work even though I've missed so much time.  My mom is working for a company run by a wonderful woman who is friend's with our family and was more than willing to let my mom off or move her hours around so she could help me with whatever I needed.  There's been so much lately that God's done that I may not have seen if it hadn't been for her helping me see it.
5. She loves me so much and tries to make sure I never forget it or doubt it.  My mother is, and always has been, an incredible mom.  She takes the time, does the little things, pays attentions, is always willing to help, prays, helps me to understand all this complicated medical junk, and always tells me she loves me.  She is a great mom.
6. She always fights for me.  There have been many times over the past few weeks that I have been scared or confused or didn't know what to ask anymore, but my mom has been willing to step in and help me ask the questions I didn't have the strength to ask or to fight for whatever I needed from my doctors.  She has always been willing to stand up for me when I needed it, but I don't know if I have ever appreciated that as much as I do now.  I could not have done a lot of this without her help.

God has really blessed me with a wonderful woman of God as my mother.  She is amazing, and I truly hope that as I get older I become more and more like her.  

Happy birthday, Ma.  I love you, and I hope you never question that.  May this be a fantastic birthday for you, and I hope that there are many more beautiful years ahead.  You're wonderful.

A Week in Review: It Wasn't THAT Bad! No, Really!

I have been a major downer this week, and I want to apologize for that.  Until yesterday, the week had been one grey, rainy, cold, colorless week.  Or at least that was how I was feeling about the whole thing. 

So let's refocus, shall we?  Instead of whining anymore, I would like to tell you about the AWESOME of my week.

Pie... 

Starting with PIE!  Yes, this week I made pie.  Two of them actually.  The one pictured here was the one I made for my family.  It was a bit of an experiment (as many of mine are anymore).  I put blueberry and cherry pie filling in it, but then I added fresh pear and some dried cranberries.  I realize that probably sounds really, really odd, but the combo was actually really perfect.  We ate this delightful pie while drinking some tasty decaf on Wednesday night.  I made this pie and a second one that was just plain cherry.  The cherry pie actually went to the church on Thursday night.  Autumn on Parade is this weekend and I had agreed to make a pie for the church's booth.  But we at this one here at home, partially because I needed to make pie, but also partially to celebrate the fact my mom had a successful first day run of "Quilters" which is the musical she is currently in through PAG here in town.  

Mom is the sweet, sweet Prairie fire there in the middle!

My father and I actually went to see "Quilters" last night.  I really hadn't wanted to see this musical.  That may sound a little rude or harsh or mean, but one of Mom's monologues was the most depressing bit of a musical I have ever heard, and I have seen Les Miserables...  Honestly, she has this monologue about this little girl's 7th birthday and her mom is already dead, but then during the monologue both the girl's dad AND sister die.  It's 30 below, she's 7, it's her birthday, she becomes an orphan, and she's alone in this dirt house on the prairie.  Honestly.  *shudders*  That one is awful, but the rest of the musical was great.  I mean, Mom did a wonderful job with her monologue, but the rest of the musical was, for the most part, far more upbeat, and it was often really funny.  That I really didn't expect.  The funny was a glorious touch.  If you get a chance at some point, Quilters is a musical well worth watching.  Just make sure you take Kleenex.  

Handsome Rob (erta?)

Ah yes, and then there was one more surprise addition to the week.  On Monday night, Joel was taking stuff out to the garage, and when he came back in he said there was a kitten in the garage.  Sure enough, out in the rain was an adorable little kitten.  I named it Handsome Rob even though we are now pretty sure it's a girl.  This cat is adorable and sweet, but sadly we just don't have the money to take her to the vet for her shots so we can keep her.  We are currently feeding her, and she is currently living on our porch.  We're working on finding her a good home where people will love her as much as we are all coming too.  So...*hint, hint,* if you want an adorable, cuddly, purring kitten of your very own, please let me know.  I would love to see Handsome Rob(erta) to a good home.  The good thing is, the vet we take our cats to told us that if we can't find her a home by the end of next week, he will take her in and find her a good home.  This definitely makes me feel better.  I just want this little one to be loved.  She's so sweet.

Anyway, today is sunny and glorious, and my mood and brain have finally gone back to where they need to be.  Sure...life isn't perfect, but it never will be.  But, I can smile because I got to sleep in this morning, my mom made chocolate chip banana muffins, I am listening to Jamie Cullum sing to me about how weird your 20's are (AMEN!), and in a few hours I will be having dinner with my friend Morgan and some of her friends for her birthday.

Life is going to be just fine.