Collab 6: 4Am

There are still nights when I question

If I'm in it for the right reasons

Am I selfish?

I always wanted

To be something good

For the people around me

For my family

For friends

For strangers

But, mostly,

Always,

For you

Some nights I worry,

Did I trick you into

Believing I was/am truly a good thing?

Is this just the ghost

Of a past that I know

I can't run from?

A reminder of a melody

That use to set me on fire

To burn me to the ground?

The words still sting

"You're too much."

"You could look better

If you dressed this way."

You should

You could

Why are you?

Those echoes never leave

I know I'm not perfect

I look in the mirror every day

(As if I needed the reminder)

And I see my flaws

Not just the scars

Or the stretch marks,

But the triggers and wounds,

The sins I hide 

The bitter words

The fears that I let 

Tie me down and hold me back

From all that I could,

Or should,

Be doing with my life

For me and you.

I know the shadows that still linger

Just know,

Please just know,

I love you

Water Under the Bridge

Today has been one of those days where I try to prove myself to be courageous and honest and kind.  All the things that I want to be.  It's felt like I've been failing pretty viciously today, but I'm less than two hours from the end of this day.  Tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Favorite things of this very moment (10:21 PM CST):

• Old songs with renewed meanings (Ex: The Wedding EP by The Wedding)
• One of my best friends telling me that at least we knew I was doing the right thing
• Knowing someone thinks I'm beautiful and letting that actually permeate my brain
• Scrub pants (the kind I can't wear to work because they too easily want to fall off, but are so ridiculously comfy that I have to sleep in them)
• Metallic markers
• The reality that we're less than a week out from the end of this awful presidential election and then it will be done and maybe we can move on to the next thing
• That things are starting to move along with Maggie's case and there is hope that justice will be served for her and Amos both
• Hypoallergenic earrings that seem to be helping my ears out a lot
• That my body seems to be actually responding to new medications
• Chocolate