Madness of the Gods (or Lust and Why I'm a Bad Person)

For the past few days I've been rereading Rob Bells' incredible book Sex God. Today as I was reading I was struck by something he said:

"Lust comes from a deep lack of satisfaction with life. This is why we have to slow down and reflect on our lives before we'll ever begin to sort out the significance of this. Lust often starts with a thought somewhere in our head or heart: 'If I had that/him/her/it, then I'd be...'

When we're not at peace, when we aren't content, when we aren't in a good place, our radar gets turned on. We're looking. searching. And we're sensory creatures, so it won't be long before something, or somebody, catches our attention.

And it always revolves around 'if,' doesn't it?

If I just..."

Uuuuuugh. This sums me up.

The last thing I want to do is to objectify someone else. I don't want to be bored and frustrated with what I'm placed in in life. God put me here for a reason, and I want to be able to be content in this. If Paul could be content in all circumstances, including shipwreck, prison, etc., why on earth am I incapable of doing the same?

I don't want to feel like I'm incomplete without someone in my life. I want to see other people as the beautiful creatures they are and not as something that I must "possess" in order to feel justified in life and complete.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if there is something wrong with me. How do I reframe my mind? More importantly, how do I control my thoughts and my heart? I want the overflow from my heart to be positive and wonderful. I want it to be, as Conor Oberst said, "the warm yellow light" that covers the people I love. I want to be something good in the lives of others and I don't want to lust after people and things in any capacity. I don't want that to be one of my many faults.

Yesterday, Sam and I were discussing fasting. Two weeks ago he did a 3-day green tea detox, and this past week I did one. The thing that impressed us both was that we realized we were capable of that kind of restraint. Three days with no food. Three days of green tea and water. For a pair of kids in their early 20's who grew up in America where people eat constantly, you gotta admit, this is pretty impressive. I'm not saying we're super heroes or anything, but I was excited to realize that I can say no to things when I feel it's important.

I told Sam what excites me most is the fact that this means we can use this same principle in other areas of our lives. I think it's high time that I figure out how to make this happen in the rest of my messy life. I've learned I'm capable of more. I need to prove it.

Sam is talking about doing a day of fasting each month, and I think this wouldn't be a bad plan. It would be nice to prove to myself that I can do this each month. Plus it would, as Sam put it, give me motivation and help me see what I can do. Plus, if I make sure I do this once a month, it will make it something sacred and important. I can do more to focus on God and maybe continue to learn to listen.

Things to think about.

A Few Good Things

Favorite things of this very moment (3:53 pm):

• Finally having all my Christmas shopping done and knowing I got something everyone I bought for will actually want...Yes
• Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks
• Starbucks "dates" with Jenna
• Old fashioned cream drops
• That today is payday
• That Mom lets me wear her work boots
• Meeting the president of Sauk Valley Community College and him being such a nice man
• Fake facial hair
• Speculating on the origin and purpose of a group of teenage (well...possibly college) guys where suits and bow ties wondering collectively through Barnes & Noble (and yet they never sang...they should have)
• Friendly sales people who actually take your strange questions seriously and never question you carrying around a book with the words "Sex God" clearly printed on the cover
• That Christmas is 6 days away, Heather comes home in 2 days, Rachel comes home in 1 day, Jeff comes home in 2 days, and I will get to be in Ohio in 14 days...oh yeah...only 14

Life is good. Jenna and I spent a good deal of time today telling each other stories. Por ejemplo:

me: lighting my coat on fire, ABC stories, how I met people at FUEL

Jenna: how she met Mike Zizert & Jon Fletcher, the Tulip festival, her car accident

Needless to say, it was a very bizarre and lovely event. Spending time with one's cousins should always be this much fun. We're going to try and get together again before she heads back to school.

The only thing that didn't make me happy today was finding out that my Starbucks gift card will not work at the Starbucks in Barnes & Noble because though it is a Starbucks, it is technically not of the Starbucks or something weird, so next time I meet Jenna I may just say that we need to go to the "official" real-deal Starbucks so that I don't have to spend money. Geez.

Oh, and the other displeasing item was getting to the Dollar General to buy Veggie Tale's videos for my Sunday School class only to find 4 of them when we have, in fact, 7 kids (though only 4 of them show up regularly). Boo. Oh well, I got hideous snowman lanterns, so the kids are going to have to enjoy them and Kayla and I will make them cookies or something to go with them. So there. bwahaha.

All in all, an excellent, though very busy day.

And on that note, I have nothing outside of this to say. At least nothing constructive.