A friend of mine has been talking about panic attacks a great deal lately. I can't claim to be an expert or to know the depths of frustration and stress people who have full-blown panic attacks deal with, but I get the feelings of terror and hopelessness that can overwhelm and knock you down.
Every so often I'll find myself doing some completely mundane activity only to suddenly have my brain go in a spiral of pain. I've had this happen a couple times this week. The aggravating part is that the trigger tends to be something happy that plays connect the dots till it reaches the frayed ends of an old broken memory or promise. Those broken promises and lost pathes still manage to get the best of me sometimes.
Christmas time is hard. I love Christmas. I love the fact that people tend to breathe easier, that it's totally acceptable for me to sing hymns at work, that Christmas lights twinkle everywhere and I can spoil the people I adore with immunity.
But there are times when I'm in the midst of the joy of this season where I'll see the gap that use to hold something special. There are decorations I use every year that feel bittersweet since the love that gave them to me has left me behind. I try not to let myself focus on it for long, but sometimes you miss what you miss.
So I guess I'll just say merry Christmas, baby. I know we couldn't make it last because you had a different universe to run, but sometimes my mind flickers and longs for a time when I was the moon caught in your orbit. I hope you still find the magic.
I hope I do too.