Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Reason to Believe

Today I am trying to push through my trust issues and also my own faults and hope for something better.

I've been living here in Ohio for roughly a month and a half.  I have been blessed with two jobs where I work with great people.  I seem to be fairly healthy although I am still trying to eat better.  I am spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to juggle bills especially since I have the glorious added stress of the great car key debacle which Alan paid for.  I still haven't figured out how to pay him back.  It's not like I have much if any money.

I realize I am going to be 27 in just over a month, but right now I feel just as scared and frustrated as I did at 19 when I moved to GA and it took 6 months to find a job.  Maybe I really will lose weight simply because I can't afford to eat.  I'll become Jeff when he moved to Chicago minus the cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol and slowly turn into a twig figure although to be fair, he had at least 75 less lbs to worry about to begin with.  Maybe I should look at this as something in my favor.

If I am lucky, Bath & Bodyworks will be hiring again soon, and then I might have a third job.  It won't be constant, but it will be something extra.  I desperately need that something extra.  I still have about $1,700 left on my surgical bills, about $330 on a bill from radiology, and now just under $400 to pay to Alan because of the great car key debacle (never buy a car from a friend of a friend...they're liars and cheats...at least the ones in Mt. Morris are...jerkgirl).

I am tired of feeling guilty that I got sick or that someone stole MY purse (not me losing the keys somewhere stupid, it was STOLEN...please stop joking that this is funny because at this point it just makes me nauseous and frustrated at myself which isn't fair).  I am tired of feeling guilty for not knowing how to pay Alan back.  I am tired of worrying that I won't have the money together to pay for gas or to pay my half of David & I's cell bill or that I won't be able to help contribute with groceries.

I am just tired.  I hate myself for feeling so beaten.  I am lucky.  I am living with two of my best friends.  I don't have rent or utilities to pay.  I have two jobs.  I know nice people.  I have food to eat and clothes to wear.  I am incredibly lucky.  God blesses me all the time...why do I still feel like a horrible failure?

Why do I feel like I'm going to let my parents down or that I'm going to make Jake and Amber hate me?  I am tired of hearing pity in peoples' voices or annoyance.

I just want to know I can do this, and today I am struggling to believe.

There's that song by Dashboard Confessional called "Reason to Believe," and it's been stuck in my head off and on for the past couple of days.  It's become the song I sing to myself trying to push myself a little further even if I don't know what I am pushing into.

I need a reason to believe, that I have victories to taste
I can feel them on my teeth, upon my lips and in my chest
I can roll them on my tongue, they are more supple than defeat
I feel the tension in my lungs and every move is fueled by my resolve...

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