Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I am afraid.

"Our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world."
-Marianne Williamson

Read the quote again.

Alright, now we can start.

I am afraid.
Marianne Williamson had an excellent point. That quote is one of my favorites. It's one my facebook profile, it's written on several notebooks I own so far, and I'm sure it will be on many more. The problem is, I don't live by those words.
Or rather, maybe I do, but not in the sense that I should. I am afraid.
God created each of us to be something unique and beautiful. We were to serve God and others using the wonderful gifts he has given us.
Why aren't we using them?
Let's stop generalizing. I like to use the word "we" and talk about our collective issues and problems, but in this case, let me break it down and bring it back to what I'm really trying to say: I.
I am having a problem. I want to live my life with all that I have, and I don't want to play small because like Marianne said so beautifully, it doesn't serve the world. I have often heard it said that the first step to conquering a problem is admitting you have one, so here I am. I am writing these words to you to let you know that I have a problem and it all comes down to these 3 words:
I am afraid.
I am afraid of failing in my attempts to use my talents. I am afraid that I will fall flat on my face. I am afraid people will look at my work, which is a mirror into my heart and my soul, and they will laugh at it or tell me that these gifts I have been given are not adequate, that I am not enough. I am afraid of the rejection. I am afraid to put my heart on the line or to risk changing aspects of my life because I have found a comfortable, sane, safe, average routine.
But mostly...I am afraid of me. What if I fail and it embarrasses the people I love most? What if the things I have to say shock people and they no longer want to care for me or it causes them to see me differently and they don't appreciate that?
Are you noticing a pattern? I am. A lot of "what if"s and a lot of fear of rejection.
That's why I'm trying to get this out in the open right now. Here. Today. I am afraid. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it, and that's okay. What's important is the fact that I need to take my talents, all those little things (and the big ones too) that God has given to me and I need to do all that I can with them.
I will write.
I will encourage.
I will speak up.
I will counsel.
And most importantly, I will show love in the little things. Every day I will work to show love.
Yes, I will fail, and hurt myself and screw up horribly and embarrass people from time to time (or frequently for all I know), but I will be moving forward. I will be trying to grow, and I will be trying to live the life God intended for me.
I will shine.
And that's what is truly important.
I hope you do the same.

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