Monday, January 7, 2008

Send the Light

Favorite things of this very moment (11:07 pm):
  • Having a stack of letters from Nikky to reread tomorrow
  • Having a stack of new books to read
  • A notebook covered in squirrels...bwahaha
  • My cell phone
  • Ben's honesty and logic
  • Prayer
  • Beds that don't try to eat you

I've been home from Ohio for 4 hours, and I already wish I was back.

God and I had a talk on the way home. The tears I've held in all weekend magically appeared several hours into the trip and lasted for quite awhile. I need to be more positive and more confident, but it's been a real struggle lately. Between the issues with money and the hopelessness and the overwhelming feeling of restlessness...I just don't know what to do next.

It's just that ever since I've been home from ABC, I feel I've lost something. A piece of me is worth, my purpose. People keep trying to explain my purpose to me, and so far, I haven't found a single one of them to be truly right. Sure, I've been able to help out in different areas, but as far as permanent position Nothing.

Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do?

I am scared. I'm scared to uproot myself and move, but to be honest, I need a bigger space, new room to grow. It's like those plants that have to be transplanted because their roots start to strangle them...that's kind of how I feel.

I adore my family, and if I end up being called to leave, I will miss them terribly. Don't misunderstand that, it's just that...I feel like I may need to be somewhere else.

Ben thinks I need to be somewhere else. I've got a lot more praying, reading and pondering to do...but he may be right.

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