Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

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Favorite things of this very moment (10:13 am CST):

• Having just put my 3rd dose of meds in my system and knowing that this is taking the Strep and the pain of this whole past week out of my system...finally
• Getting into my email today and seeing an email from the tall one when I've barely spoken to him in almost 3 weeks now
• Feeling the ache slowly fade into the feeling of a bruise constantly being poked at instead of the throbbing pain of a new wound that aches with every beat of your heart
• Nikky's latest draft of "Somewhere in the Middle"
• Tyler Hilton
• Christmas lights
• Watching the snow fall and knowing my brothers will be the ones clearing off my car because they're trying to keep me healthy
• That my car door actually opened right away this morning...miracle of miracles
• Knowing I'll be going to work today for the first time in a full week
• Kleenex
• Trying to understand all the dreams I've had lately
• My beautiful rainbow colored slipper-socks that I bought myself last week...the day I got sick actually...ha.
• Knowing Christmas is only two short days away

What can you say? The snow is falling and it's beautiful today. Today has all the individuality of a snowflake, but little of the cold. Today is a stack of presents under the tree with all the mystery that lies with them. Today is dancing in the living room in your pj's and socks when it's already late morning and you still haven't accomplished anything.

Today is 2 days before Christmas. Two.

Life has a funny way of moving even when you can't do anything. I have been sick since last Tuesday. A full week of my life spent between my bed and the couch feeling like my eardrums were going to explode and eating enough to make my stomach stop clawing at me, but not enough to ever feel satisfied. Enough soup involved to make me think soup will be avoided if possible for awhile. A week in which I did barely any reading and watched more movies and TV show seasons than I dreamed possible. A wasted week.

But life moves.

I did manage to go to church on Sunday. It was beautiful. My dad puts together the Christmas service every year. I think it's one of the highlights of his year, and that's alright with me. He always does a wonderful job. This year he made it a walk through Bethlehem. It was beautiful. He got the little ones involved, had a group of guys sing, just involved a whole bunch of people in the service that aren't normally involved. It was beautiful. Everything just focused back to the wonder of the season. The wonder of little ones and how amazing the Christmas story really is. Especially when you look at it through the eyes of a child. Just think about Christ's birth and the angels and the shepherds. Everything is so incredible and amazing, but all too often we stop thinking about the beauty and wonder of the season and of Christ's miraculous birth. Instead we get swept away in the commercialism of the season.

The Charlie Brown Christmas special is my favorite for this very reason. Everyone so caught up the in the commercialism of the season, and then you have Linus come out on the stage and tell you exactly what Christmas really is all about: Good news of great joy which shall be to all people.

Shouldn't that be our focus? The beauty of the fact that we were given a small baby who grew to be the savior of the world. Who was God's love personified and given to all of us?

Isn't that amazing?

So spread the joy and the love today. Have yourself a merry little Christmas, my friend. Find something little (or big) to do for someone else today. Clean off someone's car for them. Shovel someone's walk. Make someone some cookies. Send a friendly note. Do the dishes or the laundry. It doesn't have to be big or fancy, just make sure you spread a little love today. Those little things are what make everything worthwhile.

With all my love, I wish you the merriest of merry Christmases (especially if I don't make it on this again before Christmas). May it be full of love, life, joy and all the beauty your heart can contain. And maybe even a little magic. :)

Through the Looking-Glass

Feeling as though I'm going through the looking-glass
What am I seeing?
Do you see what I see?
I put my hand to the glass
Your hands mirror my action
Though I can see your fingers touching mine,
They feel as cold as the glass they are behind
We don't wear masks,
But we put up these walls of glass
Why are they so hard to break?
I can see you
Your heart is visible through the pane
But all I do seems in vain
There's no touching you

A bit.

I want to live with hope
But I feel so delusioned.
Fantasy seems to get the best of me so often
You cross my mind more than you ought
Time is hard to define
It passes too quickly when you're by my side
The moonlit nights revive the ache,
and my fears are hard to hide
Trusting you has been easier than I ever dreamed it could be
But isn't that how heartbreak starts
Your claims of compassion, of passion, of need
Taking care of this still beating heart
These things you tell me
All this you say you'll give
The words are clean and the air tastes of sincerity,
Why then do I still feel so alone?

What's A Girl To Do?

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Favorite things of this very moment (8:45 am CST):

• Tyler Hilton
• Mom's comment that she's never seen me move as fast as I did this morning when she woke me up to tell me that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were going to be on the Today show
• Seeing Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart on the Today show
• Talking to Dan online this morning
• Knowing Nikky will have a box from me in hand by the end of today
• Having a discussion with Ben when I don't have nearly enough sleep and too much caffeine in my system
• The urge to dance badly, even when sleep deprived, caffeinated, and aching
• That this is sincerely my friend Dustin reincarnated into a movie villain, and not just any villain, but JAMES: http://www.bordersmedia.com/twilight/?cmpid=SL_20081120_REW#video

How should love be?

Honestly, what's it really supposed to be like? How are you supposed to know when you've found the right person? Obviously things aren't immediately going to go smoothly. Life doesn't work that way, and I have a sneaking suspicion that love doesn't either.

Do you know you're in love when all you want is for that other person to be happy? Does it become obvious when you what to sacrifice what you want in order that they're taken care of? Or does that just mean that you want to be a martyr?

I don't want to be a martyr. I want to find a way to love and love deeply, but the thing is, in order to do that, you have to find someone to love.

Here I am world.

I am lost, lonely, and aching for something more. At least somewhere deep down I am. Ironically, on the surface, for the people I meet, most of them don't see this side of me. I don't like it showing through. Savage intensity tends to scare people...go figure.

So what's a girl to do?

She writes. A lot. Lyrics, bad poetry, the occasional bit of good poetry, scripts, sketches, scenes from life, short stories, and works on books.

Maybe someday I'll have a tall dark outlet for this insanity. The kind that has a beautiful voice and likes to read books as much as I do and won't mind staring up into the night sky with me for hours...

Until then, I'll work on living.

Something

Favorite things of this very moment (1:38 pm CST):

• TheArtSociety (http://www.youtube.com/user/TheArtSociety)
• Mixes from Nikky
• Fraiser Season 3
• Having a cd player in my car (fantastic)
• Leaving messages of encouragement ("I hope you successfully take over the world!") on people's voicemail
• Books
• My digital camera

"You and I've got something then it's all and then it's nothing to me..."

Again, I say unto you, life is a beautiful thing.

No Shuffling And/Or Whimpering. Ever.

Favorite things of this very moment (10:36 am CST):

• Tyler Hilton
• Lunch invites from Dan (and Heather comes too!)
• Seriously horrible dancing interrupted when the person you're calling actually answers and you can't stop giggling for a full minute before you can actually talk to them...
• Good emails
• Pumpkin Spice mixed French Vanilla cappuccino.
• Sunshine

Today will be a good day. I can feel it in every breath I take.

There's something about autumn sunshine that breaks my heart and makes me new all at the same time. Like is shines through all the broken bits of a heart and makes it heal a bit faster. Almost like it's an adhesive of some kind bring it all back together.

Lately everything has been aching and hard to take. I was warned that relationships were hard from the very beginning. Especially when you're not actually with the person you adore, but instead find yourself in the position of their most trusted/beloved friend. Keepers of secrets and holder of their faith. Finding it hard to find balance between the best friend and all the desires of your heart.

My mom says that it's because I'm just like she was. Let's hope so. Her story ended well. Mine will too, however that works.

Fingerpaints

I wish I had a canvas to throw paint on
To take my confusion out in colors
Red, blue, teal
The streaks and smears to show you how I feel about everything
Tears in my clothes, holes in my shoes
Do I look more like a lost little kid to you than the adult I’m supposed to be?
How lost do I seem?
Thinking I could ever be something to you seems so asinine
How could you love me when I’m still learning to grow up?
One failure at a time, please.
I see those colors and the painting I create in my head
If only I could just show you the canvas
If only I could figure out what I’m trying to show you, what I want you to see
What am I trying to be?

This Cannot Be My Fate

I stare at my ceiling wishing it could whisper to me some words of comfort. That it could somehow be something magical and that it could tell me that my fears are irrelevant. I could not possibly have come so close to someone only to lose them. That cannot possibly be my fate.

I adore him. He’s become the Band-Aid upon my wounded heart. Everything about him makes me smile, even his stubborn streak that lets him believe he’s right when he’s clearly wrong. He has been the first honest person I feel I’ve met in years and gradually he’s overcome my barriers and won my trust.

I cannot lose him now. Not after finally letting down my barriers. Not after finally coming out of the shell and prison I’ve locked myself in for so long. Not after finally finding someone I can honestly be myself with and feeling that he actually appreciates my candor and quirks.

Why is this happening? These feelings, all that I want to do with/for him, all the joy I have upon seeing him, all that I want for him…will someone else get to keep him?

The irony is that I shouldn’t be reacting like this. I shouldn’t. I’ve been praying that he will find someone. Not just anyone mind you, but the One. I want him to be happy. He’s an amazing man, but I recognize the ache of loneliness that tinges his late night emails and how he plays with talk of the future with a rather free-wheeling appearance though it rings much deeper than he wants to show. I want what is best for his life. I want him to find the joy and love he truly deserves…and if this girl is it, I guess I will have to relinquish my hopes and let him go.

But is she? Can she see how wonderful he truly is? Does she appreciate his honesty and his straightforward manner? Will she find him too abrupt? Will she appreciate his ability to help anyone and everyone ever searching for someone to fill in for their band? Can she understand the level and commitment of his faith? His strength in his belief? How he can eat a large pizza all by himself in a manner of minutes? Will his smile send her heart racing? How he can't understand what a hangover is like because he's never had one, but still absolutely loves a good beer? Does his laugh keep her smiling long after he’s gone? Will she find his fear of centipedes endearing, even if it means that it will take both of them to get rid of one? Will she encourage his ability as a writer? Will she be able to have extensive conversations on the most pointless of topics? Will she be at every show to encourage him? Will she be constantly telling people about his talent? Will she feel empty when he isn’t present? Will she find herself unable to banish his face from her dreams at night (would she want to even if she could?)? Will she write him letters? Will she let him know how amazing he really is on a regular basis? Will he be able to fully be himself? Will she try to change him or demand him to be or do things that he doesn’t want to do?
Can she really love him like I do?

Maybe I don’t really love him. Maybe I just see him as something more than beautiful. Someone incredibly wonderful that I wish could love me. Maybe I’m in love with the idea of him right down to every strand of hair that falls into his beautiful green eyes and the way he yawns…

Or maybe I have allowed myself to fall in love with my best friend.

The Reset Button

Favorite things of this very moment (12:33 pm CST):

• Dynamic Horizons Computer Services
• My wonderful long-sleeved brown/green wool sweater with the extra long sleeves that cover most of my hand and keep me feeling cozy
• Leaving insanely long and repetitive voicemails which include not only relevant information, but also things like pointless lists of things that I love (a good hat, dark chocolate, mix cds, Count Chocula, etc.)
• Bubble wrap
• Finding a box that is just the right size
• Kind parents who are willing to let you borrow their car when yours is in the shop
• Dragonflies
• Rings that remind you of your ideals and dreams for life
• Being officially out of Etter's Algebra-from-Hell class
• Switchfoot's "Beautiful Letdown" cd...sometimes you forget how much you love a set of songs...

I finally had Mr. Etter sign my withdrawal slip today. I'm so glad. It made me feel a little guilty though. I was waiting when he came in and he was smiling till he saw me. Like somehow I single handedly had just ruined his entire day. Maybe I had. I imagine having someone withdrawal from your class feels a bit like rejection, and I have a lot of experience with how that feels. It's not a pleasant thing, but you know, sometimes it happens.

Aaron didn't cause me to feel like I should implode or even hyperventilate today. He's back to normal and feeling much better. No suggestive comments, no meaningful stares, no longing in anyone's eyes. Just warmth, kindness, and laughter, like always. I'm so glad. I don't need to find myself questioning my beliefs and morals and values like that ever, ever again. At least not for such base reason. *shakes head* Sometimes I truly am an idiot.

The tall one has been left his weekly message. I realized last week that I call him each Friday. It's virtually the same message: "Are you coming over?" The thing is, I like to throw in my own special brand of insanity in each message. This weeks message included the "things I love" list which I posted examples of in my favorite things of this moment list earlier. Yeah...sometimes I amaze even me.

Today doesn't feel like anything deep or profound. Instead it seems kind of relaxed. That seems ironic considering I have already been to school, taken care of business with Etter, gone to the counseling office (of course they can't reschedule my appointment because they're only taking walk-in's at the moment...boo), and now I'm at Dynamic until 3. Then I will find myself running home and then running back out of the house to get to Kable by 3:30 so that I can get the last of my overtime in.

I think this sense of calm is from God. A peace that surpasses understanding. That's how I feel because I know that I should be worrying about something (at least that's how I act under normal circumstances of this kind), but it's like everything's in slow motion. This isn't a bad thing, instead it's allowing me to focus a little better on what is going on around me and to take it in and enjoy it at my own pace. A true thing of beauty. God is amazing.

God and I had a long talk last night, actually. This talk mainly discussed how I am an idiot. Lately I've fallen off the deep-end. This week I have been as far from happy with myself as I have been in a very long time. It's just like everything went haywire. I'm not really sure how I managed to let everything get this bad, but it did. A lot of things should not have been said or thought or considered or done. Yet I did them. Why was I rebelling like this? I'm not a teenager. There's no reason for this kind of immature behavior from me, but it seems to have been the theme of the week: stupid, impulsive, childish, and the worst was the thought process. Reigning in my thoughts should have been a higher priority, but I was lazy.

So I'm back to the beginning and moving forward. Cleared slate, and we'll see what I can make of it this time. God is gracious to the extreme and I truly don't deserve this kind of love and forgiveness.

Reset.

Life moves, and I'm moving with it.

Where We Gonna Go From Here...

Favorite things of this very moment (11:49 am CST):

• Free Internet access found on any computer in the Sauk Valley Community College library
• Squeaky keys on the keyboard
• The dried up, shriveled apple core sitting next to the computer that I have been staring at off and on since I sat down (what exactly do you do? Do you find something to pick it up with and throw it away? Do you leave it for someone else to find and contemplate? Do you complain to one of the librarians?)
• The Geography of Bliss
• Knowing that I did complete my part of Check point #2 for the IQ project
• Aaron calling me his hero and telling me he really "feels the love, right here" (while pointing at his chest...haha)
• The silence of the library
• Watching the rain out the window and contemplating how quickly I will have to run as I don't have an umbrella...

Life has been thrown off-balance again. It doesn't thrill me completely, but it does pose a challenge. I've decided to rise to the occasion.

My beloved camry died 2 weeks ago today. This caused me to alter my life plans (does this surprise you?). It did enough to truly throw my entire financial plan off-kilter and caused me to make the decision that I would try to go full time at Kable as soon as this school year was over, if not sooner. That way I would be able to get myself out of debt both to my father and to whatever financial institution I would be borrowing money from for the car.

Blow number 2 came about when I got to work that Friday after the car died. I had found out the day before that the car was officially a bust, that there was no reason to try to fix it, and then I go into work (which I love, I truly love this job) and find out they're moving the business. Kable News will start being known at Palm Coast Data and the entire fulfillment side of the business (accounting, customer service, and data entry) will all be moved down to the Palm Coast location in FL because the business has been offered huge tax incentives and will find a readily available workforce (aka. illegal immigrants from the way it's looking, retirees aren't going to want to do these jobs). Yep...there goes the rest of Mt. Morris's economic standing. Somewhere around 425 people will have to find new jobs and/or relocate by the end of 2010 when they are projecting we lose our jobs.

Needless to say, that was much more than I imagined. Life had finally given off the appearance of having some believable course, I would be able to have a stable job if I wanted it. Something I was truly good at and enjoyed. Apparently that was not in the cards.

Now I'm trying to figure out the next step. Obviously God has bigger plans for my life than having me just sit and work at Kable until my hands stop working and my eyes go out.

The search begins again. I have a feeling it will probably result in a move within the next year or so. The concept terrifies me, but something's gotta change. I need to be able to take care of myself and feel like a viable adult.

I've decided to start looking into library science programs. I don't know what all else I will look at, but I want to find a job that I will actually enjoy. If I do library science, I could probably find a library with a great children's section and maybe do work with children's reading programs. Maybe I'll start writing children's books. Wouldn't that be hilarious? Enjoyable though. :)

Alright, I'm out.

I am afraid.

"Our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world."

-Marianne Williamson

Read the quote again.

Alright, now we can start.

I am afraid.

Marianne Williamson had an excellent point. That quote is one of my favorites. It's one my facebook profile, it's written on several notebooks I own so far, and I'm sure it will be on many more. The problem is, I don't live by those words.

Or rather, maybe I do, but not in the sense that I should. I am afraid.

God created each of us to be something unique and beautiful. We were to serve God and others using the wonderful gifts he has given us.

Why aren't we using them?

Let's stop generalizing. I like to use the word "we" and talk about our collective issues and problems, but in this case, let me break it down and bring it back to what I'm really trying to say: I.

I am having a problem. I want to live my life with all that I have, and I don't want to play small because like Marianne said so beautifully, it doesn't serve the world. I have often heard it said that the first step to conquering a problem is admitting you have one, so here I am. I am writing these words to you to let you know that I have a problem and it all comes down to these 3 words:

I am afraid.

I am afraid of failing in my attempts to use my talents. I am afraid that I will fall flat on my face. I am afraid people will look at my work, which is a mirror into my heart and my soul, and they will laugh at it or tell me that these gifts I have been given are not adequate, that I am not enough. I am afraid of the rejection. I am afraid to put my heart on the line or to risk changing aspects of my life because I have found a comfortable, sane, safe, average routine.

But mostly...I am afraid of me. What if I fail and it embarrasses the people I love most? What if the things I have to say shock people and they no longer want to care for me or it causes them to see me differently and they don't appreciate that?

Are you noticing a pattern? I am. A lot of "what if"s and a lot of fear of rejection.

That's why I'm trying to get this out in the open right now. Here. Today. I am afraid. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it, and that's okay. What's important is the fact that I need to take my talents, all those little things (and the big ones too) that God has given to me and I need to do all that I can with them.

I will write.

I will encourage.

I will speak up.

I will counsel.

And most importantly, I will show love in the little things. Every day I will work to show love.

Yes, I will fail, and hurt myself and screw up horribly and embarrass people from time to time (or frequently for all I know), but I will be moving forward. I will be trying to grow, and I will be trying to live the life God intended for me.

I will shine.

And that's what is truly important.

I hope you do the same.

Inspire

I love this. I really do. It makes me feel inspired. I realize that probably sounds silly or maybe stupid, but it's true. Maybe it's the song, which I love, or maybe it's just because everyone needs to see things that make them feel brave, makes them believe they could be more. For reasons I don't fully understand, this makes me feel like that. Enjoy.

Inspire someone.

Someday You'll Ask For Me By Name

Favorite things of this moment (10:15 am CST):

• Dan in Real Life
• Cooler weather
• The world's softest pink yarn
• Men who have the all the words
• Coffee with vanilla soy milk, cinnamon, and sugar in it...mmm...
• That I'm not the only one who can't bowl
• Getting advice from a friend about how you shouldn't pop your toes when you just had surgery on your leg
• Bad dancing
• Finishing a book
• 2008 summer Olympics

Dan Burns: What don't I understand, Cara? Please, help me out. What is it? Is it frustrating that you can't be with this person? That there's something keeping you apart? That there's something about this person that you can connect with? And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart, and you know that if you could just be together, that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself?

That's what I want. Feeling that miserable would not be an all bad thing. If it meant I'd really found something I needed.

I realize this isn't what I should focus on. My life is silly enough. Love will show up in its own way and time eventually, but when you are watching something and suddenly the ache overwhelms you...what do you do? Or you're reading simple notes from someone, and even though they have no intention of grabbing your heart, it seems like they're pulling it out of you with a magnet? Or the one person you feel most comfortable spending time with regularly is a guy that you have trouble qualifying in your life? You know he's just a friend, and that's probably all he'll ever be, but sometimes you ache when you're with him because, at least with him, you're purely you and you don't have to cover for yourself.

When do you think you should tell someone how you feel? As a girl where should the lines be? Am I supposed to tell someone I think there's potential between us? Or am I supposed to allow them that freedom?

How do you know?

And is love something that I will find? Or is it just a dream that I've been caring around unnecessarily for all these year?

I doubt it. I don't think God places dreams this deep in your heart without any intention of helping you find the fulfillment of them.

Sooner or later, I'll get my answers. They're worth the wait.

Why Being One of the Guys is Not Always a Good Thing

Favorite things of this very moment (1:50 pm CST):

• Hearing "A Little Less Conversation" sung by Elvis blaring over the loudspeakers in a Chinese stadium
• Ice tea (I don't think I can mention this enough)
• Fresh pineapple
• Knowing I get to see Jenna in just a couple of hours
• Seeing Paxton at church this morning
• Watching all the little ones dance through the service today
• The tall one (he makes me happy)
• That Ben is loving the Twilight series (oh yes, another convert to my convoluted, beloved obsession)
• Pink handled scissors
• Hearing Mom say, "The man is the head of the household," and Joel responding with, "But the woman is the neck and she can turn the head whichever way she wants it."
• Perfect golden, beautiful sunshine highlighting the green and gorgeous trees and the wonderful cool weather

Jay and I went to Rockford this evening to visit Jenna. Met up at Starbucks, and after collecting a few humorous books, we sat down in the "cafe" and enjoyed our time.

The conversations that I have on these kind of visits are my favorite. Jay was a great addition to the mini-group. It was beautiful. So much awkward, so many topics, so many bad accents, so much shared humor, ridiculous insults, strange comments, and laughter. It needs to happen more often. Truly.

The question that most sticks in my mind was when Jay asked why it's so bad to be one of the guys. We had established that I am not a "normal" girl. That I am better capable to deal with and understand guys than girls in a lot of ways. They just make me feel more understood and comfortable. Jay didn't understand how it could be a pain for me to be one of the boys.

Let me explain. It's not that I don't enjoy being one of the guys. In a lot of ways it's great. I enjoy being able to spend huge amounts of time with large quantities of testosterone. I feel at ease there and I can hold my own. I make great friends who are loyal, protective, and wonderful this way. The problem is that you don't ever get to be anything more.

I am the girl every guy wants around. They "need" me. But they don't really. I'm a substitute person when they aren't in relationships, I am the best friend.

The problem is...I still haven't found anyone who really wants me. Who really needs me. Who sees me as a women, not just a best friend. That's why being one of the guys isn't the best. It's great, but until I find a guy who can see me for all that I am...it won't be completely awesome.

Someday. Maybe someday soon...

Well, I'll keep dreaming.

Challenge

Favorite things of this very moment (10:44 am CST):

• Magic (not the card game)
• Cinnamon rolls
• Perfect weather (sunshine, cool breeze, lovely lovely temp)
• Night & Day mixes from Jay Laurent (the man is a genius, I adore him)
• Ice tea
• The Wednesday Letters

Nikky asked a question yesterday. She asked, "What do we do with passion?" The passion instilled in our being by God. God is passionate for us, and we, as His creation have a great deal of passion of our own. Not necessarily for the same things, but still passion none the less.

It's passion, I believe, that creates. I use my passion to create poetry, short stories, letters, etc. Jay uses his passion to create his music. Nikky uses her passion to create beautiful artwork and writings.

But these things are not all our passion is used for. I know that a portion of my passion is in wait. But there is a key to unlocking that, and I do not possess that key. Someday I'll get to use that. Until then...REPRESSED. err...

There is also the passion to live. This is the one that takes the most practice unfortunately. I don't think it's supposed to take a lot of practice. I think living with passion should be our natural response to life, but, I think, overtime, we've had the joy and ability all but sucked out of us. So we must intend to live with passion. We must strive for it. We must search out and find the joy in life and be willing to patiently listen for the nudge, the still small voice, and/or learn to decipher the messages God sends us through the lives of people around us and the world He has so perfectly created.

The choice is, in a lot of ways, the same as the choice to love. Love is a verb. It is action. It is motion and finding ways every day to show the people around us love. The choice to live with passion is very much wrapped into the choice to love. When we choose to live lives of love (so many l's) daily we are also choosing to live passionately. Our love for God seeps through when we show love to one another. Choosing to let someone have their needs met first...

Just my thoughts anyway...

So...I will echo Nikky's question and challenge you (and myself): What do we do with it?

Courageous One

Favorite things of this very moment (11:11 pm CST, make a wish):

• 
  


• Having successfully completed the lastest of the many mixes I make (oh yeah, try saying that 3 times fast)
• The brilliance of Nikky's YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=pseudoindiequeen (check it out! Immediately, now!)
• Knowing I actually have plans to see Heather tomorrow
• Wearing long sleeves in July and surviving without heat stroke
• Chai tea
• Tyler Hilton. Period.

I wish I had something brilliant and witty to say this evening, but all I really have to say is that even those of us that are shy and lost can still find courage within us. I was recently told by 3 people whose advice, opinion, and love mean more to me than almost anything in the world that I was brave. Considering I've spent most of my growing up feeling a bit like the Cowardly Lion, it came as a bit of a shock, but it meant so much.

What it comes down to is the fact that having someone call you "courageous one" can actually help you believe that maybe, just maybe, you are brave. Or, at least, much braver than you initially believed.

I may not be the bravest, but I know that I'm believed in. And I know that someday someone will ask for me by name.

Beautiful

Favorite things of this very moment (4:32 pm CST):

• The above and terribly beautiful picture of John Mayer. The man is just insanely good looking, and that picture is...lovely.
• A big glass of sun tea with 5 ice cubes in it (now, if only they were heart-shaped)
• Convincing Jay to wear a snowman print tie at church today with his green long-sleeved shirt (lots of people wore odd-print ties today for Bob Jones...it was a going away thing)
• Lei's, preferably beautiful blue & white flowered ones
• Perfecting a new mix for your best friend
• The look on Jay's face when I handed him New Moon this morning. Priceless.
• Getting the details worked out for the trip to FUEL
• Knowing there will be a check for money towards my FUEL tuition at the church the next time I stop in while running errands
• Seeing Alicia & Brit yesterday
• Sleeping right through the night because I was so tired after being up till almost 2am this morning on the porch talking to Ben
• Mascara & eyeliner (a life-saver, and they actually prove that I have eyes...weird)
• Knowing there's exactly one week till I'll see Nikky, Jenny, Josh, Kyle, Graysen, Hope, JJ, Kimmieboo, and so many other people that I love and miss terribly, and that I'll get to be with them for a whole week
• My Mom's delicious desserts
• Having Jay come and sit with Dan, Rachel and I today for the sermon...finally...sheesh
• The completely lack of humidity today
• A perfect summer breeze
• That I am wearing two layers today and completely comfortable (could it be this temperature all summer long?)

Life is a beautiful thing.

This morning when I got to church, I was informed that Jay and I were singing a duet on the verse of "Our God is an Awesome God." I've been singing that song for years with the verse, but we've never sung it with the congregation. On top of which, I've never sung a duet with Jay in all the years I've known him, and it meant I had to actually sing fairly high. Scared the bejeebers out of me, but I can honestly say, I enjoyed it. We sounded good, and I was told that Jay and I should be singing together more often. Bonus. :)

What I really loved was that I stepped up to the challenge and nailed it. Excellent.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just kind of passing through life, but mornings, well days actually, like this one prove to me that I am alive. I stepped up and faced a fear (silly, I know, but still, there was more adrenaline flowing in my veins today than you can understand, especially when it wasn't something bad or really scary), I actually held a successful and short meeting, talked to Gail about my tuition money for FUEL, convinced Jay to wear that ridiculous tie (for Bob!), wore a lei throughout all of church (yes, even while singing), taught Sunday school and actually felt good about how the class went, and spent my afternoon talking to adults. Isn't that lovely?

All I can say is that today, I am alive. This week, I am alive. I am trying to make some changes, to finally step up to the plate, to take some responsibility.

I am proud of myself for doing the following this week:

• Signing up for classes at Sauk, and figuring out my goal to complete my associates
• Writing a decent short story for the first time in several years
• Having an open, honest, loving discussion about our relationship with Jay, and discussing the way our friendship has evolved into an incredibly close friendship. He's one of my best friends, and I'm one of his. This is lovely.
• Being up front with Gail and talking to her about money for FUEL, and getting that taken care of
• Taking the initiative to call PT and then get ahold of everyone and have a meeting and figure out what we need to do to get to FUEL
• Singing the duet with Jay even though I was scared
• Working a little overtime on Saturday because I needed the money and I wanted to step up a bit

Like I said, life is a beautiful thing. Just like John Mayer. I am well pleased. You have a beautiful day!

Give & Take

Least favorite things of this very moment (11:35 am CST):

• That facebook isn't working properly this morning
• The uncertainty of how I'll be getting to FUEL
• Not knowing if the church is actually going to pay for part of my trip to FUEL...*sigh*
• Worrying that maybe, just maybe, this will be a trip I can't make work this year

Alright, enough of that garbage.

Life isn't really bad. I've had a defining and all-around good week. Jay and I have been incredibly honest with one another, and I know feel completely at home in the relationship we've created. He's one of my very best friends, and he doesn't need to be anything more. I am okay with that.

I'm looking forward to FUEL next week, but I'm terrified of the amount of money that will be necessary to travel to get there. This is why a girl my age should have a working budget or a very, very, very lucrative career. Pathetically, I have neither, which is why weeks like this make me disgustingly nervous. On top of which, you've got the whole pride issue. I've got lots of that, apparently, but only in areas where it's completely unhelpful. You know, like monetary issues.

Jaymin's newest goals for life:

• Create a budget
• Stick to budget
• Pay Dad back to the full for all previously concocted debts due to car accidents
• Be a wee bit less cynical

Life has to work out. This is the second half of 2008. Therefore, it has to get better. This week has been excellent. Let's keep moving on in the vein, shall we.

Favorite things of this very moment (11:46 am CST):

• My digital camera
• Brandon Clark's fabulous cd
• The cool weather we've had all week
• Black Wind by Clive Cussler

Let's see what happens. It will keep getting better.

The Magic of Front Porches

Sitting curled up on the corner of her bed was her favorite way to contemplate. She sat with her back to her window letting its light pour onto her open notebook listening to the combination of the music playing on her cd player and the gentle tapping of the rain.
There was an edge in her feelings today. She couldn’t decipher it completely . It was a combination of the fear of rejection and the hope that this boy was different.
Jamie was everything she’d ever hoped for. His beliefs and morals were stronger than she’d ever seen. She respected him for his kindness, strength, brilliance, and a musical talent that seemed to flow from deep inside his soul. She loved nothing better than sitting with him while he played his guitar.
The night before had been their best yet. He’d come to the house for a cook-out, and late in the evening, as they sat on her porch talking with friends, she’d asked him to tune her guitar. That went better than she ever could have possibly imagined. He’d smiled as he tuned the guitar, but instead of returning it, leaned back into the wall of the porch and started strumming. She relaxed into the chair next to his perch and closed her eyes. There was a magic in the music he created. The casual grace of his beautiful hands finding words he would never speak. It became indescribably beautiful to her.
She would, every few minutes, look up into Jamie’s liquid green eyes while he played. The joy of just being and creating something beautiful was plain on his face. He was lit up from the inside out while he played, more beautiful than the sunrise.
But what she really wondered, as she sat curled on the bed was, did he know? Was the joy she felt in his presence visible to him? They’re friends all knew. Claire felt like her heart was as far out on her sleeve as it could get. She shamelessly plugged his music and ability to everyone she knew because she felt he really didn’t see himself for all the talent he really possessed. What a true thing of beauty, she thought to herself and smiled.
Claire still had no idea if he knew. Even if he did, would he say anything. She thought he would if he cared, but she was more concerned that he’d play the gentleman and pretend he didn’t know. No, no, she berated the thought, he doesn’t know, or he’s too shy to say anything. He’s healing from Her.
She shook her head. How long does it take a heart to heal? His beautiful heart had been broken by a girl Claire never felt really deserved him. She didn’t understand how they had stayed together. Jeanette. She cringed as she thought the name.
Her mind flashed back to the last time she saw them together. Jamie had been holding Jeanette’s hand as he talked to Claire about books he’d been reading. Claire had listened to every word absorbed by how much he wanted to tell her, but eventually she’d noticed the sullen expression on Jeanette’s face. She never felt comfortable with Jeanette. Jeanette, she was sure, could see through her feeble attempt to disguise her feelings, but today, Jeanette didn’t just seem annoyed with her, but with the fact Jamie wanted to speak to her at all.
It was less than 24 hours before Claire had a distraught Jamie calling her. The irony was how upset he seemed to be giving her bad news. She’d melted when he’d apologized and quickly convinced him that he never could or would be a burden to her. That’s what friends were for, to care for each other.
There had rarely been a day since then that they had gone without talking. It had been a month and a half since his heart had been cut open, but he seemed to be healing quickly under her care. She just kept praying it would become so much more.
Claire’s lips parted into a wide grin remembering one of the last things she’d said to him before he left the night before.
“Jamie, why doesn’t this happen every night,” she asked waving at him and the guitar.
His response didn’t come in any words, but instead in the form of the most gorgeous grin she’d ever seen, and it was directed at no one but her. I could make you happy. So very happy. Claire wanted to say so many thing, but her heart stopped for a moment as he kissed her lightly on the cheek as he handed her back her guitar and said good night. As she watched his tail lights disappear, she couldn’t help but wonder what would happen next.
Now, as she sat on her bed, she stared at the blank pages of her journal wishing she had the words to describe the depths of her feelings. Then the phone rang.
It was Jamie.
She took a deep breath, smiled, and opened the phone. She barely had time to say hello before he spoke, “Hey, I was wondering if that front porch would be willing to have me back tonight? I think the audience is my best yet. I could get use to it…”

As Nikky Once Said, "Life Moves."

Favorite things of this very moment (2:23 pm CST):

• Hope that things might just be working out
• Having the obvious pointed out to me when I'm way too blind to see it
• That the tall one is not only reading Twilight but also enjoying it and (as the man of any girl's dreams would do) taking notes...oh yeah...
• Smiling more than I ever dreamed possible
• Sun tea in a gleaming teal & silver thermos
• Rechargeable batteries
• Knowing that when I check my email...he'll have emailed me back
• New questions to answer
• Good dreams (he's been in all of them this week...every last one)
• "Hercules" (Sometimes Disney really does make wonderful movies)
• Finding inspiration to write after two years of aching emptiness and complete and total writer's block
• Being told he's still working on another mix for me (Sweetest Mix Ever 3!)
• Sidewalk chalk
• My beautiful digital camera
• Blueberry scented bubbles
• Knowing I've almost perfect this next mix and the story behind it should be as beautiful and transparent as is possible...
• That he's coming on Friday...*sigh*

*shrugs* Right now the smile on my face is the size of Texas. I decided to check my email again before I started getting things ready to go to work, even though I didn't think it would do me any good, and there, gloriously enough, I already had an email back from my tall handsome friend. He is something magical. Truly magical.

I'm terrified of the hope that seems to be unstoppable and overflowing through my system. Could I finally have life moving in my favor?

Nikky and I decided that, as of yesterday, the year must only get better. The first 6 months of 2008 have been one nightmare after another. So many friends have died, so many people have been hurt, so many people have walked away, so many near death experiences have happened, and so much pain has blanketed life. All in 6 months.

We've entered the second half of 2008, and in this half only good things are allowed to show themselves.

Life is definitely moving. Quickly.

I called Sauk today. I go in to sign up for classes next Monday morning. I know they'll be confused as to why I didn't sign up for classes on my own online, but I really hate doing that. I like talking to people who train to help people who are just trying to figure things out tolerably, like myself, set up their schedules. One less thing to worry about. Perfect.

Maybe I'm not as ridiculous or as big a failure as I originally thought.

Apparently I'm fairly interesting too. I don't know what it is exactly, but I've managed to hook the attention of one of my absolute favorite people. I enjoy having questions to answer. I enjoy being able to say how wonderful he is on a regular basis. What I love most though is the fact that he's constantly talking back. I'm not having a one sided conversation with a wall. Instead, I've found a guy I can have deep discussions with and I'm feeling less ridiculous and self-conscious about it. On top of which, he is genuine and honest and insists that's what he wants from me. Without realizing what he's doing, he's slowly pulling down some of the walls I've maintained for years. He's letting me out...heh. I hope he's ready.

Like I said, the hope is a little scary. It's a struggle to accept the possibility that I may not be in this alone anymore. Perhaps...just perhaps...he actually is looking for me too.

Smile. The second half of this year has to get better. It already has.

The Fickle Hell-Beast

Favorite things of this very moment:

• Borders
• Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
• Jane Austen books (and the movies made from)
• Eyeliner
• New shampoo & conditioner
• Edward Cullen (and all pictures thereof)
• Jacob Black
• New books
• When Jay and I trade books
• "An Obscure Permanence" by Metasomatic

Recently Forrest was talking and he called something, I honestly don't remember what it was, a "fickle hell-beast." That...totally cracked me up. That term...it's brilliant. The question that when through my head then was: relationships.

What's more ridiculous and tormenting that dealing with the opposite sex? Seriously. Just think about it. Is there anything more tormenting (short of actual physical pain and suffering) than the struggles dealt with by those in love (or trying to head in that general direction)? I can't think of any. I think heartbreak is where the whole fickle hell-beast thing really shows it's true colors.

As my momma likes to say, "Love isn't just blind...it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid." We walk right into the open jaws of that monster, and many times we walk there willingly. What fools we mortals truly are...

Just a point to ponder.

Tormented

Favorite things of this very moment (10:17 am CST):

• New poetry to read from friends
• Sunshine
• New Moon by Stephanie Meyers
• Knowing I have one solid job and a paycheck coming tomorrow
• My cell phone
• Comfy pj's

I got back from Heather's on Monday night and just sat on the front porch for a long time staring up at the moon. Somehow my world felt like it was crashing again. I wish I could say that was unusual, but my brain and heart like to have violent reactions one a regular basis, apparently Monday night was no exception.

I had spent most of my afternoon on Monday rereading Twilight while listening to Metasomatic's cd. I was already on edge. I spent 4 hours at work zoning out and trying to understand all that had happened over the course of the last week. I just couldn't get my mind around it, and then I go to Heather's and watch "27 Dresses" (which was cute, cheesy, and incredibly predictable) which somehow just seemed to remind me that I've allowed my life to really slide right off track. Too much focusing on all the wrong things. It was virtually the tipping point.

So...we're back where we started, my front porch. I spent quite awhile just trying to frame my state of mind. God and I had another one of our long heart to hearts where I try to put my feelings into some kind of coherent mess of words. I'm glad He knows what I mean.

It's just very frustrating. You spend so much time with someone and they give you all these wonderful feelings and little cues that make you think that maybe, just maybe, this time it will be different. That you're not so crazy after all and maybe, just maybe, they might actually care for you.

But the truth is...I just don't know.

And I guess it's that uncertainty which is going to pull me right back into curling up and reading books for most of today and pretending that I understand anything at all about life or love or anything. Maybe I'll hear my answer if I listen hard enough...or at least get myself out of the way so that God actually has a chance to speak to me. Let's hope.

Nothing Better

Favorite things of this very moment (12:01 pm CST):

• The above picture of Edward Cullen...*sighs*
• That Nikky is going to here TOMORROW
• Making boxes of bizarritey for people
• Fans
• Honest emails
• That a tree branch still hasn't landed on my car despite the many times and opportunities for that very event to happen recently during the crazy storms
• UHF and other completely ridiculous movies...

I've spent the past hour looking for pictures of Edward Cullen. I've managed to keep from reading most of the stuff about Twilight so far. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to go before I completely freak out. That movie should already be out in theaters. I so badly want to see it. So badly.

Nikky will be here tomorrow. This is good. Very good. Plus that means someone will be around who actually understands my deep and undying love of all things Twilight related. Oh yeah...it's going to be great. There will be bubble blowing, Twilight discussions, side walk chalk art, bad dancing, and so much more. It will be a totally amazing worthwhile experience.

Sadly...I have absolutely nothing valuable to say, so I'll leave you with this last bit of wisdom:

Baby Fish Mouth!

Prequel to Summer

Favorite things of this very moment (3:18 pm CST):

• Contacts
• Eye liner/mascara
• Sun tea
• Books that make me think (ex: The Princess by Lori Wick)
• The "Heartbreaker" cd by Ryan Adams
• Boxes of bizzarity
• Tall attractive men calling me in the middle of the night to make sure I know I am not forgotten and to be a wonderful listener
• Paxton Laurent...that little one is my favorite
• Having a due day (Jan. 30) to look forward to for my newest little niece/nephew (SWEETNESS!)
• Blueberry scented bubbles
• Bookshelves of books I still get to read
• Kayla & Terrence's engagement

I have decided that this summer is not allowed to disappoint me. I refuse to be let down again. Yes, there will be times where I want to cry and scream and throw things (and I will throw things, it's just what I do), but over all, I refuse to believe that this summer could be anything less than extraordinary.

First, there's a baby blanket to make. A green one. Josh and Jenny are having their first little one. It's due on Jan. 30! Woohoo! I get to be an aunt, and I am excited. I'll be spoiling this little one. Oh yeah.

Second, Kayla and Terrence are now engaged. They got engaged last week at a Cubs game (the cubs won...party. Bonus). I am thrilled. Terrence is definitely the right man for her, and I know I won't have to worry about him taking care of her or her taking care of him. They're going to be happy, and life will be wonderful.

My summer is going to be full of bubble blowing (which is my plan for my evening), front porch talks, learning some guitar, ice tea, great books (I'll be re-reading the Twilight series very soon), lovely evening walks, star gazing, sidewalk chalk, visits from Nikky, FUEL, much talking to tall wonderful men (err...man), flowers, bad dancing, singing loudly, and general good times.

Oh yes, it will be a good summer.

Twenty-Two

Favorite things of this very moment (3:29 pm CST):

• Multiple emails from Jay
• Getting birthday wishes
• Being able to use my sunglasses
• Being able to see more than 10 ft
• Coffee with vanilla soy milk, sugar, and cinnamon in it
• John Mayer (in all his various forms)
• Talking to Nikky and having her help me decide on which kind of Milano cookies would work best for my pie-ish-thing recipe
• Justin Masterman putting together a benefit concert for the Callaways (he is a wonder)
• New music
• Sweet/Sappy birthday cards
• Knowing Josh, Jen, Kyle, Angie, and Nathan will be here tomorrow night
• Creating bracelets out of pieces of yarn that are so pretty I can't find a reason to throw them away
• Contacts
• Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austin (in all it's print and media and take-off forms)
• Collin Firth
• Graph paper notebooks
• The "Twilight" movie trailer (http://www.imdb.com/video/trailer/vi2380464409/)

Today I am 22 years old. I do not feel 22. I feel about 13. I'm still awkward, I'm still socially inept, I'm still single, and I'm still living with my parents.

Perhaps I'm the female version of Wayne Campbell. It's too bad Nikky and I don't live next door to each other, we'd make a great Wayne & Garth pair. (Well, we do anyway, but having the entire state of Indiana between us makes it a little hard to function normally.)

Birthdays are a fickle thing. I like birthdays is some ways. I enjoy being surprised by people's thoughtfulness. I love cake (or pie or whatever substitute we use and stick candles in). I enjoy the well-wishes and the emails and the notes, but they still lack something.

I'm not good with the attention. I don't know what it is, maybe I feel I don't deserve it, or maybe I'm trying hard not to care about it because they never seem that special to me. I've had to share my birthday with a great deal of traveling, weddings, and tragedy over the past several years, not to mention having one of my best friends repeatedly forget my birthday and then always try to buy me off with some gift.

I just wish there was a nice balance. I don't like being fussed over, but I do like feeling special. I don't need anything extravagant, but it is nice to be remembered.

I guess in a lot of ways the attention I've always received on my birthday always seemed kind of fake, and fake is not something I'm real thrilled with.

Meh.

I feel guilty for even caring it's my birthday this year. I've got several close friends dealing with funerals for close family members this week, and one of my best friends is trying to recover from a broken heart. What is a birthday in comparison to their tragedies?

Again, I say unto you, meh.

And so, I appreciate that kindness of my friends, the gifts, the cards, the notes, and just how generally sweet everyone is. It means a lot, even if I sound like a grouch today. I'm not really, I've been having good things happen and indulging myself a little. Bought myself a little John Mayer Trio and got my eyes checked so I can use my contacts again. Sometimes I forget that I really do have lovely eyes. Muahaha.

Now, if only I could receive the magical powers to play match maker and to heal broken hearts for my birthday. Wouldn't that be lovely? Best birthday gifts ever if I could make everyone around me happy. I think that would make me happy too.

Maybe somewhere, deep down, I am growing up. I guess this is just the beginning of another year for me and we'll have to wait and see...

Good night.

The Fear of Committment

Favorite things of this very moment (9:18 pm CST):

• Agnes & The Hitman by Jennifer Cruise and Bob Mayer (READ IT!)
• Carson's amazing ability to be just where I need him at the right time (you don't often get that anymore)
• That I'll have Landin's baby blanket done by Saturday (which means he should get it inside of a week!)
• Southern accents
• Ben trying to talk me into reading the Harry Potter series this summer, congratulating me on finally figuring out what I want to major in, dispensing advice as lovingly and sarcastically as always, being genuinely concerned with everything in my life, and generally just being that wonderful friend I'm so glad that I still have despite everything that potentially could have scared him off and/or driven him away
• Getting to talk to Nikky on the phone
• Knowing my Business final is my last one, that it's multiple choice, and that I'll be free when it's done tomorrow (YES!!!)
• Oh yes, and agreeing, for Ben, to read the Harry Potter series (finally) because he wants me to read them so he can talk to someone about them (someone, as he says, "that reads as much as I do")

My finals for this semester are done tomorrow. Yes!

The problem is...that's when real life begins. No, I'm not graduating from college (as if that will ever happen at the rate I'm going), but this does mark yet another step in making decisions. I hate making decisions.

I read an interesting quote the other night that said (and I'm really paraphrasing here) that one you commit it gives you the freedom to stop worrying about the decision and just enjoy where you are and what you've committed to whether it's a relationships, job, or just some random life choice in general. It sets you on a path and gives you the push to direct your life and set things in motion. That is what I need. Commitment.

It's ironic to me that the thing that I've accused so many men in my life for having is one thing I struggle with all the time, but never really considered: the fear of commitment.

Let me be honest, I am terrified of committing to something because if I commit to a major or going to a certain school or moving to a certain place...well, it means a great deal of change, and what if I don't like it? What if the decision turns out to be a bad one that makes me unhappy or that distracts me from whatever I should be doing with my life (like I know what that is)?

I need to suck it up and take it like a man (well, woman in my case)! And I need to commit. To something. To finishing a book. To choosing a major. To going to school. To getting a job. Anything and everything. To growing up. And to being more optimistic.

Life is going to change whether I want it to or not.

Pick a Card

Favorite things of this very moment:

• The above picture. It makes me laugh constantly and I really don't know why. Probably the absolute absurdity of the kids face...good grief
• Mat Kearney
• Sweet Valley brands Orange Soda
• Colored pencils (hey, I love coloring too)
• Graph paper notebooks
• Visual bookshelf of Facebook (still my favorite application EVER)
• Removing people from my friends lists after we've come to a point where we: a) never talk, b) aren't particularly fond of each other, and c) the very mention of their name riles me up...
• Telling people what they need to hear, even if it's hard (I'm actually proud of myself for not chickening out)
• Knowing that within 8 days I'll be done with yet another year of college...thank goodness
• Accents (particularly southern or the kind of western, farm country accent)

So...

I've been running into lots of memories that make me think of Sarah. I realized that the only bad part about FUEL this year will be that she is not by my side. I've gotten use to that being a week we spend a crazy amount of time together, and I've been so proud to introduce my little sister to my friends and get to actually spend quality time getting to know her. She never ceased to amaze me with her generosity, silliness, and absolute zest for life and people. I only hope that when I die I will be remembered with the love and laughter she will be remembered for.

The odd thing is that in the wake of her death I suddenly realized a couple of things about myself. Things that were completely obvious to people around me (I'm sure):

1. That I have completely lost track of myself
2. That I do not believe in myself at all
3. That I have let myself go (*sigh* uuuugh)
4. That I have no life goals and/or ambitions to drive at

What is the deal? I can pinpoint when everything fell apart for me: Jacob Zuniga's death.

What drives me crazy is that I know this is not what my life should be. He would not want me to be like this, and I certainly do not want to remain like this. I just am so uncertain in everything that it is ridiculous.

I've given myself a time-period finally. A clock of sorts. I have decided that I must know what I will do this next year by the end of May. I have to have a plan picked out, decided on, and set in motion by May 31st because if I don't start moving forward like I constantly pretend I am than I am going to be living in my bedroom at my parents house for the rest of my life. I love my folks and they love me, but this situation is unhealthy to continue in without having a plan to eventually (hopefully sooner) get myself out into the real world (ish) being a competent adult.

Goals. That's what I need. I need something to strive for. And my mom is probably right...I need someone or something to take care of. I currently am doing a fabulous job of wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing, self-depreciation and a lot of other selfish (ha!) and pointless areas.

Change is possible, isn't it?

Breath In & Breath Out

Favorite things of this very moment (4:08 pm CST):

• Sun tea in the (new) fabulous Dasani water bottle (sadly, it is also a recycle #1...argh!)
• Water proofing
• Having time to change out of soaked through clothes before I had to come to work
• Rain
• "Ugly Flower for a Beautiful Friend" mix (Gratzi Nikky!)
• Chocolate, REAL cherries, coconut
• Being completely done with my Access database project (and I was even done early and became the guru for those people who were struggling to finish...what gives)
• David's willingness to leave his laptop with me so that I could finish my project (even though that actually didn't work out)
• Edna St. Vincent Millay's beautiful poetry
• Dave Eggers in any form (such a witty man and a brilliant writer)
• The Tick vs. Season 2
• Knowing that there is a stack of wonderful books waiting for me at home
• Soft Kleenexes
• Giving myself a bit of a break after completing the first of several final projects due over the course of the next 2 weeks
• The knowledge that the end of the semester is actually in sight
• Sidewalk chalk
• The memory of Hulk Hogan the Peep ("His nipples weren't right...")

Today is one of those days were I feel accomplished even though I know that there's still so much left to do. I've decided that Access is a cruel program, but I am now capable of handling it if necessary, so I guess it's alright.

The downside is that the Access project was one of 3 major projects I am currently working on, but at least it is now out of the way and I have till Tuesday to work on my Small Business Plan and to get a rough draft of my American Lit 2 papers... I will prevail!

Last night at Youth Group, Gail decided, in light of last weeks tragedy in Sarah's death, that we should talk to the kids about salvation. Terrence and I both told her we thought it was a good idea. Several of the kids are actually very interested in getting baptized, apparently they just weren't sure what else was involved or how to voice that to anyone. I am excited. By the end of this summer, we may have 3 more little siblings in Christ. Sometimes those warm spring evenings when you convince everyone they should sit outside to further enjoy the moment...those times really surprise you and God works in really amazing ways.

We talked about how believing in God and that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins in the first step in becoming a believer (or however you want to say that). If we choose to wholeheartedly follow Christ's example and believe in God's plan...we will be saved. Terrence made a good point last night, he said that once you start, as long as you keep moving forward, the rest of it will start to fall in place. We did make it very clear to the kids that no one is ever going to be perfect and that everyone messes up, but that the beauty of it is, if we get up, repent, and truly try to continue to grow and change, we will be forgiven because God is love. It is a beautiful thing.

The amazing thing is that this entire lesson that was for our kids...it touched my heart too. Sometimes I worry that I've become a bit too calloused for my own good (in fact I know I am at times), but it still touched my heart. Sometimes I try to take too much advantage of God's love for me. Instead of trying to make God happy, I make myself "happy" realizing that I am screwing up, and then the remorse and repentance that I later profess...sometimes they aren't as real as they should be. I am so glad that God is gracious and forgiving and so completely patient with me because I so often find myself still screwing the same things up.

Let me just be honest for a moment...

These are my most struggled with sins (the ones that I find myself stuck in right now):

• Eating too much and/or what's bad for me
• Gossiping when I should be building others up
• A thought life I am always proud of (this covers so many things...*sigh*)
• Trusting more in my own provision than in God's strength (and this causes me to fail more than anything else)

It's time to get back down on my knees and start praying for the strength and grace to change.

And I will leave you with the following:

"My first business is to so live that at least a few will thank
God that I lived when my little day is done."

-Alfred A. Montapert

I Still Believe

Favorite things about today (as of 3:35 pm CST):

• That Nikky is sleeping on my couch (which is good because otherwise she'd be listening to me trying to sing along with all the songs on my Sarah mix and my voice is so scratchy right now it's a bad idea...haha)
• Knowing Kayla will be here in less than an hour
• Ice cream maker balls
• That the visitation and funeral are over and that there are no more formal grieving functions I need to attend and perform
• Seeing my email full of loving notes and comments and my facebook wall covered with encouragement
• The Sarah (147:3) mix
• Pasta salad
• Getting huge hugs from Johnny (he's so huge and I just haven't seen him in sooo long)
• "I love you"
• Purses big enough to smuggle LOADS of Kleenex and a huge water bottle in
• David doing all the driving
• Hugs from: Mom, Jenni, Tim, Jimbo, Johnny, Lil, Carson, Kayla, David, Joel, Daddy, Christine, Bev, Liz, Gail, Heather, and so many others...
• Today is Friday
• Seeing Tim carrying drumsticks
• Hearing Jay and Tim play "Did you feel the mountains tremble?"
• Singing through the tears
• "Homecoming" by Kanye West feat. Chris Martin

It will get better.

Rough

Again, my blog will be backwards...

Today has been interesting. I woke up this morning with Usher singing in my head because his was one of the last voices I got to hear before I went to bed last night (Nikky makes the best mix cds). Sadly, even though I was hearing Usher's beautiful voice singing words to a song I absolutely love and enjoy dancing badly too (though not nearly as creatively or badly as the people in "Hairspray"...that's just amazing), I was in a lousy mood. I woke up this morning absolutely dreading going to school. For some reason the idea of having to go to Sauk today seemed so much more horrible than Sarah's visitation. How messed up is that? *sigh*

Fortunately, Nikky went with me. I lied to my American Lit professor and told him she was interested in coming to Sauk and the class. It wasn't a complete lie. She was interested in seeing how the class worked, but we also had a Tornado drill today. Fabulous. That was actually interesting because I'd never seen Sauk's basement before.

Wow...the rambling. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I made it. I'm done with class. Nikky survived being at Sauk despite it's horrible decorating and depressing demeanor (although, I am sad she didn't have the pleasure of seeing Mr. Willoughby...he's so beautiful).

Now the real challenge, the one that should have been what I was dreading is looming. In a little less than 2 hours, I will be at the church facing what I've been staving off for 2 days....that my Sarah is dead.

The Sarah who played tackle football and soccer with Eric, David and I in the backyard of the house in Oregon, who fought with Jenni (which, to be perfectly honest, was hilarious to me), who baked everyone at Alfano's their favorite cookies, who made the world's best puppy chow, who knew my secrets and loved me anyway, who called me her big sister, who made me so proud, who was such a hard worker, who loved little kids and adored her neice and nephew, who took care of her big brothers and loved her parents (even if they did fight), who drove too fast, loved others so much, and now...has died all to young.

My Sarah.

Why did this happen?

"I lift my eyes unto the hills/Where does my help come from?/My help comes from the LORD/The maker of heavens and earth/...And I will praise you in this storm/And I will lift my hands/For You are who You are/No matter where I am/And all these tears I cry/You hold in Your hands"

My favorite things of this very moment (3:34pm CST):

• http://http//www.pastemagazine.com/action/article/7085/news/film/princess_bride_video_game_offers_remix_challenge
• Linda stopping in to see if her grandson (*cough*) was still here (the bum...haha) because she was going to ask him for help with something
• Uncle Jon
• Having a water bottle
• My cell phone
• The beautifully decorated box that Nikky brought for me
• Dark chocolate
• Taco Bell
• Sunshine and warm weather (complete with gentle breeze)
• That Nikky is here
• Graph paper
• That I will finally be able to give Eric a hug tonight and give him the little...package I put together for him
• Psalm 147:3, Psalm 121
• Mix cds from Nikky (Kanye, Usher, All-American Rejects, Tyler Hilton, David Bowie...*sigh* joy and rapture)
• Having the windows rolled down
• That time really does ease some pain

I'm out.

Jesus Wept

I'm going to do this a little out of order and put my favorite things at the end this time. I just feel I'd rather end on a good note than begin with one and reverse its effect rather expeditiously.

Kayla called me today thinking it was Monday. As it's Tuesday that would seem silly except for the fact that life has been confusing and run together and eternal for the past 3 days. When you wake up on Sunday morning thinking things are going to be normal and only get to remain thinking that for about 2 hours...it kinda throws everything else off and makes it all go a haywire.

Sarah died. My beautiful little sister. I am brokenhearted. I didn't realize until this morning how completely in shock I had been because I hadn't really cried much since initially finding out on Sunday, but today I've been crying constantly. Everything reminds me of something else which causes me to cry which frustrates me which causes me to cry more which reminds me of something else which...well...you get the picture.

Needless to say...it's been a long day.

I've had numerous messages from friends telling me they're praying for the family and/or me and that I can call day or night. I am so blessed. I have a church family that is completely wonderful who are showing so much love and support for one another right now. I have wonderful friends, many of which are coming to show support for the family at the visitation and/or funeral this week.

The best message I've had all week was one from Kim today. She said that I don't have to be strong all the time. It's okay to cry. After all Jesus wept. That made me smile. It also really made me feel better. I've heard people say "Jesus wept," about a million times but never in this context. Jesus wept when his friend, Lazuras died. Why should it be any different for me? I will cry when I am sad, especially in a situation like this. I'm brokenhearted just as Jesus was. And just as Jesus did, I have hope for the future because someday I will see Sarah again. And I'll get to meet Lazuras. Sweet deal. Alright, I'm not trying to make light of this situation, but I am feeling much more encouraged at this point. Thank goodness for wonderful friends.

And now...my list of favorite things for this very moment (4:33pm CST):

• The Internet
• My cell phone (and the fact that I can turn it on vibrate and still let people get ahold of me)
• Kim's encouraging words
• That Nikky will be here tomorrow (which means more to me than I can ever say)
• Knowing that I'll get to see Sarah someday
• That I'll be done with work soon and I'll get to spend time with Amber tonight
• That I talked to Eric today
• Orbit gum (raspberry mint and peppermint)
• Having a waterbottle with me at all times (especially when I'm currently prone to dehydration)
• Sunshine and warm weather

Mr. Willoughby and Other Items of the Day

Favorite things of this very moment (4:51 pm CST):

• That I will be done with work in 9 minutes
• That I realized Nikky had recently written some brilliance in her blog that I thoroughly enjoyed
• Eldest by Christopher Paolini (it's distracting me for the moment, and so worth it too)
• Peppermint tea
• Jeff calling which seems so...weird...and brilliantly timed...(I think the irony of this is what really was my favorite...not necessarily anything else...heh)
• Getting a package in the mail from Heather today. Woohoo new mixes and some chocolate! We are back in business!
• Mr. Willoughby

As Nikky so brilliantly says, "I am so the opposite of smooth." Ah yes, so am I. So am I. Geez and Ugh. Yes...so am I. Let me explain:

I talked to Mr. Willoughby again today in my Computer class. He sat down next to me because of a project we were all working on that had us moving all the time. When he was done, he looked over and asked if all he had to do was close it out on the computer. And me, being completely incapable of taking talking and processing information because of the glorious beauty of his entire being (that and he has one of those voices that just is smoother than silk and you wish you could listen to him talk for forever because it's so perfect) that all I could manage was something incredibly lame and weak like, "yess..." I don't think I even completely looked at him or smiled. You know, like you should do when you talk to attractive men because they, apparently, find it attractive when you say actual words of some kind in their direction as well as being friendly. Uh. I am such an idiot. And he is so incredibly beautiful. If only I was majoring in photography and could convince him I needed to take a picture of him. *sigh* But I am not creative enough to do this. Kind of like that whole Shane thing, but let's just skip that...

Yep.

Troubled Waters

Favorite things of this very moment (4:11 pm CST):

• Coffee (with a little sugar, a lot of cinnamon, and a little vanilla soy milk)
• Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
• New Moon by Stephanie Meyer
• Dreaming about Edward in an excessively vague and text-esque sense which means I didn't have nightmares or really messed up dreams like I've been having all too often lately that leave me with less sleep than I started out with (well it seems that way)...man those books are great
• Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
• Gummy bears
• Having the ability to stay up to all hours to read, but still have plenty of time to sleep and get much needed work done
• Peppermint tea
• Paying lots of attention to lyrics unlike my close friend and male counterpart, Mr. Laurent

The ache is back. The one that moves back and forth from my heart to the pit of my stomach (well more like just below the bottom of my rib cage where it seems to pulsate and radiate and make everything feel wrong) to my throat and back to my chest again where it feels so intense that I feel like I'll explode.

The Twilight series isn't helping me out in this department, but then again neither is the Jane Austen or Nicholas Sparks or Stardust or the Christian romance novels Grandma sent (duh!) or any of the other books I've read recently and enjoyed.

It will get better. One of these days the hole in my heart will have its missing piece. In the meantime, I need to find something I actually want to do and pursue it to the fullest.

Today, I took an excessively long, very hot shower because I kept slipping between memories and I guess I thought maybe it would wash it away. It didn't. Instead it seemed to just help it along. Reading New Moon in its entirety last night brought back a series of memories. Promises I was once given and had believed so freely. Promises that have never, and will never, be fulfilled...it brought back Jeff. Memories I try to keep buried to avoid days exactly like this.

It made me question my sanity for the 2nd time in two days. The first was brought on by truly seeing myself in Blanche's character in Tennessee Williams' play "A Streetcar Named Desire" which terrified me enough to skip the rest of my classes and go straight to wandering Shopko while talking to Nikky. I think she honestly worried about me having some kind of break down. I wasn't far from believing that as a possibility myself...

Then after reading New Moon, it brought Jeff back so quickly and easily that it startled me. Meyer uses a lot of "Romeo and Juliet" in the book. Many of Edwards words and Bella's reactions felt familiar. The ache Bella described, the pain she felt. They're here in me. This in and of itself completely upsets me.

Have I just been using all these guys as a placeholder? A Paris to my Juliet, if you will? A plan B? Not one of them deserved that. Clearly there is something wrong with me, with my heart.

Why do I still have all the memories and the promises locked inside my head? The promises that he would love and protect me forever. That he would never leave. Why have I been unable to find someone better for me without the feeling something is wrong? Apparently I haven't found the right guy yet, but what if it's worse than that? What if I really do love Jeff and no one else will ever bring me to life the way he did? What if he was supposed to be the One, but choose to take a different path? The path without me.

Ugh. I am so bitter and cynical today. Again. There is something so wrong with all of this.

Of course, this doesn't even begin to cover my anger with myself for being almost 22 but in no way self-sufficient. When did I let myself become such a coward?

Stolen

Favorite Things of this very moment (4:02 pm CST):

• Stardust
• Purple Dynamic Horizons Computer Services pens

I am waiting for Heather to meet me here at the office. I really should take this time to finish my book (which is really turning out to be excellent and forcing me to consider how I feel about life and death a bit more...amazing), but you know what I'm thinking about? Tristian's face. And also Dashboard Confessional's song "Stolen" (which are as follows):

We watch the season pull up its own stakes

And catch the last weekend of the last week

Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,

Another sun soaked season fades away
You have stolen my heart
Invitation only, grand farewells

Crash the best one, of the best ones

Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight
You have stolen my heart
And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration

One good stretch before our hibernation

Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well
You have stolen

You have stolen my heart
I watch you spin around in your highest heels

You are the best one, of the best ones

We all look like we feel
You have stolen my

You have stolen my heart

And...I'm also thinking about Shane Celestino. The first boy in such a long, long time to look at me and come sit with me just to see how I was doing, who tried to help me pass Algebra (which I didn't), and who I've managed for the last 2 months to think very little about because I've convinced myself there's no point in bothering (which is very likely to be true)...but... How often in life to we just never bother to tell someone that we think they're something special? That they're someone worth waiting for a little while. That maybe, just maybe they've stolen your heart. At the very least, they captivate you...why don't we tell people these things more often? Maybe the world would be a little bit better and brighter if we had a little more honesty when it comes to things of the heart. We could give someone a little bit more strength and a lot more love. Like Tristan's transformation in "Stardust." Think about how much he changed as he became more confident and how amazing he was, how brave when he knew he had someone believing in him, loving him. I want to be able to share that. I want to give someone that boost of strength and belief so that he can continue onward. I'm not sure what this has to do with Shane other than the concept that I was reminded of him yesterday by my friend Heather at Sauk and have been thinking of him off and on ever since and it doesn't help that our handsome young hero last night happened to be a sweet young man with dark hair and beautiful eyes...just like my handsome friend, Shane.

Well...I'm off to plot how I can convince Nathan Dvorak to become the first in the army of camouflage ninja minstrel warriors... :)