Prequel to Summer

Favorite things of this very moment (3:18 pm CST):

• Contacts
• Eye liner/mascara
• Sun tea
• Books that make me think (ex: The Princess by Lori Wick)
• The "Heartbreaker" cd by Ryan Adams
• Boxes of bizzarity
• Tall attractive men calling me in the middle of the night to make sure I know I am not forgotten and to be a wonderful listener
• Paxton Laurent...that little one is my favorite
• Having a due day (Jan. 30) to look forward to for my newest little niece/nephew (SWEETNESS!)
• Blueberry scented bubbles
• Bookshelves of books I still get to read
• Kayla & Terrence's engagement

I have decided that this summer is not allowed to disappoint me. I refuse to be let down again. Yes, there will be times where I want to cry and scream and throw things (and I will throw things, it's just what I do), but over all, I refuse to believe that this summer could be anything less than extraordinary.

First, there's a baby blanket to make. A green one. Josh and Jenny are having their first little one. It's due on Jan. 30! Woohoo! I get to be an aunt, and I am excited. I'll be spoiling this little one. Oh yeah.

Second, Kayla and Terrence are now engaged. They got engaged last week at a Cubs game (the cubs won...party. Bonus). I am thrilled. Terrence is definitely the right man for her, and I know I won't have to worry about him taking care of her or her taking care of him. They're going to be happy, and life will be wonderful.

My summer is going to be full of bubble blowing (which is my plan for my evening), front porch talks, learning some guitar, ice tea, great books (I'll be re-reading the Twilight series very soon), lovely evening walks, star gazing, sidewalk chalk, visits from Nikky, FUEL, much talking to tall wonderful men (err...man), flowers, bad dancing, singing loudly, and general good times.

Oh yes, it will be a good summer.

Twenty-Two

Favorite things of this very moment (3:29 pm CST):

• Multiple emails from Jay
• Getting birthday wishes
• Being able to use my sunglasses
• Being able to see more than 10 ft
• Coffee with vanilla soy milk, sugar, and cinnamon in it
• John Mayer (in all his various forms)
• Talking to Nikky and having her help me decide on which kind of Milano cookies would work best for my pie-ish-thing recipe
• Justin Masterman putting together a benefit concert for the Callaways (he is a wonder)
• New music
• Sweet/Sappy birthday cards
• Knowing Josh, Jen, Kyle, Angie, and Nathan will be here tomorrow night
• Creating bracelets out of pieces of yarn that are so pretty I can't find a reason to throw them away
• Contacts
• Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austin (in all it's print and media and take-off forms)
• Collin Firth
• Graph paper notebooks
• The "Twilight" movie trailer (http://www.imdb.com/video/trailer/vi2380464409/)

Today I am 22 years old. I do not feel 22. I feel about 13. I'm still awkward, I'm still socially inept, I'm still single, and I'm still living with my parents.

Perhaps I'm the female version of Wayne Campbell. It's too bad Nikky and I don't live next door to each other, we'd make a great Wayne & Garth pair. (Well, we do anyway, but having the entire state of Indiana between us makes it a little hard to function normally.)

Birthdays are a fickle thing. I like birthdays is some ways. I enjoy being surprised by people's thoughtfulness. I love cake (or pie or whatever substitute we use and stick candles in). I enjoy the well-wishes and the emails and the notes, but they still lack something.

I'm not good with the attention. I don't know what it is, maybe I feel I don't deserve it, or maybe I'm trying hard not to care about it because they never seem that special to me. I've had to share my birthday with a great deal of traveling, weddings, and tragedy over the past several years, not to mention having one of my best friends repeatedly forget my birthday and then always try to buy me off with some gift.

I just wish there was a nice balance. I don't like being fussed over, but I do like feeling special. I don't need anything extravagant, but it is nice to be remembered.

I guess in a lot of ways the attention I've always received on my birthday always seemed kind of fake, and fake is not something I'm real thrilled with.

Meh.

I feel guilty for even caring it's my birthday this year. I've got several close friends dealing with funerals for close family members this week, and one of my best friends is trying to recover from a broken heart. What is a birthday in comparison to their tragedies?

Again, I say unto you, meh.

And so, I appreciate that kindness of my friends, the gifts, the cards, the notes, and just how generally sweet everyone is. It means a lot, even if I sound like a grouch today. I'm not really, I've been having good things happen and indulging myself a little. Bought myself a little John Mayer Trio and got my eyes checked so I can use my contacts again. Sometimes I forget that I really do have lovely eyes. Muahaha.

Now, if only I could receive the magical powers to play match maker and to heal broken hearts for my birthday. Wouldn't that be lovely? Best birthday gifts ever if I could make everyone around me happy. I think that would make me happy too.

Maybe somewhere, deep down, I am growing up. I guess this is just the beginning of another year for me and we'll have to wait and see...

Good night.

The Fear of Committment

Favorite things of this very moment (9:18 pm CST):

• Agnes & The Hitman by Jennifer Cruise and Bob Mayer (READ IT!)
• Carson's amazing ability to be just where I need him at the right time (you don't often get that anymore)
• That I'll have Landin's baby blanket done by Saturday (which means he should get it inside of a week!)
• Southern accents
• Ben trying to talk me into reading the Harry Potter series this summer, congratulating me on finally figuring out what I want to major in, dispensing advice as lovingly and sarcastically as always, being genuinely concerned with everything in my life, and generally just being that wonderful friend I'm so glad that I still have despite everything that potentially could have scared him off and/or driven him away
• Getting to talk to Nikky on the phone
• Knowing my Business final is my last one, that it's multiple choice, and that I'll be free when it's done tomorrow (YES!!!)
• Oh yes, and agreeing, for Ben, to read the Harry Potter series (finally) because he wants me to read them so he can talk to someone about them (someone, as he says, "that reads as much as I do")

My finals for this semester are done tomorrow. Yes!

The problem is...that's when real life begins. No, I'm not graduating from college (as if that will ever happen at the rate I'm going), but this does mark yet another step in making decisions. I hate making decisions.

I read an interesting quote the other night that said (and I'm really paraphrasing here) that one you commit it gives you the freedom to stop worrying about the decision and just enjoy where you are and what you've committed to whether it's a relationships, job, or just some random life choice in general. It sets you on a path and gives you the push to direct your life and set things in motion. That is what I need. Commitment.

It's ironic to me that the thing that I've accused so many men in my life for having is one thing I struggle with all the time, but never really considered: the fear of commitment.

Let me be honest, I am terrified of committing to something because if I commit to a major or going to a certain school or moving to a certain place...well, it means a great deal of change, and what if I don't like it? What if the decision turns out to be a bad one that makes me unhappy or that distracts me from whatever I should be doing with my life (like I know what that is)?

I need to suck it up and take it like a man (well, woman in my case)! And I need to commit. To something. To finishing a book. To choosing a major. To going to school. To getting a job. Anything and everything. To growing up. And to being more optimistic.

Life is going to change whether I want it to or not.

Pick a Card

Favorite things of this very moment:

• The above picture. It makes me laugh constantly and I really don't know why. Probably the absolute absurdity of the kids face...good grief
• Mat Kearney
• Sweet Valley brands Orange Soda
• Colored pencils (hey, I love coloring too)
• Graph paper notebooks
• Visual bookshelf of Facebook (still my favorite application EVER)
• Removing people from my friends lists after we've come to a point where we: a) never talk, b) aren't particularly fond of each other, and c) the very mention of their name riles me up...
• Telling people what they need to hear, even if it's hard (I'm actually proud of myself for not chickening out)
• Knowing that within 8 days I'll be done with yet another year of college...thank goodness
• Accents (particularly southern or the kind of western, farm country accent)

So...

I've been running into lots of memories that make me think of Sarah. I realized that the only bad part about FUEL this year will be that she is not by my side. I've gotten use to that being a week we spend a crazy amount of time together, and I've been so proud to introduce my little sister to my friends and get to actually spend quality time getting to know her. She never ceased to amaze me with her generosity, silliness, and absolute zest for life and people. I only hope that when I die I will be remembered with the love and laughter she will be remembered for.

The odd thing is that in the wake of her death I suddenly realized a couple of things about myself. Things that were completely obvious to people around me (I'm sure):

1. That I have completely lost track of myself
2. That I do not believe in myself at all
3. That I have let myself go (*sigh* uuuugh)
4. That I have no life goals and/or ambitions to drive at

What is the deal? I can pinpoint when everything fell apart for me: Jacob Zuniga's death.

What drives me crazy is that I know this is not what my life should be. He would not want me to be like this, and I certainly do not want to remain like this. I just am so uncertain in everything that it is ridiculous.

I've given myself a time-period finally. A clock of sorts. I have decided that I must know what I will do this next year by the end of May. I have to have a plan picked out, decided on, and set in motion by May 31st because if I don't start moving forward like I constantly pretend I am than I am going to be living in my bedroom at my parents house for the rest of my life. I love my folks and they love me, but this situation is unhealthy to continue in without having a plan to eventually (hopefully sooner) get myself out into the real world (ish) being a competent adult.

Goals. That's what I need. I need something to strive for. And my mom is probably right...I need someone or something to take care of. I currently am doing a fabulous job of wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing, self-depreciation and a lot of other selfish (ha!) and pointless areas.

Change is possible, isn't it?

Breath In & Breath Out

Favorite things of this very moment (4:08 pm CST):

• Sun tea in the (new) fabulous Dasani water bottle (sadly, it is also a recycle #1...argh!)
• Water proofing
• Having time to change out of soaked through clothes before I had to come to work
• Rain
• "Ugly Flower for a Beautiful Friend" mix (Gratzi Nikky!)
• Chocolate, REAL cherries, coconut
• Being completely done with my Access database project (and I was even done early and became the guru for those people who were struggling to finish...what gives)
• David's willingness to leave his laptop with me so that I could finish my project (even though that actually didn't work out)
• Edna St. Vincent Millay's beautiful poetry
• Dave Eggers in any form (such a witty man and a brilliant writer)
• The Tick vs. Season 2
• Knowing that there is a stack of wonderful books waiting for me at home
• Soft Kleenexes
• Giving myself a bit of a break after completing the first of several final projects due over the course of the next 2 weeks
• The knowledge that the end of the semester is actually in sight
• Sidewalk chalk
• The memory of Hulk Hogan the Peep ("His nipples weren't right...")

Today is one of those days were I feel accomplished even though I know that there's still so much left to do. I've decided that Access is a cruel program, but I am now capable of handling it if necessary, so I guess it's alright.

The downside is that the Access project was one of 3 major projects I am currently working on, but at least it is now out of the way and I have till Tuesday to work on my Small Business Plan and to get a rough draft of my American Lit 2 papers... I will prevail!

Last night at Youth Group, Gail decided, in light of last weeks tragedy in Sarah's death, that we should talk to the kids about salvation. Terrence and I both told her we thought it was a good idea. Several of the kids are actually very interested in getting baptized, apparently they just weren't sure what else was involved or how to voice that to anyone. I am excited. By the end of this summer, we may have 3 more little siblings in Christ. Sometimes those warm spring evenings when you convince everyone they should sit outside to further enjoy the moment...those times really surprise you and God works in really amazing ways.

We talked about how believing in God and that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins in the first step in becoming a believer (or however you want to say that). If we choose to wholeheartedly follow Christ's example and believe in God's plan...we will be saved. Terrence made a good point last night, he said that once you start, as long as you keep moving forward, the rest of it will start to fall in place. We did make it very clear to the kids that no one is ever going to be perfect and that everyone messes up, but that the beauty of it is, if we get up, repent, and truly try to continue to grow and change, we will be forgiven because God is love. It is a beautiful thing.

The amazing thing is that this entire lesson that was for our kids...it touched my heart too. Sometimes I worry that I've become a bit too calloused for my own good (in fact I know I am at times), but it still touched my heart. Sometimes I try to take too much advantage of God's love for me. Instead of trying to make God happy, I make myself "happy" realizing that I am screwing up, and then the remorse and repentance that I later profess...sometimes they aren't as real as they should be. I am so glad that God is gracious and forgiving and so completely patient with me because I so often find myself still screwing the same things up.

Let me just be honest for a moment...

These are my most struggled with sins (the ones that I find myself stuck in right now):

• Eating too much and/or what's bad for me
• Gossiping when I should be building others up
• A thought life I am always proud of (this covers so many things...*sigh*)
• Trusting more in my own provision than in God's strength (and this causes me to fail more than anything else)

It's time to get back down on my knees and start praying for the strength and grace to change.

And I will leave you with the following:

"My first business is to so live that at least a few will thank
God that I lived when my little day is done."

-Alfred A. Montapert

I Still Believe

Favorite things about today (as of 3:35 pm CST):

• That Nikky is sleeping on my couch (which is good because otherwise she'd be listening to me trying to sing along with all the songs on my Sarah mix and my voice is so scratchy right now it's a bad idea...haha)
• Knowing Kayla will be here in less than an hour
• Ice cream maker balls
• That the visitation and funeral are over and that there are no more formal grieving functions I need to attend and perform
• Seeing my email full of loving notes and comments and my facebook wall covered with encouragement
• The Sarah (147:3) mix
• Pasta salad
• Getting huge hugs from Johnny (he's so huge and I just haven't seen him in sooo long)
• "I love you"
• Purses big enough to smuggle LOADS of Kleenex and a huge water bottle in
• David doing all the driving
• Hugs from: Mom, Jenni, Tim, Jimbo, Johnny, Lil, Carson, Kayla, David, Joel, Daddy, Christine, Bev, Liz, Gail, Heather, and so many others...
• Today is Friday
• Seeing Tim carrying drumsticks
• Hearing Jay and Tim play "Did you feel the mountains tremble?"
• Singing through the tears
• "Homecoming" by Kanye West feat. Chris Martin

It will get better.

Rough

Again, my blog will be backwards...

Today has been interesting. I woke up this morning with Usher singing in my head because his was one of the last voices I got to hear before I went to bed last night (Nikky makes the best mix cds). Sadly, even though I was hearing Usher's beautiful voice singing words to a song I absolutely love and enjoy dancing badly too (though not nearly as creatively or badly as the people in "Hairspray"...that's just amazing), I was in a lousy mood. I woke up this morning absolutely dreading going to school. For some reason the idea of having to go to Sauk today seemed so much more horrible than Sarah's visitation. How messed up is that? *sigh*

Fortunately, Nikky went with me. I lied to my American Lit professor and told him she was interested in coming to Sauk and the class. It wasn't a complete lie. She was interested in seeing how the class worked, but we also had a Tornado drill today. Fabulous. That was actually interesting because I'd never seen Sauk's basement before.

Wow...the rambling. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I made it. I'm done with class. Nikky survived being at Sauk despite it's horrible decorating and depressing demeanor (although, I am sad she didn't have the pleasure of seeing Mr. Willoughby...he's so beautiful).

Now the real challenge, the one that should have been what I was dreading is looming. In a little less than 2 hours, I will be at the church facing what I've been staving off for 2 days....that my Sarah is dead.

The Sarah who played tackle football and soccer with Eric, David and I in the backyard of the house in Oregon, who fought with Jenni (which, to be perfectly honest, was hilarious to me), who baked everyone at Alfano's their favorite cookies, who made the world's best puppy chow, who knew my secrets and loved me anyway, who called me her big sister, who made me so proud, who was such a hard worker, who loved little kids and adored her neice and nephew, who took care of her big brothers and loved her parents (even if they did fight), who drove too fast, loved others so much, and now...has died all to young.

My Sarah.

Why did this happen?

"I lift my eyes unto the hills/Where does my help come from?/My help comes from the LORD/The maker of heavens and earth/...And I will praise you in this storm/And I will lift my hands/For You are who You are/No matter where I am/And all these tears I cry/You hold in Your hands"

My favorite things of this very moment (3:34pm CST):

• http://http//www.pastemagazine.com/action/article/7085/news/film/princess_bride_video_game_offers_remix_challenge
• Linda stopping in to see if her grandson (*cough*) was still here (the bum...haha) because she was going to ask him for help with something
• Uncle Jon
• Having a water bottle
• My cell phone
• The beautifully decorated box that Nikky brought for me
• Dark chocolate
• Taco Bell
• Sunshine and warm weather (complete with gentle breeze)
• That Nikky is here
• Graph paper
• That I will finally be able to give Eric a hug tonight and give him the little...package I put together for him
• Psalm 147:3, Psalm 121
• Mix cds from Nikky (Kanye, Usher, All-American Rejects, Tyler Hilton, David Bowie...*sigh* joy and rapture)
• Having the windows rolled down
• That time really does ease some pain

I'm out.