Learned

Things I learned yesterday:

• Jay was raised by centipedes
• Beans, Books and Beliefs is a fantastic coffee house
• Jay's songs sound even better live than they do on the recordings (so much talent in that one)
• Applebee's half price appetizers after 9 is a wonderful deal
• I now can recognize Barry Pepper.  He's in everything.  Honestly.
•  A bowl of bacon is a glorious thing
• (something that was simply reinforced) One way streets are of the devil
• Shady guys smoking cigarettes will probably not be a real threat to you if you have your car doors locked
• Having Heather with me when I get lost is hilarious
• "Young Frankenstien" is even hilarious when you can't hear any of the words
• My friend, Chris is, in theory, moving to Nashville in 2 weeks
• Jay & Donna (not the same Jay as my tall best friend who was raised by centipedes and who is an amazing musician) are absolutely hilarious and wonderful to have dinner with
• Bruce Campbell has a book called If Chins Could Kill (which Donna brought me this morning at church so that I could read it...glorious, glorious day)
• Canadian football is the weirdest thing...so similar to American football, but so very different
• A good commercial for light beer would point out that a person should drink light beer so they could save all the calories for when they eat bacon
• Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon
• The idea that there are 6 degrees of seperation to Kevin Bacon should be replaced by 6 degrees of seperation to Father Jeremy (still weird to call him that...I mean, I met him at a friend's party my freshman year of college...ha)
• Heather may have found a place to live in  Chicago
• Having a watch makes me happy
• Sometimes you really just want people to ask you the right questions
• That I really need to figure out what is best for me
• That Heather is a phenomenal friend (I knew this before, but it really was reinforced last night...I thank God for her every time I think of her)
• You can carry a rosary in your pocket
• My mom is the best and easiest person in the world to shop with
• Pop fluff can be used as another name for pastachio fluff
• Tennis shoes are lovely
• Heather doesn't really like John Mayer
• Having someone use one of your inside jokes from the stage and then sing a song you love is one of the coolest things ever
• Jay is someone to be incredibly proud of
• Bacon

The Wind Was Right

If I knew you would show
I could wait forever
but that light in your eyes
makes me think never

The porch is cold
and all the lights are out
you'd think the stars would show
but they're not shining now

So I'm reeling in these hopes and dreams
packing up my wishes and schemes
because you're not coming to meet me
anymore

True.

"The little unremembered acts of kindness and love are the best parts of a person's life."
-William Wordsworth


Amen.

This is Madness

BACK OFF!  Ah.

Alright, now that that's out of the way, let me explain.

For the past few months I have had an increasingly weird sense of deja vu.  Recently multiple members of my family ranging from my grandmother to siblings to parents to cousins to youngest brother's ex-girlfriend to one of my ex's younger brothers to close friends all tell me I am going to date or marry my friend Jay.

To this I say, yeah right.

Let me explain something to you wonderful people.  I spent about 3 years trying to win his heart.  He was aware of this by the end and he rejected me not once but 2 times.  There were words and kindness and he never meant to hurt me, but he never meant to love me either.

Jay is a fantastic guy.  Someone my life would be much quieter and lonelier without and not nearly as silly, but that's where this has to end.  He may be one of my best friends, but I am not going to marry him.

Yes, I know I am always telling people they should marry their best friends, and I am not changing my position on this.  I just don't intend to marry Jay.

So much would have to change.  And he would have to actually pursue me.  I refuse to be won over easily and I refuse to let this just happen.

On top of which, he hasn't changed at all since then.  I mean, not towards me.  As a result, what are these people seeing?  I have been told we work well together and have chemistry.  That may be true, but I have had "chemistry" with other people in the past and never married them.  Chemistry is not enough.

So...I guess what I am saying is, I am tired of this.

I don't want to marry him.  I don't ever want to be something someone settles for and I don't want him to be either, and that's the only way I can see this happening right now.

I want to be needed and I NEED to be wanted.  He can't do that.  The end.

The Other Woman

I realized recently that I have someone how become the "other woman" in a friend of mine's relationship.  He's been dating this girl since the beginning of April, and I am not a fan.  I am sure she's lovely person in the grand scheme of things, and God loves her, so she can't be all bad, right?  I just know she's not good for him.  The seem forced and fake and awkward and everyone feels uncomfortable around them when they're together.  It's not good.

The odd thing is, he hides that he talks to me from her.  I didn't realize this until recently.  For a long time, our super close friendship was highly public knowledge, even after they started dating, but then things shifted.  She sent me a weird email telling me that my relationship with her boyfriend made her uncomfortable and, without saying it directly, to back the hell off.  She sent me a friend request on Facebook at the same time.  I ignored both because I was afraid I would say something mean.  I don't want to fight with this girl.  Not really.  I just want to continue being a friend the way I have been all along.

After that our relationship cut off for awhile.  I told him I'd be here when he wanted me, but that I didn't want tangled up in this mess because I knew his new girlfriend didn't like me.  It lasted about a month...and then I couldn't take it any longer.  I missed him.  He had been (and is still) the one person I feel the need to talk to EVERY day.

Now we talk on a daily basis, but his end is kinda sporadic.  A few weeks ago, I realized that he was texting me whenever she wasn't with him.  Is it bad that I find this hilarious?  We don't do anything creepy or inappropriate or super weird.   We just talk about life.

Tonight I find out that not only does he really only text me when she's not around, but that he put auto delete on his texting.  Yeah...

Seriously, am I the "Other Woman" now?  This is so unreal.

50/50

I am very tired.  It is very late.  This evening made up for a couple of weeks of blahs all in one swift movement.

Tonight I went out with my friends Heather and Morgan.  We met at Red Mango and had delicious frozen yogurt, and then went to see "50/50."

Go see "50/50."  It is easily the best movie I have seen in ages.  Definitely the most real.  Definitely the most hopeful and gracious while dealing with a topic that scares just about all of us I think: cancer.  It is based on a true story.  It is actually based on the writer of the movie's life.  It is brilliant and witty, and it reminded me that even when you don't have a clue how to deal with life...people come through for you.  Just not always who you expected at all.  When it comes out on DVD, I think I am actually going to have to make a point of purchasing it.

After the movie, Morgan had to go home to sleep (she has to be at work at 6), but Heather and I went to Steak & Shake.  I hadn't been there in ages, and we had some tasty dinner and just talked.  About everything and nothing.  We talked about the Catholic church (Heather is Catholic) and we talked about the fact that I don't believe in the Trinity and how exactly that works since I am Protestant.  We talked about the fact that I dated the guys Heather wanted to in high school, and we talked about how it was so great that she never dated them because they would have been just as wrong for her as they were for me.  And I apologized to her for that even though we didn't know each other in high school.  We talked about death and the people we miss.  We talked about how we are both trying  to get back to school in the spring and how scary it is trying to get financial aide and scholarships and money in place.  We talked about how we both need to go to the doctor and we talked about how scared I am of all the testing that I need to have done and that I am afraid they will tell me something is wrong that will keep me from going back to school in the spring.  We talked about how sometimes it feels like we are the only people in the world who are actually trying to maintain purity and not have sex before we are married and how frustrating that is.  We reminded each other to hope.

Oh, and then we got pulled over 3 blocks from my house by the one cop in town that really freaks me out because one of my headlights makes my car look like I am trying to send up the Bat Signal into the clouds...

So it was a slightly skewed ending, but I did walk away from my time with Heather and Morgan feeling better about life.  The movie was inspiring and funny and heartbreaking and beautiful and so full of hope.

I am a mess, but this isn't over yet.

My Weakness I Feel I Must Finally Show

I don't even know at the moment.  I am tired and frustrated on a couple different levels.  I am scared.  I am heartbroken.  I am trying to not think about the fact that in certain dreams...there really isn't any hope, and I am trying to remember that just because what I want isn't happening, it doesn't mean that God isn't in control or that life is going to be bad.

Tonight I realize that there is a good chance that a guy I have been friends with since early in high school may have died from cancer and I never found out.  I'm hoping I am wrong and that he'll get ahold of me in the next day or two and it will just prove to be my crazy imagination and a result of the tired and the lost feeling inside me.

I sent the guy I have been fighting for every day a mix on Monday.  He should get it tomorrow in the mail or maybe Friday.  I am guessing he won't see what it really is: a letter.  Because I have come to realize that the only way I can really tell him what I feel is by sending him a mix of my heart.

And will it matter?  Probably not.

And I wonder...is he it?  And if he is...how long am I going to be waiting?  Forever?  How long do you wait in love before you realize that you have befriend St. Jude and his lost causes?

Death, unrequited love, and I made the mistake of looking through old pictures tonight and realized that I really did let myself go completely in the past 7 years.  I got out of high school and became a moose.

Tonight is death and depression and self-depreciation night.  No biggie.  Well, the death part is.  That just freaks me out, and I don't know what to do about that except pray and hope I find an answer and figure out how to deal with it in the meantime.

My amazing friend, Jay made me a mix.  I have been needing it.

Can you tell I am disconnected?

On a positive note:

Favorite things of this moment (11:07 pm CST):

• "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons
• Jay's mixes...he's genius
• Encouragement from good friends
• Reminders that maybe I am not seeing everything clearly and should review
• God's glorious, glorious mercy & grace & love & timing

"Where you invent your love, you invest your life." - Mumford & Sons

Put Back the Moon, Demon Waif!

Favorite things of this very moment (11:11 am CST):

• The Tick, Season 1 ("A terrified city cringes in its collective pajamas.")
• Gin Wigmore, check out her voice
• Cheesy pictures of myself and others
• My new glasses
• Feeling like an adult

Today I put a couple of checks in the mail.  Odd as it may sound, this was glorious.  I paid my phone bill, and I paid off the last of my bill from ABC.  I also sent a little money down to ABC to start paying for the coming semester.  It was just really phenomenal.  For once I feel a bit in control.  I'm excited to be moving forward. 

Me.

I guess I have become perpetually surprised by the places and things I have found happiness in recently. I mean, who gets excited about their phone bill?  I think I just needed to find a way to participate in my adulthood.  I mean, I work full-time and have a couple part-time jobs, but I live with my parents.  And even though Terrence gave me a great pep-talk recently about how this is going to become more and more common within my generation and beyond because people will find that it is more financially responsible and family friendly...it still makes me feel like a bit of a failure to be 25 and living with my parents. 

But now I have bills to pay and bills paid off.  I am trying to budget more, save more, and actually participate in the creation and building of my future.  I want to be generous and alive and moving forward and hopeful.  I think in order to do that, I need to find more ways to open myself up and to actually save.  Use what I have, give what I don't need away, and figure out what is actually important to me.  What I actually want.  

Slowly but surely...I am gonna get there.

And I leave you with this parting with/thought: 

Yes, yes I wish it was.  Thank you Candy Chang for your brilliant ideas that end in such hilarious results at times.  :)

My 9

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (7:34 pm CST):

• "Magic" by Leagues
• The Battle of the Labyrinth by Rick Riordan
• Unsweetened ice tea
• Having my window open but my room being just the perfect temperature for me to be curled up typing this without being too hot or two cold
• The sleeping cat curled up behind me
• The letter from Sarah from my family group at FUEL this year
• Sarah
• Marisa
• Emilee
• Jamie
• Malorie
• Ashley
• Haley
• Cheyenne
• Julia

My awesome family group girls

They were incredible

I miss these girls

These pictures are of my girls.  I had 9 beautiful, hilarious, wonderful, sweet girls.  I probably haven't said much about them before, but I miss them.  They gave me 9 good reasons why youth ministry really is what I want to keep pursuing.  Working with girls like this was a new experience.  Last year I trained with an incredible lady named Julie Driskoll to be a counselor, but taking on a whole group by myself was totally different.  I learned a lot.  For instance, make sure you have snacks.  Also, foam weaponry can be dangerous when in the hands of 14-16 year old girls (or 25 year old girls...for that matter).

Most importantly, I learned that God will always give you the words you need to say what He needs you to say.  I really had no idea what I needed to be doing with these girls, even the training didn't give me a definite idea.  You kinda gotta feel your own way and figure out how you want to approach these kinds of things, and God gave me my own way.  I did a lot of praying that week that God would help me to not say too much or too little to the girls, but to help them find what they needed.

God always comes through.

We talked a lot about Romans 12:9-21.  It's one of my favorite bits of the Bible, and there is so much there to talk about.  We kinda jumped around in it, and then I talked about it all week.  It was amazing how well it tied into our theme this year which was TOGETHER.  

We talked about how we needed to be acting.  And I gave them little assignments, and made sure to do them myself.  We tried to notice all the amazing blessings God gave us big and small each day...all the things we could be thanking him for.  We also tried to do acts of kindness wherever we could.  It's amazing what something little like that can do to your perspective and your attitude.

What really blows me away?  The letters and notes and Facebook posts I get from the girls.  They have made lists of things they are thankful for, they have told me fears, hopes, dreams, and asked for prayers and advice.  They have told me how much they love and miss me, and I don't think I could ever express how much I love and miss them back.  I am so blessed to have these girls in my life.

God is amazing.  My girls are amazing, and I hope I get to keep them in my life as long as I am living.  They amaze me.  

Who are you blessed with?

A Week in Review: It Wasn't THAT Bad! No, Really!

I have been a major downer this week, and I want to apologize for that.  Until yesterday, the week had been one grey, rainy, cold, colorless week.  Or at least that was how I was feeling about the whole thing. 

So let's refocus, shall we?  Instead of whining anymore, I would like to tell you about the AWESOME of my week.

Pie... 

Starting with PIE!  Yes, this week I made pie.  Two of them actually.  The one pictured here was the one I made for my family.  It was a bit of an experiment (as many of mine are anymore).  I put blueberry and cherry pie filling in it, but then I added fresh pear and some dried cranberries.  I realize that probably sounds really, really odd, but the combo was actually really perfect.  We ate this delightful pie while drinking some tasty decaf on Wednesday night.  I made this pie and a second one that was just plain cherry.  The cherry pie actually went to the church on Thursday night.  Autumn on Parade is this weekend and I had agreed to make a pie for the church's booth.  But we at this one here at home, partially because I needed to make pie, but also partially to celebrate the fact my mom had a successful first day run of "Quilters" which is the musical she is currently in through PAG here in town.  

Mom is the sweet, sweet Prairie fire there in the middle!

My father and I actually went to see "Quilters" last night.  I really hadn't wanted to see this musical.  That may sound a little rude or harsh or mean, but one of Mom's monologues was the most depressing bit of a musical I have ever heard, and I have seen Les Miserables...  Honestly, she has this monologue about this little girl's 7th birthday and her mom is already dead, but then during the monologue both the girl's dad AND sister die.  It's 30 below, she's 7, it's her birthday, she becomes an orphan, and she's alone in this dirt house on the prairie.  Honestly.  *shudders*  That one is awful, but the rest of the musical was great.  I mean, Mom did a wonderful job with her monologue, but the rest of the musical was, for the most part, far more upbeat, and it was often really funny.  That I really didn't expect.  The funny was a glorious touch.  If you get a chance at some point, Quilters is a musical well worth watching.  Just make sure you take Kleenex.  

Handsome Rob (erta?)

Ah yes, and then there was one more surprise addition to the week.  On Monday night, Joel was taking stuff out to the garage, and when he came back in he said there was a kitten in the garage.  Sure enough, out in the rain was an adorable little kitten.  I named it Handsome Rob even though we are now pretty sure it's a girl.  This cat is adorable and sweet, but sadly we just don't have the money to take her to the vet for her shots so we can keep her.  We are currently feeding her, and she is currently living on our porch.  We're working on finding her a good home where people will love her as much as we are all coming too.  So...*hint, hint,* if you want an adorable, cuddly, purring kitten of your very own, please let me know.  I would love to see Handsome Rob(erta) to a good home.  The good thing is, the vet we take our cats to told us that if we can't find her a home by the end of next week, he will take her in and find her a good home.  This definitely makes me feel better.  I just want this little one to be loved.  She's so sweet.

Anyway, today is sunny and glorious, and my mood and brain have finally gone back to where they need to be.  Sure...life isn't perfect, but it never will be.  But, I can smile because I got to sleep in this morning, my mom made chocolate chip banana muffins, I am listening to Jamie Cullum sing to me about how weird your 20's are (AMEN!), and in a few hours I will be having dinner with my friend Morgan and some of her friends for her birthday.

Life is going to be just fine.