Be the Good

Tonight finds me dancing along to The Bravery's "Ours," and fighting the urge to open and drink a whole bottle of Moscato by myself.

Does anyone else constantly what to scream when they watch the news because it never seems like there are good things?  Sex scandals, abuse, murder, shootings, robberies, kidnappings, disappearances, war, death, rape, and natural disaster.

More than anything, we need Christmas.  We need the hope and light and joy of the Advent.  A reminder that 2000 years ago God sent us hope in the form of a little baby boy that would change everything.  He came to bring us light, forgiveness, love, peace, and joy.

Jesus.

What a truly beautiful name.  A name that means that someday this will all be over.  There won't be anymore of this terror or horror or pain.  You won't wake up to find that your best friend is dead, people you love are having kidneys fail, someone's house has burnt down, your car is broken again, your family is broke, you've lost your job, you're sick with a disease that may kill you, or that children have been abused and no one stood up for them.  No, none of that will happen ever again.

Instead you'll be standing hand in hand with the people you love smiling out into eternity.

May it come soon.

I realize this may seem early, but I'm wishing you a Merry Christmas tonight.  If your day, week, etc. has been anything like mine, I think you deserve a little Christmas early.

So let's make it feel like Christmas tonight and from this moment onward.  Let's find a way to do something good for someone else tonight, tomorrow and each day.  Let's make sure that everyone has a bit more good.  We all need more hope and good news.

Be the good.

On the Loss of Five Heart-Shaped Ice Cubes

Sometimes at night
I still wonder
Why couldn't this have worked?

And then I remember
all the little failures
And I am glad

There have been
many names
many faces

But they
are not
You.

And the ache that resounds
so deep in my soul
echoes

When reminded,
I remember nothing fills it
but You, Lord.

Sure, there are times,
and places
and seasons

but
it is not
today.

When I stop trying to fill
my heart with things
and people who will never satisfy

and start remembering
You, Lord, only You
can ever fill in

these cracks
and breaks
and old wounds.

Only you
can heal a heart,
can heal a soul.

Then I will see
that the loss of so much,
the loss

of five heart-shaped ice cubes...
though sad,
was never meant to be the end

or anything too great
to be born
but instead

it was just
a new
beginning

Blargh

It has been another one of those totally bizarre days.  A mix of good and bad.

Good: Slept in and then got up and made Dunkin Donuts Mint Mocha coffee (my FAVORITE) and sat and watched the Today show with my mom while wearing my pj's and my sweet, sweet slipper boots.  Got to hang out with my mom for a long time today because we were both off work.  Got to work for about an hour at Basket Beginnings which just meant that I sat and worked on a blanket while talking to my mom.  Had some McDonald's for lunch (and yes I realize that's really not good for me, but it was a junk food kind of day).  Watched some good movies and played some computer games.  Played with my crazy cats.  Went to play practice that really just ended up being a sitting on the stage with scripts in our laps ladies' only brainstorming session.

This was all kinds of great.

On the bad side, some dear friends of mine went to court today to get a divorce after being married around 10 years.  They have two little girls who I love above and beyond almost all other children in the universe, and this whole deal just breaks my heart into bits.  Just as bad is seeing Jay have to deal with this because this couple has been a huge part of his life and some of his closest friends for as long as I can remember.  He's their eldest daughter's godfather.  It's breaking his heart too.

Oh, and then a friend of mine who has been like a little sister to me for years got married today.  She married the boyfriend I have been hating since pretty much the first time I met him when he refused to actually ever meet my eyes, who got her pregnant when she was in high school, who makes me super uncomfortable, and who I am darn near certain is abusive.  Yeah...somehow I can't be happy for her.  I want to be.  I want to be able to celebrate her marriage.  Her little boy's parents are finally married.  This should be great...buuuuuut...I just can't be.

Today has been so very weird.

Eh.

Tomorrow will be better.  It will be.  It will be.  I will make it so.

Note to Self:

Sometimes it is better not to ask because sometimes it really is what you think it means and it is better to not know because it doesn't result in your heart feeling like someone just tripped it and knocked the wind right out of it.  Sometimes you should just let it go and ignore the leading statement.  Life is not a movie, and just because someone is a huge part of your world does not mean you take up that much space in theirs or that, even if you do, the space may not be labeled the same.  Also, no matter how much time you've spent in "the friend zone" for someone or how use to it or normal you've convinced yourself it is or feels...it will never be enough or okay.  It will be one of those wounds that doesn't ever seem to heal.  Maybe now is the time to make a clean break for it and clean the hell out of that wound.  If it gets stitched up and given some real closure...maybe it will have a for real chance to heal.  Maybe.  And stop beating yourself up and thinking you're not good enough.  This isn't about you not being worthy, it's about the other person not being the right fit.  Stop being someone's sidekick or bet or nurse or addict.  Lead your own life.

Learned

Things I learned yesterday:

• Jay was raised by centipedes
• Beans, Books and Beliefs is a fantastic coffee house
• Jay's songs sound even better live than they do on the recordings (so much talent in that one)
• Applebee's half price appetizers after 9 is a wonderful deal
• I now can recognize Barry Pepper.  He's in everything.  Honestly.
•  A bowl of bacon is a glorious thing
• (something that was simply reinforced) One way streets are of the devil
• Shady guys smoking cigarettes will probably not be a real threat to you if you have your car doors locked
• Having Heather with me when I get lost is hilarious
• "Young Frankenstien" is even hilarious when you can't hear any of the words
• My friend, Chris is, in theory, moving to Nashville in 2 weeks
• Jay & Donna (not the same Jay as my tall best friend who was raised by centipedes and who is an amazing musician) are absolutely hilarious and wonderful to have dinner with
• Bruce Campbell has a book called If Chins Could Kill (which Donna brought me this morning at church so that I could read it...glorious, glorious day)
• Canadian football is the weirdest thing...so similar to American football, but so very different
• A good commercial for light beer would point out that a person should drink light beer so they could save all the calories for when they eat bacon
• Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon
• The idea that there are 6 degrees of seperation to Kevin Bacon should be replaced by 6 degrees of seperation to Father Jeremy (still weird to call him that...I mean, I met him at a friend's party my freshman year of college...ha)
• Heather may have found a place to live in  Chicago
• Having a watch makes me happy
• Sometimes you really just want people to ask you the right questions
• That I really need to figure out what is best for me
• That Heather is a phenomenal friend (I knew this before, but it really was reinforced last night...I thank God for her every time I think of her)
• You can carry a rosary in your pocket
• My mom is the best and easiest person in the world to shop with
• Pop fluff can be used as another name for pastachio fluff
• Tennis shoes are lovely
• Heather doesn't really like John Mayer
• Having someone use one of your inside jokes from the stage and then sing a song you love is one of the coolest things ever
• Jay is someone to be incredibly proud of
• Bacon

The Wind Was Right

If I knew you would show
I could wait forever
but that light in your eyes
makes me think never

The porch is cold
and all the lights are out
you'd think the stars would show
but they're not shining now

So I'm reeling in these hopes and dreams
packing up my wishes and schemes
because you're not coming to meet me
anymore

True.

"The little unremembered acts of kindness and love are the best parts of a person's life."
-William Wordsworth


Amen.