"You and I've got something then it's all and then it's nothing to me..."
Again, I say unto you, life is a beautiful thing.
Today will be a good day. I can feel it in every breath I take.
There's something about autumn sunshine that breaks my heart and makes me new all at the same time. Like is shines through all the broken bits of a heart and makes it heal a bit faster. Almost like it's an adhesive of some kind bring it all back together.
Lately everything has been aching and hard to take. I was warned that relationships were hard from the very beginning. Especially when you're not actually with the person you adore, but instead find yourself in the position of their most trusted/beloved friend. Keepers of secrets and holder of their faith. Finding it hard to find balance between the best friend and all the desires of your heart.
My mom says that it's because I'm just like she was. Let's hope so. Her story ended well. Mine will too, however that works.
I finally had Mr. Etter sign my withdrawal slip today. I'm so glad. It made me feel a little guilty though. I was waiting when he came in and he was smiling till he saw me. Like somehow I single handedly had just ruined his entire day. Maybe I had. I imagine having someone withdrawal from your class feels a bit like rejection, and I have a lot of experience with how that feels. It's not a pleasant thing, but you know, sometimes it happens.
Aaron didn't cause me to feel like I should implode or even hyperventilate today. He's back to normal and feeling much better. No suggestive comments, no meaningful stares, no longing in anyone's eyes. Just warmth, kindness, and laughter, like always. I'm so glad. I don't need to find myself questioning my beliefs and morals and values like that ever, ever again. At least not for such base reason. *shakes head* Sometimes I truly am an idiot.
The tall one has been left his weekly message. I realized last week that I call him each Friday. It's virtually the same message: "Are you coming over?" The thing is, I like to throw in my own special brand of insanity in each message. This weeks message included the "things I love" list which I posted examples of in my favorite things of this moment list earlier. Yeah...sometimes I amaze even me.
Today doesn't feel like anything deep or profound. Instead it seems kind of relaxed. That seems ironic considering I have already been to school, taken care of business with Etter, gone to the counseling office (of course they can't reschedule my appointment because they're only taking walk-in's at the moment...boo), and now I'm at Dynamic until 3. Then I will find myself running home and then running back out of the house to get to Kable by 3:30 so that I can get the last of my overtime in.
I think this sense of calm is from God. A peace that surpasses understanding. That's how I feel because I know that I should be worrying about something (at least that's how I act under normal circumstances of this kind), but it's like everything's in slow motion. This isn't a bad thing, instead it's allowing me to focus a little better on what is going on around me and to take it in and enjoy it at my own pace. A true thing of beauty. God is amazing.
God and I had a long talk last night, actually. This talk mainly discussed how I am an idiot. Lately I've fallen off the deep-end. This week I have been as far from happy with myself as I have been in a very long time. It's just like everything went haywire. I'm not really sure how I managed to let everything get this bad, but it did. A lot of things should not have been said or thought or considered or done. Yet I did them. Why was I rebelling like this? I'm not a teenager. There's no reason for this kind of immature behavior from me, but it seems to have been the theme of the week: stupid, impulsive, childish, and the worst was the thought process. Reigning in my thoughts should have been a higher priority, but I was lazy.
So I'm back to the beginning and moving forward. Cleared slate, and we'll see what I can make of it this time. God is gracious to the extreme and I truly don't deserve this kind of love and forgiveness.
Reset.
Life moves, and I'm moving with it.
Life has been thrown off-balance again. It doesn't thrill me completely, but it does pose a challenge. I've decided to rise to the occasion.
My beloved camry died 2 weeks ago today. This caused me to alter my life plans (does this surprise you?). It did enough to truly throw my entire financial plan off-kilter and caused me to make the decision that I would try to go full time at Kable as soon as this school year was over, if not sooner. That way I would be able to get myself out of debt both to my father and to whatever financial institution I would be borrowing money from for the car.
Blow number 2 came about when I got to work that Friday after the car died. I had found out the day before that the car was officially a bust, that there was no reason to try to fix it, and then I go into work (which I love, I truly love this job) and find out they're moving the business. Kable News will start being known at Palm Coast Data and the entire fulfillment side of the business (accounting, customer service, and data entry) will all be moved down to the Palm Coast location in FL because the business has been offered huge tax incentives and will find a readily available workforce (aka. illegal immigrants from the way it's looking, retirees aren't going to want to do these jobs). Yep...there goes the rest of Mt. Morris's economic standing. Somewhere around 425 people will have to find new jobs and/or relocate by the end of 2010 when they are projecting we lose our jobs.
Needless to say, that was much more than I imagined. Life had finally given off the appearance of having some believable course, I would be able to have a stable job if I wanted it. Something I was truly good at and enjoyed. Apparently that was not in the cards.
Now I'm trying to figure out the next step. Obviously God has bigger plans for my life than having me just sit and work at Kable until my hands stop working and my eyes go out.
The search begins again. I have a feeling it will probably result in a move within the next year or so. The concept terrifies me, but something's gotta change. I need to be able to take care of myself and feel like a viable adult.
I've decided to start looking into library science programs. I don't know what all else I will look at, but I want to find a job that I will actually enjoy. If I do library science, I could probably find a library with a great children's section and maybe do work with children's reading programs. Maybe I'll start writing children's books. Wouldn't that be hilarious? Enjoyable though. :)
Alright, I'm out.