And We Rebuild the Walls

Tonight I feel inside out.
Like time stood still
and my life ran out
I'm not bleeding
But something's just not right
All I can do is sing along
"I'm sh-sh-shakin'"
Because it seems to be the truth

The irony is,
I was trying to protect myself from you
Too good to be true
Always too good to be true
But I was going to throw caution to the wind
I was going to be brave
Things were going to change

How can a girl resist such obvious honesty?
The transparency of your answers
the kindness in your eyes
the intensity of your passion
and the strength of your heart?
At least I couldn't

Maybe I'll adopt a different kind of bravery
The quiet kind that no one needs to know
I'll put on a kind face
I'll use my good hands
Make your life better so you can find a place to stand
Maybe I'll break your heart with my goodness

Perhaps I'll just break mine

And though I was coming out of my shell
Thinking I'd explore the world with my new eyes
I'm beginning to think I'll just take a new path
A quiet one
Pretend I never had such wild, happy aspirations
And forget the dreams I saw in front of my eyes
each and every time they closed

The gates were open
Change had come
But no.

And we rebuild the walls.

At the present moment, I am sitting in Basket Beginnings in the Conover Square Mall in Oregon, IL. Yep. I'm working here in the afternoons for the next several days. I love this store.

Basket Beginnings is just a cheerful place to be. Lots to see and there's always some new booth popping up. I hadn't been in for awhile, so I didn't realize there's a crafter who does handpainted silk items (which are beautiful) and another who makes cards and really unique and pretty pictures frames. And as always, I have found something I must purchase. I found a card I like, and I may shuffle through them and I find another one or 2 to use. Sometimes you just have to do that kind of thing.

I just spent the last half hour or so reading the October chapter in Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. I've realized I'm going to honestly miss this book when I finish it. I'm suppose to return it to the library so they can send it back through interlibrary loan. One of these days I'm going to have to pick up my own copy. I already know I want to reread it and mark it all up. I feel so connected to Gretchen Rubin's overall style. We're different in many ways, but she and I share some weird details. Like obsessive notetaking. It's actually a bit of a relief to know that someone else is constantly keeping track of weird bits of info. I think Nikky does a bit of that too. She always finds the best quotes.

Now I'm actually considering creating a Happiness Project of my own. It definitely couldn't hurt anything, and considering the huge changes that are about to happen in my life with the move and everything...this may be the best time. Having a project to focus on usually helps me through things and gives me something to be passionate about. We'll see what comes of this.

I did start a photo journal of the last month or so that I am home. It's not much, but I like it. I took my camera with me when Mom and I took our morning walk and that was entertaining. I think it drove Mom a little crazy because I stopped quite a few times, but there are some things I'm just going to be glad I have pictures of. Such as, Wayne the dog statue. There's this house that we walk past every morning that has this statue of a german shepherd sitting on a tree stump in their front yard. Last fall they put a cape and mask on him so he looked like Batman. Hence the name Wayne. He no longer has his cape and mask, but I didn't want to miss having a picture of Wayne. Good, good memories.

This last month promises to be insane. As you can tell by the picture of my dresser, I am far from done. And just think...that mess is JUST the TOP of my dresser...oh yes.


I'm also wondering how much of the stuff you see in this picture will go to Atlanta with me in August. Much of it will, but I think some of this will find new homes. And some of it will finally head out in the mail or go to the people it actually belongs too. Hooray for finally getting items returned. I actually have started a pile of things that I've found that I need to return to people starting with books I borrowed from Mr. Young, my favorite teacher, my senior year of high school. Yeah...then there's also a book I borrowed to help me write my speech for Baccalaureate my senior year, and it belongs to a local pastor whose wife is friends with my mom and whose daughter I work with part of the time. Some of this stuff just needs thank you notes/apologies written and sent off. I'm going to look forward to clearing all of that away.

Well, hopefully your dressers are cleaner than mine.
Love,
Jaymin

The Dangling Earring Principle

This morning as I got ready to go to work I realized I wanted to wear dangling earrings.

To the average woman this might not seem like a weird thing, but I really don't ever wear dangling earrings. It's not that I don't like them. On the contrary, I love dangling earrings. I think they look beautiful and have always envied women that wore them on a regular basis, but I've always felt like they were outside of my realm. That I would look silly wearing them.

This morning I realized that dangling earrings are just like hats: you have to have the confidence in order to pull them off. People really only look silly wearing a hat or dangling earrings or a giant necklace, whatever, when they feel like they look silly. I use to think I looked silly wearing baseball caps (and maybe some people still think I do), but I decided that I liked them and I was going to wear them no matter what. I've been happily wearing my Boston Red Sox cap ever since, and I don't feel silly wearing it. Actually there's a good portion of the time I feel strange for not wearing it.

I went into my room this morning and rummaged through my things and located a pair of earrings I've never worn before. In the past I never would have worn them because they're about and inch and a half long and big enough that you can't miss them. They're gold and have deep blue beads and what looks to be an old Greek coin dangling. I love them. I found them in a store several months back and never had the courage to wear them, so I put them away. Just the other night I found them again, and I was thrilled.

I wore them to work this morning, and though I was afraid someone would point to them and call me a fraud, nothing happened. In fact, it didn't take long before I forgot I was wearing them at all. They just felt like they should be there, and I felt a little extra boost of confidence all day. Like I was more of the beautiful girl I am or something. It may sound cheesy, but it really worked.

Maybe this will expand and I'll find myself a little more confidence in other areas too.

They look great, by the way. I'm going to have to wear them more often.

Confessions: Round 3

I know I've already done this, but I felt it was time to add to my confessions to you. This includes some confessions to myself to admit to the things that I just am not going to be here, now, or ever...even though I sometimes want to be:

First off, I will never be a super model. I will probably never be a size 10 even, but that will never stop me from trying to be in better shape than I currently am. I just need to accept my physical limitations and start appreciating myself for what I am.

I will never fully appreciate Thomas Pynchon the way my brother, David does. He's an incredible writer, but that doesn't mean I will ever go out and buy all his books to read for my own joy.

On the other hand, I will someday own the last 2 books of Rick Roirdan's The Olympians series because I could read the whole series every couple of months and be quite happy about it. I will also someday own the entire Harry Potter series because, let's face it, fantasy is good. And children's and young adult literature is sometimes far better than adults, and even if it's not, I enjoy it.

I will also never fully appreciate Nirvana, Rush, The Smashing Pumpkins, or most jazz, rock or punk as much as I would like to. I will, on the other hand, enjoy many, many country love songs, a variety of terrible hip-hop songs, and a lot of the Jonas Brothers' and Miley Cyrus' songs.

I don't plan to ever learn Spanish. Yes, there may be a chance I will someday, but only if it is unavoidable. I just don't find the language magical to my ears, and despite how "easy" it is supposed to be to learn, I struggled with it all through high school and still only understand a small variety of things. I am sorry to any and all of you who enjoy the language. I'm sure it is beautiful to many, but it doesn't ring true for me personally.

On the other hand, I will continue to save all my movie/theater/play/sports tickets in order to someday do some sort of strange art projects, and the same will be said of any fortunes from fortune cookies I collect.

Relationships, love, romance in general, fascinate me beyond measure even if I've had little experience with it on my own.

I believe that God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit are not the same being or a trinity of divine closeness of any kind. I believe that God is the father of Jesus. That God is divine and the only god. I believe that Jesus is God's son and was a mortal man. Not divine, but the man God used to save the world. I believe that the Holy Spirit is not a separate being unto itself. I believe it is God's holy power and that He uses it to work within us and through us.

I love sports and watching them, but I don't care if I miss games. Although, I really despise the Yankees because they have WAY too much money and the Patriots because they just never seem quite...uh...honest.

Yes...just a couple of errant thoughts.

Faucet

I am fascinated
by the words,
the winking
and all the inflection
it's like something
keeps dripping
drip, drip, drip
off your words and into my mind
like Chinese water torture for the soul

Nothing seems to hold you
or control you
or touch you

And all I want is to know
what it means
to take all the time necessary
to decode the language
of your soul

and then maybe I'll turn off the dripping faucet
and you'll realize
you don't have to hide anymore

Dream a Little Dream of Me

And I look to you,
your kind expression,
is this real?
I know it's crazy,
that I seem neurotic,
but I just need to know:
Are you a dream?

Perfection in the sunlight
your skin calls to my fingertips
Can I touch you?
You tell me that you've been up to a lot of nothing
and I revel in this,
you & me, quiet in the glittering light

As light fades,
your eyes seem to glow
a secret, a joy
and you tell me you love me

And I finally believe
you're real
and even better than any dream could be

One Way Sign

Favorite things of this very moment (5:58 pm CST):

• Iced sun tea
• The fan blowing on my back
• Headbands
• Knowing my friend Noel and I will be planning to get together again very soon
• Having my deposit check for my apartment ready to send out tomorrow
• Having my classes officially picked
• Having my payment plan worked out and sent off to be approved
• Sunshine
• My glasses (even if I do have a red line on the side of my nose)

Today has been good and a little bizarre. Worked this morning and got a lot done. Of course, little, if any, of it was really what I intended to work on today. Not a big deal though. This just means that I won't be out of work early any time soon, and that is very good news. I also made the decision today that I will be taking advantage of over time when it is available starting either tomorrow or Thursday (depending on how busy the office is). This will give me some extra and much needed cash. Much of which will probably go directly to college tuition.

I did get my classes picked out, my deposit stamped and ready to go into the mail tomorrow, and my payment plan worked out. I sent the payment plan in to have that approved. Hopefully they will get back to me in the next day or two and tell me that's all set up.

Then I also got to see an old friend, Noel, today. It was just lovely to sit and drink coffee with an old friend and hear about her kids and her life. I miss just listening to other people's stories. Plus spending time with other people always leads to the creation of more stories, and what's not to love about this. The best thing though today: talking to Noel was just as easy as it always has been. She's just as nice and funny as she was when we were growing up. And she understood my crazy decision to follow where the tug in my heart is telling me to go (Atlanta). I don't hear that nearly often enough, so it was a comfort.

Today has been lovely. Just another bit of confirmation that I'm headed in the right direction.