The Co-Worker & the Kleenex

At work today I was given the suggestion that I tell a co-worker to just bug off. This was a suggestion given to me by somehow who I feel is an incredibly kind person, but who has just the right amount of attitude. Plus, she'd been watching me get picked apart by someone who isn't even in charge of what I do for the better part of my morning. This is not an exaggeration. I wish it were.

Pretend for a moment that you've been working at a new job for exactly a month (yes, I have been there 1 month today). The first week you felt a little overwhelmed, but a great deal of that was just because you couldn't believe that no one really knew anything about the super-basic computer set up in your office and that everyone seemed overly amazed by the fact that you are a competent human being and decent at your job. The 2nd week was very similar, but you stopped feeling overwhelmed and just felt good about what you were doing. You'd made friends with your co-workers and all was right with the world. The 3rd week was a little strange simply because you were good enough at your job that you ran out of work. No one expected you to accomplish all you did or at least not nearly that quickly, but you are GOOD at your job.

Then the 4th week rolls around. You think you finally know what you're doing. Your supervisor loves you and is constantly teaching you new things about the business. You enjoy this, but another co-worker starts making you crazy. They've been there a few months, and they've got the system ironed out and understood. You, on the other hand, ask lots of questions. In every previous job you've ever had, asking questions has been very much encouraged. You like doing a good job, so you ask questions to do your best to make sure you understand exactly what people want from you.

The co-worker starts working their magic. It starts out by them correcting little things. This is fine, you want to do a good job, so you don't mind having them make suggestions that will make things go faster and make life easier for everyone. But then they start to amp that up. By the end of week 4 you want to pull your hair out or possibly their's. Every little thing you do is apparently not done up to their specifications. They're constantly trying to tell you that you need to do something their way when the way you're doing it works just as well and your supervisor has no problem with it. And then, my personal favorite, the one that for whatever reason pushed me over the edge of my limits today: Kleenex.

Now...I'm sure you're wondering how Kleenex can be what made me want to snap, but it's no joke. Anyone who knows me is aware that I like to keep Kleenex around. I tend to sneeze a lot and at this time of year it gets a little ridiculous, plus I was sick about a week ago, and my sinuses haven't exactly been perfect ever since. So today I am working not at my desk, but in the "office" because I was learning how to do more of our filing. This was fine, and I was doing well, but I realized I was going to sneeze so I asked my supervisor to hand me a Kleenex. She did so and then suggest that I just hold onto the box until I moved back to my desk. I didn't ask for this to happen, all I asked for was one Kleenex, but Christy (my supervisor) just thought it would be easier. She wasn't upset or put out by this, it was her idea (my emphasis will make sense in a minute).

This is fine. Nothing is thought of this transaction, and life moves on. I keep filing and working on stuff minding my own business because I already had been given enough work to last me all day. When I got done with the filing I told my coworker I was going to go start on the next project Christy had given me so that they would know where to find me if I was needed. My coworker says alright and then motions me aside and says, "Do you know where the Kleenex are?" They proceeded to let me know, I thanked them and said that I already had a box on my desk (which, by the way, I had brought in from home because I have never worked for a company that provides you were Kleenex boxes. Fancy), and they responds with, "Well, you need to get one for this desk (by which they meant the extra desk which I was only occupying because Christy put me there this morning) so that you don't have to take Christy's." Now, I realize this statement seems harmless enough, but they'd been picking at me all morning and they gave me a rather scathing look that made me feel like they were a) accusing me of office supply theft & b) that I should be pitied for my extreme selfish stupidity. I said alright and then left for my next task.

I wanted to strangle her. Now, I'm not much for swearing, but I can tell you right now that the clouded conversation I was having in my head for the next 10 minutes was filled with a lot of minor profanity and a great deal of anger. If it hadn't been for the fact that the pharmacists requested my help and presence for the next half hour or so, I very easily could have said something incredibly rude which would have gotten me into a lot of trouble or at least would have caused a bit too much drama for an already overly busy and hurried morning.

Honestly, Kleenex?

Sorry, I realize this is silly and that I should probably find a way to properly deal with this coworker instead of writing this frustrated, anonymous tirade against someone who probably hasn't figured out that they're picking me apart and making me hate my job (which angers me even more because I really do love this job when I'm not being bossed around every couple of minutes by someone who assumes that every mistake is my fault and that they need to micromanage all my work even though they aren't my boss or supervisor). Sadly, confrontation is not my strong point, and I'm not sure how to handle this. Usually my anger just slowly burns until it ignites something all at once, or I suddenly become ice and that burns in its own way. Neither are good, and trust me, no one wants that.

Suggestions? I'd happily take suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I don't want to become a jerk, I don't want to hate my job, and I don't want to be mean to this coworker. I just really want them to leave me be.

Now, I'll leave you with this:

Favorite Things of This Very Moment:

• The Last Olympian by Rick Roirdan
• Sunshine and 77 degree weather
• Ice tea
• OneRepublic

I wonder how long I'll let song lyrics say all my words for me.

It's just something I think about

when they're echoing, echoing

in the hollows of my heart

And the sound bounces around

like driftwood in the waves

pounds in my ears

like those same waves on the rocks

Do I live?

Or am I dying?

Somedays I struggle

to see the difference

Sunlight bathes me in gold

Still something in me feels cold

Why can't I react?

Is my heart still intact?

Because you tell me you miss me

Since when is that so?

You take me by surprise

but what's the motivation?

Perhaps you've finally realized

that I am magic and light

trying to escape into a world

of moonlight

Or perhaps it's fear

Soon I'll be far from this place

Who will you love, or more importantly,

who will love you?

Because I'll be learning something new

Far from you

in a place you can't reach

Maybe I'll forget you

Maybe then I'll speak my own words

not just this beautiful, rhythmic code

that always keeps me safe

from how I feel for you

I don't think there's anything worse than feeling helpless and hopeless.

Today I feel helpless. I'm watching someone I care deeply for hurt, and I'm just not sure what can be done to change that. I really wish, on a number of levels, that I could turn time back a little and see what might have been.

Although, I guess it's the "might have been's" and the "what if's" that are really the problem at the moment.

And I wonder, when will things change. People always say things will change when you least expect it. The thing is, that seems to make you sit and wait even more. Instead of causing you to walk away, that kind of statement just makes you hold on to that wish even harder, but this time you close your eyes.

Closing your eyes doesn't actually change anything. If just makes everything dark.

I'm going to just keep my eyes open. I'm going to watch for change because walking away doesn't seem to work. And I'm going to pretend those cliches aren't well known for real reasons.

Let's pretend the world is fresh and new and that everything really is as possible as you think it is when you're a kid.

Maybe that's what it takes to change.

Maybe.

Revolving Countdowns

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Favorite things of this very moment (3:10 pm CST):

• Chris Tomlin's spectacular worship songs
• Edna St. Vincent Millay's incredibly eloquent poetry that so often reaches in and pulls my heart back into rhythm with life
• Prayer

Yesterday was Kayla's graduation party. A good time was had by all. The weird thing was how many people had questions for me about my future and plans. I kind of wanted to tell them all that they should probably just focus on Kayla and leave me alone, but the thing is, most of them don't get to see me for more than a few fleeting moments anymore. I'm at work and then at home and few, if any, places in between. So I told them.

I'm trying to get myself financially capable to head to ABC in the fall. I received my notice that I'd been accepted to return, and now this week I'm supposed to plan out my class schedule. I'll probably major in Youth Ministry, and that I have no idea where I'll be heading after that.

I found out that my church is planning to "adopt" me to try and help support me a little financially. I was told it probably wouldn't be a lot of money, but it's something, and considering I hadn't even asked about this, that it hadn't even occurred to me to ask: I'm beyond grateful. Sometimes the people in my life really surprise me.

I also was grilled by a lady from our church who I'm pretty sure wishes I were more up to her standards so that she could induct me into her family and have me marry her oldest boy. I don't wear enough skirts, and I'm pretty sure the fact that I'm moving to Atlanta even though I don't know where they money will come from with no real future plans in place really impressed her... Although, this really isn't my issue. Her son doesn't talk to me, and as nice as she is, I'm completely intimidated by her and I hate wearing skirts. Not a good fit.

Plus, I feel led back to ABC. I'm going to finish what I started, darn it. I'm going to work to be the adult I want to be. The person I want to be, and I'm going to hit all the reset buttons in my heart, and see if being back at ABC might just help me get my head back in the game. I've been drifting the past few years, and I can't just wait forever. I need to make a move in a positive direction, and listen.

And as it was in the bulletin yesterday that the church board discussed my "adoption," I can no longer hide the fact that I'm intending to do this. Oddly, that frightens me more than most things. I'd been keeping it quiet because I'm tried of making plans that never come true, and I don't want this to happen again. I want to follow through.

I take it back, that wasn't the scariest part. The scariest part was having someone point out that moving back to ABC in August means that I'm moving in 3 months. From tomorrow actually...

I am scared to death. And the great thing? I'm walking headfirst into it. I'll take this leap of faith, and I'm just going to keep believing God will break my fall.

Don't Kill Yourself

Carlos, keep calm, love
is what you're seeing now:
today a kiss, tomorrow no kiss,
day after tomorrow's Sunday
and nobody knows what will happen
Monday.

It's useless to resist
or to commit suicide.
Don't kill yourself. Don't kill yourself!
Keep all of yourself for the nuptials
coming nobody knows when,
that is, if they ever come.

Love, Carlos, tellurian,
spent the night with you,
and now your insides are raising
an ineffable racket,
prayers,
victrolas,
saints crossing themselves,
ads for a better soap,
a racket of which nobody
knows the why or wherefore.

In the meantime you go on your way
vertical, melancholy.
You're the palm tree, you're the cry
nobody heard in the theatre
and all the lights went out.
Love in the dark, no, love
in the daylight, is always sad,
sad, Carlos, my boy,
but tell it to nobody,
nobody knows nor shall know.

-Carlos Drummond de Andrade
Translated by Elizabeth Bishop

End of Week 1

There's a can of Vanilla Coke next to me, and all I can think is that life will be alright.

I just survived my first week of work. That's right, I have a new job. I work at a pharmacy-ish place. We fill orders for places like nursing homes and long-term care facilities. I actually don't handle any of that, what I do is type. Lots and lots of typing. Lists, spreadsheets, mailing labels, faxes, memos, cover letters. Pretty much, if it needs retyped...I do it.

They seem to really love me. I keep having people tell me I do a wonderful job and that they're glad I'm there. I hope that continues.

I enjoy the people I work with. They immediately adopted me. Everyone is really nice and they all like to talk to each other all the time. There's a pair of ladies that remind me a lot of Nikky and I because they're hilarious and you can tell they're best friends. They just crack me up. The really great thing about the pharmacy? Kayla works there too. I get to see her for at least a couple of minutes 3 days a week, and that's nice. It's always good to have a few minutes to see people you love.

What I'm not sure of though is whether or not I'll screw up my time card. I've dealt with time clocks before and that doesn't bother me, but I'm worried I'll forget to enter my time at some point. I mean, most of the time I cut my breaks short because that's the kind of person I am, but still...

Whatever the case, I'm sure this job will be fine. It will get me heading back to ABC. Oh yes. And that is something worth working for.

In the meantime, I'm going to drink my Vanilla Coke and listen to Top Christian Radio on AOL Radio because Mom left it up at Dynamic (which is where I will be spending the next couple hours because I came straight here from the pharmacy), and they've been playing some really amazing stuff. I forget that so much of it can truly be amazing and worth listening to because our local Christian station is ultra-cheesy and I can't stand it. Christian music should be incredible and full of truth and meaning and passion, not just some cheesy clapping tune, but that's another story.

Life is good. God is good. I have a job. Now, we just need to find one for Nikky and one for Heather.

You are love, you know.

Love,
J

The Wine Glass, the Candle, and I

My purple wine glass sits
it's filled only with water
even ice has abandoned me
just the wineglass left
and the water

the candle flickers
and I know it gives off scent
one I would love,
but I cannot smell it

These things feel like an echo
I can see the flicker of passion
but cannot be warmed by it
And my heart and my body hold ready
the ache to be filled
but I stand waiting
filled like a wine glass of water
without even the tinkling of ice
against the sides