(63) Find Home

I don't want to be

packing up boxes & heading out

headed north or headed south

I just want to put down boxes

& pull up my flag

& be able to say

This is home

(62) Be Happy

It's odd when you realize

your similarities are differences

& even though you had to walk--

No run--

away

doesn't mean everyone does

& maybe if you'd just be honest--

you needed the time,

you needed to matter--

this could be different

because there's nothing wrong

with wanting to be happy

You just need to stop forgetting that

(61) Lights

Sometimes long days

turn into long nights

No light ahead,

no end in sight

I will not give up

though the tide

turns against me

because there is still

love & there's light shining somewhere

I hold to my faith

that these dreams 

do come true

because it matters to me

& they'll shine for you too

(60) Sick Day

About a million Kleenex later

some DayQuil & all

Still not feeling better

sneezing, but hopeful

my aim is off, but tissue is soft

& a good nights sleep should help

Here's to hoping anyway

(59) Paths of Progress

My mind keeps reminding me

like a panic button, an alarm,

that the next stage of life

new change

is fast approaching

& I look around this room

& I know I have not a clue

what I'm doing

Is this when I become an adult

or am I just getting points

for progress?

This isn't to say

that this isn't my path

but rather that I'm not sure how to walk it

Do I run?

Or should I amble?

Maybe just change it up as I go

I know I'll over think it, 

but you never know

My hope is just to find

steady hands along the way

& friends that,

even when I stumble,

will always, always stay

So I'll take another deep breath

& start another day

packing up & visiting

those I love along the way

Because though this is all crazy,

it will all work out fine

You'll be fine

It will all be okay

(58) Some Nights

Some nights

there are no words to write

& none of the words rhyme

& all I have is time 

(57) Rainbow

Few things in life

make you feel so alive

as being acknowledged

by your favorite author

anyone who paints

--truly paints--

a picture with words,

who can summon those feelings

in just one short sentence

to awaken the cathartic flood

of my deep & lonely soul

it's a pleasure beyond belief

& makes me strive for new dreams

in hopes that someday

in the not so distant future

someone will be falling in love

with my words too

(56) Dive

There's a funny falling feeling

when you're looking at the edge

I inch forward & see

this whole vast wide future

staring up at me

the colors & the winds

stirring up my hopes & dreams

tugging my heart

& pulling me closer to the ledge

Here's where I learn to fly

spread my wings,

deep breath,

& dive

(55) Future & Hope

Sometimes I see you

You show up at work 

You're the extra sweet guy with

the kind eyes & dark hair

Sometimes you're the one good comment on my blog

the guy that sent me a book

& asked "How is your heart?"

You're the one who shows up 

in my favorite dreams 

the one who wraps his arms around me

& misses me when we've apart

You are the hope

I still have

of a future waiting

& someone to come home to

Who is coming home to me

(54) To Action

No more talking. 

Listen. 

Stop comparing your life

to everyone else. 

You're you. Not anyone else. 

Stop talking. 

Stop thinking. 

Do it. Just do it. 

To action. 

(53) So it Begins

I walk into this room

I eye the cheerful mess

the weird balance of color 

the quotes written out on the walls

& I realize this is home

a home I'm going to leave

Sure I'm off for adventures

& this move is my next big step

but what if I fall?

What if I fail?

I'm seeing that this time 

there's no net

& I wonder if I am really ready for this

I guess every high wire act

has to pass the test

eventually it just doesn't change the fact

that I'm scared of diving in

Tomorrow I'll pack another box

& check off more from my to do list

I'll fake it till I make it

because eventually it won't feel

like I'm just fooling everyone

Maybe someday soon,

I'll open my eyes

& realizing this is me

standing on my own 2 feet

So it begins

(52) Beloved Aggravation

He's such a beloved aggravation. 

How do you live a contradiction?

He's my soul inside out,

my musical soulmate,

my best friend

But every step we take closer

seems to require another brick

built in the wall

that separates our hearts

He says he's lonely,

but he won't say a word to me

all he has to do is stretch out a hand

I'm always within reach

Maybe we're a paradox

or perhaps we're working on a comedic equation

because we seem to be tragedy plus time

Who can really say

He & I circle this question

& where our hearts lie

We'll shore up our hearts

with whatever broken bits fall off

of one another's hearts

Never alone, but always lonely

There's got to be a place

we can meet in between

(51) Not Over

Some nights I wish

I could reach across the miles

in an instant

& remind you that this story

isn't over yet

the world is full mixed signals

& changing paths

we're far from who we

seem to be

(50) Most Beautiful

There's nothing quite so beautiful

as a room full of people

you love

laughing so hard

together 

that they're in tears

especially

when you're laughing along

with them

(49) Expectations vs. Reality

I'm tired of building my life

around the hopes of somedays

I'm tired of waiting

for everyone else to make their decisions

so I can just keep trying to live my life

I'm tired of being disappointed

because every time I

get my hopes up --

even in little things --

it all comes crashing down

Is this growing up?

Realizing sometimes a dream

is just a dream

or that sometimes hope

is just a wish that isn't coming true...

I miss days of simple wishes

where expectations met reality

Please God bring those days back to me

or show me how to dream

& find the strength 

to make it my reality

(48) Funeral Plans

When I die, please make pie
have a party
dance all night
love each other
Don't slow down
Don't give in
Remember me
with unsweet tea
reread my letters
in every letter, every line
is an I love you

(47) Table Saw

Nothing quite like starting your day
waking up to the sound of a
table saw directly above
your bed.
It's like Tom Hanks' nightmare
in The Burbs
all saws through walls
& erratic sleep

Erratic sleep, erratic day
suppose that's the kind of thing
one should expect
when the day starts that way
But now I lay my
head to rest
hoping for sleep &
all the best
wishing that my alarm
will wake me & not
another saw in the morning

(46) Bitter

After you answer a phone to a crying voice
& realize you're hearing a breaking heart...
you start hearing the echo
in your own words
in your own broken soul
I don't want to feel bitter
this was supposed to be something we could work through
you listen & you realize...
this is your heart too
You don't want this broken bitterness
& your heart stuck in a self-destructive repeat
but the pain is still real
these wounds aren't just skin deep

so you comfort the tired voice
at the other end of the line
you pray for their mending heart
you wish them the better ending
the one you never got
because your stories follow these
parallel story lines
& you almost forgot
that a story like this can still have a happy ending

Their's will end better
Their heart is still beating right
& you actually believe it
when you hear yourself saying
it will all be alright

It will all be alright
It will all be alright

(45) Someone to Love

Nada Surf lyrics keep playing through head

To find someone to love

you gotta be someone to love

is that why I'm still alone?

Am I not someone to love yet?

(44) Never Meant to be Alone

The truth of it,

the crux of the matter,

is that I'm reaching out 

my hand in the dark

& I'm praying 

you're reaching out too

We're not meant to be 

alone

We should never feel 

alone in a room full of people

or lost amongst people we love

Don't assume I don't feel joy

over new marriages, jobs, houses, babies

or that I'm not glad

your life is going well

My happiness doesn't change my joy for you

it just tints the view of my accomplishments & dreams

Depression isn't a foreign concept

I was just hoping

I'd shored myself up this time

that I was strong enough

to fight this alone

but I'm not

No, I'm not drowning

& I can still see the stars,

but I need new focus

new hope

Renew my spirit, LORD

Show me the hand to hold

the safe places & harbors

you've blessed me with

& a light so I'm never

alone 

(43) Tripping my Own Heart

It's pretty bad

When you're the one

tripping up your own heart

How do I grow?

Where do I go from here?

Your new life seems happy

buying houses

thinking about starting a family

Your wife inserting your name into conversations 

Is it sick to still wish

I knew

if even for a single moment

you thought about

picking me?

I just wish I could understand

why I never had a chance

Am I not pretty enough?

Or thin enough?

Is it because I really can't dance?

What's my fatal flaw?

Or did I throw it away 

when I didn't give you a full answer

that night in the car?

Or kiss you that day you backed me into a wall to talk?

Apparently I'm neurotic 

& obsessive,

but I still wish I could tie up

these loose ends

in more than just my dreams

Soon you'll see my face again

hopefully,

even with my heart on my sleeve, 

when you look through me

You'll see a better woman

than the one I use to be

(42) Odd Duck

Odd duck is what I am

Never quite fitting right

Not even my body is normal

with the O Negative blood, the PCOS, the pancreatitis, the back bending knees

And what of my heart?

I'm an introvert & an INFJ

Rare, rare, rare

I love Shakespeare & Star Wars

I crochet & bake pies & write handwritten letters

So much about me

is a little odd

I've come to accept my weird & my good

I'll never be conventional

or exactly what you might expect

I'll never leave you quite the same

When our paths cross & intersect

I hope you see

that I'm not the only one

with surprises & secret worlds

inside of me

each one of us is beautiful & brilliant 

& odd

in our own ways

Let's embrace it

& become a cheerful flock 

of all the odd ducks

(41) Mom

Nothing quite so good

as hearing your voice

at the other end of the line

when I've been worrying

about you

You keep me inspired,

going, hoping

you're my voice of reason

& the soother of my storms

I can't lose that,

can't lose you

Please be healing

& I'll be moving on,

growing up,

& making you proud

Thanks for being you, Mom

(40) Soon.

Sure enough,

you break my heart

I really just want

a hand to hold &

your lips to kiss

It won't be long

before your arms

are around me

& you're laughing with me

I'll give you a list

of my favorite things

most of the list will be you

(& maybe tea)

Pumpkin cider & blankets

laughter on this couch

time marches forward

& I still can't wait to meet you. 

You gorgeous creature

my dreams are filled with you

(39) Help Me Let Go

God, let me let this go

a full 2 years (...3?)

of bitterness 

all for something--

someone 

I can't ever have

What's the point 

of holding on

to loneliness

when it's a love 

that will only kill me

slowly,

painfully,

& I don't want to

seem heartless

but holding on...

Holding on any longer

with this death grip,

white knuckles,

clenched stomach,

it just hurts

Who would choose this?

This love sick life,

I tell myself I'm fine

that this is over 

I'm not still splinters

of who I wanted to be,

but I let it come to this

So break me open

call me out

tear off the callouses 

& clean up these wounds

They've been open too long

Help me, Lord

help me escape

& heal this stupid,

broke, angry, hurt heart

Because until its cleaned out

I'm never gonna be happy 

Never gonna be helpful 

Never gonna give or get

real love,

true love

Help me, Lord

help me to save

this heart, to

save me

(38) Those Who Risk

Everyone seems to think

that I'm an adult

but I'm beginning to

suspect it's a lie

You believe in me

all you want, but

I make no guarantees

My plans tend to fail

possibly from lack of planning

but certainly

with lack of faith

It's just easier

sometimes

to not strive for things

or dreams

because the crashing down

of disappointment feels

somewhat beyond inevitable

Those who risk

win

that's clearly not my motto,

but it should be

No regrets, right?

Maybe I need to watch

Meet Joe Black with tea

& cry

& remember who I use to be

Then let the past collide

with the present

singing The Longest Time

& become the best bits

of me

The ghost should say good night

It's time 

(37) You've Already Got My Heart

Each time I think about it
I can't stop smiling
having you handed to me
your tiny perfect fingers curled
around my finger
I've never quite experienced
what it felt like
to hold you
In my hearts vast space
you can have whatever room
you'd like

(36) Love. New. Love.

Strained eyes & leather couches
waiting, waiting, waiting
pink visitors pass & one finished book
pages of texts, updates, etc.
Still no baby
2 days of this?
3 more hours & we'll hit 48
Maybe October babies
really are marathon babies
I think I'll have my
babies in the spring
that way I can dress up
as the Death Star for Halloween
& eat extra stuffing & Mom's mashed potatoes
& no one will judge me

But waiting.
Waiting for news
or a nurse
or sleep
or a new niece
At least the wait will be worth it
when I get to hold this new light
in my arms
She's mine
Maybe not blood,
but my family all the same
This is looney,
but I couldn't be more cheerful
our new heartbeat
born into this world
I'm already in love

(35) Melody & Malachi

Time seems to expand
& shrink
in the presence of such immense
change
New life coming in to the world
hearing brand new heart beats
is a sound I'll never grow tired of
such a comfort to know
pure things, new things
can still exist & endure
Welcome little ones
Welcome home

(33) Face Your Fear

There's nothing
quite so terrifying
as having someone you love
cheerfully inform you
that you're about to face down fear
Maybe they don't see the
terror in your eyes
or maybe they're excitement overrules
Whatever the case,
whatever the cause,
you'll be staring it down by weeks end
your best friend reminds you
to breathe
a lot
Lots of deep breaths
& make yourself tea
(maybe we would do better in the U.K.)

And I've done all this
& I'll see it through,
but I still don't know
how I'm ever to face

You