Dross

Sometimes, I'm realizing, you just have to be pushed to realize your correct direction. I've been watching people a lot lately (not that there's ever been much of a time where this wasn't a common occurrence), and I've been thinking about this. I think trials are what make us who we really are.

There's a song that we use to sing all the time at church, of course it's name escapes me at the moment, but it went something like this, "Start a fire in me/Let the flames run free/Burn away the dross/Holy fire of God." This song went on for an eternity, but it did capture my imagination. Sometimes we are truly given a trial by fire. You experience a major tear in a relationship, you heart is broken, you or someone you love becomes seriously ill or injured, someone you love dies, people decide to turn there lives completely out of moral reality...

Sometimes life pushes us to our very edge. It's in these times of loneliness, brokenness, solitude, that we realize who and what we really are. When we're stripped bare of all our extras, of all the things we thought we needed, all of what we believe we were, only to realize that what's left behind after tragedy is new growth...

We a stronger. We, the broken, are the courageous ones if only we are willing to stand back up.

A friend of mine has been alone for years. He's a great, loving, God-fearing guy with a ridiculous sense of humor, but he's been alone. Earlier this year, he told me that he'd come to terms with the fact that he'd probably be alone for the rest of his life. He'd decided that even if he never found the girl of his dreams, that was okay, because he finally knew who he was. And that's when I started to see knew growth. He'd been stripped of his dreams, and it wasn't that he'd lost hope, he'd gained perspective and wisdom that I still can't comprehend. His patience and joy in the midst of frustrating times are truly inspiring. Even though he'd been alone for so long...there is a happy ending, because, he's recently fallen in love. He's found himself a wonderful girl, and I genuinely hope that this is the one.

Life has a funny was of coming back around. I guess the best plan is to keep living each moment for the best, and in the end...it works out.

Twenty-Three

Favorite Things of this very Moment (10:05 am CST):

• Rockstar Roasted Coffee & Energy: light vanilla
• "Second Hand Lions" on DVD
• Sunshine & perfect temperatures
• Black tank tops
• Dark, glossy, vampirical nail polish...ha.
• Happy cats enjoying the sunshine and weather right along with me
• Being 23
• Giraffe's
• Michael Caine's questionable southern accent (it's alright, but it wavers)

Yesterday was my 23 birthday. I have a policy with birthdays. It's a self-preservation policy. I don't make a big deal about my birthday. In fact I try to have virtually no expectations for it. As sad as it may sound, I firmly believe that they less I expect, the better the day will be. I don't like being the center of attention, but it's painful to be forgotten.

It was a beautiful day. I was incredibly lazy. I went and picked up breakfast and went to visit Mom. I made the crust for my birthday pie (I like being a little unconventional), used the peanut butter cookie dough Mom & I picked up to make some cookies, and made wonderful sun tea. Mmm...

Kayla stopped by yesterday and brought me some completely beautiful flowers. They smell wonderful. Few things in life are sweeter than the simple pleasure of being given flowers. I don't know why this is...but it makes you feel good.

Dan came by to talk and brought me a Rockstar. It's quite tasty. I'm enjoying it right now. Mmm...

I even came home to eat Zucchini pie (is there anything better?) and then for dessert a delicious piece of peanut butter pie (Nik, I'm putting that recipe in your notebook shortly).

The only damper on the day? David wasn't home at all yesterday night. At least not after I came home from work. Apparently he'd forgotten it was my birthday until Mom mentioned it at supper and he felt bad. I don't care if he got me a gift, that's not an issue, but I did miss having him around to have pie with. Is it silly that this made me so sad? Having Mom, Dad, Dave, and the boys around is really the only part of my birthday I ever count on. Simple as it is, having them all around to have dessert with is really my favorite part.

*sigh* Whatever, I guess.

Then again, talking to Nikky last night really made up for it in spades. Getting to talk to your best friend is truly a wonderful thing. Of course, it really didn't hurt that she had the fantastic Sham-Wow story for me. Did you know the Sham-Wow guy was recently put in prison for assault? He was repeatedly punching a prostitute because she wouldn't let go of his tongue...come on...seriously? Wow. But honestly, I adore Nikky, and talking to her made the day end perfectly.

Honestly, my birthday was lovely. Nothing fancy and overblown, but the people I love love me. For this I am grateful.

Ecstatic albiet Strange

Favorite things of this very moment (10:51 pm CST):

Runaway Bride" on VHS (I need to get a DVD copy, this VHS is old and it's starting to show)

Chocolate syrup (even if it isn't super high quality)

Seeing my final grades

http://www.thelongestway.com/ (I just find this guy fascinating)

http://www.xkcd.com/ (The world's best webcomic...at least in my humble opinion)

That I'll be 23 in less than 2 hours

The perfect temperature of this evening...glorious

So tonight you'll find me sitting in front of my computer with a glass of milk watching (depending on the moment) either "Runaway Bride" or watching a YouTube video of the Rocky Theme that K-boo sent me several months back that I just forgot about and just realized was still in my inbox this evening while being insanely excited about my final grades.

I passed! Not only did I get the A I expected from my HSV 270 class, but I also managed to pass with a C in my math class! Do you know what this means? That I don't have to take any more math. That should have covered my requirement for math for college! This is the best news I've had in the LONGEST time! No more math! Ah ha! YES! I ran and scared my parents as they're trying to get ready for bed by being overly excited about having passed, but they understood. This was something I've been worried about all semester, and this is the only time I've passed a math class since entering college (pathetic but true). It's just an incredibly exhilirating feeling knowing that I'm done! My mom's reaction: "Congradulations! Happy birthday!" haha...yes. It will be! :)

The only thing that could make this better: Nikky being here. I know this isn't exactly a possible thing right now (we need a teleportation device, I really need to convince Ben that this should be his engineering/genius focus, either that or we need to become billionaire's instantly so that we can own a private jet and shuttle ourselves back and forth constantly...or maybe we should just live together...oh wait...that's what we'll do this coming year...haha), but it would be awesome. This is when cellphones, the internet, and other modern convienences come in handy. :)

Life is good tonight.

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Ann Arbor, MI

This will sound random, well, because it is more than anything else, random, but, never the less, I think if Nikky and I weren't moving to SC, we should move to Ann Arbor, MI. Now, my reason is a serious bit shallow, but I'm going to go with it: Borders 1 is there. Now, let's think about this a bit. If Borders 1 is in Ann Arbor, this means that whenever they do musicians or promote new books or movies, that's where they are. Borders 1 is the reason I knew who Paolo Nuatini was initially. I just finished watching a clip of when Wes Anderson and Jason Schwartzman were there promoting "The Darjeeling Limited," and all I could think was how incredible it would be to live in a place where you would actually get to see amazing musical acts and celebrities on a regular basis...just by being in a bookstore. Wow. Mind blowing a little bit.

Alright. That's really all I wanted to say.

Oh, that and I have cousins that live in Ann Arbor and my Aunt Maxine taught at a college there...that couldn't hurt.

Just a ponderable thought.

Moments in my Day

Favorite things of this very moment (11:33 am CST):

• http://xkcd.com/
• Sunshine and just the right amount of wind that moves and brushes over everything making you feel warm, but never hot
• Knowing that Rockstar is $0.99 at Super-Valu
• Planning to go have lunch with Kimmieboo, Jessie, and Dan
• Knowing that Dustin has been warned that I'll hang him upside down and throw rocks at him if I have to, so he has no excuses
• Getting to talk to old friends
• iTunes
• "The Italian Job" on DVD (the original with Michael Caine)
• Virtually anything Dave Barry says...he just makes me smile
• "Paid to Get Excited" by Butch Walker

Today is one of those days were you should spend all of it outside in the sunshine so that your skin gets a shade darker, your hair gets a bit golder, and you feel like you've gotten enough vitamin D to last you through the next patch of clouds and rain, but instead you find yourself inside blasting Taylor Swift off your home computer while you check your email, facebook, and write in your blog. Strange...

What does it mean, exactly, when you find yourself wanting to write poems to someone's hands? Not because you're particularly fond of this person's hands...well maybe you are, but more because they seem to dislike them so much.

Oh who knows.

I'm doing a horrible job, by the way, of sticking to any promise I make. The only promise I seem to be able to keep is avoiding sex, which isn't hard considering there's no one interested in me and there's no one I'm interested, so there's not as much challenge in that as most other things. Is that a horrible thing to say? Ugh.

All I'm saying is that although today is perfect, I'm still not able to look at myself and go, alright, we're doing this.

I need to find something to truly work towards. Something that will actually make me WANT this. Beyond worry that I'll never get to have my own kids.

Ugh, seriously, I have a million good reasons, why does this seem so hard? Probably because it's actually a real challenge, and I'm a bit of a weenie. Go figure.

Well, in the words I've found myself uttering a million times to so many different people and situations, man up.

Let's do this. :)

Jibberish: A Series of Thoughts & Letters

"I have the right to do anything--but I will not be mastered by anything." - I Corinthians 6:12

I don't ever want to become someone who goes somewhere just because alcohol is available. I don't want to become someone who has to work 2 or 3 jobs to pay off debts resulting from my own silliness or because someone left me. I don't want my diet to become nothing more than diet Coke, yogurt, and granola bars. I don't want to become desperate and think I'm in love with any guy who smiles at me. I don't want to be in my late 40's chasing after attractive young single fathers in their mid- to late 20's thinking, with some kind of insanity, that it will work out. I don't want to marry someone only to have them basically use me as a cover for the fact there's something wrong with them or they just "need" to be with me or they're just desperate or bored or just because I'm convenient or available.

What I want is to believe that with or without the love of some guy, I'll be alright. To be able to work at one job I love and help others in some way. To find a way to be debt free (except for occasional credit card purchases that will be paid off as soon as possible or when holding a manageable mortgage for a house that fits my needs and/or the needs of my family). To be able to look at myself in the mirror without cringing. To believe in myself.

I want to be happy.

"I want to err on the side of compassion." - Terrence Raper

A verse to remember when struggling:

"Flee from sexual immorality...You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." - I Corinthians 6:18-20

I think this is a great verse, not only for avoiding sexual sin, but also for my overeating.

This body isn't mine. It belongs to God. I was bought for a price and therefore I must do the right thing and avoid the temptation to simply eat whatever I want whenever I want or when I'm lonely or aching. Instead, I need to do the right things and eat when I am hungry, not just anytime I feel like it.

"Don't ever again say that you're not 'valuable,' Antanasia. Or not beautiful. Or, for god's sake, 'fat.' when you get the urge to indulge in such ridiculous, misplaced self-criticism, remember yourself at this moment." -Lucius Vladescu, Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side

Every woman needs a man to tell her that. To let her know she's worth it. To help her see that it's more important to have a presence than to be a toothpick or blend in with every other girl. Be who you are. Be what you truly are. You're beautiful today, you were beautiful yesterday, and you'll be beautiful tomorrow. Never doubt it, never forget it. Stand tall and be proud of you. You're beautiful.


Favorite things of this very moment (12:24 pm CST):

• Burgundy colored nail polish
• Every Man's Battle
• Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side
• "Dudley Do-Right" on DVD...it makes me smile. So silly.
• Notebooks to fill with bizarre junk for your best friend
• Getting the phone numbers you need
• Finally having a good idea of how I am going to do my paper/presentation for HSV 270
• Quotes
• Books, I love books
• Sunshine the color of gold dripping across every thing inside and out
• That today is another day I can choose to make good decisions and do what's right

The Covenant

Back in July of last year, I went to FUEL. For anyone who doesn't know, this is the national youth gathering every year for the Church of God of the Abrahamic Faith. This past year, I took a class called "Overcoming the Darkness" which was taught by an amazing couple from Kokomo, IN named Dale & Julie Bliss. Dale is the pastor at the church their in Kokomo, and Julie is deeply involved with the ministry.

These two never beat around the bush.

This particular class was about addictions and overcoming addictive behaviors. It was all about owning up to what is going on in your life, facing those demons, and learning how to overcome them. At the beginning of the week, Dale gave us a sheet of paper outlining a covenant. He told us to seriously consider what the paper said, and then, if we felt we were truly committed to this change in our lives, that we should sign it. He also said we should only do this after a serious amount of consideration and prayer.

Do you know what a covenant truly is? It isn't a contract. Contracts are made so that there is an out clause. A way to escape the promise you've made, contracts are not necessarily permanent. Covenants are different. In biblical times, if you entered into a covenant, you entered into it with your life as forfeit. Covenants were made in blood. They were permanent. Death was the only out to a covenant. That's why marriages are supposed to be covenant relationships. (That's why part of the marriage ceremony includes the words "till death do us part.")

The following is the Covenant that Dale gave us to consider:

The Overcomer's Covenant in Christ

I place all my trust and confidence in the Lord and I put no confidence in the flesh.

I know that I cannot save myself, nor set myself free. God has provided a way of escape.

I consciously and deliberately choose to submit to God and resist the devil.

I choose to humble myself before the mighty hand of God that He may exalt me at the proper time.

I declare the truth that I am dead to sin, freed from it and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

I gladly embrace the truth that I am now a child of God--unconditionally loved and accepted.

I reject the lies of the enemy and seek the truth that has the power to set me free.

I declare that sin shall no longer be master over me; and there is no more guilt or condemnation.

I renounce every unrighteous cry of my body.

I declare that I am no longer conformed to this world; I am transformed by the renewing of my mind.

I commit myself to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

I commit myself to God's great goal for my life to conform to His image in Christ Jesus.

I know that I will face many trials, but God has given me the victory.

I am not a victim--I am an overcomer in Christ.

I, Jaymin Louise (not Louise) Cheatwood, signed this covenant on July 31, 2008. Tonight I am recommitting to it's words and meaning. Fully. I am not perfect, and I will screw up, but I am going to do my best to live up to the words of this covenant. Not contract, covenant. This is binding. This is permanent. This is in blood. Please help me with this. Please pray that I will make the best decisions, not just the ones I feel are easy. I want to live up to this.

Beyond this, today has been wonderful. The weather was gorgeous, and it found me walking to the grocery store first thing this morning to get myself some caffeine. I got my homework done, did Pilate's, got some laundry and chores taken care of, and I worked on some reading and letters I've been meaning to do. I even got to talk to Nikky and draw with the sidewalk chalk she gave me when she was here visiting. All I can do is ask for more days like today. Days where I get up with the right attitude, and do my best to behave and stand by my promises.

I can do this, but it's going to be rough.

As I'm doing this, the next question is this: What can I do for you? Can I help you somehow? How can I encourage you?

Lastly tonight, I've been forgetting the most important part of my posts a lot lately: the favorite's list, so let's make up for that, eh?

My Favorite Things of This Very Moment (10:01 pm CST):

• Sidewalk chalk (Thank you, Nikky!)
• Good memories
• Being able to walk around outside without my shoes
• A&W Cream Soda
• Sunshine
• A working vehicle
• Being able to type this entire post while sitting in the comfort of my burnt orange overstuffed arm chair in my bedroom from the new laptop (woohoo! Nik, this thing is fantastical...honestly, wireless being picked up in my bedroom? Who doesn't love that?)
• David Crowder
• Borrowed books

Good night, my friends. I hope you have a fantastic night and that you find all the strength and joy you need to face tomorrow and live it to the very best, I mean, it's a Friday, what's lovelier than that?