The Fickle Hell-Beast

Favorite things of this very moment:

• Borders
• Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
• Jane Austen books (and the movies made from)
• Eyeliner
• New shampoo & conditioner
• Edward Cullen (and all pictures thereof)
• Jacob Black
• New books
• When Jay and I trade books
• "An Obscure Permanence" by Metasomatic

Recently Forrest was talking and he called something, I honestly don't remember what it was, a "fickle hell-beast." That...totally cracked me up. That term...it's brilliant. The question that when through my head then was: relationships.

What's more ridiculous and tormenting that dealing with the opposite sex? Seriously. Just think about it. Is there anything more tormenting (short of actual physical pain and suffering) than the struggles dealt with by those in love (or trying to head in that general direction)? I can't think of any. I think heartbreak is where the whole fickle hell-beast thing really shows it's true colors.

As my momma likes to say, "Love isn't just blind...it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid." We walk right into the open jaws of that monster, and many times we walk there willingly. What fools we mortals truly are...

Just a point to ponder.

Tormented

Favorite things of this very moment (10:17 am CST):

• New poetry to read from friends
• Sunshine
• New Moon by Stephanie Meyers
• Knowing I have one solid job and a paycheck coming tomorrow
• My cell phone
• Comfy pj's

I got back from Heather's on Monday night and just sat on the front porch for a long time staring up at the moon. Somehow my world felt like it was crashing again. I wish I could say that was unusual, but my brain and heart like to have violent reactions one a regular basis, apparently Monday night was no exception.

I had spent most of my afternoon on Monday rereading Twilight while listening to Metasomatic's cd. I was already on edge. I spent 4 hours at work zoning out and trying to understand all that had happened over the course of the last week. I just couldn't get my mind around it, and then I go to Heather's and watch "27 Dresses" (which was cute, cheesy, and incredibly predictable) which somehow just seemed to remind me that I've allowed my life to really slide right off track. Too much focusing on all the wrong things. It was virtually the tipping point.

So...we're back where we started, my front porch. I spent quite awhile just trying to frame my state of mind. God and I had another one of our long heart to hearts where I try to put my feelings into some kind of coherent mess of words. I'm glad He knows what I mean.

It's just very frustrating. You spend so much time with someone and they give you all these wonderful feelings and little cues that make you think that maybe, just maybe, this time it will be different. That you're not so crazy after all and maybe, just maybe, they might actually care for you.

But the truth is...I just don't know.

And I guess it's that uncertainty which is going to pull me right back into curling up and reading books for most of today and pretending that I understand anything at all about life or love or anything. Maybe I'll hear my answer if I listen hard enough...or at least get myself out of the way so that God actually has a chance to speak to me. Let's hope.

Nothing Better

Favorite things of this very moment (12:01 pm CST):

• The above picture of Edward Cullen...*sighs*
• That Nikky is going to here TOMORROW
• Making boxes of bizarritey for people
• Fans
• Honest emails
• That a tree branch still hasn't landed on my car despite the many times and opportunities for that very event to happen recently during the crazy storms
• UHF and other completely ridiculous movies...

I've spent the past hour looking for pictures of Edward Cullen. I've managed to keep from reading most of the stuff about Twilight so far. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to go before I completely freak out. That movie should already be out in theaters. I so badly want to see it. So badly.

Nikky will be here tomorrow. This is good. Very good. Plus that means someone will be around who actually understands my deep and undying love of all things Twilight related. Oh yeah...it's going to be great. There will be bubble blowing, Twilight discussions, side walk chalk art, bad dancing, and so much more. It will be a totally amazing worthwhile experience.

Sadly...I have absolutely nothing valuable to say, so I'll leave you with this last bit of wisdom:

Baby Fish Mouth!

Prequel to Summer

Favorite things of this very moment (3:18 pm CST):

• Contacts
• Eye liner/mascara
• Sun tea
• Books that make me think (ex: The Princess by Lori Wick)
• The "Heartbreaker" cd by Ryan Adams
• Boxes of bizzarity
• Tall attractive men calling me in the middle of the night to make sure I know I am not forgotten and to be a wonderful listener
• Paxton Laurent...that little one is my favorite
• Having a due day (Jan. 30) to look forward to for my newest little niece/nephew (SWEETNESS!)
• Blueberry scented bubbles
• Bookshelves of books I still get to read
• Kayla & Terrence's engagement

I have decided that this summer is not allowed to disappoint me. I refuse to be let down again. Yes, there will be times where I want to cry and scream and throw things (and I will throw things, it's just what I do), but over all, I refuse to believe that this summer could be anything less than extraordinary.

First, there's a baby blanket to make. A green one. Josh and Jenny are having their first little one. It's due on Jan. 30! Woohoo! I get to be an aunt, and I am excited. I'll be spoiling this little one. Oh yeah.

Second, Kayla and Terrence are now engaged. They got engaged last week at a Cubs game (the cubs won...party. Bonus). I am thrilled. Terrence is definitely the right man for her, and I know I won't have to worry about him taking care of her or her taking care of him. They're going to be happy, and life will be wonderful.

My summer is going to be full of bubble blowing (which is my plan for my evening), front porch talks, learning some guitar, ice tea, great books (I'll be re-reading the Twilight series very soon), lovely evening walks, star gazing, sidewalk chalk, visits from Nikky, FUEL, much talking to tall wonderful men (err...man), flowers, bad dancing, singing loudly, and general good times.

Oh yes, it will be a good summer.

Twenty-Two

Favorite things of this very moment (3:29 pm CST):

• Multiple emails from Jay
• Getting birthday wishes
• Being able to use my sunglasses
• Being able to see more than 10 ft
• Coffee with vanilla soy milk, sugar, and cinnamon in it
• John Mayer (in all his various forms)
• Talking to Nikky and having her help me decide on which kind of Milano cookies would work best for my pie-ish-thing recipe
• Justin Masterman putting together a benefit concert for the Callaways (he is a wonder)
• New music
• Sweet/Sappy birthday cards
• Knowing Josh, Jen, Kyle, Angie, and Nathan will be here tomorrow night
• Creating bracelets out of pieces of yarn that are so pretty I can't find a reason to throw them away
• Contacts
• Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austin (in all it's print and media and take-off forms)
• Collin Firth
• Graph paper notebooks
• The "Twilight" movie trailer (http://www.imdb.com/video/trailer/vi2380464409/)

Today I am 22 years old. I do not feel 22. I feel about 13. I'm still awkward, I'm still socially inept, I'm still single, and I'm still living with my parents.

Perhaps I'm the female version of Wayne Campbell. It's too bad Nikky and I don't live next door to each other, we'd make a great Wayne & Garth pair. (Well, we do anyway, but having the entire state of Indiana between us makes it a little hard to function normally.)

Birthdays are a fickle thing. I like birthdays is some ways. I enjoy being surprised by people's thoughtfulness. I love cake (or pie or whatever substitute we use and stick candles in). I enjoy the well-wishes and the emails and the notes, but they still lack something.

I'm not good with the attention. I don't know what it is, maybe I feel I don't deserve it, or maybe I'm trying hard not to care about it because they never seem that special to me. I've had to share my birthday with a great deal of traveling, weddings, and tragedy over the past several years, not to mention having one of my best friends repeatedly forget my birthday and then always try to buy me off with some gift.

I just wish there was a nice balance. I don't like being fussed over, but I do like feeling special. I don't need anything extravagant, but it is nice to be remembered.

I guess in a lot of ways the attention I've always received on my birthday always seemed kind of fake, and fake is not something I'm real thrilled with.

Meh.

I feel guilty for even caring it's my birthday this year. I've got several close friends dealing with funerals for close family members this week, and one of my best friends is trying to recover from a broken heart. What is a birthday in comparison to their tragedies?

Again, I say unto you, meh.

And so, I appreciate that kindness of my friends, the gifts, the cards, the notes, and just how generally sweet everyone is. It means a lot, even if I sound like a grouch today. I'm not really, I've been having good things happen and indulging myself a little. Bought myself a little John Mayer Trio and got my eyes checked so I can use my contacts again. Sometimes I forget that I really do have lovely eyes. Muahaha.

Now, if only I could receive the magical powers to play match maker and to heal broken hearts for my birthday. Wouldn't that be lovely? Best birthday gifts ever if I could make everyone around me happy. I think that would make me happy too.

Maybe somewhere, deep down, I am growing up. I guess this is just the beginning of another year for me and we'll have to wait and see...

Good night.

The Fear of Committment

Favorite things of this very moment (9:18 pm CST):

• Agnes & The Hitman by Jennifer Cruise and Bob Mayer (READ IT!)
• Carson's amazing ability to be just where I need him at the right time (you don't often get that anymore)
• That I'll have Landin's baby blanket done by Saturday (which means he should get it inside of a week!)
• Southern accents
• Ben trying to talk me into reading the Harry Potter series this summer, congratulating me on finally figuring out what I want to major in, dispensing advice as lovingly and sarcastically as always, being genuinely concerned with everything in my life, and generally just being that wonderful friend I'm so glad that I still have despite everything that potentially could have scared him off and/or driven him away
• Getting to talk to Nikky on the phone
• Knowing my Business final is my last one, that it's multiple choice, and that I'll be free when it's done tomorrow (YES!!!)
• Oh yes, and agreeing, for Ben, to read the Harry Potter series (finally) because he wants me to read them so he can talk to someone about them (someone, as he says, "that reads as much as I do")

My finals for this semester are done tomorrow. Yes!

The problem is...that's when real life begins. No, I'm not graduating from college (as if that will ever happen at the rate I'm going), but this does mark yet another step in making decisions. I hate making decisions.

I read an interesting quote the other night that said (and I'm really paraphrasing here) that one you commit it gives you the freedom to stop worrying about the decision and just enjoy where you are and what you've committed to whether it's a relationships, job, or just some random life choice in general. It sets you on a path and gives you the push to direct your life and set things in motion. That is what I need. Commitment.

It's ironic to me that the thing that I've accused so many men in my life for having is one thing I struggle with all the time, but never really considered: the fear of commitment.

Let me be honest, I am terrified of committing to something because if I commit to a major or going to a certain school or moving to a certain place...well, it means a great deal of change, and what if I don't like it? What if the decision turns out to be a bad one that makes me unhappy or that distracts me from whatever I should be doing with my life (like I know what that is)?

I need to suck it up and take it like a man (well, woman in my case)! And I need to commit. To something. To finishing a book. To choosing a major. To going to school. To getting a job. Anything and everything. To growing up. And to being more optimistic.

Life is going to change whether I want it to or not.

Pick a Card

Favorite things of this very moment:

• The above picture. It makes me laugh constantly and I really don't know why. Probably the absolute absurdity of the kids face...good grief
• Mat Kearney
• Sweet Valley brands Orange Soda
• Colored pencils (hey, I love coloring too)
• Graph paper notebooks
• Visual bookshelf of Facebook (still my favorite application EVER)
• Removing people from my friends lists after we've come to a point where we: a) never talk, b) aren't particularly fond of each other, and c) the very mention of their name riles me up...
• Telling people what they need to hear, even if it's hard (I'm actually proud of myself for not chickening out)
• Knowing that within 8 days I'll be done with yet another year of college...thank goodness
• Accents (particularly southern or the kind of western, farm country accent)

So...

I've been running into lots of memories that make me think of Sarah. I realized that the only bad part about FUEL this year will be that she is not by my side. I've gotten use to that being a week we spend a crazy amount of time together, and I've been so proud to introduce my little sister to my friends and get to actually spend quality time getting to know her. She never ceased to amaze me with her generosity, silliness, and absolute zest for life and people. I only hope that when I die I will be remembered with the love and laughter she will be remembered for.

The odd thing is that in the wake of her death I suddenly realized a couple of things about myself. Things that were completely obvious to people around me (I'm sure):

1. That I have completely lost track of myself
2. That I do not believe in myself at all
3. That I have let myself go (*sigh* uuuugh)
4. That I have no life goals and/or ambitions to drive at

What is the deal? I can pinpoint when everything fell apart for me: Jacob Zuniga's death.

What drives me crazy is that I know this is not what my life should be. He would not want me to be like this, and I certainly do not want to remain like this. I just am so uncertain in everything that it is ridiculous.

I've given myself a time-period finally. A clock of sorts. I have decided that I must know what I will do this next year by the end of May. I have to have a plan picked out, decided on, and set in motion by May 31st because if I don't start moving forward like I constantly pretend I am than I am going to be living in my bedroom at my parents house for the rest of my life. I love my folks and they love me, but this situation is unhealthy to continue in without having a plan to eventually (hopefully sooner) get myself out into the real world (ish) being a competent adult.

Goals. That's what I need. I need something to strive for. And my mom is probably right...I need someone or something to take care of. I currently am doing a fabulous job of wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing, self-depreciation and a lot of other selfish (ha!) and pointless areas.

Change is possible, isn't it?