Cheez-It's & Prayers

Favorite things of this very moment (9:49 pm EST):

• Watching Brian Regan with Jake, Amber and Amber's hilarious and wonderful family


• Hysterical laughter


• My red snowflake blanket


• Zicam


• Vitamin C


• Dayquil


• Sam freakin' Ballard


• Knowing that in a week I will be in TN at CWS with Sam, Kimmie, Amber, Jake, Cayce, Becca, Dave, Glennis, Jennie and many other wonderful people I love

I am sick. Yep. I've been trying to pretend I'm not since Sunday evening, but I definitely am sick. I am currently waiting for Regina to return with my cheez-it's. She's a beautiful creature that Regina. Spent most of my day laying on the couch watching cartoons and children's movies. I've realized that when I am sick I watch sappy movies or children's movies. It's lovely. Don't you worry though, I did get some homework done, I wrote application letter for a scholarship program I'm trying to get into this fall, wrote some business emails, cleared out my inbox, and wasted huge amounts of time on Facebook.

So...being sick does not equal not being productive. Apparently.

All you lovely prayers, I have a couple requests. Oddly enough, they aren't connected to my coughing like crazy (though, if you'd like to pray for that, please do). I would actually love for you to pray for a girl named Jill from Arkansas. She's been dealing with a lot lately. Her father went through a major surgery and they weren't sure he was going to survey. Thankfully he did, but they won't know all of what is going on until they have the results from the MRI. She seems to be handling it alright.

Please also pray for Sam. The man is an angel. His heart is like the moon, and I want to keep it safe. He is a good man, and I adore him. He is trying real hard to take care of people even when he shouldn't need to. He is just like me. Adore him. Again, please pray for him.

Pray for me too. I don't want to do something stupid or hurt anyone. I just want to take care of everyone, but mostly I want to take care of Sam.

Let's all heal up now, shall we?

Black Widow

(The above picture is from Refuge this year. Mostly I want to use that as a reference point for what I currently look like.)

(Two different versions of the character Black Widow. What I'd like to be.)

Favorite things of this very moment (12:48 am EST):

• Discussions with Jordan via Skype that give me a little more hope
• Trying to come up with a comic heroine that I wouldn't mind dressing up as for Dragoncon next year
• The sound of bike bells
• The iPod & the Kev-bot

I make no promises, but Jordan seems to believe I am capable of rebuilding myself. I want to look like Black Widow. If I decide to dress up and go to Dragoncon next year, I want to look like that. I want to be able to dress up as Black Widow.

On top of which, I will be in a wedding in the next year or so. I'd like to look good in a dress when I'm called upon to do so. I want to develop some faith in myself. How does one go about doing that? Jordan claims I have the discipline necessary to change what I'm doing and make myself healthier. I'm glad he has this faith in me.

These Few Blessings of Mine

So...I haven't written anything in a little while, so I thought I'd show you a bunch of picture of people I adore and talk about them a little. It will make me happy, and hopefully it'll make you happy too.
Jeff and Amber. Jeff is hilarious and wonderful, and I am glad I met him. It's nice to know that there are wonderful crazy people out there to meet. Especially when they have such voluptuous nostrils. Also, there's Amber...what can I say on Amber? She's my lifeline. I consistently need to have her in my life. God could not have blessed me with a better sister. I am grateful.

Sam. He's my favorite. There is so much to say about Sam. For instance, the weekend this picture was taken will probably forever be one of my favorites. He is laying on top of a stack of mattresses with Mitch underneath them. It's hard to explain. Sam makes me laugh, think, and inspires me to better things on a regular basis. Sam is a good man, and he gives me faith in men. I'm sure he doesn't know how valuable he is, but I'm genuinely glad he's a part of my life on a daily basis.

Jay. This is my "big brother." He's one of the best people I know. When my life seems to be coming apart at the seams, Jay is there to make sure that I get put back together again. He's truly one of my best friends, and my life would be much less musical and awkward without him.

Regina. One of my fabulous roommates. Regina can dance beautifully, make me laugh every single day, and is a great velociraptor. Trust me. She is a genuine and gorgeous person inside and out. I don't know how I got along so well before she became a part of my life. She has truly become one of my sisters.

Jake aka. the Garble. This picture will forever make me laugh. The bow tie, that ridiculous face, and the great Santa hat. Definitely one of his finest moments. Jake is the younger brother I didn't ask for, but I'm glad I was given. His insanity and brilliance make any event more memorable.

Jordan. Mr. Durham has become one of my best friends in the past year or so. This picture is a good explanation of why. The duck arms...Jordan has the ability to make me laugh until I cry on a regular basis. He is a rare mixture of hilarity, brilliance, passion, and goodness. I adore him for all of these reasons.

And, last but not least, Nikky. Nik is one of the most beautiful, charming, hilarious, brilliant, talented, passionate, wonderful people I know. I will always and have always loved the way I can talk to her about anything, and she always understands. Even the most vague of discussions work well for us. She is truly the sister I never had. I hope she is always, always, always a part of my life.

Obviously these are not the only people in my life, and there are many more I love, but I thought I would share this with you. They are good and wonderful people, and I can't imagine my life without them.

Prayers & Pictures

I need some bananas or fruit or something. Something delicious and distracting. Actually, what I really need is to just need to shut and pray.

Dear God,

Give me the strength to deal with the insanity of my life, and with being single. I'm tired. I don't even mind being single. Really, Lord. Sure, it's not exactly what I consider optimal, but I can deal with it considering I'm pretty sure that I'm still trying to get my life together and I am not sure it would be fair to drag some nice guy into this mess. But...feeling the the perpetual 3rd wheel (or 7th...) is frustrating. How do normal people do this? Right now I almost wish that arranged marriages were still common here because at least then it would take my trying completely out of the equation. You know me, Lord. You know my heart. Please help me out here. I don't want to be the crazy roommate. I don't want to be jealous. I just want to be a good friend and a hopeful/helpful one. I'm not sure I'm doing much of that lately, and I'm sorry about that. Thanks for holding onto my heart.

Love,

J

Hope

Kayla and Mara

Mara all wrapped up in the blanket I made for her. Isn't she beautiful?

Favorite things of this very moment (1:31 am EST):

• Having new books to read about relationships and marriage
• Ice cream with lots and lots and lots of added berries
• Sweet and unexpected letters from friends
• Knowing I will get to see Nikky & Yan on Wednesday!
• The sticker Regina handed me the other day that says "I did it for the cookie!"
• The 2 pictures I was sent of my new "niece" Maranatha Hope (as shown above)

I'm excited about having all these books to read about relationships, and I realized that it's not just because I'm an incurable romantic. It's because I want to be the best wife I can possibly be. Sure I'm going to screw up, and sure I have no idea when in the future the right guy will come along, but I do have hope. I know that eventually it will work itself out and God will bring the right guy into my life, and I know that when He does, I want to make sure that I'm as ready as I can be.

I remember when I was at ABC with Dan, and he knew he wanted to marry Rachel. Anyone that was around Dan for more than 3 minutes knew he was crazy in love with her, but it was more than that...Dan wanted to be the best husband he could be. I watched him work on being frugal, managing a budget, trying to take care of his health, and doing all he could to study and get through school with good grades and the knowledge he would need in order to be a good minister (which he is, by the way). On top of which, I know he read countless relationship books so that he could do his best to understand women, marriage, and most important, his beloved Rachel. I know the other guys thought he was a little crazy for doing this, but Dan knew what he wanted: Rachel. He knew that he was going to have to do all he could to make his marriage work, and he understand that she was something worth fighting for. I really do admire him for all of this.

Just yesterday I finished reading Joshua Harris' book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and while I'm not sure I 100% agree with everything he said about relationships, I do think he had a lot of really great points. I loved his intense focus on the importance of physical and emotional purity. I think most of us overlook emotional purity entirely, but he made the point that if you attach yourself to everyone all the time, there won't be much left of your heart for your spouse when they find you. Physical purity is pretty straightforward, you need to be constantly striving for physical purity. You gotta keep yourself out of temptation's path. Purity is a true gift to give another, and I want to strive to maintain my purity so that I'll have something truly rare and beautiful to give to my husband when we get married.

The other thing that really stuck with me, probably more so than any other single point, was his simple question: what are you doing to prepare for marriage? This got my thinking. Nikky and I have actually had this discussion a number of times: how can I become the best version of myself so that when I get married, I know that I am a whole person joining with another whole person in order to create something new and beautiful? I want to be doing all I can to make find the best of who and what I am so that I can share this with the man I marry. I want to make sure that I am financially independent, that I can stick to a budget, that I am capable of handling all the basic household issues that come up, and that I can truly love him with all that I am. I want to continue working to get rid of and clear out all my old baggage, and take better care of myself physically. I want to be someone that my husband can rely on and also that he can be proud of. I want to be someone that I can be proud of.

Just my thought for tonight.