It's Good to be Here

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (2:26 pm EST):

• Watching the new downstairs neighbors leave because the guy just opened his wife's car door and got her in the car before walking over to his side to get in. I'm telling you, those little gestures of love and kindness have huge payoffs.


• http://candychang.com/ (I love so much about this constantly)


• Learning that the Finnish word for "awesome" is Mahtava


• Kimmie's prayers and protective stance for me


• The super cute flowered shirt I'm wearing today. I think the stuff I bought over the weekend was actually worth my time, and I'm wearing color. Hoorah!

Last night I was feeling pretty lousy about life, but then I decided I was going to regroup and then approach life with joy and fervor today. I hate feeling lousy and I hate being such a whiner. I've been both far too often lately. Today I'm still hurting, but I'm not letting that stop me from enjoy today.

Recently I was talking to some friends about how I use to be such a good liar. I could fool anyone that I was doing just fine about anything any time. I definitely can't do that any more. At least not to the extent I use to. As much as I hate letting people see how I truly feel or what I really am at times, I think this is probably really healthy. I need to be honest about who I am and what I feel. You can't grow if you never let yourself stretch and move.

This afternoon I was introduced to the work of Candy Chang (whose beautiful, amazing, inspiring website is listed above). The picture at the top of this was taken today on my balcony. I had been looking at Chang's beautiful work and one project that really caught my attention was the collection of pictures that were taken of places where she had stenciled "It's good to be here." Considering my lame attitude lately, I decided this might just be something to keep me focused on the good. As a result I decided my balcony could use some cheer and did a little scribbling myself. I hope she doesn't mind, I needed something to inspire me, and that will work just fine for me.

I started an album of pictures that starts with that one. It's simply called "It's Good to be Here," and hopefully it will serve as a reminder as I add pictures that it IS good to be here. Wherever here is. Because I'm here and I can be happy with that. Even when life isn't perfect which is good because let's face it, life will NEVER be perfect.

Remember I love you.

I Just Want to Love You

Favorite things of this very moment (7:16 pm EST):

• Soft, strange green t-shirt that I bought yesterday


• The above picture of Sam playing video games with Queso


• Sam


• My conversation with Jordan from this afternoon


• "Get Smart, Again" (which is incredibly silly, and if you liked that kind of thing, you should really locate a copy and watch it. I know it's on NetFlix)


• The iPod (even though I really need to start to looking into getting my own refurbed or something)

The boy above.

There are just some things in life you wish you new were certain or worth waiting for or perfect. Sometimes you just have to accept with crazed faith the things that no one but God can tell you are certain. Right now my life is completely situated around things that are not within my scope of control. I will continue to try to do my part, but...a lot of this is out of my hands and in the hands of a wonderful 22 year old man who I would happily give the world to if I could. Sadly the world is not mine to give. All I've got is one little silly beating heart and a lot of crazy dreams and hopes. That may not be enough for him because I sometimes wonder what he actually sees when he looks at me, but I know that when I see him I see the man who I would like to be given complete adoration and love to every day for the rest of my life.

Can I do that?

I Saw the Light

(The above painting was done by the marvelous Andre Jordan http://www.abeautifulrevolution.com/) The painting...I think it fits. It's an accurate description of how I feel at this point. I don't know what else there is to say about it really, but it's true. I love this picture. Sam is holding the picture of a zombie armadillo he drew for me. I plan to frame this picture. I also plan to write a series of "children's" books about a zombie armadillo named Bruce. Sam will be illustrating them. He's brilliant at all of this. It's wonderful. He cannot be here soon enough.

This one is a picture of me holding the Sharkicorn picture that Amber had drawn for me. It is both epic and hilarious. One more reason why Amber is both a great roommate and a great friend.

Life is truly special and hilarious and awkward and beautiful. Even if I don't understand any of it. God does crazy things, and I'm working on accepting it.

Thank God for the Sunshine

(The mountains of TN)

There are so many, many words and I'm not sure if any of them are appropriate or good. I woke up and have been thanking God all day for how beautiful it was. If it hadn't been beautiful today, I'm pretty sure I would have ignored all 5 of the messages I had and would have just slept for the rest of my day.

I'm wondering what the point of all of this is. Last night before I went to sleep I asked God to just show me whether or not this was really worth my time because I was really struggling with that. Is this man really worth the wait and feeling broken so much? I just wasn't sure if I could do this, but then the morning broke and I realized I'd fallen asleep talking to him. And the more I talked to my mother and my roommates, the more I realized I'm not that crazy. There's something about this guy that calls deeply to me, and even if he isn't the right guy, what's going on between us, it's far from over.

I keep asking if I'm doing the right things, and all I'm hearing is yes. Everyone says yes, and I just keep praying. Praying and praying and praying.

The weirdest thing though would have to be talking to Mom about all of this. It's not weird to talk to her, but it was weird talking to her today...I think she finally understands that I'm not playing around here. This one is different. Not sure what that entails at this point, but it is different.

The other bit of today messing with me is this crazy financial plan assignment. It's a healthy idea and I know I should be able to do this, but I feel crippled by this. I feel like a failure as an adult is really what it is. How am I supposed to do this? I do not have a job, and it's only by the grace of God that I'm getting by at all. I trust every day that He'll provide what I need, and He does, but how do you write that into a financial plan? And how do you explain that you don't have future financial goals because you have no idea what you want to do with your life? And you don't need life insurance because you've got literally no one depending on you because you can barely take care of yourself? This assignment makes me feel like a failure. Exciting.

I guess what I need now is to make my favorite things list. I need to think about the good.

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (9:49 pm EST):

• "Easy Target" by Blink 182


• Knowing I found the Bible Sam wanted


• Jay, Jordan, Kimmie, Miiiitch, Regina, Amber & Jake and their invaluable prayers


• Knowing I got Regina's pants taken care of


• "Karma" by Alicia Keys


• Regina being home


• Headphones


• That my iPod is actually working after I thought it had died (thank God for the little miracles)


• Remembering the good talks with Mom, Amber, Jake, Mitch & Kimmie

Life is going to be alright.

Swimsuit

Favorite things of this moment (5:53 pm EST):

• Knowing that in my room on the top shelf of my bookshelf is an English to Italian dictionary that looks like it was well-loved by a previous owner


• "Eat, Pray, Love"


• Sam


• The iPod


• A very, very large glass of ice tea


• The desire to travel that is deep, deep in my soul and permeates every bit of me on days like today


• Knowing that God knows what He's doing and where He's leading me


• Having a reason to grow, to want to wear dresses, and to let Amber talk me into buying a swimsuit (which I still can't believe happened...wow)

Yes, I bought a swimsuit. I have not owned a swimsuit in years and years. I no longer knew what I could look like in a swimsuit, and I haven't wanted to see it. I've been too terrified and broken.

Today at lunch Amber told me I needed to let her go with me to look for a new swimsuit. She knows how I feel about every my body and how embarrassed I am about everything. I feel immodest, just at the idea. It was so scary, but Amber poled the table (naturally) and was told repeatedly that this was a good idea. What sealed the deal (naturally) was her asking Jake if men find it attractive for a woman of any size to wear a bathing suit with confidence, and him saying yes.

So, with that concept hanging over my head, Amber and I went to the store. Miraculously, she grabbed something I glared at her for even picking up, and, of course, that turned out to be exactly what I needed. I now have a bathing suit that looks like a super cute sundress. Weirdest thing ever.

I really don't remember the last time I wanted to be cute. The last time I wanted a dress. The last time it mattered. When was the last time I really wanted to dress up for anyone? To be honest, I can't think of a time when it has mattered like this.

Maybe this isn't a huge surprise. Or maybe it's just not that big of a deal to you, but this is a huge thing for me.

I bought a frickin' swimsuit today. I want to own sundresses. My life really is upside down. For the first time perhaps ever, I am actually really okay with this.

Life is crazy, and, you know what, I LOVE it.

Cheez-It's & Prayers

Favorite things of this very moment (9:49 pm EST):

• Watching Brian Regan with Jake, Amber and Amber's hilarious and wonderful family


• Hysterical laughter


• My red snowflake blanket


• Zicam


• Vitamin C


• Dayquil


• Sam freakin' Ballard


• Knowing that in a week I will be in TN at CWS with Sam, Kimmie, Amber, Jake, Cayce, Becca, Dave, Glennis, Jennie and many other wonderful people I love

I am sick. Yep. I've been trying to pretend I'm not since Sunday evening, but I definitely am sick. I am currently waiting for Regina to return with my cheez-it's. She's a beautiful creature that Regina. Spent most of my day laying on the couch watching cartoons and children's movies. I've realized that when I am sick I watch sappy movies or children's movies. It's lovely. Don't you worry though, I did get some homework done, I wrote application letter for a scholarship program I'm trying to get into this fall, wrote some business emails, cleared out my inbox, and wasted huge amounts of time on Facebook.

So...being sick does not equal not being productive. Apparently.

All you lovely prayers, I have a couple requests. Oddly enough, they aren't connected to my coughing like crazy (though, if you'd like to pray for that, please do). I would actually love for you to pray for a girl named Jill from Arkansas. She's been dealing with a lot lately. Her father went through a major surgery and they weren't sure he was going to survey. Thankfully he did, but they won't know all of what is going on until they have the results from the MRI. She seems to be handling it alright.

Please also pray for Sam. The man is an angel. His heart is like the moon, and I want to keep it safe. He is a good man, and I adore him. He is trying real hard to take care of people even when he shouldn't need to. He is just like me. Adore him. Again, please pray for him.

Pray for me too. I don't want to do something stupid or hurt anyone. I just want to take care of everyone, but mostly I want to take care of Sam.

Let's all heal up now, shall we?

Black Widow

(The above picture is from Refuge this year. Mostly I want to use that as a reference point for what I currently look like.)

(Two different versions of the character Black Widow. What I'd like to be.)

Favorite things of this very moment (12:48 am EST):

• Discussions with Jordan via Skype that give me a little more hope
• Trying to come up with a comic heroine that I wouldn't mind dressing up as for Dragoncon next year
• The sound of bike bells
• The iPod & the Kev-bot

I make no promises, but Jordan seems to believe I am capable of rebuilding myself. I want to look like Black Widow. If I decide to dress up and go to Dragoncon next year, I want to look like that. I want to be able to dress up as Black Widow.

On top of which, I will be in a wedding in the next year or so. I'd like to look good in a dress when I'm called upon to do so. I want to develop some faith in myself. How does one go about doing that? Jordan claims I have the discipline necessary to change what I'm doing and make myself healthier. I'm glad he has this faith in me.