The Reset Button

Favorite things of this very moment (12:33 pm CST):

• Dynamic Horizons Computer Services
• My wonderful long-sleeved brown/green wool sweater with the extra long sleeves that cover most of my hand and keep me feeling cozy
• Leaving insanely long and repetitive voicemails which include not only relevant information, but also things like pointless lists of things that I love (a good hat, dark chocolate, mix cds, Count Chocula, etc.)
• Bubble wrap
• Finding a box that is just the right size
• Kind parents who are willing to let you borrow their car when yours is in the shop
• Dragonflies
• Rings that remind you of your ideals and dreams for life
• Being officially out of Etter's Algebra-from-Hell class
• Switchfoot's "Beautiful Letdown" cd...sometimes you forget how much you love a set of songs...

I finally had Mr. Etter sign my withdrawal slip today. I'm so glad. It made me feel a little guilty though. I was waiting when he came in and he was smiling till he saw me. Like somehow I single handedly had just ruined his entire day. Maybe I had. I imagine having someone withdrawal from your class feels a bit like rejection, and I have a lot of experience with how that feels. It's not a pleasant thing, but you know, sometimes it happens.

Aaron didn't cause me to feel like I should implode or even hyperventilate today. He's back to normal and feeling much better. No suggestive comments, no meaningful stares, no longing in anyone's eyes. Just warmth, kindness, and laughter, like always. I'm so glad. I don't need to find myself questioning my beliefs and morals and values like that ever, ever again. At least not for such base reason. *shakes head* Sometimes I truly am an idiot.

The tall one has been left his weekly message. I realized last week that I call him each Friday. It's virtually the same message: "Are you coming over?" The thing is, I like to throw in my own special brand of insanity in each message. This weeks message included the "things I love" list which I posted examples of in my favorite things of this moment list earlier. Yeah...sometimes I amaze even me.

Today doesn't feel like anything deep or profound. Instead it seems kind of relaxed. That seems ironic considering I have already been to school, taken care of business with Etter, gone to the counseling office (of course they can't reschedule my appointment because they're only taking walk-in's at the moment...boo), and now I'm at Dynamic until 3. Then I will find myself running home and then running back out of the house to get to Kable by 3:30 so that I can get the last of my overtime in.

I think this sense of calm is from God. A peace that surpasses understanding. That's how I feel because I know that I should be worrying about something (at least that's how I act under normal circumstances of this kind), but it's like everything's in slow motion. This isn't a bad thing, instead it's allowing me to focus a little better on what is going on around me and to take it in and enjoy it at my own pace. A true thing of beauty. God is amazing.

God and I had a long talk last night, actually. This talk mainly discussed how I am an idiot. Lately I've fallen off the deep-end. This week I have been as far from happy with myself as I have been in a very long time. It's just like everything went haywire. I'm not really sure how I managed to let everything get this bad, but it did. A lot of things should not have been said or thought or considered or done. Yet I did them. Why was I rebelling like this? I'm not a teenager. There's no reason for this kind of immature behavior from me, but it seems to have been the theme of the week: stupid, impulsive, childish, and the worst was the thought process. Reigning in my thoughts should have been a higher priority, but I was lazy.

So I'm back to the beginning and moving forward. Cleared slate, and we'll see what I can make of it this time. God is gracious to the extreme and I truly don't deserve this kind of love and forgiveness.

Reset.

Life moves, and I'm moving with it.

Where We Gonna Go From Here...

Favorite things of this very moment (11:49 am CST):

• Free Internet access found on any computer in the Sauk Valley Community College library
• Squeaky keys on the keyboard
• The dried up, shriveled apple core sitting next to the computer that I have been staring at off and on since I sat down (what exactly do you do? Do you find something to pick it up with and throw it away? Do you leave it for someone else to find and contemplate? Do you complain to one of the librarians?)
• The Geography of Bliss
• Knowing that I did complete my part of Check point #2 for the IQ project
• Aaron calling me his hero and telling me he really "feels the love, right here" (while pointing at his chest...haha)
• The silence of the library
• Watching the rain out the window and contemplating how quickly I will have to run as I don't have an umbrella...

Life has been thrown off-balance again. It doesn't thrill me completely, but it does pose a challenge. I've decided to rise to the occasion.

My beloved camry died 2 weeks ago today. This caused me to alter my life plans (does this surprise you?). It did enough to truly throw my entire financial plan off-kilter and caused me to make the decision that I would try to go full time at Kable as soon as this school year was over, if not sooner. That way I would be able to get myself out of debt both to my father and to whatever financial institution I would be borrowing money from for the car.

Blow number 2 came about when I got to work that Friday after the car died. I had found out the day before that the car was officially a bust, that there was no reason to try to fix it, and then I go into work (which I love, I truly love this job) and find out they're moving the business. Kable News will start being known at Palm Coast Data and the entire fulfillment side of the business (accounting, customer service, and data entry) will all be moved down to the Palm Coast location in FL because the business has been offered huge tax incentives and will find a readily available workforce (aka. illegal immigrants from the way it's looking, retirees aren't going to want to do these jobs). Yep...there goes the rest of Mt. Morris's economic standing. Somewhere around 425 people will have to find new jobs and/or relocate by the end of 2010 when they are projecting we lose our jobs.

Needless to say, that was much more than I imagined. Life had finally given off the appearance of having some believable course, I would be able to have a stable job if I wanted it. Something I was truly good at and enjoyed. Apparently that was not in the cards.

Now I'm trying to figure out the next step. Obviously God has bigger plans for my life than having me just sit and work at Kable until my hands stop working and my eyes go out.

The search begins again. I have a feeling it will probably result in a move within the next year or so. The concept terrifies me, but something's gotta change. I need to be able to take care of myself and feel like a viable adult.

I've decided to start looking into library science programs. I don't know what all else I will look at, but I want to find a job that I will actually enjoy. If I do library science, I could probably find a library with a great children's section and maybe do work with children's reading programs. Maybe I'll start writing children's books. Wouldn't that be hilarious? Enjoyable though. :)

Alright, I'm out.

I am afraid.

"Our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world."

-Marianne Williamson

Read the quote again.

Alright, now we can start.

I am afraid.

Marianne Williamson had an excellent point. That quote is one of my favorites. It's one my facebook profile, it's written on several notebooks I own so far, and I'm sure it will be on many more. The problem is, I don't live by those words.

Or rather, maybe I do, but not in the sense that I should. I am afraid.

God created each of us to be something unique and beautiful. We were to serve God and others using the wonderful gifts he has given us.

Why aren't we using them?

Let's stop generalizing. I like to use the word "we" and talk about our collective issues and problems, but in this case, let me break it down and bring it back to what I'm really trying to say: I.

I am having a problem. I want to live my life with all that I have, and I don't want to play small because like Marianne said so beautifully, it doesn't serve the world. I have often heard it said that the first step to conquering a problem is admitting you have one, so here I am. I am writing these words to you to let you know that I have a problem and it all comes down to these 3 words:

I am afraid.

I am afraid of failing in my attempts to use my talents. I am afraid that I will fall flat on my face. I am afraid people will look at my work, which is a mirror into my heart and my soul, and they will laugh at it or tell me that these gifts I have been given are not adequate, that I am not enough. I am afraid of the rejection. I am afraid to put my heart on the line or to risk changing aspects of my life because I have found a comfortable, sane, safe, average routine.

But mostly...I am afraid of me. What if I fail and it embarrasses the people I love most? What if the things I have to say shock people and they no longer want to care for me or it causes them to see me differently and they don't appreciate that?

Are you noticing a pattern? I am. A lot of "what if"s and a lot of fear of rejection.

That's why I'm trying to get this out in the open right now. Here. Today. I am afraid. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it, and that's okay. What's important is the fact that I need to take my talents, all those little things (and the big ones too) that God has given to me and I need to do all that I can with them.

I will write.

I will encourage.

I will speak up.

I will counsel.

And most importantly, I will show love in the little things. Every day I will work to show love.

Yes, I will fail, and hurt myself and screw up horribly and embarrass people from time to time (or frequently for all I know), but I will be moving forward. I will be trying to grow, and I will be trying to live the life God intended for me.

I will shine.

And that's what is truly important.

I hope you do the same.

Inspire

I love this. I really do. It makes me feel inspired. I realize that probably sounds silly or maybe stupid, but it's true. Maybe it's the song, which I love, or maybe it's just because everyone needs to see things that make them feel brave, makes them believe they could be more. For reasons I don't fully understand, this makes me feel like that. Enjoy.

Inspire someone.

Someday You'll Ask For Me By Name

Favorite things of this moment (10:15 am CST):

• Dan in Real Life
• Cooler weather
• The world's softest pink yarn
• Men who have the all the words
• Coffee with vanilla soy milk, cinnamon, and sugar in it...mmm...
• That I'm not the only one who can't bowl
• Getting advice from a friend about how you shouldn't pop your toes when you just had surgery on your leg
• Bad dancing
• Finishing a book
• 2008 summer Olympics

Dan Burns: What don't I understand, Cara? Please, help me out. What is it? Is it frustrating that you can't be with this person? That there's something keeping you apart? That there's something about this person that you can connect with? And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart, and you know that if you could just be together, that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself?

That's what I want. Feeling that miserable would not be an all bad thing. If it meant I'd really found something I needed.

I realize this isn't what I should focus on. My life is silly enough. Love will show up in its own way and time eventually, but when you are watching something and suddenly the ache overwhelms you...what do you do? Or you're reading simple notes from someone, and even though they have no intention of grabbing your heart, it seems like they're pulling it out of you with a magnet? Or the one person you feel most comfortable spending time with regularly is a guy that you have trouble qualifying in your life? You know he's just a friend, and that's probably all he'll ever be, but sometimes you ache when you're with him because, at least with him, you're purely you and you don't have to cover for yourself.

When do you think you should tell someone how you feel? As a girl where should the lines be? Am I supposed to tell someone I think there's potential between us? Or am I supposed to allow them that freedom?

How do you know?

And is love something that I will find? Or is it just a dream that I've been caring around unnecessarily for all these year?

I doubt it. I don't think God places dreams this deep in your heart without any intention of helping you find the fulfillment of them.

Sooner or later, I'll get my answers. They're worth the wait.

Why Being One of the Guys is Not Always a Good Thing

Favorite things of this very moment (1:50 pm CST):

• Hearing "A Little Less Conversation" sung by Elvis blaring over the loudspeakers in a Chinese stadium
• Ice tea (I don't think I can mention this enough)
• Fresh pineapple
• Knowing I get to see Jenna in just a couple of hours
• Seeing Paxton at church this morning
• Watching all the little ones dance through the service today
• The tall one (he makes me happy)
• That Ben is loving the Twilight series (oh yes, another convert to my convoluted, beloved obsession)
• Pink handled scissors
• Hearing Mom say, "The man is the head of the household," and Joel responding with, "But the woman is the neck and she can turn the head whichever way she wants it."
• Perfect golden, beautiful sunshine highlighting the green and gorgeous trees and the wonderful cool weather

Jay and I went to Rockford this evening to visit Jenna. Met up at Starbucks, and after collecting a few humorous books, we sat down in the "cafe" and enjoyed our time.

The conversations that I have on these kind of visits are my favorite. Jay was a great addition to the mini-group. It was beautiful. So much awkward, so many topics, so many bad accents, so much shared humor, ridiculous insults, strange comments, and laughter. It needs to happen more often. Truly.

The question that most sticks in my mind was when Jay asked why it's so bad to be one of the guys. We had established that I am not a "normal" girl. That I am better capable to deal with and understand guys than girls in a lot of ways. They just make me feel more understood and comfortable. Jay didn't understand how it could be a pain for me to be one of the boys.

Let me explain. It's not that I don't enjoy being one of the guys. In a lot of ways it's great. I enjoy being able to spend huge amounts of time with large quantities of testosterone. I feel at ease there and I can hold my own. I make great friends who are loyal, protective, and wonderful this way. The problem is that you don't ever get to be anything more.

I am the girl every guy wants around. They "need" me. But they don't really. I'm a substitute person when they aren't in relationships, I am the best friend.

The problem is...I still haven't found anyone who really wants me. Who really needs me. Who sees me as a women, not just a best friend. That's why being one of the guys isn't the best. It's great, but until I find a guy who can see me for all that I am...it won't be completely awesome.

Someday. Maybe someday soon...

Well, I'll keep dreaming.

Challenge

Favorite things of this very moment (10:44 am CST):

• Magic (not the card game)
• Cinnamon rolls
• Perfect weather (sunshine, cool breeze, lovely lovely temp)
• Night & Day mixes from Jay Laurent (the man is a genius, I adore him)
• Ice tea
• The Wednesday Letters

Nikky asked a question yesterday. She asked, "What do we do with passion?" The passion instilled in our being by God. God is passionate for us, and we, as His creation have a great deal of passion of our own. Not necessarily for the same things, but still passion none the less.

It's passion, I believe, that creates. I use my passion to create poetry, short stories, letters, etc. Jay uses his passion to create his music. Nikky uses her passion to create beautiful artwork and writings.

But these things are not all our passion is used for. I know that a portion of my passion is in wait. But there is a key to unlocking that, and I do not possess that key. Someday I'll get to use that. Until then...REPRESSED. err...

There is also the passion to live. This is the one that takes the most practice unfortunately. I don't think it's supposed to take a lot of practice. I think living with passion should be our natural response to life, but, I think, overtime, we've had the joy and ability all but sucked out of us. So we must intend to live with passion. We must strive for it. We must search out and find the joy in life and be willing to patiently listen for the nudge, the still small voice, and/or learn to decipher the messages God sends us through the lives of people around us and the world He has so perfectly created.

The choice is, in a lot of ways, the same as the choice to love. Love is a verb. It is action. It is motion and finding ways every day to show the people around us love. The choice to live with passion is very much wrapped into the choice to love. When we choose to live lives of love (so many l's) daily we are also choosing to live passionately. Our love for God seeps through when we show love to one another. Choosing to let someone have their needs met first...

Just my thoughts anyway...

So...I will echo Nikky's question and challenge you (and myself): What do we do with it?