New Experience Post

I haven't updated you on my random new experiences in awhile. I think I'd better do that. So here goes:

First picture: my Grandma & Grandpa Cheatwood's 50th wedding anniversary party. The picture below has all 4 of their sons (including my amazing dad), their wives, and all the grandkids minus 2 that couldn't get back from college, plus my brother David's wonderful girlfriend, Kelsey. It was a great event and you definitely have to take the time to celebrate when people you love have been able to maintain relationships like that for so long.


Next: this picture was taken on Amber's 20th birthday. She, Jake and I went to the Marietta Diner because Amber and I had seen something about it on the Food Network. The picture you see below is a picture of the delicious thing which I ate while there. It was called a Caribbean Monte Cristo. Freaking delicious. If you have the opportunity, you need to go check the diner out. Everything is good.



This next picture is of Jake on his 20th birthday. He is holding a sword. HIS sword. Sam knew Jake wanted a sword, and so he found this one. I actually got to be a part of that choice, and it was really cool. I've never been asked so many questions about swords or had so many things suggested to me. Every bit of that was great. Sam was super excited about it, and watching him so happy about finding the perfect gift was quite great. And I don't think Jake could have loved a gift anything more. It was totally beautiful.

This next picture is of me kissing Queso. Queso is my wonderful friend (and cousin) Jennie's creature. He is a traveling donkey and he gets pictures taken all over the place. The weekend of Jake's birthday, Queso was delivered to me for the weekend, and he went to the zoo with me and to many other places. This was my favorite picture from the weekend.

Sam took this picture for me of one of our favorite shops in Pigeon Forge. We affectionately called it Fudge Knife Swimwear Leather. It looks beyond tacky, but it was actually pretty awesome. Sam bought a knife and a ridiculously adorable key chain of a tiny bear from this place. That was a really great afternoon.

I love this picture. This is Rocket Jesus. He lives inside of Cornerstone Bible Church. It's actually a rather adorable statue, but it's just one of those things that leaves itself open to a lot of silliness. I mean no disrespect to the maker of this statue or Jesus or my church, but this statue does seem a little crazy. I am a fan.

This is a picture of Cayce. She is Sam and Jake's younger sister. Cayce is one of the most stunningly beautiful young women I have ever encountered, inside and out. She is glorious, and one of the new experiences I have had recently is getting to know this wonderful girl. This picture is from ABC-I, and it was that weekend that market the beginning of what I hope is a life-long friendship. She is incredibly sweet, funny, and smart. She's hoping to come down to the college eventually, and I am looking forward to the prospect.

This is a picture of the beautiful blueberry pie I made Sam for his 22nd birthday which was the same weekend as ABC-I. Everyone saw this pie because it was in my kitchen when all the kids were touring the apartments. Yeah...I've never made a boy a pie for his birthday before, and I've definitely never written their name in pie crust across the top. That was a couple of firsts, and I think I did a beautiful job. He really liked the pie.

This picture is me holding my beautiful "niece" Maranatha Hope. Dan took this picture of us when I was up visiting in March. She is a beautiful little blessing, and I think she is going to bring her family a lot of joy. She's such a beautiful tiny miracle.

For now this is all the pictures I will share, but you've gotta admit, I've been doing things.

And on one last random note: I desperately want a massage. When I finally get some revenue going, I'm definitely going to find a place to give me a good massage.

Madness of the Gods (or Lust and Why I'm a Bad Person)

For the past few days I've been rereading Rob Bells' incredible book Sex God. Today as I was reading I was struck by something he said:

"Lust comes from a deep lack of satisfaction with life. This is why we have to slow down and reflect on our lives before we'll ever begin to sort out the significance of this. Lust often starts with a thought somewhere in our head or heart: 'If I had that/him/her/it, then I'd be...'

When we're not at peace, when we aren't content, when we aren't in a good place, our radar gets turned on. We're looking. searching. And we're sensory creatures, so it won't be long before something, or somebody, catches our attention.

And it always revolves around 'if,' doesn't it?

If I just..."

Uuuuuugh. This sums me up.

The last thing I want to do is to objectify someone else. I don't want to be bored and frustrated with what I'm placed in in life. God put me here for a reason, and I want to be able to be content in this. If Paul could be content in all circumstances, including shipwreck, prison, etc., why on earth am I incapable of doing the same?

I don't want to feel like I'm incomplete without someone in my life. I want to see other people as the beautiful creatures they are and not as something that I must "possess" in order to feel justified in life and complete.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if there is something wrong with me. How do I reframe my mind? More importantly, how do I control my thoughts and my heart? I want the overflow from my heart to be positive and wonderful. I want it to be, as Conor Oberst said, "the warm yellow light" that covers the people I love. I want to be something good in the lives of others and I don't want to lust after people and things in any capacity. I don't want that to be one of my many faults.

Yesterday, Sam and I were discussing fasting. Two weeks ago he did a 3-day green tea detox, and this past week I did one. The thing that impressed us both was that we realized we were capable of that kind of restraint. Three days with no food. Three days of green tea and water. For a pair of kids in their early 20's who grew up in America where people eat constantly, you gotta admit, this is pretty impressive. I'm not saying we're super heroes or anything, but I was excited to realize that I can say no to things when I feel it's important.

I told Sam what excites me most is the fact that this means we can use this same principle in other areas of our lives. I think it's high time that I figure out how to make this happen in the rest of my messy life. I've learned I'm capable of more. I need to prove it.

Sam is talking about doing a day of fasting each month, and I think this wouldn't be a bad plan. It would be nice to prove to myself that I can do this each month. Plus it would, as Sam put it, give me motivation and help me see what I can do. Plus, if I make sure I do this once a month, it will make it something sacred and important. I can do more to focus on God and maybe continue to learn to listen.

Things to think about.

It's Good to be Here

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (2:26 pm EST):

• Watching the new downstairs neighbors leave because the guy just opened his wife's car door and got her in the car before walking over to his side to get in. I'm telling you, those little gestures of love and kindness have huge payoffs.


• http://candychang.com/ (I love so much about this constantly)


• Learning that the Finnish word for "awesome" is Mahtava


• Kimmie's prayers and protective stance for me


• The super cute flowered shirt I'm wearing today. I think the stuff I bought over the weekend was actually worth my time, and I'm wearing color. Hoorah!

Last night I was feeling pretty lousy about life, but then I decided I was going to regroup and then approach life with joy and fervor today. I hate feeling lousy and I hate being such a whiner. I've been both far too often lately. Today I'm still hurting, but I'm not letting that stop me from enjoy today.

Recently I was talking to some friends about how I use to be such a good liar. I could fool anyone that I was doing just fine about anything any time. I definitely can't do that any more. At least not to the extent I use to. As much as I hate letting people see how I truly feel or what I really am at times, I think this is probably really healthy. I need to be honest about who I am and what I feel. You can't grow if you never let yourself stretch and move.

This afternoon I was introduced to the work of Candy Chang (whose beautiful, amazing, inspiring website is listed above). The picture at the top of this was taken today on my balcony. I had been looking at Chang's beautiful work and one project that really caught my attention was the collection of pictures that were taken of places where she had stenciled "It's good to be here." Considering my lame attitude lately, I decided this might just be something to keep me focused on the good. As a result I decided my balcony could use some cheer and did a little scribbling myself. I hope she doesn't mind, I needed something to inspire me, and that will work just fine for me.

I started an album of pictures that starts with that one. It's simply called "It's Good to be Here," and hopefully it will serve as a reminder as I add pictures that it IS good to be here. Wherever here is. Because I'm here and I can be happy with that. Even when life isn't perfect which is good because let's face it, life will NEVER be perfect.

Remember I love you.

I Just Want to Love You

Favorite things of this very moment (7:16 pm EST):

• Soft, strange green t-shirt that I bought yesterday


• The above picture of Sam playing video games with Queso


• Sam


• My conversation with Jordan from this afternoon


• "Get Smart, Again" (which is incredibly silly, and if you liked that kind of thing, you should really locate a copy and watch it. I know it's on NetFlix)


• The iPod (even though I really need to start to looking into getting my own refurbed or something)

The boy above.

There are just some things in life you wish you new were certain or worth waiting for or perfect. Sometimes you just have to accept with crazed faith the things that no one but God can tell you are certain. Right now my life is completely situated around things that are not within my scope of control. I will continue to try to do my part, but...a lot of this is out of my hands and in the hands of a wonderful 22 year old man who I would happily give the world to if I could. Sadly the world is not mine to give. All I've got is one little silly beating heart and a lot of crazy dreams and hopes. That may not be enough for him because I sometimes wonder what he actually sees when he looks at me, but I know that when I see him I see the man who I would like to be given complete adoration and love to every day for the rest of my life.

Can I do that?

I Saw the Light

(The above painting was done by the marvelous Andre Jordan http://www.abeautifulrevolution.com/) The painting...I think it fits. It's an accurate description of how I feel at this point. I don't know what else there is to say about it really, but it's true. I love this picture. Sam is holding the picture of a zombie armadillo he drew for me. I plan to frame this picture. I also plan to write a series of "children's" books about a zombie armadillo named Bruce. Sam will be illustrating them. He's brilliant at all of this. It's wonderful. He cannot be here soon enough.

This one is a picture of me holding the Sharkicorn picture that Amber had drawn for me. It is both epic and hilarious. One more reason why Amber is both a great roommate and a great friend.

Life is truly special and hilarious and awkward and beautiful. Even if I don't understand any of it. God does crazy things, and I'm working on accepting it.

Thank God for the Sunshine

(The mountains of TN)

There are so many, many words and I'm not sure if any of them are appropriate or good. I woke up and have been thanking God all day for how beautiful it was. If it hadn't been beautiful today, I'm pretty sure I would have ignored all 5 of the messages I had and would have just slept for the rest of my day.

I'm wondering what the point of all of this is. Last night before I went to sleep I asked God to just show me whether or not this was really worth my time because I was really struggling with that. Is this man really worth the wait and feeling broken so much? I just wasn't sure if I could do this, but then the morning broke and I realized I'd fallen asleep talking to him. And the more I talked to my mother and my roommates, the more I realized I'm not that crazy. There's something about this guy that calls deeply to me, and even if he isn't the right guy, what's going on between us, it's far from over.

I keep asking if I'm doing the right things, and all I'm hearing is yes. Everyone says yes, and I just keep praying. Praying and praying and praying.

The weirdest thing though would have to be talking to Mom about all of this. It's not weird to talk to her, but it was weird talking to her today...I think she finally understands that I'm not playing around here. This one is different. Not sure what that entails at this point, but it is different.

The other bit of today messing with me is this crazy financial plan assignment. It's a healthy idea and I know I should be able to do this, but I feel crippled by this. I feel like a failure as an adult is really what it is. How am I supposed to do this? I do not have a job, and it's only by the grace of God that I'm getting by at all. I trust every day that He'll provide what I need, and He does, but how do you write that into a financial plan? And how do you explain that you don't have future financial goals because you have no idea what you want to do with your life? And you don't need life insurance because you've got literally no one depending on you because you can barely take care of yourself? This assignment makes me feel like a failure. Exciting.

I guess what I need now is to make my favorite things list. I need to think about the good.

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (9:49 pm EST):

• "Easy Target" by Blink 182


• Knowing I found the Bible Sam wanted


• Jay, Jordan, Kimmie, Miiiitch, Regina, Amber & Jake and their invaluable prayers


• Knowing I got Regina's pants taken care of


• "Karma" by Alicia Keys


• Regina being home


• Headphones


• That my iPod is actually working after I thought it had died (thank God for the little miracles)


• Remembering the good talks with Mom, Amber, Jake, Mitch & Kimmie

Life is going to be alright.

Swimsuit

Favorite things of this moment (5:53 pm EST):

• Knowing that in my room on the top shelf of my bookshelf is an English to Italian dictionary that looks like it was well-loved by a previous owner


• "Eat, Pray, Love"


• Sam


• The iPod


• A very, very large glass of ice tea


• The desire to travel that is deep, deep in my soul and permeates every bit of me on days like today


• Knowing that God knows what He's doing and where He's leading me


• Having a reason to grow, to want to wear dresses, and to let Amber talk me into buying a swimsuit (which I still can't believe happened...wow)

Yes, I bought a swimsuit. I have not owned a swimsuit in years and years. I no longer knew what I could look like in a swimsuit, and I haven't wanted to see it. I've been too terrified and broken.

Today at lunch Amber told me I needed to let her go with me to look for a new swimsuit. She knows how I feel about every my body and how embarrassed I am about everything. I feel immodest, just at the idea. It was so scary, but Amber poled the table (naturally) and was told repeatedly that this was a good idea. What sealed the deal (naturally) was her asking Jake if men find it attractive for a woman of any size to wear a bathing suit with confidence, and him saying yes.

So, with that concept hanging over my head, Amber and I went to the store. Miraculously, she grabbed something I glared at her for even picking up, and, of course, that turned out to be exactly what I needed. I now have a bathing suit that looks like a super cute sundress. Weirdest thing ever.

I really don't remember the last time I wanted to be cute. The last time I wanted a dress. The last time it mattered. When was the last time I really wanted to dress up for anyone? To be honest, I can't think of a time when it has mattered like this.

Maybe this isn't a huge surprise. Or maybe it's just not that big of a deal to you, but this is a huge thing for me.

I bought a frickin' swimsuit today. I want to own sundresses. My life really is upside down. For the first time perhaps ever, I am actually really okay with this.

Life is crazy, and, you know what, I LOVE it.