An Old Poem: "Sparkle"

Stitch by stitch and row by row
Am I creating myself?
A new beginning
it’s time for a start
Finally feeling something bright in my heart
The breaks aren’t clean
not all wounds heal
but at least now I have a chance to feel

Using these hands to create something beautiful
maybe I can prove myself to be useful
Something new and different
Something bright and unseen
Maybe I’ll make you twinkle and sparkle
like sunshine on water

Maybe I’ll be able to sparkle some too

Stars

I watch the color
change and fade
in the sky
in my eyes
in my heart

and then the stars break through

red and blue and green
the pale white
the twinkling and sparkling
spinning and shining

a billion tiny lights
all glistening in the dark
full of secrets and wishes
kept for centuries
and millennia

what whispers of love
could the stars tell
the stories of heartbreak
and victory
of elopements and weddings
of lust and swords
tears and trust

the stars paint me pictures
moving slowly with the world
as it spins
singing me to sleep

I stare at the moon and stars
and I wonder
where amongst them are you?
does your heart wander
amongst the quiet of the stars too?

there is comfort in knowing
you see the same moon
as I do

and I send out another
whispered wish
and a quiet prayer
that will hide itself
among the stars

until they find me you

I found a tiny cross
Just the other night
At the bottom of a bag
That had yet to see the light

I clutched it to me tightly
And I laughed with pain and glee
I’d forgotten just how much
That tiny cross had meant to me

I remember the day you found it
I remember your delight
It was when your eyes still shown
With some beautiful semblance of light

Combing through row and rows
Tiny beads, bones and bows

Then at last you’d found the one
That tiny missing piece
You couldn’t believe your luck
Your soul had found release

It was just a tiny cross
In the middle of the jumble
But the way you smiled crooked
My heart couldn’t help but tumble

Because at that very moment
In the middle of our life
I knew I could spend the rest happily
If I could be your wife

With so much care and joy
For such a tiny cross
I just knew your faith in God above
Would never be a loss

That’s why finding this meant so much
This cross and I find ourselves
A common place:
Upon the unlooked at shelves

Of a heart
Once thought so true
I should have recognized
The faithless heart in you

Don't you question me?
Because I do

The look in your eyes
is quiet
like you've never heard the thunder
or felt the torrents of rain

How is that possible?

I question
the calm of your ocean eyes
I am greens and blues,
a fog filled bay

Treacherous sea,
that's the heart of me
but you
are a clear mountain spring
new and bright as morning

And all I want to know
is if this is real

Maybe what I see
is the calm before the storm

because you could be
the eye of the storm
Or the heart of the sea,
the sea in me

Tea Leaves

Heart catches in my throat
and I find it heard to breathe
Could you break me open
to see how I work?

Or maybe you could read
the dregs of my emotions
like the leftover tea leaves
in your mug

At least the tea
can warm your hands

Fatal Flaw

Favorite things of this very moment (12:51 pm CST):

• A&W Cream Soda
• Jack Johnson's "In Between Dreams" cd
• The voices of the little ones playing across the hall in Mona Lisa's
• Having a job today
• Meeting so many different people this morning
• The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordan

I've been rereading The Sea of Monsters today, and they discuss the fact that every hero has a fatal flaw. One of the characters fatal flaw is hubris (deadly pride) and it lead me to wondering...what is my fatal flaw?

I know I am proud, but I don't feel like I'd do a better job running anything really. Perhaps it's my lack of self-confidence. That might work...I mean I have a tendency to completely disown my own thoughts, feelings, and/or abilities at times. Or worse, my hopes and dreams.

Or maybe it's loyalty. The fact that I would do almost anything to protect and care for the people I love, sometimes even going so far as taking on their burdens as my own and not making them actually take the time to work them out, or allowing people leeway while forgetting my own needs. Maybe.

Whatever the case, I think it's something interesting to consider. I'll leave you with one final thought from Annabeth in The Sea of Monsters about fatal flaws:

"If you don't find it and learn to control it...well, they don't call it 'fatal' for nothing."

Don't Let It Fool You

Favorite things of this very moment (2:59 pm CST):

• That I have a job today and tomorrow at Basket Beginnings in Conover (you should probably come check it out)
• My "When Your Heart Aches" mix playing on the store's cd player (more on this later)
• The Olympians Series by Rick Riordan (read it, have your kids read it, your friends read it, your kids friends read it, and anyone else you know...they should probably read it too)
• That I should be getting the 4th book in the Olympians Series tomorrow (The Battle of the Labyrinth)!! Sweetness!
• Having plans to hang out with Jay & Ben with a box of juicebags (I'll be picking them up on my way home from work) on the front porch tonight (oh yes, this means Front Porch Talk season could be officially open for business!)
• Andy accepting my Facebook Friends Request (yes, you heard me, it's my favorite)
• My summer jewelry being something I feel the urge to wear again
• No socks!

My posts probably have made you aware, but I'm feeling a little crazy this week.

Have you ever had an event that basically throws you off-kilter? It makes everything seem discombobulated (hey, I spelled that right! Party! Bonus!) and different. Like you're looking at the world from a different perspective or having new bearings?

That's how I feel, and I don't know if that's a good thing yet or not.

I'm currently trying to work out how crazy I am, and also what on earth I'm really dealing with. Sometimes it's hard for me to truly place what's going on in my head and heart. I'm sure most people have this happen from time to time, and that pretty much sums me up. I keep looking at my heart and wondering...

Is this different?

Or maybe it's just in my head. Whatever it is, I'm acting crazy, and I'd like to get a good grip on my heart and head and make them agree...at least for a little while.

Anyway, as promised, and on a less dramatic note, more on the "When Your Heart Aches" mix: I guess all I really want to say is that this is my current favorite mix. I put it together this week, and it's virtually all I've listened to. I pulled the songs from various old mixes, a few new mixes, and just old beloved stuff. I needed something that would make me smile and feel a little happier in my own way. So without further ado, the mix...

When Your Heart Aches:

1. This Time Around - Hanson
2. Anchor - Brandon Clark & The American Standard (check them out on facebook, my friend, Brandon and his band are AMAZING)
3. Heartbreak Warfare - John Mayer
4. Breezy - Conor Oberst (Thank you, Nikky)
5. Don't Move - Butch Walker
6. Oil & Water - Incubus (Brandon Boyd has a beautiful voice)
7. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson (ah yes, the old theme song)
8. I'll Be the Wind - Garth Brooks
9. Moshi Moshi (acoustic) - Brand New
10. Lips Like Morphine - Kill Hannah
11. On Your Porch - The Format
12. Girl I Wanna Lay You Down - Jack Johnson (might not be the real title)
13. Wreck Me - Butch Walker (I put this song on repeat often)
14. Absolutely Still - Better Than Ezra
15. Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance
16. Restless - Brandon Clark & The American Standard
17. Say - John Mayer
18. Straight Up - Halifax

inversion

the text of my life is in need of editing.
enter between the lines,
pick up the pen of your love,
let your mystery engulf my heart,
rewrite me.

reveal yourself to me
even if it means that
i must disappear
into you

by Steven James, Story

In this quiet room
all I hear is John Mayer singing,
"There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me."
It echoes in my hollow chest
and rattles in my head
and bones
because I wonder what that says about me

Will you forget about me?
Please don't forget about me
I am scared you'll forget about me

Because you are something unexpected
and I keep catching myself dreaming
of churches
and white dresses
and a man in a tux next to me
That's when it hits me
he's always you

Since when does this dream have a face
is the heart in your chest beating in time with mine
Or is that just me
Wishful thinking

Hear me please
in the dark tonight
words will whisper in your ear,
"I wish you were here...
I'm scared you'll forget about me."
Those whispers in the wind
are mine
The wind will brush against your face
(I wish it was my hand)
And the moon and the stars will shine and see you
(I wish I could)

Desire overwhelms
and the ache and words echo
"There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me."

Little Victories

(One of my favorite of Nikky's sketches...I just like the idea of a beautiful night city in the clouds)

I wish I could move my keyboard at the desktop computer. Just enough so that I could turn myself all the way to one of the windows and just stare out as I type with the keyboard on my lap, but as that's not possible, I'll settle for taking a look out the window every few seconds. I can't help but stare in wonder out the windows today. The sunshine is stunning, and I can see the earth trying to slowly change color. There's a woman out standing on her balcony that I've never seen before and she's out smoking in the sunshine. You know what I'm finding funny? How when a person is lighting a cigarette with their head bowed into their palms...it almost looks like they're praying.

My brain seems to be wanting to be a little bit insomniac again. I haven't been able to get to sleep well lately. It just seems like there's always something extra running through my veins to a point where my skins seems to crackle and itch with electricity when I'm laying in bed feeling restless and broken. It leads to a lot of questions and late night discussions with God. I think I'm still missing something from these talks, but maybe I'm getting closer.

Last night was probably the worst so far this time around. I kept having to turn on my light and grab something more to read. I spent awhile reading different versions of John 1, and realized that this would only lead to me being aggravated. The NIV takes way too many liberties and doesn't really tie into the original Greek at rather important junctures. This probably didn't help my already keyed up mind very much. I eventually gave up trying to resolve my restlessness in John and turned my lights back off. There was quite a bit more tossing and turning and a few more questions asked of God. It made me all the more glad that I'd gotten rid of the leftover Viodocin I'd found in my dresser from when the doctor gave me some for my back. Those pills were going to become trouble if I didn't get rid of them, and I'm glad God gave me the sense to recognize that. I can pretty much guarantee they would have been what I turned to last night if I hadn't destroyed them.

Maybe life is little victories. Getting rid of pain pills. Drinking green tea in the morning instead of multiple cups of coffee. Taking a walk outside in the sunshine instead of going back to bed. Doing something for someone else when you could be feeding your own addictions.

Sometimes I feel like living for God is too big for me. Like His expectations and desires are beyond anything I can contain or abide by, but then I remember that I Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but when you are tempted he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." He won't let things come into my life that I can't surpass with his power. Nothing big.

He's the God of little things too.

So, really, my idea of little victories isn't that crazy. Each little thing that I do right is a victory. Each choice I make can be a victory. Even down to clearing out my thoughts and repeatedly turning my lamp back on so that I focus again can be a victory.

Maybe this sounds crazy to you, but it's my thought today. I'm going to live today in the realm of little victories, and I'll see where it takes me. Let's hope today is blessed for all of us.

Burning in the Rain

Blood rushing to my head
I can’t help but feel the need to scream
above the beat and above the world
where are we going to now?

And where are you?
Are you really what I’m seeing
I don’t trust my vision anymore
if you were me,
you’d know that sometimes what you see
isn’t anything like what you get

And if you had scars from all the times
you’d been burned,
heart and soul,
before
Wouldn’t you question this?

Perhaps it’s a gift
or maybe just desire
but your graciousness sets something in me on fire
And how can I deal with that

Sky spinning as I fall
But where am I falling too?
the ground is soft
Or is it my bed
I don’t know
And I’m not inside my head

Instead I’m breaking

And somewhere out there
Something exists
that could hold my head
my heart
together

Then again,
he could be a figment too

And I’m crying and praying
driving like a maniac down rain covered streets
blackness and tired coating all of this

Why in the rain do I feel fire?

And I still see your smile when I close my eyes

Go Serve

(Andy Shaw and I getting the garlic bread cut up and taken care of for the dinner. I think Andy is probably asking me how he needs to arrange the bread in the pan. That cracked me up. I mean, really?)

Favorite things of this very moment (12:00 pm CST):

• Knowing the Go Serve Team got my letters this morning and that it gave them all something to smile about (and possibly think I'm a psycho for...ha)
• Brand New's song "Moshi Moshi"
• Black tank tops & long jeans
• Getting a few minutes to talk to Ben
• Knowing I've only been up for 2 hours (Do you know the last time I slept in?)
• New music to listen to
• Memories of this past weekend

This weekend was wonderful.

Let me try to explain what it felt like.

Imagine being stuck in the middle of the desert without water. You're alone and you are completely dried out. You can't remember how long you've been like this, and you aren't sure how much longer you can hold on. Then imagine being found and rescued by people who love you and they have tons of cold, refreshing, life-giving water with them. That's a little bit what it was like.

I have felt like a fire doused with water. Smoldering embers of a former fire.

But this weekend was a fire renewed. The Go Serve team comes up from ABC and lights everything back up. I had a purpose and was surrounded by friends. It was wonderful. The concept of the Go Serve team is for a group of college students go around to churches around the country and help out in any way they can. They clean and help and do literally whatever they can to be of use. It was inspiring and wonderful.

Spent a lot of time talking to the crew, working with them so that I could serve along side them and help them in any way I could, made a new friend, and got to grow my relationships with some friends.

Life is good and I needed hope. Without meaning to, they definitely supplied it. God gave me a gift of a good weekend with people I love. A mini oasis in life. I am grateful. Hopefully I'll be able to further that fire. Hopefully you'll find something to do that for you too.