One Last Week: Take It All

Ah, Life...

A week from today the man I genuinely thought I would one day marry is going to marry someone else.  Not only that, but the girl he is marrying makes his entire family and all his friends horribly nervous.

Believe it or not, I had been doing a fairly good job of keep it together.  I had been moving forward, I had begun to truly pull my heart away and started seeing possibilities and hopes in other realms entirely.  I had gotten good at pretending that my heart wasn't screaming, and I had realized that this man that I loved was no longer the man I had met.  No longer the man who was my best friend, but someone new.  Someone different.  Someone I no longer wanted to love or be a part of, and that had really helped.

But then I went to FUEL.  FUEL itself was a beautiful thing (more on that later), but there I had to spend each day confronted with this reality.  Spent my week with his beautiful sister, with her boyfriend, with his brother and sister-in-law, with his aunt, with many of our mutual friends, and several of his cousins.  Somehow...in the midst of all of this, in the midst of the crazy and the storm and the change and the hopes and new desires, my heart went back to screaming.  It started when his sister told me, for the first time, that she really didn't want this to happen.  How could I have been so blind to this?  I have wished so many times in the past few days that I had known this before.  That maybe I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own pain and frustration to never ask her how she felt.  I may not do a good job fighting for myself, but I could have fought for his sister's heart.  It would have been easier to ask him to please, please talk to her about this whole situation because I could see this was breaking her heart.

Over and over again this week I realized how stupid it was that I wasn't completely honest with him when he asked the first time.  Why didn't I tell him exactly what I thought of his dating this girl?  Why didn't I tell him that I really was heart broken because he had walked out on me when I needed him?  Why didn't I tell him that this girl made me nervous and I thought she was after him simply because I think she believes he has money and he looks insanely like her ex-boyfriend?  He deserved better than that.

He deserved someone who would tell him exactly how incredible he really was.  How just looking at him made me smile, how his voice was my favorite in the world, how musical his laugh was, how he made me want to be something busy, how smart he truly was, how talented he was with an instrument he picked up, how much his paintings deserved to recognized, how much his family adored him, how blessed he was, and how much good could be seen in him.

There was a time where this man felt like an extension of my beating heart, but now he's become a stranger.  This breaks my heart.

A week from today, he will marry another girl.  He'll leave on his honeymoon, and I will have to learn to switch over my heart and start praying that their relationship actually lasts instead of crashing and burning like everyone seems to be afraid will happen.

And then I will learn to live a different life again.  God help me.

Tangible

Tired. So tired.
How can I be so wonderful
when every man goes to someone else's arms
Dear friend, wonderful, lovely
All have kind words
All seek my grace and help
I am sought for hope, for encouragement, advice
but never pursued or loved
You can't hurry love, right?
You just have to wait
So blessed, but still wanting more
My heart longs and breaks for
something tangible to hold

Miles of Night

My heart spans the miles tonight
heat rises off the pavement
drinking in the humidity
I find myself missing
every hot Georgia day...

The crickets and locust join
in the chorus
singing songs of heat and long summer nights
the farm still overlooking the ponds and the trees
knowing Grandpa's farm breakfast lay in wait

Or the stars twinkling
pulling me towards
a summer love spent
kissing on my front porch
and watching the stars twinkle

Or maybe July nights spent
singing and laughing and falling in love
with each new friend

But the truth and time find me
in the space between
two fans, my heart, and you

The future is still a MadLib
I see you smiling as we begin
to fill in the blanks

Where Have All the Wizards Gone?

A Jennie Lee Montgomery photo...is she not amazing?

As you may have noticed, I added a terribly cheesy off-the-cuff bit of poetry...

I use to be a writer.
A good one.
A good one becoming better every day.

Now, I'm a girl watching lightning bugs.  Watching the light fade behind the trees and wishing I could be part of the melting colors of the sky or the faded twinkle of the stars playing peek-a-boo with the night sky.

I miss writing poetry with real feeling, but I think I'm out of practice.

Tonight is a lot of cheerful hope mixed with underlying sadness for front porch talks gone by.

Nights like this make me miss Zuni's poetry and magic.  Few people have ever inspired me the way he did, and I miss that sense of wonder, talking in code, coming up with metaphors to describe love, and the advice.  More than anything I miss the advice.

Where have all the wizards gone?

Those wizards that could bring to life your idea or breath fire and light into the heart of you?  Spark magic into life?

I was never afraid when I had words of comfort, laughter, and hope to lean on.  I miss the reassurance that I was something perfect and magical myself.

Years of my life have changed much and much remains the same.  My heart bears more scars, but I look at them with a great deal more kindness than I thought I would ever have the grace to.  I love that they all tell stories of my greatest attempts...even if some were failures.

I fall in love with everyone I meet, and now I am at peace with this.  Someday it will not be love felt alone.

I need you so much closer...I need you so much closer...I need you so much closer

Lost in a Forest of Roses

Lost in a forest of roses
laying down beneath the buds
I stare up into the blooms
finding each is bright
each its own

They remind me of the ones
I have loved
Each man undoubtedly beautiful,
strength shown in their stance
But oh...the thorns

Thorns are unavoidable
maybe the pain caused
makes the rose (man) seem
more beautiful
to me

Gazing at these roses,
I find myself wondering
how many I will see
bloom and grow before my eyes
How many more will I give away?

Maybe I'm mixing metaphors
or similes, I couldn't say
Maybe it's silly to say 
or silly to ask
But I still wonder...


When
will 
the rose
be
for me?

Today is the First Day of my (Summer) Life

Ah, Summer.  You have returned to claim us again.

It is still warm, but not insanely hot like it has been for the past three days.  Seems kinda hilarious actually that it was so painfully, recordbreakingly hot for the last three days of Spring, and now it has dropped about ten degrees.  Not that I'm complaining.  Oh now, this weather is delightful and can stay or even continue to drop as far as I am concerned.  I'm better in cooler weather anyway.

But God's got this.  The weather is delightful.  The sunshine is making everything feel glorious and the breeze makes everything seem worthwhile.  The flowers are blooming, my brothers are working on a variety of things like resumes and thank you notes, and I am contemplating life in general.  I should probably be making a return phone call to the wonderful guy that called me earlier, but a friend of mine is supposed to be stopping by soon to show me a new project she has taken on and I want to make sure I am fully present.  I want to make sure my friend gets my best when I talk to him too, so that phone call will probably have to wait till tomorrow as both our schedules look to be filled for the evening.  At least that gives me something to look forward to (and be, for reasons I can't list, ridiculously nervous about..ha) for tomorrow.

Tomorrow will also hold yet another chiropractic appointment.  Hopefully after it I will not find myself wanting to cry for several hours which is typically the case, but I will say this, each of those appointments has made me feel a little better and made me a little more cheerful.

I did actually finally hear back from Dar at the office.  I emailed her yesterday to explain my situation after trying yet again to call the office and talk to her or Marc without success.  She emailed me back right away.  She really put my mind at ease.  Dar told me to make sure that I listen to my doctor and not push myself.  I am not to rush back to the office, but instead to make sure I am healing really well first.  You gotta appreciate that.  Now I just need to finish healing up and head back to work.  I am planning to return to work Monday.  Yes, this means I am down nearly two full weeks worth of pay, but if it keeps me from being in horrible pain because I am pushing myself too hard...I'll take it.

I also begin house-sitting tomorrow night.  I may take Joel and/or Forrest with me tomorrow night just to be on the safe side, but we'll see.  I may be doing fine on my own by tomorrow night.  I hope so.  I could use some time alone, as well as some time believing I am actually capable of taking care of myself again.  Plus, I just taking care of this house for my friends.  One of the best gigs you could ever have, and it gives me a little time to feel like an adult again.

Well, now I should probably sign off, but I shall leave you with a long overdue list.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (4:58 pm CST):

• Golden sunshine
• What's a Girl to Do? by Janet Folger
• Unsweetened ice tea
• "You Only Live Twice"
• Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine (Nikky, I am so addicted to this stuff)
• The cooler temperatures
• Finally hearing from my office manager!

So If I Want to Paint my Fingernails Green...

Today I am home yet again today.  I am getting tired of being home.  I am getting tired of hurting all the time.

The weird thing is, I feel like I am learning a lot about myself that I did not expect.  I am amazed by the way God will use something this lousy and teach you something good.

In my case, he is teaching me a great deal about my need to trust that other people have my best interest at heart, that I can rely on people when I actually need help, and that God will find ways to use this for the good.  I am grateful for the good.  Can't say this is what I had in mind for my life here, now, or ever, but I am glad this happened now instead of right after I move.  At least I was here and home safe.

Sometime this afternoon I have to face to my fear that my boss will be super mad at me and actually call.  I am really afraid of calling because I am genuinely worried that my boss will be furious and will decide that my absence is no longer acceptable and will fire me.  I really don't want to be fired.  I need the money.  Especially if I am actually going to be able to move in a couple months.  I could use a little prayer and hope.  I am also hoping that I can be brave and make some sense.  I am hoping I will be back at work at the end of the week, but I may not get to be back till next week.  Please pray for patience for me to heal and please pray that Marc will understand and have some patience for me too.

Until I can talk myself into doing that, I am going to work on just relaxing.  I painted my fingernails green today.  I realized this nail polish would have been the perfect color to match my bridesmaid's dress for Amber and Jake's wedding.  Too bad I didn't use it then, but I am enjoying looking at my fingernails sparkle.  I've also started watching all the movies I have never taken the time to watch.  I also have gotten some reading done, and I've written a bunch of letters.  All things I just haven't had the time or energy to undertake recently, but now, since I'm pretty much confined to the two couches in my living room because my walking radius remains very small, I am getting a lot done.  I guess at some point God might take you out of the game for awhile so that you actually focus on things that will matter and bring you real joy.  God is incredible.  He is the sneakiest guy I know, and I am grateful.