Just a Poem I Wish I Had Written

To a Stranger
by Walt Whitman (1819 - 1892)
Passing stranger! you do not know
How longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking,
Or she I was seeking
(It comes to me as a dream)

I have somewhere surely
Lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall'd as we flit by each other,
Fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,

You grew up with me,
Were a boy with me or a girl with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become
not yours only nor left my body mine only,

You give me the pleasure of your eyes,
face, flesh as we pass,
You take of my beard, breast, hands,
in return,

I am not to speak to you,
I am to think of you
when I sit alone or wake at night, alone
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

Keeps on Keeping on

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (9:56 am CST):

• The picture of my sidewalk chalk elephant
• Knowing I've committed my first good deed of the day by rescuing Jack (the one-eyed pirate Momma kitty) from the large orange tabby down the road (Jack and her little one are now hanging out in the safety of our backyard)
• Registering to win pointless prizes at go.rrstar.com/winstuff...There was something in the list of prizes I want, but I sincerely don't remember what it is...ha
• The Year of Pleasures by Elizabeth Berg, it gives me hope
• Remembering on waking up that my dream had been about spending time with a very alive, very cheerful, very much himself - Zuni
• Crossing things off of my to-do list
• Getting things moving along for Kayla and Terrence's wedding present
• Glorious golden sunshine

I realized that after making my last big speech about trying new things that I never kept anyone updated on the new things I was trying, so I guess I'll have to attempt to do about job about that. On that note, I wanted to mention a couple of first for me over the past weekend.

I ate prickly pears. I bought some of the prickly pears (fruit of the cactus..ha.) at Valli Produce in Rockford about a week and a half ago, and I ate them this past Friday. The purple one was the weirdest color and when I was cutting it up to eat it, the juice was an unreal purple/pink color that I'd only seen in markers prior to then. Completely bizarre. They were alright. Nothing super exciting, so I probably won't buy them again, but it was interesting to try.

Also, I saw armadillos outside of a zoo. At least 7 of them (probably more). Sadly, they were all dead on the side of the interstate in Missouri. My Uncle Jon says that armadillos are probably born dead because that's the only way anyone ever seems to see them. I was super disappointed that we never go a chance to see a live one. You can't really enjoy a picture of a dead armadillo...so yeah...

This past weekend I took a road trip down for my Grandma Thomas' 90th birthday party with David and his girlfriend, Kelsey. That was another first. I've never traveled anywhere with Kelsey and it's definitely the first time we've ever taken anyone's significant other with us to a family function. I think Kelsey had fun, even if she did seem a little overwhelmed. It was a great way to get to know her better though. We got to talk a lot. She and I stayed with my cousin, Lacey on Saturday night so it was just us a lot of the time. She really did handle all of it very well. I also actually saw Kelsey acting silly for the first time possibly ever. On the way home we stopped at Arby's for dinner and the 3 of us were making fun of the cheesy music they had playing, she actually sang along in an incredibly ridiculous over-acting type manner. It was hilarious.

Which reminds me, I tried bronco berry sauce at Arby's. Another first. A weird one. It's alright, but it would be better with chicken strips and not jalapeno poppers.

I'm sure there will be more new things tried in the weeks to come. I just figure the more open I am to new things big and small the more interesting life will be. I don't want to ever die wondering.

Life moves.

Try New Things

Let's start with an old thing that I love to do, my favorite things of this very moment list (11:28 am CST edition):

• John Denver, John Mayer, and Jay Laurent's music
• Folder's Hazelnut bistro (or something some name like that) coffee with a little sugar and some milk
• My beautiful Fujifilm S 3000 digital camera
• Amazon.com
• The Visual bookshelf application on facebook
• Getting a call first thing this morning to get question on various things Kayla likes and what I think about various things for her bridal shower at the church next Monday night and then also getting asked to lead games...ha. More on that later.
• "Covered in Rain" by John Mayer

I decided that while Nikky and Kayla are both at FUEL I will attempt to do as many new things as I can this week. This is mostly a mental ploy on my part to keep myself from getting frumpy and whiny and too bored while my best friends are at FUEL. Besides, who doesn't know the magic of trying new things? They always seem to pull you out of a rut and sometimes help you understand yourself a little better, so onto new things.

Let's start with the one that's probably my favorite this morning: Getting a semi-famous musicians cell number. Yes, that's right. Brandon Clark gave me his number. I probably shouldn't publicize that. He might have crazy stalker fans. That would be bad, but I'm just so excited that I actually have his number and that the next time I'm in the south or I know he's in town I can actually call him and see him. It's kinda the coolest thing ever. Besides, this means Nikky will actually get to meet him in person one of these days! Party! Bonus!

Last night I took the first of what will hopefully be a series of Ned Flanders Photos. Oh yes. I have plans for him. He's going to travel with me this week. Show people just how exciting my life is. Hahahaha.

Spent some time this morning on www.beehiveco-op.com. Made myself a little sick looking at the prices of their clothes, but really like the concept and the way everything looks. Maybe one of these days I won't feel insanely guilty for just looking at the stuff on the site and maybe I'll actually purchase myself an outfit.

Gail Tuttle called me this morning and asked me a bunch of questions about Kayla's preferences on snacks for the church bridal shower for her, and I realized I am losing all that I know about Kayla. This week I'll be working on some Kayla Appreciation Projects. I started working on a mix for her last night and hopefully I'll have at least 2 for her by the time she comes home. I also determined that I need to buy some Arbor Mist for her couples bridal shower (which I am tempted to tell Jay he should go with me to except for the fact that we're not a couple and I don't know if it's healthy to even in the back of my mind somewhere always feel like we should be even though I know we never will be and that it's probably just as well...sheesh). But back to the church bridal shower, Gail asked me to lead the games. I agreed. Yeah. Maybe I'm crazy, but this is for my Kayladrew and I'd do just about anything in the world for her, so we'll see how that goes. Gail was going to try to come up with some games and I'm going to lead them. I wish Kayla was home so that I could make sure this is what she wants, but she's at FUEL and I'm going to leave her be to enjoy her week.

Hopefully the new things will continue. I'll do what I can to make sure they happen. :) More as this develops.

Truth

For the past 24 hours I have been thoroughly contemplating the meaning of truth. Not just truth, but honesty. What constitutes honesty? At what point is simply not speaking up telling a lie?

I'm sure many people would argue with me, but I do believe that omitting what you know at some point does become lying. I think there's a huge amount of pain and heartbreak caused simply because we don't step up and say what we mean when we realize that circumstances, feelings, situations, have changed.

Don't lie.

Dross

Sometimes, I'm realizing, you just have to be pushed to realize your correct direction. I've been watching people a lot lately (not that there's ever been much of a time where this wasn't a common occurrence), and I've been thinking about this. I think trials are what make us who we really are.

There's a song that we use to sing all the time at church, of course it's name escapes me at the moment, but it went something like this, "Start a fire in me/Let the flames run free/Burn away the dross/Holy fire of God." This song went on for an eternity, but it did capture my imagination. Sometimes we are truly given a trial by fire. You experience a major tear in a relationship, you heart is broken, you or someone you love becomes seriously ill or injured, someone you love dies, people decide to turn there lives completely out of moral reality...

Sometimes life pushes us to our very edge. It's in these times of loneliness, brokenness, solitude, that we realize who and what we really are. When we're stripped bare of all our extras, of all the things we thought we needed, all of what we believe we were, only to realize that what's left behind after tragedy is new growth...

We a stronger. We, the broken, are the courageous ones if only we are willing to stand back up.

A friend of mine has been alone for years. He's a great, loving, God-fearing guy with a ridiculous sense of humor, but he's been alone. Earlier this year, he told me that he'd come to terms with the fact that he'd probably be alone for the rest of his life. He'd decided that even if he never found the girl of his dreams, that was okay, because he finally knew who he was. And that's when I started to see knew growth. He'd been stripped of his dreams, and it wasn't that he'd lost hope, he'd gained perspective and wisdom that I still can't comprehend. His patience and joy in the midst of frustrating times are truly inspiring. Even though he'd been alone for so long...there is a happy ending, because, he's recently fallen in love. He's found himself a wonderful girl, and I genuinely hope that this is the one.

Life has a funny was of coming back around. I guess the best plan is to keep living each moment for the best, and in the end...it works out.

Twenty-Three

Favorite Things of this very Moment (10:05 am CST):

• Rockstar Roasted Coffee & Energy: light vanilla
• "Second Hand Lions" on DVD
• Sunshine & perfect temperatures
• Black tank tops
• Dark, glossy, vampirical nail polish...ha.
• Happy cats enjoying the sunshine and weather right along with me
• Being 23
• Giraffe's
• Michael Caine's questionable southern accent (it's alright, but it wavers)

Yesterday was my 23 birthday. I have a policy with birthdays. It's a self-preservation policy. I don't make a big deal about my birthday. In fact I try to have virtually no expectations for it. As sad as it may sound, I firmly believe that they less I expect, the better the day will be. I don't like being the center of attention, but it's painful to be forgotten.

It was a beautiful day. I was incredibly lazy. I went and picked up breakfast and went to visit Mom. I made the crust for my birthday pie (I like being a little unconventional), used the peanut butter cookie dough Mom & I picked up to make some cookies, and made wonderful sun tea. Mmm...

Kayla stopped by yesterday and brought me some completely beautiful flowers. They smell wonderful. Few things in life are sweeter than the simple pleasure of being given flowers. I don't know why this is...but it makes you feel good.

Dan came by to talk and brought me a Rockstar. It's quite tasty. I'm enjoying it right now. Mmm...

I even came home to eat Zucchini pie (is there anything better?) and then for dessert a delicious piece of peanut butter pie (Nik, I'm putting that recipe in your notebook shortly).

The only damper on the day? David wasn't home at all yesterday night. At least not after I came home from work. Apparently he'd forgotten it was my birthday until Mom mentioned it at supper and he felt bad. I don't care if he got me a gift, that's not an issue, but I did miss having him around to have pie with. Is it silly that this made me so sad? Having Mom, Dad, Dave, and the boys around is really the only part of my birthday I ever count on. Simple as it is, having them all around to have dessert with is really my favorite part.

*sigh* Whatever, I guess.

Then again, talking to Nikky last night really made up for it in spades. Getting to talk to your best friend is truly a wonderful thing. Of course, it really didn't hurt that she had the fantastic Sham-Wow story for me. Did you know the Sham-Wow guy was recently put in prison for assault? He was repeatedly punching a prostitute because she wouldn't let go of his tongue...come on...seriously? Wow. But honestly, I adore Nikky, and talking to her made the day end perfectly.

Honestly, my birthday was lovely. Nothing fancy and overblown, but the people I love love me. For this I am grateful.

Ecstatic albiet Strange

Favorite things of this very moment (10:51 pm CST):

Runaway Bride" on VHS (I need to get a DVD copy, this VHS is old and it's starting to show)

Chocolate syrup (even if it isn't super high quality)

Seeing my final grades

http://www.thelongestway.com/ (I just find this guy fascinating)

http://www.xkcd.com/ (The world's best webcomic...at least in my humble opinion)

That I'll be 23 in less than 2 hours

The perfect temperature of this evening...glorious

So tonight you'll find me sitting in front of my computer with a glass of milk watching (depending on the moment) either "Runaway Bride" or watching a YouTube video of the Rocky Theme that K-boo sent me several months back that I just forgot about and just realized was still in my inbox this evening while being insanely excited about my final grades.

I passed! Not only did I get the A I expected from my HSV 270 class, but I also managed to pass with a C in my math class! Do you know what this means? That I don't have to take any more math. That should have covered my requirement for math for college! This is the best news I've had in the LONGEST time! No more math! Ah ha! YES! I ran and scared my parents as they're trying to get ready for bed by being overly excited about having passed, but they understood. This was something I've been worried about all semester, and this is the only time I've passed a math class since entering college (pathetic but true). It's just an incredibly exhilirating feeling knowing that I'm done! My mom's reaction: "Congradulations! Happy birthday!" haha...yes. It will be! :)

The only thing that could make this better: Nikky being here. I know this isn't exactly a possible thing right now (we need a teleportation device, I really need to convince Ben that this should be his engineering/genius focus, either that or we need to become billionaire's instantly so that we can own a private jet and shuttle ourselves back and forth constantly...or maybe we should just live together...oh wait...that's what we'll do this coming year...haha), but it would be awesome. This is when cellphones, the internet, and other modern convienences come in handy. :)

Life is good tonight.

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