Joy

Favorite things of this very moment (2:43 pm):

• Having plans for next Friday night to hang out with Amber (I can finally give her the Christmas present that has been sitting on my dresser since the last time I saw her)
• Having plans for this weekend with Herminder and possibly Cindy (It's so weird to actually have plans to do anything at all on the weekends considering my practically hermit-like state for the past 6 months or so)
• The wacky lamps here at the office
• Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare
• Having finished De Profundis by Oscar Wilde

Yes, things are going to be just fine.

You know what brings me joy? Lots of things. I've decided to share some with you in light of a friend recently sharing with me some things that really brought her joy and therefore made me feel compelled to share some joy here as well...yeah...

For instance, I love watching the snow fall while sitting in my big orange chair sipping tea or hot chocolate. I could sit there all day reading and listening to some Coldplay or Train or John Mayer, something that makes me feel safe and comfortable. It's one of those things that makes the rest of the world disappear for awhile. Just to be able to think and relax and enjoy the beauty of the snowflakes floating down creating a new world in such a short span of time. It's overwhelmingly beautiful at times.

I also find pleasure in my drive home from work every evening. It's a very short drive and incredibly uneventful, but in the fall and winter I usually get to see the sky at sunset...the clouds that turn into cotton candy pastels or dark and royal shades of purple or even neon pink to a point you expect to see advertisements. But the only thing the clouds really advertise is that God is definitely at work. I think the way the sunlight plays across the fields dancing in the shadows of the snow hills or bushes...it's beautiful. I look up into the sky as I go along wishing I was a painter...it would be wonderful to paint the sunsets of every evening.

I recently was thinking about how wonderful it would be to own my own business if for no other reason than the fact that I could make sure I was able to go outside and watch the sunset every evening. No matter what time of year, I could always make sure I was out and watching the sun as it set, and there are few greater freedoms. It makes me envy generations before me that didn't have such hectic schedules or structured lives. People who were out in the fields watching the sunrise and set every day...I'm sure there were many things about their jobs they didn't enjoy all of the time, but I can't imagine anyone not being able to pause for a moment and thank God for the splendor of His design. The skies were some of His most glorious and beautiful works when I think about it.

Just think of the stars. And the moon. Oh. How I love them all. I live for summer nights when I can go out and lay on the trampoline at Kayla's and we count shooting stars and talk about whatever crosses our minds. Or simply those magical warm nights where the moon shines pure silver across everything, so bright you could drive home without headlights (I'll admit, I've done it before, I was just so entranced with the pale light...I had to try). It makes everything seem magical. Sometimes I feel as if fairies should appear, but in their absence, the fireflies will do. There's a complete and beautiful perfection in the stars...I adore it.

One of these days, I'd like to head to Montana or Wyoming or Alaska or even somewhere in the Canadian tundra....just so I could look at the night skies without all the light pollution. It must be magnificent. Can you imagine? And endless summer sky full of stars with the moon shining down on you. Definitely the perfect romantic setting. I think I'd want to lay on the grass and read A Midsummer Night's Dream on a night like that. Wouldn't it be perfect?

Well, now that I've really digressed...but that also brings me joy. I enjoy the silly tangents and daydreams that my life is so full of. Sure it's sometimes hard to get yourself back on track, but maybe that's for the best. Maybe the tangent you got off on is really where you need to be anyway. It's not improbable that's for sure.

Children's movies are another thing that brings me great amounts of joy. They're innocent and silly, and often they have a beautiful underlying message for children: Be who you were meant to be, Stand up for your friends and family, Be loyal, Be honest, Be generous and kindhearted, don't need to know where you're going as long as you know where you've been, and my favorite "Keep moving forward." That last one is especially true for me right now. (Is it strange that I find lessons in everything?) It's the one that I need to remember and find joy in the task. You keep moving forward. Will do.

Alright, enough of my nonsense. I just wanted to say that even though life gets messy, and my heart feels broken all too often anymore, there is still joy and so much beauty. Even in the brokenness.

Keep moving forward.

Send the Light

Favorite things of this very moment (11:07 pm):

• Having a stack of letters from Nikky to reread tomorrow
• Having a stack of new books to read
• A notebook covered in squirrels...bwahaha
• My cell phone
• Ben's honesty and logic
• Prayer
• Beds that don't try to eat you

I've been home from Ohio for 4 hours, and I already wish I was back.

God and I had a talk on the way home. The tears I've held in all weekend magically appeared several hours into the trip and lasted for quite awhile. I need to be more positive and more confident, but it's been a real struggle lately. Between the issues with money and the hopelessness and the overwhelming feeling of restlessness...I just don't know what to do next.

It's just that ever since I've been home from ABC, I feel I've lost something. A piece of me is missing...my worth, my purpose. People keep trying to explain my purpose to me, and so far, I haven't found a single one of them to be truly right. Sure, I've been able to help out in different areas, but as far as permanent position here...no. Nothing.

Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do?

I am scared. I'm scared to uproot myself and move, but to be honest, I need a bigger space, new room to grow. It's like those plants that have to be transplanted because their roots start to strangle them...that's kind of how I feel.

I adore my family, and if I end up being called to leave, I will miss them terribly. Don't misunderstand that, it's just that...I feel like I may need to be somewhere else.

Ben thinks I need to be somewhere else. I've got a lot more praying, reading and pondering to do...but he may be right.

The Distance

Favorite things of this very moment (12:00 pm):

• A Year in the World by Frances Mayes
• Daydreams
• Waking up to sunshine this morning which helped to dissipate the remnants of discontent and fear that I fell asleep with
• A functioning alarm clock
• Understanding parents
• Finishing the sugar, milk, and delectable flavored coffee that I brought with me from home this morning and savored as I read
• That 2008 is close at hand

I slept soundly till this morning when my alarm woke me up. I dreamt all through the night though I don't remember any of them. They were fairly well filled with turmoil, unspoken promises, broken hearts, fear, and disillusion. Yes, I know I just said I didn't remember them... I don't, but the feelings remained. When my alarm went off, I thought someone was drunk dialing me again (it did happen this past weekend, from someone I never expected...which made it comical, even if he did wake me up in the middle of the night) only to realize the sun was shining and I needed to get up for work. It was comforting.

I spent yesterday evening with Jeff. He called twice yesterday. The first time to wish me a merry Christmas, and the second time to ask me to go to a movie with him. He said we hadn't spent much time together in a long time, and he thought we should. Sometimes you get so far away only to realize that despite your best intentions, best interest, the miles or time span...you're still in the same spot. Or can quickly find yourself sitting next to someone smiling and listening as if time has been standing still waiting for you to find it.

And then you realize you really have been growing up because though you're performing the same function and routine that you've lived through a thousand times before, as you close your eyes and listen, the voice is the same, but the person speaking is someone different from the one you saw when your eyes were open. Sometimes you can only really see someone when you're eyes are closed.

Which brings us back to going to sleep in such a wickedly cynical and fatalistic state of mind and waking up this morning letting the sunshine loose the fingers of feelings better left unsaid that had used their claws to hook themselves as deeply and painfully as they could in my heart and head. Morning light sometimes makes all the difference...

A Few Good Things

Favorite things of this very moment (3:53 pm):

• Finally having all my Christmas shopping done and knowing I got something everyone I bought for will actually want...Yes
• Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks
• Starbucks "dates" with Jenna
• Old fashioned cream drops
• That today is payday
• That Mom lets me wear her work boots
• Meeting the president of Sauk Valley Community College and him being such a nice man
• Fake facial hair
• Speculating on the origin and purpose of a group of teenage (well...possibly college) guys where suits and bow ties wondering collectively through Barnes & Noble (and yet they never sang...they should have)
• Friendly sales people who actually take your strange questions seriously and never question you carrying around a book with the words "Sex God" clearly printed on the cover
• That Christmas is 6 days away, Heather comes home in 2 days, Rachel comes home in 1 day, Jeff comes home in 2 days, and I will get to be in Ohio in 14 days...oh yeah...only 14

Life is good. Jenna and I spent a good deal of time today telling each other stories. Por ejemplo:

me: lighting my coat on fire, ABC stories, how I met people at FUEL

Jenna: how she met Mike Zizert & Jon Fletcher, the Tulip festival, her car accident

Needless to say, it was a very bizarre and lovely event. Spending time with one's cousins should always be this much fun. We're going to try and get together again before she heads back to school.

The only thing that didn't make me happy today was finding out that my Starbucks gift card will not work at the Starbucks in Barnes & Noble because though it is a Starbucks, it is technically not of the Starbucks or something weird, so next time I meet Jenna I may just say that we need to go to the "official" real-deal Starbucks so that I don't have to spend money. Geez.

Oh, and the other displeasing item was getting to the Dollar General to buy Veggie Tale's videos for my Sunday School class only to find 4 of them when we have, in fact, 7 kids (though only 4 of them show up regularly). Boo. Oh well, I got hideous snowman lanterns, so the kids are going to have to enjoy them and Kayla and I will make them cookies or something to go with them. So there. bwahaha.

All in all, an excellent, though very busy day.

And on that note, I have nothing outside of this to say. At least nothing constructive.

Death, True Love, Chases, Escapes, Miracles

Favorite things of this very moment (11:35 am):

• The following quote: "Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!" -Matt Frewer
  The that cut on my right index finger from the saw blade is healing nicely
• That Megan Ziegler is going to pull through all right
• That Wendy Thomas (Lacey and I's cousin), her boyfriend, Michael, and Michael's older brother all survived (without injury no less) crashing into a rock wall at 60 mph last night...
• My Fiji water bottle
• My blue Bitten thermal shirt
• Knowing what I am going to wear to Kyle and Angie's wedding
• New razor blades
• Feeling like I actually have a handle on my presentation for tomorrow
• Knowing that I have the money for my first tuition payment in the bank and I didn't have to borrow anything from anyone
• That God provides, even in the littlest things
• Crazy dreams and my mother's commentary

I'm glad I've gotten use to not eating lunch because I completely forgot to pack anything for today, and I have absolutely no money to pay for anything even if I did want to eat. Having The Cheese Shop next door can be a really miserable thing at times.

Yesterday I realized I'm losing weight because even with pj pants on under my jeans, my jeans were still falling down. I can tolerate the embarrassment of having my pants falling down (constantly) in front of 4 attractive men as long as there is a good reason for it. Yeah some weight loss!

By the way, the cut on my finger isn't real bad. It still hurts a little bit, and bled quite a bit when it happened, but it's not a big deal. I was just moving the saw to hang them up and caught the tip of my finger on one of the blades. Lovely, but it's healing just fine. I may have a weird little "x" shaped scar on my finger tip though depending on how it decides to heal.

And speaking of weird things that happened at work, I set my coat on fire on Saturday. Chris Ditto was in the hut eating his lunch while I was trying to get change, and I made the mistake of standing too close to Mr. Heater who apparently felt it was important to really warm me up. My coat strings caught on fire. The guy I was getting change for is suddenly says, "Your coat is on fire," and I, in all my brilliance, say, "What?" He says, "YOUR COAT IS ON FIRE." I look down and sure enough, I'm on fire. And what do you think I say in this extremely interesting moment? "Oh." I shake the coat out and it goes out. I hand the guy change. Chris didn't even react. It was amazing. And somehow I was completely unscathed and unshaken. God definitely does look out for me.

On a much sadder note, Malorie Ziegler died on Saturday. Megan, her older sister (who is a friend of Kayla, Jeff, and I's), was driving and they hit some ice or something and ended up in the other lane. They were t-boned. Malorie died on impact which is, sadly, probably for the best. Megan is currently in stable condition, but she is unaware of Malorie's death because at this point they have to keep her heavily sedated. They can't move her without her heart-rate rocketing, so they're just trying to keep her stable and let her heal before they do anything more. The good news is that the doctor's are optimistic about her recovery. They think she'll be able to heal completely and walk normally in the end. The bad thing is, even though it was an accident due to bad weather, Megan is probably going to feel guilty about this for a long time. The worst part this about this for me is watching Joel. Malorie was one of his best friends. The other night after we found out, he turned to me and said, "Jaymin, now I know exactly how you felt when Zuni died." My heart broke. Thirteen-year-old's should not have to face the death of someone that close to them. Especially another 13-year-old. It's not right. At all.

In times like this, all you can do is pray, and pray a lot. I figure I'll just do a lot of listening, make sure I give a lot of hugs, make sure the boys all know that they're important to me, and do all I can to keep them safe. And I'll pray.

But let's end this on a positive note, so I'll tell you 2 more stories:

God does answer prayer. I've been in a panic the past several days trying to figure out how I was going to set up a payment plan for classes and where this money would be coming from. I got online the other night and spent several hours filling out scholarship application stuff, trying to find my pin number for FAFSA, checking on odds and ends with financial aid, and finally trying to set up a payment plan. It was a miracle, I get into set up my payment plan and find out that I'll only owe the college $349 for my classes next semester. I didn't realize that I only had to fill out FAFSA once a year, so I had some money coming to me. It paid for my tuition except this remaining $349 and my books!

This was great, except that the first payment was due on Tuesday, and I thought I had to pay my speeding ticket Monday. Come to find out I had been reading the ticket wrong. I can't send in the ticket until this next week. I don't understand why it works this way, but it does, and that's fine with me. So that's alright, I don't have to pay the speeding ticket yet, but there's one more problem. I am short $2.13 for my first payment. Literally just $2.13. I suck it up and talk to my dad. Tell him that pathetically enough, I am short $2.13, kicking myself silently for buying a pair of Pomegranate Rock Stars to keep myself conscious while I worked out at Sinnissippi over the weekend on Friday night. Dad says it's not a big deal, he'll transfer a couple of bucks and I'll be just fine. I can pay him back when I get paid on Wednesday. So we're alright, I'm fine. I'm totally drained of all money at all and am still uncertain of where any money will be coming for the next several weeks, but at least this payment is taken care of.

Then, miracle of miracles, yesterday morning at Sinnissippi, a woman hands me a five bill as a tip. I thanked her and stared at it for a long time. I suddenly realized God had just provided me with the money I needed to cover the rest of my tuition bill. But it didn't stop there. The last family of the night came out just before we were closing, and the guys were really helpful to them. We stayed out in the field an extra 20 minutes just to make sure they got there trees and were all set. The last guy that paid handed me $10 and told me to make sure that the guys and I all went and got ourselves something warm to drink. Everyone kept thanking us for staying and telling us how sweet we were to do that. This means I got $7 in tips which completely covers the rest of my bill. I sent that and 3 dollars in change that I found in my car, my purse, and on my dresser. God provided, yet again. I didn't even realize I had any change, let alone that much. One less thing to worry about, thank you, God. :)

One last night, last night I had this crazy dream. This morning Mom was sitting with David and I while we ate breakfast before going to work, and I started telling them about this dream. I said a guy had planted a bomb at this college, and I had a guy friend there who I was trying to find so I could get him to leave with me.

Mom immediately asks, "What did your friend look like?"
I look at her strangely and ask in a real guarded way, "Why?"
She says, "Well I use to dream about your father, long before I met him."
I said, "Mom, I've always had dreams with guys with dark hair, but this guy was blond."
Mom continues, completely unphased by my saying this, "I use to dream about a guy with dark hair and blue eyes. I told of friend of mine that I was going to marry a guy with dark hair and blue eyes, and she thought I was crazy. That was before I'd ever seen your father, before I left to go to OBC."
All I can do is say, "Mom, I don't know who this guy was, but I know it wasn't Jay because he was a shorter guy." In fact, the guy in my dream looked vaguely like the blond guy Rory dated on Gilmore Girls whose name I cannot, for the life of me remember, the rich one. I can't remember the dream guys face though. I know I saw it. Often, actually, throughout the entire dream, but I can't see it in my head. All I can see is his outline and his hair (which, incidentally, I love).
"Jaymin, Aaron has kinda blond hair."
"Mom, isn't Aaron married?"
"I don't know for sure, but you've been at work with him the past couple of day, are you sure it wasn't Aaron?"
"No, I'm pretty sure, after spending all that time with him, that I'd recognize Aaron even in a dream." I thought about it for a moment, "It definitely wasn't Aaron. I don't know if I've ever seen this guy before. I can remember him except I can't remember his face."

I went on to tell them about my 2nd dream too. My mysterious blond friend was in that one too.

Mom just made sure to state again that she dreamed of dad on more than one occasion before meeting him and then, eventually, realizing he'd been the man in all those dreams. Mom's never suggested that this could happen to me, but I always thought those dreams of a guy with dark hair and eyes was the one for me...maybe not. Maybe Mom's on to something. Her dreams didn't start until just a little while before she met dad. *shrugs* Who knows.

Life is so strange. And on that note...I leave you.

After the Fall (The Best of Intentions)

Favorite things of this very moment (4:06 pm):

• Italian Sparkling Blood Orange Soda from World Market
• Terrence's quest for good male friends in this area
• Chocolate Mint Big Train Coffee Drinks (hot with whipped cream is best)
• That I will be done with first semester in 2 weeks
• That I work tomorrow (I NEED the money)
• Having the occasional brilliant idea
• A Year in the World by Frances Mayes
• Seeing I have a new voicemail message from Nikky (which I will listen to as soon as I leave work)
• Christmas decorations
• The pleasant and reoccurring daydream where I run around popping those ridiculous blow up Christmas bears and Santas and Reindeer, etc. that people have in their front lawns and then all of The Village holding a parade in my honor because we are finally free from the torment of these commercialized Christmas impostor decorations...bwahaha...*cough*...um...yeah...

I was typing an email earlier and realized there was something more to be said. I fall a lot. I don't mean in the physical sense (though I do a lot of that too...I'm clumsy, it happens), but in the sense of my goals. I have all these great plans, goals, and projects, but I never finish them.

I cannot seem to finish projects. The first example of this that always comes to mind is the checker board. My parents were given a checkers set from my Grandma Cheatwood when they got married. She made it herself. The pieces are little hearts and it's completely adorable and checkers were my favorite game for years and years because of this set. (what a poorly constructed sentence, I apologize) My Grandma gave me the pattern so that I could make my own set when I was probably 11. I had every intention of making my own set so that I could keep it forever and have it when I eventually moved out (yes, this was my thought process at 11), and I started it and worked and worked and worked, and eventually...I got bored. I was distracted and frustrated by the amount of time and energy that was needed to complete this simple project. I gave up. A few years later, I learned to cross-stitch. I got a really cute pattern and I intended to finish it so I could frame it and give it to my mother. I worked and worked and worked and eventually, you guessed it, got bored. I was frustrated with the fact I kept making mistakes, but instead of rectifying these mistakes and correcting them, I just gave up.

There are numerous other examples of me doing this. Books I've started writing, cds I've started mixing, piano, guitar, papers, essays, books I'm trying to read, poems, blankets, classes, friendships, keeping my check book balanced, friendships, jobs, etc.

When the going gets tough, as the saying goes, the tough get going. The only problem with this is, they don't say where. I get going, but it has a tendency to be in the wrong direction. Instead of sticking it out and accomplishing something more, I run. I hate the act of running, but I'm real good at doing this in every day situations. If I could change anything about myself, that would be it. I want to be more focused. To be able to stick with one thing till it is accomplished and not let things keep me from accomplishing my goal, even when it gets frustrating or tough.

Again, my questions all come swirling back in a cloud of discontent, and they whisper to me one word: how?

How do I go about accomplishing my goals? How do I learn to change? Or will this, as so many other things before it, become one of the goals I give up in the face of adversity?

*sigh*

I want to change.

Short and Sweet.

Favorite things of this very moment (2:19 pm):

• Mr. Heater (which is a propane heater that has the ability to burn one through one's jeans if one is not incredibly careful)
• That Aaron lights Mr. Heater for me (because if I tried it explosion and/or death would result for me and possibly any of the guys that happened to be nearby at the time)
• Literature Resource Center (online no less)
• Allergy medication that keeps me from feeling like I'm going to die
• My Fiji water bottle
• The wireless connection at work
• My laptop
• Fingerless gloves
• My beanie
• That first semester is almost over
• Walking up to pay for TGIFriday Sour Cream & Onion Potato skins and finding out they are on sale and getting to The Cheese Shop in time to buy a Blumer's Cream Soda and then getting back to the office to find out there are tangerines in the fridge...Perfect
• Accomplishing the 4 pages rough draft minimum...
  

Yep.