(9) Solace in Your Happiness

Generosity & good fortune always overwhelm

My new silver shoes sparkle

& make me think of Dorothy's slippers

(they were only ruby in the movie)

There's no place like home

Then we find $20 in the parking lot

"Happy dinner on me,"

says The Universe

It's really the little things

We'll try the cinnamon pancakes on Monday

fir breakfast 

I'll make that cheesecake

a pie's on the way

Sure we'll drink when this is over

to cheer ourselves 

on how beautiful it was

(& I'll survive 2 weddings, not 1

& hopefully old ladies & friends

will minimize the number of times

I'm asked how I feel 

about not getting married

first)

And we'll figure out the car

Tonight we have a winning football team

we've cheered to victory,

Good beer,

& laughter

So glad you can find

solace in your happiness

Me too

Why can't you?

So the world is falling

& at war

So my car breaks down

& I'm not seeing anyone at all anymore

There's still so much good here

Be overwhelmed & grateful

for the beauty in each day

Search for it & find the good 

(8) For Your Birthday

You remember the summer

you loved me?

You were sweet & funny

though boundaries seemed to be

a weakness

You told me you'd 

never go to far

Even though

your eyes betrayed your heart

Do you know you're

the only man who

ever made me feel

wanted

& desired

I still miss 

your fingers

laced through mine

or your hand

at the base of my spine

We watched fireworks 

from my front yard

& I told you my

heart & fears

I made you forget, 

for awhile at least,

the ghost of a girl 

you'd been chasing

for so long

You never meant

to love me

You never meant

to stay

It still, 

to this day,

surprises me

that you would've stayed

(think it startled you too)

but my heart was

a fire

roaming fast ahead

of me

burning me down

& burning my bridges

to the life you

were willing,

finally,

to work towards

In case I never told you,

You cut a gorgeous figure in a suit

Your smile could light up the darkest room

Your arms always felt safe

You were enough,

more than enough,

for any girl

(let alone me)

Please don't ever doubt

your strength & worth

based on me

I was young &

slipping through 

like water to the sea

(7) Visit

Home again

Comfortable & relaxed

despite the insanity on the road,

this is home

Every time I step in this door

I feel 17

shouldn't I be getting ready

for class?

September leaves

cooler weather

Sunshine golden

Everything brings me home

The realization that

This might be the last trip I have

to see this autumn falling

here is bittersweet 

There's so much to be grateful for

I will count them all

Thank God for home

& all the beauty of fall

(6) Getting Ready to Wait

Getting ready to wait

it's always the hard part

I need the sleep

so I can drive

so I set a bedtime

& settle into bed

but I'm still restless

I want to be on the road

To shake the dust

off my bones

to clear out room

for my autumn heart

The leaves are falling

the last of the weddings

are set to begin

Dresses packed

lists made

But with the coming fall

brings in the coming chill

Maybe my heart's hibernation 

will begin

& shut out

the lonely echoes

from all my unanswered 

words

Or maybe it will just

bring my soul relief

& sweet release

(5) Benadryl

Benadryl is kicking in

my eyes can barely open

but in this space

I replay

the conversations of my day

and the doors

they open

We head toward

the good

pursuant, passionate

May hope & good 

collide with

the real

for something even better

(4) Miss Me

I am tired of people

telling me

that they're sure you miss

me

You were his best friend

He always told you things

You cut him off, remember?

Of course, I remember

I remember everything

I know I cut my ties,

but in my defense,

You cut ties first

Once you were my oasis

in a desert

then one day I woke up

dying of thirst

realizing my eyes had

fooled me

You were too good to be true

a mirage in desperate heat

Still I searched

You remember, I hope,

that postcard

of the flying car

that you saw & knew

I'd love

(you always knew

how to make me smile)

It came in the mail

without warning

we hadn't spoken in

months

(not since that proposal--

no one warned me

that was in her cards

not mine)

Then the flying car

Your words were clear

as day

but muddled every

thought

You missed me

You wanted to have one of our long talks

You missed me. 

You. missed. me. 

Me. 

There on a postcard

Plain for every postal worker

who carried it between us

to see

You missed me. 

When you saw me next 

(with her in your stead)

I had barricaded my heart

You hugged me close

told me you were glad

to see me

You'd missed me

I smiled

and tried to keep

the strangled scream

of broken heart &

broken dreams

out of my eyes

We never had the talk

you claimed you wanted

I nearly pulled her out of the house

When she crashed the wrong party

the steady hand of drunks kept me at bay

Do you have any idea

how much the weight

of regret feels on

a heart that never

was brave enough

to speak the whole

of truth?

You asked me once

if I thought you were doing the right thing

Of all the people to ask

You trusted me

And I failed. 

This was wrong

it was going to hurt you

But I stayed my tongue & heart

told you only half

Never once did I give you the truth:

I love you.

Time & distance & walls

marriage & age & life

All the bricks I wish I could

tear down

But it won't change this

You're gone

& I can't believe there's 

even a second

where those words could be true...

that you 

miss

me

(3) Home.

When a smile grows out

of odd-placed questions

and safe but stretched

boundaries...

I think you've found home

Paintings to be hung

an old bag tossed

onto an office couch 

familiar laughter

Your hair is growing out

shirts smell like shirts

I'm still singing John Mayer

& reading poetry

New pens & spelling errors

Home. 

Home. 

Home.