Jesus Wept

I'm going to do this a little out of order and put my favorite things at the end this time. I just feel I'd rather end on a good note than begin with one and reverse its effect rather expeditiously.

Kayla called me today thinking it was Monday. As it's Tuesday that would seem silly except for the fact that life has been confusing and run together and eternal for the past 3 days. When you wake up on Sunday morning thinking things are going to be normal and only get to remain thinking that for about 2 hours...it kinda throws everything else off and makes it all go a haywire.

Sarah died. My beautiful little sister. I am brokenhearted. I didn't realize until this morning how completely in shock I had been because I hadn't really cried much since initially finding out on Sunday, but today I've been crying constantly. Everything reminds me of something else which causes me to cry which frustrates me which causes me to cry more which reminds me of something else which...well...you get the picture.

Needless to say...it's been a long day.

I've had numerous messages from friends telling me they're praying for the family and/or me and that I can call day or night. I am so blessed. I have a church family that is completely wonderful who are showing so much love and support for one another right now. I have wonderful friends, many of which are coming to show support for the family at the visitation and/or funeral this week.

The best message I've had all week was one from Kim today. She said that I don't have to be strong all the time. It's okay to cry. After all Jesus wept. That made me smile. It also really made me feel better. I've heard people say "Jesus wept," about a million times but never in this context. Jesus wept when his friend, Lazuras died. Why should it be any different for me? I will cry when I am sad, especially in a situation like this. I'm brokenhearted just as Jesus was. And just as Jesus did, I have hope for the future because someday I will see Sarah again. And I'll get to meet Lazuras. Sweet deal. Alright, I'm not trying to make light of this situation, but I am feeling much more encouraged at this point. Thank goodness for wonderful friends.

And now...my list of favorite things for this very moment (4:33pm CST):

• The Internet
• My cell phone (and the fact that I can turn it on vibrate and still let people get ahold of me)
• Kim's encouraging words
• That Nikky will be here tomorrow (which means more to me than I can ever say)
• Knowing that I'll get to see Sarah someday
• That I'll be done with work soon and I'll get to spend time with Amber tonight
• That I talked to Eric today
• Orbit gum (raspberry mint and peppermint)
• Having a waterbottle with me at all times (especially when I'm currently prone to dehydration)
• Sunshine and warm weather

Mr. Willoughby and Other Items of the Day

Favorite things of this very moment (4:51 pm CST):

• That I will be done with work in 9 minutes
• That I realized Nikky had recently written some brilliance in her blog that I thoroughly enjoyed
• Eldest by Christopher Paolini (it's distracting me for the moment, and so worth it too)
• Peppermint tea
• Jeff calling which seems so...weird...and brilliantly timed...(I think the irony of this is what really was my favorite...not necessarily anything else...heh)
• Getting a package in the mail from Heather today. Woohoo new mixes and some chocolate! We are back in business!
• Mr. Willoughby

As Nikky so brilliantly says, "I am so the opposite of smooth." Ah yes, so am I. So am I. Geez and Ugh. Yes...so am I. Let me explain:

I talked to Mr. Willoughby again today in my Computer class. He sat down next to me because of a project we were all working on that had us moving all the time. When he was done, he looked over and asked if all he had to do was close it out on the computer. And me, being completely incapable of taking talking and processing information because of the glorious beauty of his entire being (that and he has one of those voices that just is smoother than silk and you wish you could listen to him talk for forever because it's so perfect) that all I could manage was something incredibly lame and weak like, "yess..." I don't think I even completely looked at him or smiled. You know, like you should do when you talk to attractive men because they, apparently, find it attractive when you say actual words of some kind in their direction as well as being friendly. Uh. I am such an idiot. And he is so incredibly beautiful. If only I was majoring in photography and could convince him I needed to take a picture of him. *sigh* But I am not creative enough to do this. Kind of like that whole Shane thing, but let's just skip that...

Yep.

Troubled Waters

Favorite things of this very moment (4:11 pm CST):

• Coffee (with a little sugar, a lot of cinnamon, and a little vanilla soy milk)
• Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
• New Moon by Stephanie Meyer
• Dreaming about Edward in an excessively vague and text-esque sense which means I didn't have nightmares or really messed up dreams like I've been having all too often lately that leave me with less sleep than I started out with (well it seems that way)...man those books are great
• Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
• Gummy bears
• Having the ability to stay up to all hours to read, but still have plenty of time to sleep and get much needed work done
• Peppermint tea
• Paying lots of attention to lyrics unlike my close friend and male counterpart, Mr. Laurent

The ache is back. The one that moves back and forth from my heart to the pit of my stomach (well more like just below the bottom of my rib cage where it seems to pulsate and radiate and make everything feel wrong) to my throat and back to my chest again where it feels so intense that I feel like I'll explode.

The Twilight series isn't helping me out in this department, but then again neither is the Jane Austen or Nicholas Sparks or Stardust or the Christian romance novels Grandma sent (duh!) or any of the other books I've read recently and enjoyed.

It will get better. One of these days the hole in my heart will have its missing piece. In the meantime, I need to find something I actually want to do and pursue it to the fullest.

Today, I took an excessively long, very hot shower because I kept slipping between memories and I guess I thought maybe it would wash it away. It didn't. Instead it seemed to just help it along. Reading New Moon in its entirety last night brought back a series of memories. Promises I was once given and had believed so freely. Promises that have never, and will never, be fulfilled...it brought back Jeff. Memories I try to keep buried to avoid days exactly like this.

It made me question my sanity for the 2nd time in two days. The first was brought on by truly seeing myself in Blanche's character in Tennessee Williams' play "A Streetcar Named Desire" which terrified me enough to skip the rest of my classes and go straight to wandering Shopko while talking to Nikky. I think she honestly worried about me having some kind of break down. I wasn't far from believing that as a possibility myself...

Then after reading New Moon, it brought Jeff back so quickly and easily that it startled me. Meyer uses a lot of "Romeo and Juliet" in the book. Many of Edwards words and Bella's reactions felt familiar. The ache Bella described, the pain she felt. They're here in me. This in and of itself completely upsets me.

Have I just been using all these guys as a placeholder? A Paris to my Juliet, if you will? A plan B? Not one of them deserved that. Clearly there is something wrong with me, with my heart.

Why do I still have all the memories and the promises locked inside my head? The promises that he would love and protect me forever. That he would never leave. Why have I been unable to find someone better for me without the feeling something is wrong? Apparently I haven't found the right guy yet, but what if it's worse than that? What if I really do love Jeff and no one else will ever bring me to life the way he did? What if he was supposed to be the One, but choose to take a different path? The path without me.

Ugh. I am so bitter and cynical today. Again. There is something so wrong with all of this.

Of course, this doesn't even begin to cover my anger with myself for being almost 22 but in no way self-sufficient. When did I let myself become such a coward?

Stolen

Favorite Things of this very moment (4:02 pm CST):

• Stardust
• Purple Dynamic Horizons Computer Services pens

I am waiting for Heather to meet me here at the office. I really should take this time to finish my book (which is really turning out to be excellent and forcing me to consider how I feel about life and death a bit more...amazing), but you know what I'm thinking about? Tristian's face. And also Dashboard Confessional's song "Stolen" (which are as follows):

We watch the season pull up its own stakes

And catch the last weekend of the last week

Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,

Another sun soaked season fades away
You have stolen my heart
Invitation only, grand farewells

Crash the best one, of the best ones

Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight
You have stolen my heart
And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration

One good stretch before our hibernation

Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well
You have stolen

You have stolen my heart
I watch you spin around in your highest heels

You are the best one, of the best ones

We all look like we feel
You have stolen my

You have stolen my heart

And...I'm also thinking about Shane Celestino. The first boy in such a long, long time to look at me and come sit with me just to see how I was doing, who tried to help me pass Algebra (which I didn't), and who I've managed for the last 2 months to think very little about because I've convinced myself there's no point in bothering (which is very likely to be true)...but... How often in life to we just never bother to tell someone that we think they're something special? That they're someone worth waiting for a little while. That maybe, just maybe they've stolen your heart. At the very least, they captivate you...why don't we tell people these things more often? Maybe the world would be a little bit better and brighter if we had a little more honesty when it comes to things of the heart. We could give someone a little bit more strength and a lot more love. Like Tristan's transformation in "Stardust." Think about how much he changed as he became more confident and how amazing he was, how brave when he knew he had someone believing in him, loving him. I want to be able to share that. I want to give someone that boost of strength and belief so that he can continue onward. I'm not sure what this has to do with Shane other than the concept that I was reminded of him yesterday by my friend Heather at Sauk and have been thinking of him off and on ever since and it doesn't help that our handsome young hero last night happened to be a sweet young man with dark hair and beautiful eyes...just like my handsome friend, Shane.

Well...I'm off to plot how I can convince Nathan Dvorak to become the first in the army of camouflage ninja minstrel warriors... :)

Give Up, Start Fresh

Favorite things of this very moment (8:31 pm):

• "Futuresex/Lovesounds" album - Justin Timberlake
• Headphones
• Good news about my car (including the concept of new cars)
• The unstoppable, immovable, irresistible Fiji water bottle (yeah, over-described and lovely)
• That I can continue to grow and change
• That I am not John Marcher of Henry James' story "The Beast in the Jungle"
• Silly commercials and, for that matter, the really sweet ones
• Laughter

I've decided to give up. This is not my normal policy at all. In fact, I'm not a fan of giving up at all, but I'm beginning to understand when I need to fold. "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." Yeah...that's what I'm working on now.

Let me explain a bit further because this covers 2 different areas (mainly):

One: Jay. The tall, blond, handsome guy that I've adored for almost 2 years. Give up, Jaymin. No future in it. Does this sound sad? Maybe it is. Maybe I've wasted time waiting, but no more. He's found someone he feels he has a foreseeable future with and he sees me as the little sister he has never had. I've done a lot of thinking over the past couple of weeks and realized, it will be fine. He is not the man for me. He is someone that I would never in a million years have turned down if he'd asked (I probably still wouldn't), but I also don't think we will ever be able to be anything more than what we are. This is okay. He's a wonderful guy and I plan to continue enjoying our friendship, but that's all it will ever be.

Two: My job. I'm not quitting, but I also have come to the realization that my dad and Terrence are right: I need something better. Something more. I need to just realize that my fear of change isn't worth this. That I need to be able to support myself. I can't deal with the debt and the guilt that goes with all this. I just can't stand it. It has to change. I want to feel competent and without a real job or a 2nd job or whatever, it will never happen.

I don't want to be John Marcher. I read "The Beast in the Jungle" by Henry James for my American Lit class, and it really frustrated me. Marcher is the most self-absorbed idiot of all time. He just makes me crazy because he takes advantage of May through the whole of their lives. He's incapable of understanding love or having any feelings. He's an idiot. He doesn't live because he spends his entire life believing that something great is yet to come instead of living now! I know I am guilty of doing this. Not anywhere close to his extent, but I avoid life at times simply out of fear or because I'm too focused on my past mistakes or my future.

Again I go back to the whole idea of HOW? How to change? How to live? I don't know, but I guess I just take it one day at a time. Fill out the applications. Speak up and somehow, life will continue and maybe just get a bit better.

I figure, if God kept me safe and intact after last week, there must be reason. I just have to be the best me I can be every day. God will take care of the rest.

Well, I guess that's enough to think about for a little while. Keep moving forward.

Joy

Favorite things of this very moment (2:43 pm):

• Having plans for next Friday night to hang out with Amber (I can finally give her the Christmas present that has been sitting on my dresser since the last time I saw her)
• Having plans for this weekend with Herminder and possibly Cindy (It's so weird to actually have plans to do anything at all on the weekends considering my practically hermit-like state for the past 6 months or so)
• The wacky lamps here at the office
• Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare
• Having finished De Profundis by Oscar Wilde

Yes, things are going to be just fine.

You know what brings me joy? Lots of things. I've decided to share some with you in light of a friend recently sharing with me some things that really brought her joy and therefore made me feel compelled to share some joy here as well...yeah...

For instance, I love watching the snow fall while sitting in my big orange chair sipping tea or hot chocolate. I could sit there all day reading and listening to some Coldplay or Train or John Mayer, something that makes me feel safe and comfortable. It's one of those things that makes the rest of the world disappear for awhile. Just to be able to think and relax and enjoy the beauty of the snowflakes floating down creating a new world in such a short span of time. It's overwhelmingly beautiful at times.

I also find pleasure in my drive home from work every evening. It's a very short drive and incredibly uneventful, but in the fall and winter I usually get to see the sky at sunset...the clouds that turn into cotton candy pastels or dark and royal shades of purple or even neon pink to a point you expect to see advertisements. But the only thing the clouds really advertise is that God is definitely at work. I think the way the sunlight plays across the fields dancing in the shadows of the snow hills or bushes...it's beautiful. I look up into the sky as I go along wishing I was a painter...it would be wonderful to paint the sunsets of every evening.

I recently was thinking about how wonderful it would be to own my own business if for no other reason than the fact that I could make sure I was able to go outside and watch the sunset every evening. No matter what time of year, I could always make sure I was out and watching the sun as it set, and there are few greater freedoms. It makes me envy generations before me that didn't have such hectic schedules or structured lives. People who were out in the fields watching the sunrise and set every day...I'm sure there were many things about their jobs they didn't enjoy all of the time, but I can't imagine anyone not being able to pause for a moment and thank God for the splendor of His design. The skies were some of His most glorious and beautiful works when I think about it.

Just think of the stars. And the moon. Oh. How I love them all. I live for summer nights when I can go out and lay on the trampoline at Kayla's and we count shooting stars and talk about whatever crosses our minds. Or simply those magical warm nights where the moon shines pure silver across everything, so bright you could drive home without headlights (I'll admit, I've done it before, I was just so entranced with the pale light...I had to try). It makes everything seem magical. Sometimes I feel as if fairies should appear, but in their absence, the fireflies will do. There's a complete and beautiful perfection in the stars...I adore it.

One of these days, I'd like to head to Montana or Wyoming or Alaska or even somewhere in the Canadian tundra....just so I could look at the night skies without all the light pollution. It must be magnificent. Can you imagine? And endless summer sky full of stars with the moon shining down on you. Definitely the perfect romantic setting. I think I'd want to lay on the grass and read A Midsummer Night's Dream on a night like that. Wouldn't it be perfect?

Well, now that I've really digressed...but that also brings me joy. I enjoy the silly tangents and daydreams that my life is so full of. Sure it's sometimes hard to get yourself back on track, but maybe that's for the best. Maybe the tangent you got off on is really where you need to be anyway. It's not improbable that's for sure.

Children's movies are another thing that brings me great amounts of joy. They're innocent and silly, and often they have a beautiful underlying message for children: Be who you were meant to be, Stand up for your friends and family, Be loyal, Be honest, Be generous and kindhearted, don't need to know where you're going as long as you know where you've been, and my favorite "Keep moving forward." That last one is especially true for me right now. (Is it strange that I find lessons in everything?) It's the one that I need to remember and find joy in the task. You keep moving forward. Will do.

Alright, enough of my nonsense. I just wanted to say that even though life gets messy, and my heart feels broken all too often anymore, there is still joy and so much beauty. Even in the brokenness.

Keep moving forward.

Send the Light

Favorite things of this very moment (11:07 pm):

• Having a stack of letters from Nikky to reread tomorrow
• Having a stack of new books to read
• A notebook covered in squirrels...bwahaha
• My cell phone
• Ben's honesty and logic
• Prayer
• Beds that don't try to eat you

I've been home from Ohio for 4 hours, and I already wish I was back.

God and I had a talk on the way home. The tears I've held in all weekend magically appeared several hours into the trip and lasted for quite awhile. I need to be more positive and more confident, but it's been a real struggle lately. Between the issues with money and the hopelessness and the overwhelming feeling of restlessness...I just don't know what to do next.

It's just that ever since I've been home from ABC, I feel I've lost something. A piece of me is missing...my worth, my purpose. People keep trying to explain my purpose to me, and so far, I haven't found a single one of them to be truly right. Sure, I've been able to help out in different areas, but as far as permanent position here...no. Nothing.

Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do?

I am scared. I'm scared to uproot myself and move, but to be honest, I need a bigger space, new room to grow. It's like those plants that have to be transplanted because their roots start to strangle them...that's kind of how I feel.

I adore my family, and if I end up being called to leave, I will miss them terribly. Don't misunderstand that, it's just that...I feel like I may need to be somewhere else.

Ben thinks I need to be somewhere else. I've got a lot more praying, reading and pondering to do...but he may be right.