An Open Apology to the Good Men

The other night I wrote a post about how frustrated I was, and in rereading it and thinking about it off and on since then, I realized I was probably harsher than I should have been. I want to apologize.

I won't apologize for my hurt and my brokenness. I'm carry wounds that I'm trying to let God heal, but I do want to apologize for implying that there aren't good men out there. There are.

For years no I have been watching the kindness and faithfulness and love my father shows my mother. He takes care of her. He is a good man.

I watch my friend Mitch consistently help and care for my his fiancee, Kim. He is faithful and true and is constantly trying to take care of her. He is a good man.

My amazing friend Jake is the same way. He is madly in love with my wonderful roommate, Amber, and I watch him day in and day out try to make her happy. He even does our dishes and watches the occasional chick flick and is an excellent listener. He is a good man.

Then there's Jay. My exceedingly tall friend who has a heart of gold. He's single, but he does try to take care of me at times. Beyond which, he's just a good man. Honest, faithful, funny. He is a good man.

And Jordan, my wonderful, wonderful friend, Jordan. Without realizing it, he frequently lights up my day and makes me feel better because he willingly answers my crazy questions and takes the time to be interested in what I have to say, even when it's insane and/or pointless. He is faithful to God and kind to people. Jordan is a good man.

To all of you men, I am sorry I doubted your goodness and your ability to love and care for the women in your lives. I will work harder to encourage you and to remember this.

I am sorry. I was wrong, and you are GOOD men.

I Need You.

(The above photo: Explorations 1 by Cole Rise)

For my Marriage and Family Counseling class, I have been reading John Gray, Ph. D.'s book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The fourth chapter is on motivating the opposite sex. Everything he has said about women so far is dead on. The worst part is that as I'm reading this I'm realizing how bitter, angry, and distrustful I've become of men in the past 10 years.

I was reading through this today questioning if it was possible to find a guy who really does want to take care of a girl. I turned to Amber and Regina and asked where these guys are hiding. Where are these men that want to actually take care of the woman in their lives? Have I missed them entirely?

It makes me frustrated because I know I sound so terrible and bitter for saying that, but I'm feeling the aching in my chest, staring at the scars that cover my heart and hope, and I am reliving the rejections I've dealt with all through growing up. I've had a couple boyfriends, and I'm not saying they were bad guys, but they weren't mature enough to take care of me. One of them is a cause of more wounds and brokenness than I can explain and the rejections of that relationship and the hollowed out spaces in my heart that he left...I've never figured out how to fully heal those.

God made men and women differently, and I'm glad. We're different physically, emotionally, and mentally in ways. These are good things. They enhance our friendships and relationships. We're interlocking puzzle pieces that fit together to make something even greater.

My problem would be the walls. After facing the pain of so many rejections, I have developed a facade which seems like such a joke most of the time, but I wonder how many people are willing to believe in my silence. Do people really believe I'm this strong? Or brave? Or kind? Or any of the things that I try to put across...

Truthfully, I am tired, worn, scared, scarred, aching, lonely, and desperately holding onto the flicker of hope that says that there's someone out there that will want to spend the rest of a lifetime with me. Someone I can count on. Someone who will laugh with me, but be willing to hold me when I feel like I'm falling apart.

Someone who will hold me when I feel all the wounds reopening so that I don't fall apart.

I'm praying it happens soon because I don't know how much longer I can hold out. My hope may flicker out.

How does one apologize for an anger that has been building for quite some time? I feel like a terrible person on a pretty regular basis right now because I'm carry around anger that is totally unhealthy and unnecessary. I know as a Christian I have been taught to forgive and that in order to be forgiven for my own sins I need to forgive the people who sin against me, but I'm struggling to let go of some of the hurts I hold inside.

How do you forgive someone who not only has no remorse and never feels like they commit a wrong? They've insulted you and hurt many people you love. How do you let go of this?

I want to forgive this person and just start over, but for some reason this bitterness has gotten ahold of my heart and I can't find a way to loosen it.

I wish this was a situation where I could confront the person I'm upset with and present my issue so we could resolve it. This, on the other hand, is somehow worse because this person knows that they've screwed up repeatedly, but they don't seem to care at all. How on earth am I supposed to deal with this?

I hope God gives me a real clear way to handle this so that I can let go of all of this. I don't want to add to the problem. I'd like to heal my end of it even if I can't change all of it. Plus, I don't want my anger to hurt other people. It's not fair to them.

Please pray for me in this. I don't want to carry anger with me. I want to heal and I want to be able to do my part to heal this situation and make the people around me happier. I just don't feel my light shining at all right now.

Thanks.

Love,

J

Amber & I's To-Do List for Becoming Good House Wives (Etc.)

Yes:

• Learn to make modeling chocolate
• Better building of cakes
• Make dresses
• Gardening
• Learn to bake to perfection
• Learn to make tiny icing flowers
• A whole sneak of weasels
• Learn to quilt
• Learn to properly hang pictures
• Learn to hem (Amber)
• Learn to patch (Amber)
• Learn to darn socks
• Learn to make tie fleece blankets (Amber)
• Learn to knit
• Learn to make granny squares
• Learn to crochett (Amber)
• Learn to make crochett hats
• Making modeling chocolate sheep

Hopeless or Romantic?

Favorite things of this moment (9:09 pm EST):

• "The Princess & the Frog" on Netflix (I love Netflix...really, they make being home alone all weekend easier to deal with)
• Having the iPod back so that I can text
• Serena and Buddy, 2 of the cutest little dogs in the world

Tonight I am sitting on our new couch (compliments of Marcus Brown and his folks from what I was told) pondering. I'm listening for a weird guitar riff and the sound of a bicycle...I'm not sure which one makes me happier at the moment. Sometimes you really don't realize how much you miss people, you know?

I want to get married in the sunshine. I have no idea what that will entail or what or where or when, but it would be fairly awesome. Glowing and beautiful. Good golden sunlight makes everything and everyone beautiful. It would be perfect.

And yes, I know that statement was random, but I was just thinking about it.

I was telling friends not too long ago that I'd never really planned out my wedding. I know many girls do. They plan the dress, the location, the flowers, everything...but I never did. There are a lot of things I think would be cool, but I've never really thought to myself: this is what I want. There are no guarantees. I wish, so badly, that there were some guarantees. That I could say it was worth making some kind of plans for this kind of thing, but I don't feel there are.

It feels ironic for me to say that.

I am some sort of weird hopeless romantic, but until the right guy puts a ring on my finger, it won't really matter.

This is the New Year

It’s only 3:18 on a Sunday afternoon,
but I’m watching the sun slowly sink
Dead set in winter
the quiet broken by Band of Horses
singing to me of life and love and sadness

Time seem so long at the beginning
But it’s never as long as it seems
The gifts you make sometimes go ungiven
Did you take enough pictures?
And I wonder.

This is the New Year.
Just like the song, just like the song
and I would love to have someone
to give the world
(and my world) to

It will be full
Good books, laughter, tea
The wedding of friends and the birth of babies
It will change
and so will I

Thank You, Amy Cunningham.

My friend Amy recently created a to-do list of sorts for 2011. I was inspired by that, I'd like to share with you my working to-do list. It is probably not complete, but I'll share with you what I have.

2011 To-Do:

1. Trust God.
2. Love and be loved by a good man.
3. Finish reading all partially read books.
4. Read and return all borrowed books.
5. Make a baby blankets for Jerry & Carrie’s little one and Dan & Rachel’s baby too.
6. Watch as much Eddie Izzard as is available to me.
7. Learn some basic guitar.
8. Finish going through my books and giving away/selling as many as possible.
9. Make mixes for more people.
10. Send more postcards. (And seriously consider buying literary postcards from barnesandnoble.com)
11. Write more thank-you’s.
12. Keep stamps on hand.
13. Read 365 Thank Yous by John Kralik, The Venetian’s Wife by Nick Bantock, and A Well-Kept Home by Laura Fronty.
14. Send someone a telegram via telegramstop.com.
15. Create my own God Box.
16. Do something nice for someone else every day.
17. Give more away.
18. Hang the Swan in the apartment.
19. Find a job.
20. Give more money.
21. Visit the ocean.
22. Less bad words, more positive statements.
23. Get to know the Barton’s a bit better.
24. Make Eric Callaway his long ago promised Green blanket.
25. Pay for the next car at a toll booth.
26. Try Bailey’s.
27. Live on just bread and water for 3 days.
28. Do a 3 day green tea detox.
29. Write a long letter to the pope.
30. Write a letter to a famous person I admire.
31. Give more toasts.
32. Buy a sarong.
33. Pay Dad at least half of what I owe.
34. Write my own obituary.
35. Wine and dine someone who deserves it.
36. Buy/receive/inherit/collect an external hard drive.
37. Take EGWTBTE pictures.
38. Take pictures of pirate Ned.
39. Have a completed emergency fund.
40. Watch “Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist” with Regina
41. Write and send a letter to Santa Claus.
42. Lose some weight so that when I’m called upon to do it, I can look good in a bridesmaids dress.
43. Call people back and call when I say I will.
44. Try to encourage Cynthia.
45. Tell people I love them more often.
46. Practice radical honesty on a more regular-esque basis.
47. Watch Avatar on RiffTrax.
48. Burn more candles.
49. Take trips whenever possible.
50. Visit Nikky.
51. Buy foam swords and have sword fights.
52. Own “Hadestown” album by Anais Mitchell.
53. Write in my blog more. (Hey look! I'm doing that right now!)
54. Believe it when someone tells me that I’m beautiful or that I look nice or really any compliment at all.
55. Take better care of my hands.
56. Try new recipes.
57. Finish organizing quotes.
58. Teach Amber how to make Cheesecake.
59. Exercise (at minimum) 3 times a week.
60. Acquire Munchkin.
61. Learn to make granny squares.
62. Do more to encourage my fellow students (and the staff too).
63. Argue and deal with confrontation (and confront, if necessary) in a biblical way.
64. Take pictures.
65. Say “yes” more often.
66. Take a Sabbath from the interwebz.
67. Shred whatever old financial junk that is feasible and safe to shred.
68. Call home more.

Well, it's a work in progress. There will probably be additions to this list as the year goes by, but for now, this is what I have. It's long, but I have 363 days to do these (including today, oh yes). I think I might just be able to do this.

Be encouraged this year, my friends. 2011 is going to be a good year. A great year. I have no idea where God is going to lead us, but I'm excited to find out.

Love,

J