Realizations

Favorite things of this very moment (3:26 pm CST):

• Knowing I've done everything I could to get myself a job
• Knowing that completely paid off because God gave me a new job! (More on this later)
• The feeling of accomplishment that comes with actually excersizing every bit of you
• "You Belong With Me" covered by Butch Walker
• A free MP3 download from Greg Holden (a live recording of "As Far As I Can")
• Beautiful, beautiful sunshine
• That the kitten is currently taking a nap and not biting me or knocking things over

I've realized a couple of things today.

1. I'm going to have to clean and rearrange my whole room. Today Amelia realized she could get to the top of the computer monitor and sit on it. This meant she also realized she could get to the top shelf of our computer desk and try to play with the compressed air until I grabbed her. She also realized she could get onto all the kitchen counters and in the process knocked over the bucket of spatulas and everything that we have on the counter. She also knocked over a dirty cup and all of it has to be washed, and I had to clean part of the kitchen floor as a result as well. This displeases me. Mostly is scares me because this means she's going to realize she can get on top of my dresser which was the only real safe haven I had in my room for anything important. I have no idea what I'm going to do, but by the end of tomorrow I hope to have my dresser cleared of all Amelia-breakable items.

2. That kittens lose there teeth. I knew this happened in theory, but this morning Amelia was trying to chew on my hand, and she lost one of her teeth. I realized this when I realized that she hadn't cut my hand, but I still had blood all over my hand. Mom found the tooth. It was completely bizarre.

3. That I'd forgotten how good you feel when you're done with a really crazy work out. I'd forgotten how everything in you feels like rubber, and I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed that feeling. That feeling was always what let me know I'd really gotten a work out in. Today I did a Tae Bo instructional video which made me realize just how out of shape and practice I am (I couldn't even keep my balance when it was at a slow speed). I want to relearn Tae Bo and Kickboxing. I miss them. I also found a "Dance Your Way to Fitness" video. Which leads me to my next realization:

4. I truly am a TERRIBLE dancer. Ha. Seriously. I couldn't keep up with anything in the "Dance Your Way to Fitness" video. At all. I have no balance, and I just couldn't figure out where on earth they were going next. Plus, I don't feel like there was a lot of instruction on what the heck you were supposed to be doing before you were actually doing it. Mostly though, I'm just not much of a dancer. Although, the ballet wasn't too bad.

5. And most importantly, once again, as always, God is AMAZING. Really amazing. I will start work at Oregon Healthcare Pharmacy Services, Inc. Amazing! I start Monday! I'm incredibly excited. I'll have a regular job, regular hours, and a regular paycheck. I have missed that. A lot.

Basically I remembered life was good. :) And God is good. I am grateful.

Quiet

(The picture above is one that Jeffrey Leifheit took. I'm fond of it. I think it perfectly illustrates my mind at this moment.)

Favorite things of this very moment (4:20 pm CST):

• Quiet
• The scars on my hands, arms, knees, and heart
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• Time
• Knowing it's Friday and I'll be heading home in a half hour

"What worked yesterday doesn't always work today. Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate. In making an effort to stay alert, I am assuming custodial responsibility for the maintenance of my own soul."

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Today has been better. Last night I received a phone call from my dear friend, Kayla. Between her and Nikky sometimes I really feel that God spoils me. To have a pair of such kind hearts looking out for me is truly amazing. She called to see if I'd heard any news about my interview. I told her I hadn't heard anything, and she reminded me that maybe something had come up there in their office that prevented them from getting ahold of me. I had to agree that this was a possibility, and I told her I'd get in touch with her today after I'd talked to them. I had already decided before she called that I was going to need to talk to them today. I needed to know something. She said she'd be praying.

I then called Nikky. I'd neglected returning her call from the night before because I'd been in such a lousy mood, but I realized last night that not calling her was probably only perpetuating the darkness of my mood. God puts people in your life so that you can enjoy them and so that there is someone you can lean on and vent to when you're dealing with life. Nikky is all of those things, and talking to her last night made everything seem much easier to deal with. I sat outside with a glass of ice tea and laughed. Sometimes I forget that no matter how bleak or frustrating a situation, Nikky will always help me find laughter. I don't know why that is. I don't think this is something she spends her days thinking about, but something in her kindness and concern always helps me to release everything that I've been holding onto. She often, without realizing it helps me tie back into God. Mostly though, she helps me forget myself, and that's the greatest gift of all.

Clearly I am not the world's most patient girl. I never have been, and maybe in this seemingly endless search for a job and a place to belong and a hope for a family and love of my own in the future is just God's way of saying, "Hold up. You've still got things to learn. For instance: patience. You must learn some patience."

Today I called the company I had my interview with earlier in the week, and the woman who did my interview talked to me for a couple of minutes. She was kind and polite just as she was when she did my interview, and the way she talked gave me some peace with that situation. She said that the owner is still trying to figure out exactly what he would like to do. She said she had thought this decision was pretty cut and dry, and she'd thought he'd have this decision made by today for sure, but apparently that wasn't in the cards. She told me she'd hopefully be giving me a call at the beginning of this next week. I told her that was fine and thanked her for her help.

There's no way I can claim that I was terribly excited about this answer, but I will say this, I'm okay with it. She didn't tell me I was a terrible person for calling and bothering them with my questions, and she'd even apologized for the wait without me saying a thing. This really is a company I'd like to work for, and it's a job I think I could really love. I mean, getting to type for hours on end every day may not seem like an exciting or wonderful job to most people, but that's exactly the kind of thing I would love. Something with easy to see boundaries where someone will tell me what they'd like me to do and then set me free to do it. I want this job.

Somewhere along the late night lines of last night while scribbling a winding and pointless stream of thought to an old friend I realized I was pouting. All of yesterday. That's all I'd done. I'd sat there and felt sorry for myself.

Here I am a 23-year-old with no job who is frustrated and cynical about so much, but for what? God didn't put me here to pout. And He didn't create an inferior product as I was for some reason yesterday and for the past several weeks allowing myself to believe. God doesn't create people only to set them up for failure. No, He creates them with love and with skills and joys and passions to do something in the world that only they can. It's up to them to willingly listen to God's voice and to follow it and to use the tool's He gave them to begin with.

I am blessed with an amazing family who loves me and supports me whether or not I'm particularly lovable at that very moment. I have many wonderful friends including a couple extremely close friends who the world is not a big enough gift to give (I'd give it to them though if I could). I have food and clean water and a fridge that makes ice (still one of the greatest modern inventions). I can read and I can write these rambling notes to the universe (and you) because I went to school and because I had wonderfully encouraging parents.

What I'm trying to say is this: Life is never so bleak as it seems.

There is always good, and I'm going to make a more conscious effort to see it and search it out. There is good in all because God is in all.

And I'm going to try and slow myself down a little. I'll do what I can, but the rest is up to God. For this I am grateful.

And you, well my friend, you are loved.

Face Punch

We're going to skip the good things list for the moment and just get straight to the point: I am frustrated.

I have decided that if I ever own a business or am in charge of hiring people for a position, I will make sure I keep my promises. If I say I will call someone within the next 2 days, I will do so. If someone turns in an application, I will call them and let them know the position has been filled. I will call people if I've interviewed them to tell them whether or not they got the job. And I will do it as quickly as I can. After going through so many applications and interviews in the past 4 months, I am beginning to be an expert at rejection. There's a great deal of it surrounding me. I've been turned down for several jobs after interviews, and one of them just never called me at all. I guess they assumed the absence of a call was a good enough indication that I wasn't going to receive the job, but it's not really.

Just call and tell us you don't need us. It still feels lousy, but at least then we don't wait by the phone. It's almost as bad as being rejected by someone you have a crush on, and I have lots of experience in that area too.

Can I say it again? I am frustrated.

To all of you who are looking for jobs, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find something you enjoy doing and are spared this kind of frustration.

There has to be a better way.

Let's close on a good note, my favorite's list.
Favorite things of this very moment (7:05 pm CST):

• A best friend who cares about what is going on in my life, even when I'm being a frustrated whiner
• The wonderful little blue iPod Carson gave me awhile back with the lovely matching headphones I found (surprisingly comfortable)
• Good music
• Wireless at the library
• Knowing I've already started 2 more applications (back up plans aren't such a bad thing)
• Sunsets melting into clouds
• The big fake ring that was part of the loot I got at Kayla's bachelorette party (the memories of that will give me a smile forever)

Good night.

Old, Tired, Ache

Favorite things of this very moment (4:20 pm CST):

• Tiramisu Truffle (Thank you Traci)
• Free glasses of ice water
• Long, unraveling, wandering emails to my best friend (Nikky, you are the only thing that saves my poor brain)
• Typing
• Brightly colored post-it notes
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (she lives color)
• The new pen I picked up from Midland Bank here in town (I love free pens, even if I don't have any intention of using the company who gives them, at least they have good pens)

Today I feel old. Perhaps it's the ache of the bruise that's taken over the inside of my right arm and followed my veins. Perhaps it's locating an old email and realizing there was something available to me for awhile that I'll never find again...and worse, that I didn't take advantage of because I was feeling broken and knowing that chance is gone. Perhaps it's the fear that there's something deeper wrong with me or my mother or a dear friend who is sick. Perhaps it's the lighting in this office that seems to wash things out instead of inviting them closer. Perhaps it's the dust of the 20 or so computers here in the office trying to run and be cleaned and working all over again.

Whatever it is, I feel old. Something tired is permeating my soul today, and I don't like it. It will be a relief to go outside in a half hour and drive home with the windows down in my car listening to Gavin DeGraw sing that "I don't have to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately" as loudly as he can while singing as loudly as I can right along with him. I need that. I need fresh air and the chocolate on the desk that I keep smiling at because it has a little swirly design on top and it's almost too pretty to eat and the glass of ice water that the nice boy who works at the coffee shop gave me with LOTS of ice just like I asked (he's becoming one of my favorites) and being able to write an email to my best friend that starts off with minor curses and frustrations about my repression and weaknesses. These things I love. These things I cherish.

Despite the old and the ache and the tired...I think tonight will morph into something beautiful. There are juicebags to look forward to and sunshine on my front porch and the possibility of seeing some good friends. I hold tight to these things and I will let go of all the rest.

It will be good and life will feel pure and magic. I hope yours is too.

Merry-Go-Round

I often wonder where I’m going
Turn around and nothing ever seems the same
Life goes on
Does anyone even know my name?
Am I invisible in this world?
The plans never stop changing
Reminds me of the merry-go-round my brother and I loved to play on as kids
Spinning in circles looking over the whole park
The only constant was the sky full of clouds and the sun
There’s a beauty in the circles you spin
It’s the dizziness that follows that can make you crazy
Maybe I just need to jump off
And hold still till the spinning of my plans-mind-life subside
Then I’ll be able to get up and walk away without so much fear in falling

Am I ever going to get out of here? I love this old drafty house with its huge picture windows and cozy little rooms. I love the kitchen that overlooks our small backyard with the trees and the garden my mom works so hard to maintain over the summer. Her glowing summer pride and joy.

I love the front porch. It has been the meeting place of many great minds along with a safe place for broken hearts to gather and share together. To drink juicebags and ice tea and laugh at each other.

I love the sidewalks covered in chalk drawings made by teenagers and adults, not just the occasional small child. This place is childhood and growing into your own…both written on the sidewalk and the walls.

I love the porch swing that I have often occupied during summer thunderstorms because it was the best place to see the rain and feel the perfection of the breeze flowing through the widows.

I love the fact that my closet is so big that I frequently find myself using it as a changing room. I love the old fashioned light fixture that hangs in my room, even if it frequently seems too bright.

I love that when I walk in the front door after being out I hear the voices of people I love. That has always and will always be my favorite part of this house. That is what I will miss most, but this is also why I know I don’t need to be afraid. These people will always love me, and this home will always be my haven. Knowing it’s there is like having an anchor in a choppy sea, you always have a connection and something holding you safe.

It’s going to be alright.

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Sir,

It sounds so strange to start this letter to you so formally, but today I am finding myself lacking in hope. It is hard to hold out hope that you will find me or that I will find you when I do not know your name nor do I even have a for sure idea of what you might look like. I am writing you this letter in the hopes that someday in the future (or maybe even today) you will stumble across this and know that even before I had proof, I was doing all I could to hold onto the hope that you existed.

All I have of you is dreams. They're not as frequent as I'd like nor do I remember as much of them as I would wish, but I know it's you. I can't help but wonder if I would completely abandon my hope that you exist if it wasn't for these dreams. They're such strange dreams. Sometimes you look familiar or famous, but no matter what else occurs, I know it's you because your kindness and warmth is always there. It's always you.

Do you know that I am here waiting? Do you know that I search the faces of everyone I meet looking for you? Do you know that sometimes I just want to scream because of the aching hole in my heart that is waiting for the missing piece that only you carry?

Last night God and I had another of our long talks. It is the same set of questions and the same set of hopes and fears that I have presented to him every couple months since I was probably around 15: Am I imagining you?

But you must be real. If you weren't real, why would God have given me these dreams? I've had them for years now. Why would he put this passion and hope in my heart if it weren't for the purpose of loving and caring for someone else? For putting someone else's needs above my own? I don't think he would. God is not cruel. He gives people dreams and passions so that they can use them for him. Believing that gives me the hope and strength I need to wait for you.

Come find me. Soon.

I love you,
Jaymin

Those Who Risk Win

Favorite things of this very moment (11:16 am CST):

• Sunshine, glorious sunshine
• Having the doors and windows open to let in the glorious and beautiful spring breeze (it's supposed to be up to 82 degrees today!)
• Mix cds
• Knowing I'll be running down to Dixon to pick up my new glasses in a short while
• Sunshine (honest, it's perfect)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about God's will for my life. I know that sounds fairly...uh...actually I don't have the right words this morning. I just know it sounds silly to say things like that to my own ears. Not because I don't believe that God has intentions for my life and for the lives of others, but because it always sounds weird to say that about myself. Makes me feel like I'm trying to put something on. It just never sounds as real as it should, but nevertheless...it's true. And that's what I've been doing.

At small group this last Sunday night, one of the members asked how you were supposed to know God was calling you to some place. I thought that was a brilliant and valid question. I wonder this often. Dan said he thought it was usually discerned through a great deal of prayer, and in he and Rachel's case, discussing it with other believers whose faith is strong and they respected. He said when they were trying to figure out where they needed to go things just kinda fell into place and everyone they talked to about this confirmed where they were thinking about moving to.

I spoke up to. (Like I said, I've been thinking about this a lot lately.) I said I think sometimes God speaks through restlessness. That probably sounds a little bizarre, but I really do think that you feel it when you're not in the right place. You start getting stir crazy and no matter how many places you volunteer and services you perform for your church and the people you love, you still don't feel like you're in the right place. That's when you know it's time to move on.

Nikky and I have been talking about this. A lot.

The thing of it is...that virtually sums up my existence. Nikky's too I think. We're restless and stir crazy. There's nothing more I can do here. All the people I love are being taken care of. The one person I was most worried to leave got married last fall, and she's got a wonderful husband who I know will do all he can to nurture her and make her happy. My dear friend, Jay doesn't really need me here. I once hoped he'd be what kept me tied here, but in the end, he was one of the factors that helped me realize that it was time to move on.

And it is time to move on.

Nik and I have been talking about moving for a year and half (or is it longer? I don't know anymore, probably longer), but haven't acted on it. It's scary to leave home behind. Especially when you know you're safe as long as you're at home, but the thing is...I don't want to just be "safe" anymore. It's not enough.

I'm scared to death to be perfectly honest, but I want this. I want to change my life and I want to feel alive and useful again.

So I'm going to move. I'm not going to give you details or times or dates or even the location yet, but I've decided. It's time. Scared as I am, I think God will help it all fall into place. I've submitted my plans to the LORD, and honestly, it's felt pretty confirmed. People I love are already excited about the prospect for me doing this because I'll be closer to them if all goes well, and I know it's going to come down to me stepping out in faith and doing what I'm scared of. Plus, with Nikky planning on coming to, I know I'll always have someone who understands how I'm feeling. God will take care of us, and it will be worth it.

After all, those who risk win.