Old, Tired, Ache

Favorite things of this very moment (4:20 pm CST):

• Tiramisu Truffle (Thank you Traci)
• Free glasses of ice water
• Long, unraveling, wandering emails to my best friend (Nikky, you are the only thing that saves my poor brain)
• Typing
• Brightly colored post-it notes
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (she lives color)
• The new pen I picked up from Midland Bank here in town (I love free pens, even if I don't have any intention of using the company who gives them, at least they have good pens)

Today I feel old. Perhaps it's the ache of the bruise that's taken over the inside of my right arm and followed my veins. Perhaps it's locating an old email and realizing there was something available to me for awhile that I'll never find again...and worse, that I didn't take advantage of because I was feeling broken and knowing that chance is gone. Perhaps it's the fear that there's something deeper wrong with me or my mother or a dear friend who is sick. Perhaps it's the lighting in this office that seems to wash things out instead of inviting them closer. Perhaps it's the dust of the 20 or so computers here in the office trying to run and be cleaned and working all over again.

Whatever it is, I feel old. Something tired is permeating my soul today, and I don't like it. It will be a relief to go outside in a half hour and drive home with the windows down in my car listening to Gavin DeGraw sing that "I don't have to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately" as loudly as he can while singing as loudly as I can right along with him. I need that. I need fresh air and the chocolate on the desk that I keep smiling at because it has a little swirly design on top and it's almost too pretty to eat and the glass of ice water that the nice boy who works at the coffee shop gave me with LOTS of ice just like I asked (he's becoming one of my favorites) and being able to write an email to my best friend that starts off with minor curses and frustrations about my repression and weaknesses. These things I love. These things I cherish.

Despite the old and the ache and the tired...I think tonight will morph into something beautiful. There are juicebags to look forward to and sunshine on my front porch and the possibility of seeing some good friends. I hold tight to these things and I will let go of all the rest.

It will be good and life will feel pure and magic. I hope yours is too.