Grudge

My family is wonderful.  We tend to be an incredibly hilarious and fiercely loyal group.  We love each other, and we love our friends.  We take care of each other and the people around us as best we can.  We give whatever we have to whomever we can.  I am proud of who we are, but we do have a pretty frustrating flaw.

We are also brilliant at holding grudges.

This drives me insane.  I can't pretend that I don't have this very much in my veins because I am currently trying to loosen my grip on a grudge that I have developed over the past two years that is completely stupid, but I am struggling to let go of.  I'm also trying to keep myself from becoming bitter over things that are really outside of my control or the control of people around me.

God give me strength to not be a total moron about my relationships, please.  I want to be a better version of myself each and every day, and I know I can't be holding onto anger or frustration and withholding forgiveness.  It's counterproductive and unhealthy.  Le sigh.

I guess what I need to do is remember the best bits of my soul and who I am, and try to shake out the rest and rebuild.

Here's as a good a place as any to start.

Not a Tree

A wonderful friend of mine sent me this picture this past week.  It made me laugh at the time, and it still does.  As much as I love and adore trees and all they do, I am glad I am not a tree.  I'm far, far too restless to be a tree.  

I love my life.  I love my hilarious, quirky, brilliant, insane, warm, thoughtful, talented family (including David's amazing Kelsey), and I really am dreading being far away from them.  At the same time, I know that who I am right now is not going to serve anyone at all.  I am becoming stagnant here.  If I were a tree, I would be flourishing, but sadly, I am not a tree.  Instead I'm a little more wild, a lot more quixotic, and, most important, I have legs.  It's time I learn to stand on them.

Today I have begun the arduous task of packing.  I realize that as I am moving two weeks from today that I probably should have been working on this long before, but I'm a procrastinator, especially when I'm frightened or overwhelmed.  As a result, I have been making some serious to-do lists.  I wrote one for myself this morning before church because I figured if I went ahead and made out a list I might be more inclined to accomplish something.  It seems to have worked because when I got home today I immediately started putting things away and pulled out the first box to fill.  As of this moment I have all but a few last books packed.  When I am finished typing this up I will start going through my cds and hopefully have all of them packed up within the next hour or so.  After that, I am not sure where I will head, but, with luck, my momentum will carry me through a couple more boxes and I will be much closer to be finished that I was when I woke up this morning.  

Today also began a line of plans to do some visiting with people.  I will be going to grab some Chinese with friends at my favorite Chinese restaurant in Freeport on Tuesday night, and might be hanging out with a friend on Thursday as well.  I'm sure there will be many more last minute visits over the next two weeks.  

So now I begin my deep breathing, continue with my constant prayer, say a lot of thank you's, accept well-wishes and blessings, and start walking.  God didn't make me to be a tree, so it's time to move on.

How You Ever Gonna Know

Everything is exactly the same tonight, but that's really just the surface.  My room is still a complete train wreck with it's overflow of boxes, blankets, books, and papers, but I'm not the same.

I've been sitting here for the past several hours listening to a warped array of music from Ella Fitzgerald to The Features to a little Garth Brooks and slowly letting it sink in that in less than a month I will no longer live here.  It scares the living bejeebers out of me.  I have lived with my folks for the past 26 years (not including the 18 months I lived in Atlanta for school), and I am realizing I have no idea what I'm doing.

Over the past several months I have spent a lot of time talking to God and trying to truly trust him.  I know he's not going to drop me on my head, and I know this little tug in my heart pulling me forward is from him...I just wish I wasn't still struggling to believe.

Going to Ohio is the right thing to do.  I need to force myself out.  To take this next step.  To have faith that even if it seems insane, this will prove to be something amazing.  God isn't going to let me down.

Tonight I will take a couple more deep breaths.  I will work the sleep out of my curled up right leg, and I will add a few more to-do's to my to-do list.  I will hold God's promises to my heart knowing He's got only my best in mind, and also holding to the thought that there are many more good deeds to be done and hearts to be warmed.

Good things will come of this bit of insanity, even if it's not what I'm expecting.

Wish me luck,
J

ps.  Favorite Things of This Very Moment (10:41 pm):

• Newly photocopied recipes to try
• Slipper boots
• Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie
• Names
• To-do lists
• Sleep leaving my legs
• Dangly silver earrings
• Hope

Ungolden Silence

Wrapped up inside
of questions and the vague
outline of fears

It's probably nothing
I'm too young to die
but people have

I want to be scared
and honest
but it's hard to do

No one wants to talk
when they think
they might lose you

So this ungolden silence,
held tight in my chest,
it's the only sound

The echoing quiet
the rolling absence
the nothing of it all

How do you say I love you
when no one want to hear
because that could also mean goodbye?

I'm not trying to be pessimistic
I just want truth
because...

What if's aren't always a luxury
sometimes they're just fact
which could be a doctor's next word

Just because I bring luck
doesn't mean
I get to keep it

I'm trying to hold out hope
with no one to hold on to
Or someone to say they hear me

Just hear me
Acknowledge that I'm scared
and that this is real

because I'm tired of standing in this quiet alone

This is the New Year, a New Beginning

I have given quite a bit of thought to New Year's Resolutions in the past week or so, and I have realized, once again, that I have much I still want to accomplish or enjoy.  As a result, I have come up with a new list of changes/new trials/ideas that I will be trying to implement this year.

For the Coming Year (in no particular order):

• I will cut back on impulse buying.  I still have some medical bills to pay off, a move to consider, a new job to find, and a bigger life to start living.
• I will try to cook more.  I do quite a bit of baking already, but I was given a pair of excellent cookbooks by my brother, David and his fantastic girlfriend, Kelsey for Christmas, and I'd like to actually make myself real meals.  I know this would be cheaper and healthier for me as well.  It's worth a try.
• I will save money out of every paycheck.  I've been terrible about preparing for my future/saving, and it's time to really get that underway.  If I could get this going, I would actually have money put aside when the next storm comes.
• I will try to lose 2 lbs or more each month of the coming year.  It may not sound like much, but it would be a lot easier to see to the end of that goal each month than to set a huge and crazy goal.  This I can do.
• I will try and get the children's book I wrote this past year published.  And then I will write another.
• I will pay off all the medical bills I have accrued this past year, and the few I will have before the end of January.  This is doable.  I just have to plan it out and make it happen.
• I will start paying my father back.  I owe him money from when I was putting myself through school and had some insane car problems.  My goal for this over all is to pay him back completely by the time I am 30.  It's a few years away yet, I know I can make this happen.
• I will practice the ukulele. I was given one for Christmas this year which is a life-long dream come true, and so I am determined that I truly will learn to play.
• I will try harder to get along with my body. I have put my body through a lot this year, and it's done the same.  I would very much like for us to be on the same page and getting along finally.  I think after all these years, we both deserve a little compassion and to be better taken care of.
• I will practice Radical Honesty on a more regular-esque basis.
• I will give more toasts.  Because I can.
• Do something nice for someone else every day.

These goals will not be very easy for me, but I do believe I can make them happen.  I also believe they will allow me to be a healthier, happier person in this new year.  I'd like to have a go at a better life.

I suppose I should also update my bucket list, so here goes:

1. Love and be loved by a good man.
2. Finish reading all partially read books.
3. Send someone a telegram via telegramstop.com
4. Give more away.
5. Visit the ocean.
6. Make Eric Callaway his long ago promised Green blanket.
7. Write a long letter to the pope.
8. Buy a sarong.
9. Figure out what to do with the video camera.
10. Pay back my father.
11. Write my own obituary.
12. Wine and dine someone who deserves it.
13. Have a completed emergency fund.
14. Watch all of my RiffTrax at least once.
15. Become financially independent.
16. Learn to make hats.
17. Be me. And love being me.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Even though I never wrote you letters growing up, I am finding that I love doing this as an adult.  I love that you are a great embodiment of the ideals of kindness, generosity, grace, and hope.  You give kids hope that goodness and virtue are to be awarded, and I think we need more of that.

Getting older reminds me constantly of the desperate need of hope.  Hope for something better, for something to pull us through.  Having faith gives me hope that at the end of this life I will open my eyes to a real "happily ever after," but sometimes the day to day hope and joy and dreams get lost or broken in the shuffle.

This year, my 26th year, has been full of the unexpected, the unplanned, and disrupted, but also full of real joy and growth.  In looking back, I can see a couple of things that I wouldn't mind adding to my life, so here's my list this year:

1. A new dream, please.  The past couple years were spent wrapped in a crazed hope and deep love for a man who chose to love someone else.  I am sure time will prove this to be the right course for both of us, but it's left me with an emptiness and loneliness that tend to make nights long and give me no true outlet for my heart.  Please, please bring me a new dream.
2. Courage.  The word "cancer" rings through my head at least once a day and has me thinking about updating my will, fighting back tears, and wondering what I will do if that word truly attaches itself to my life come January...I would like the courage to face whatever comes next with true grace, gratefulness and dignity because...I am scared, and I don't want fear to win.
3. The right plan.  I am tired of having no solid direction.  I just want this to be obvious.  Do I move?  To where?  When?  How?  Clarity in this would make all the difference.
4. A ukulele.  I have wanted one for ages, and I just figure it's something that can make me smile even if I'm not good at playing.  I can definitely use something more to make cheerful, silly music with.

Thanks for reading this, Santa.  I know you're busy, and you've got lots of dreams and hopes and wishes to fulfill.  I wish you all the best for your work and Christmas.  Thanks for giving us all one more reason to smile and for lighting up the eyes of little ones everywhere.

With a cheerful heart & good wishes,

Jaymin

ps.  Could you also bring me some new purple pens?  My good one ran out of ink tonight.  Thanks, Santa.  Merry Christmas.

So...Thanks...

Thanksgiving Table

Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I still want to say thanks.

This year's Thanksgiving meal was pretty traditional and pretty quiet.  My youngest brother, Joel is home from college for the weekend, and my brother, David and his sweet girlfriend, Kelsey came over.  It was nice to have all three of the boys under one roof for an afternoon and to be helping Mom in the kitchen.  The meal was, as always, fantastic.

I will always be grateful for the family meals we have together.  We always end up having strange discussions ranging from politics to books to cats to cooking and everything in between.  These dinners have somehow become a place of peace for us.  We sit together, we laugh together, and we are truthful about what we think.  They're a safe haven.  I am thankful for this.  I am grateful to be a part of a family that actually gets along most of the time, and even when we don't, we never stop loving each other and showing we love each other.  I have no idea how I was so blessed to end up here, but I would never want it any other way.

So...thanks.