Day 4: Melody Grace

Dear El,

Thank you.

Happy birthday, sweet Ellie.  I miss you so much little girl.  I can't believe you're already 2.  It seems like it was just yesterday that you were sleeping on my lap while I watched Bones and told you all about the hopes I had for your future and how you would have a truly wonderful life.  I still believe every word of it.

I couldn't believe how blessed I was to get to live with your mom and dad while your mom was pregnant with you.  They were so much fun to live with, and they were my second family.  You are so lucky to be born to parents that want and love you so incredibly much.  You, sweet girl, were so loved from the very moment they knew you were on the way.  Your folks telling me that they were expecting you was one of the happiest moments of my life, and I still can't help but smile thinking about that joy.  I've learned so much about love watching them love each other and love you.

Ellie, the day you were born, I was in the hospital with your mom and dad and Grandma and Grandpa Cain.  We'd been waiting almost 2 days while your mom was in labor, and I am still amazed at how little sleep we all got and that your mom dealt with that as well as she did.  She was just so excited and ready to meet you.  When you were born that morning 2 years ago, your grandparents and I had all been sleeping in the waiting room of the birthing center because the nurses were so nice to us.  As soon as they told us we could come see you and your mom, we headed down.  I've never seen either of your parents look so proud.  It was like they were glowing with light from the inside.

Oh, El, you were so beautiful.  I couldn't believe how tiny you were.  Such sweet little fingers and toes, so pretty.  Your grandma and grandpa both held you and I just sat.  I was so amazed by you.  When they handed you to me I felt flooded with joy.  You were my niece.  You were my family.  You were a whole new little world.  You were perfect, and I was completely in love.  How could I not be?  You were such a delicate, sweet creature and you were now as much a part of my life as sunshine.

Ellie, I am grateful that I get to be a part of your life and that I am your Aunt Jaymin.  I am grateful that I am getting to watch you  grow up.  I am blown away with how smart your are (though it shouldn't be a surprised given how smart your folks are) and how much you are growing.  You are a beautiful little girl and you are going to be a gorgeous woman (just like your mom).  I hope as you grow that you remember you always have an aunt that loves you and is here if you need her.

I love you, El.  I miss seeing you every day.  Be good.

Love,
Aunt Jaymin

Day 3: Kid

Dear David,

Thank you. 

I hope you know how much I love you and how grateful I am that you're my brother. I know I threw that fit the day you were born because you weren't the little sister I'd hoped for, but I'm grateful you are you. I think I needed little brothers, even if it did take me years to figure that out. 

Thank you for living me. Sometimes I feel like you're actually the older sibling when we talk because you just naturally navigate the world around you while I'm still just hanging out in the shallow end afraid. I'm so proud of the risks you take, for your willingness to face new challenges, and for your concern and live for the family. You are a good man. 

I know you worry about me. You've watched me struggle with my health, relationships, and self-worth/esteem for years, but you've always made me feel loved and protected. One of the memories I hold dearest to my heart was from the day of my senior prom when you saw me all dressed up and told me I looked beautiful. It may not sound like much, but it meant the world. I have rarely ever felt beautiful, and it's even rarer to be told I'm beautiful. Those words were precious, thank you. 

Kid, thank you for always making me laugh. You are one of the most ridiculous, funniest people I know. Our family's brilliantly absurd humor is something you have running deep on your veins, and I think your ability to always find the humor, even in dark places, is a true source of light in my life.  

I love you so much. Thank you for simply being you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 2: Morgo

Dear Morgan,

Thank you. 

You, my dear, have been a life raft, an oasis, a cheerleader, and all around wonderful friend. Especially the past few years. I still can't believe the sweet little girl from youth group grew up to be this always incredible you. :) 

You are truly a woman pursuing God, and your faith gives me strength. I am always grateful for your prayers and honesty. I especially love our China Buffet nights and the little hodge-podge family we pull together so we can laugh together and just be ourselves. Thank you, Morgo, for helping me find a social life and harbor where I'd been drifting and alone. Your concern and laughter have been a lighthouse. I love you, sweet sister. 

Thank you thank you thank you. 

Love you,

Jaymin

Ps. What do you call a bear that has no teeth?

A gummy bear!

Day 1: Nikky

After what seems to be a long hiatus, I'm back.  I've decided to accept the Write 31 Days challenge for 2015, so for the next 31 days (barring the typical level of weird incidents my life likes to be full of) I'll be here writing.  We're supposed to pick a topic to spend 31 days writing about, and that is proving to be the most difficult part.  Part of me wants to write on love.  Part of me wants to write about gratitude.  Part of me wants to write about change and challenge since I'm trying to face both, so in the end I think I'm going to be writing about some of the incredible people I love as a sort of tribute/letter to them/thank you/love letter.  Gratitude for incredible people and the love I feel for them and what they do.  I hope this doesn't mess with the general idea of this challenge too much.  We'll see.  At any rate, here's day one.

Dear Nikky,

Thank you.

I started writing this letter and realized I was writing it to the Internet to explain who we are when the whole reason I was going to write this letter was to tell you how grateful I am that you're a part of my life.  I hope it's not too embarrassing that I'm doing this in a public forum and that people we know might see it along with who knows how many perfect strangers.  Somehow putting it out in the universe makes it both anonymous and incredibly long lasting, and hopefully you'll feel okay with that.

I'm just grateful.  I'm grateful you still write me letters back and tell me your stories even though we're states apart.  I'm grateful for the long phone calls when we find time to make that work.  I'm grateful that you call me your sister and your best friend.  I'm grateful for the gales of laughter over highly inappropriate things and incredibly awkward moments.  I'm grateful that you have always been willing to stand with me and stand up for me and that you've always had my back.

Even more than this, I'm glad that despite all the change, health issues, relationships, and everything that we are still friends and still manage to grow closer as the years go by.  I will never be able to express to you how incredibly honored and surprised and amazed I was when you asked if I would be willing to be your boys' godmother.  I've never been asked anything so important or so easy to say yes to.  A day hasn't gone by since you asked that I haven't been amazed all over again by your trust and that I haven't been awash with gratitude with the opportunity this affords me.  I adore your boys, and I will do everything I can to make them feel loved and wanted no matter what life brings our way.

My plan is still for us to be roughly 103 and living in the same nursing home stirring up trouble by racing our wheel chairs down the hall and scaring the crap out of the new CNA's, so you and Yan need to stay healthy and very much alive.  I'm still hoping one of these days I'll meet a great guy, settle down, and have a couple kids of my own so that my godsons can have godsiblings (is that weird to say? "godsiblings?" is that a thing?), but even if it doesn't, I'll enjoy getting to be a part of your boys' lives.  Thank you for giving me that joy.

And Nik, I love you.  We make the weirdest, best pair and I am glad God gave me you as a sister and as a friend.

Love,
Jaymin

Light's Back On

I'm caught in a moment of sweet serenity.  Fans are keeping the air cool and I've spent the last half hour giggling while working on a birthday gift for Forrest because we could both use a few more laughs these days.  I get to sleep in a little in the morning and then go to the chiropractor.  I get to meet Joel's best friend John for the first time tomorrow, and I get to go see Joel and Dad in "The Odd Couple."

For a brief moment, if nothing else, life is peaceful.

FUEL was last week, and for the first time in a long time, I could hear God again.  That took some doing.  He has been waiting for quite awhile to hear from me.  I'd been talking, talking, talking, but I'd been talking to a wall and not so much to God.  Mind you, God's been listening the whole time, but I'd done such a phenomenal job of trying to keep God at arms distance (if not further) that I had to relearn to do this.  I spent the first two days of camp trying to clean my heart back out and spent a lot more time crying, praying, and working through junk than I could have ever planned to or thought possible.  I tore down all the walls I'd spent the last year putting up around my heart and soul, and I asked God to come back in.  I thought a lot about Psalm 51 and Hosea and asked God to help me clean all the trash out of my soul and the rubble out of my heart and to help me overcome my unbelief.  I may be a mess, but at least I know I am one and have finally started figuring out where my flaws are tripping me up.  I am still far, far, faaaaaar from perfect, but now I'm back to trying to be the woman I have always wanted to be.

I made some decisions about my future.  I'm going to try to go back to school within the next year (hopefully this coming spring), and I'll keep working at my job till I find something better.  I'm starting to lose weight, and I'm going to try to keep it up.  I've been writing notes to people again.  I'd forgotten how telling people how much I appreciate them makes everything in life a little brighter.  I don't want to lose that light.

God's been doing some cool things.  He's drawn me back to some old and incredibly beloved friends, and presented me some new challenges.

God is good.  I am grateful, and there is light again.


ps.  Here's a list of my favorite things of this very moment (1:47 AM CST):

• The Lonely Island
• The mix I'm working on for Forrest
• Knowing I have a chiro appointment in the morning
• This sense of peace
• Simpson's Tapped Out
• Knowing I still have time to make several decisions
• Properly switched out light bulbs
• A chance for renewal
• Peace

51

Tonight a friend of mine told me she's having trouble in her life. She feels like she can't get ahead and that she's on quicksand. I listen to her stress and worries and wish I could provide for her answers to all her worries and give her the words and solutions she needs, but most of it is out of my hands. All I can do is pray and do all I can to encourage her. 

Tonight a friend of mine told me about someone she loves making terrible life decisions. She said she had to hear these things second hand and that it's going to really hurt the family. I wish I could fix this situation and give my friend the words she needs, but all I can do is pray and make her laugh and encourage her. 

The worries of my heart pale in comparison to the wounds in words and the cuts in the hearts of these women and the people they love. Yet as I turn to ask God for the help they need, I find my own brokenness and failure and impurities and recklessness stacked like a wall between my heart and God. 

I know You see my heart, God. I hope you see a better future for it than I do. 

My folks and I stopped at the site of a major car accident today. We came upon it minutes after it happened. My dad was an EMT for several years, and his training immediately kicked into gear. He helped a young woman out of her car and sat with her till the emergency crew could show up while 3 other men tried to get the doors of the car that caused the accident open. In the midst of all of this chaos, I could barely think, I heard my mom praying. She was just asking God for safety for everyone helping and the best outcome possible for everyone injured in the accident. As she's doing that, all I can do is text a good friend and ask him to pray. 

Do I pray? Not really. What's wrong with this?

I'm exiling myself from God. 

I am so ashamed of the mess I'm making of myself with my utter lack of self-control and consistency or intention that I don't know how to approach God. All I can see is my failures and the knowledge that I'll probably screw this up again tomorrow because I'm a wreck. 

I know that my ship is sinking because of the giant hole left their by crashing into the iceberg of loneliness floating out here in the harbor of doubt that I seem to no longer remember to leave. Instead of patching the hole I'm just letting the doubt come through the hole with is causing major damage to the self-respect, self-esteem, and self-control I had safely stored there. I know I need God to fix that whole and fill it in, but I feel like I need to clean up the damage before it's fixed. 

I need to rember, as Donald Miller once wrote that I am "not above the charity of God," and let Him fix my damage when and how he wants. I need to let him. 

I'll just keep walking and keep fighting to be the best version of myself that I can be and continue to pray even if I'm a mess. King David did and I haven't murdered anyone. If David can be up front with God, I have no excuse not to try and keep trying. 

Twenty-Nine

Just shy of two weeks ago, I turned 29. I'm still trying to process this. I guess over the years I've come to see my birthday as my personal New Year's Day or, at the very least, a kind of clean slate for new dreams. It doesn't always work, but I keep trying. 

For my birthday, I decided to stop messing with one area of my life that consistently screws me over: guys. I'm not trying to sound bitter, but my track record is painful. I really can't take any more rejection at this point. I've decided that until I run across a guy who feels like home, I'm done trying to win guys over or charm them. It's not worth the stress when I'm not even feeling real hope. 

The other thing I'm trying out is going to be a renewed effort to learn to play piano. I recently came into possession of one and I'm hoping to get it tuned this week. It's beautiful and all the keys work. Good things shall follow. 

Twenty-nine may not be a pivotal year that changes everything, but it will be a good year. I have faith in this.