51

Tonight a friend of mine told me she's having trouble in her life. She feels like she can't get ahead and that she's on quicksand. I listen to her stress and worries and wish I could provide for her answers to all her worries and give her the words and solutions she needs, but most of it is out of my hands. All I can do is pray and do all I can to encourage her. 

Tonight a friend of mine told me about someone she loves making terrible life decisions. She said she had to hear these things second hand and that it's going to really hurt the family. I wish I could fix this situation and give my friend the words she needs, but all I can do is pray and make her laugh and encourage her. 

The worries of my heart pale in comparison to the wounds in words and the cuts in the hearts of these women and the people they love. Yet as I turn to ask God for the help they need, I find my own brokenness and failure and impurities and recklessness stacked like a wall between my heart and God. 

I know You see my heart, God. I hope you see a better future for it than I do. 

My folks and I stopped at the site of a major car accident today. We came upon it minutes after it happened. My dad was an EMT for several years, and his training immediately kicked into gear. He helped a young woman out of her car and sat with her till the emergency crew could show up while 3 other men tried to get the doors of the car that caused the accident open. In the midst of all of this chaos, I could barely think, I heard my mom praying. She was just asking God for safety for everyone helping and the best outcome possible for everyone injured in the accident. As she's doing that, all I can do is text a good friend and ask him to pray. 

Do I pray? Not really. What's wrong with this?

I'm exiling myself from God. 

I am so ashamed of the mess I'm making of myself with my utter lack of self-control and consistency or intention that I don't know how to approach God. All I can see is my failures and the knowledge that I'll probably screw this up again tomorrow because I'm a wreck. 

I know that my ship is sinking because of the giant hole left their by crashing into the iceberg of loneliness floating out here in the harbor of doubt that I seem to no longer remember to leave. Instead of patching the hole I'm just letting the doubt come through the hole with is causing major damage to the self-respect, self-esteem, and self-control I had safely stored there. I know I need God to fix that whole and fill it in, but I feel like I need to clean up the damage before it's fixed. 

I need to rember, as Donald Miller once wrote that I am "not above the charity of God," and let Him fix my damage when and how he wants. I need to let him. 

I'll just keep walking and keep fighting to be the best version of myself that I can be and continue to pray even if I'm a mess. King David did and I haven't murdered anyone. If David can be up front with God, I have no excuse not to try and keep trying.