Reminder in the Rain

The earthy smell of summer rain is coating over the ache of too much worry too little God. This wild lightning outside my window and the storm rolling in are reminding me of who wins in the end. Despite the neurotic, depressed, sassy mess that I am, the God of this storm, this truly beautiful, utterly powerful storm, loves me as his own. He created this storm, and He created me. 

I may not be as far reaching or blindingly beautiful as lightning, but I am a spark and light through the darkness because that's what my God and Father created me to be. And I may not be as powerful and my voice may not be as loud and commanding as this storm, but I have the strength of the God of thunder to guide me. His power is in me, and with Him in me and guiding me, who can stand against me? And my voice can speak with power and thunder when it needs to speak up for those with no voice or who need their stories heard. 

My God created me just as unique as the clouds and bolts of lightning. He made me beautiful, powerful, dangerous, cleansing, and life-giving. I am grateful this storm can remind me of what I sometimes lose along the way. God's reminders of His power and strength and of what He created in me never cease to blow me away. 

Close your eyes, listen to the storm, and I think you'll remember too. 

Poorly Plotted Discussion of Insanity

I cannot pretend to know the context of Spike's quote here because I am not far enough into Buffy, but I can say this, I understand those words. 

I have been looking at my heart lately and trying to see a future. I look at my heart, and I worry. I am not the woman I was a year ago, and I still haven't decided if that's something I can be happy about. 

A year ago I was scared because I knew I needed to find a new place, and I realized the little family I'd created, though completely fantastic, didn't need me like I needed them. This is not a bad thing. They were a unit, and they needed to be, but in the end that meant I needed to move. So I let myself get talked into moving even further from my family because I was told I'd have a home and a paying job. All I wanted was a job I could support myself with, and a home. 

I still am struggling to believe that I made a good decision. I'm struggling to believe that any of this is actually what God intended for me and that I didn't just screw it up. All I want is to know where I land is home, and to walk my path faithfully.

I know my heart. I know my desperately longings. I know the darkness I stave off and the darkness I am tired of fighting. There are days, too many days, where I wonder if I'm still human. I think it's the depression that tries to convince me that I'm a monster and that things won't turn around, but it's hard to say. 

I just want someone to hold up their end of a story or promise or idea. I'm sick of being the last one paid, the last one picked, and the one people use as a source and not the story. 

Either treat me like an adult and the "wonderful" person/friend/employee/lovable creature I am or tell me the truth: that I'm a jerk or a monster or not worth your time or whatever. At least then I will know what's worth giving up. 

In an attempt to start healing myself up (or to give myself a little time to do just that) I've decided not to text or contact the men in my life first. There are a few exceptions to these rules, but in an effort to stop pretending I'm important to at least one of these guys, I think it's wise to cut myself off. 

In an attempt to start clearing away the bitterness and "what if's" in another section of my life, I got the materials to make a gift for the new baby of an old flame/former best friend. I am hoping that if I can channel the residual good and love from our relationship into something for he and his wife's first kid...maybe I can finish walking away without tripping over a pit of my own bitterness, longing and loneliness. Maybe I'll actually heal a little. 

This may just be insanity or stupidity, but I hope these two ideas help. It would be nice to be in control of at least s little of my crazy. 

Favorite things of this very moment (1:27 am cst):

• The breeze coming through my window

• The sound of crickets

• Sleeping in my jean capris because I forgot to do laundry

• Having some good plans to look forward to this week

• Summer night sounds

• Vicks Puffs tissues

Imploding

My brain is on fire and even though there's a strong wind tonight it's only causing the fire to spread. 

I am in my own bed in my childhood home and tonight I'm trying to decide if I'm stuck in a cycle or if it's just the tired and the lonely eating away at my brain. 

The other night Calle and I decided to give up the addiction/unhealthy relationships we have with a guy in our life. Both of us need to either find new guy best friends or we need to get use to having only close girl friend's because what we've been putting up with is not alright. So in detoxing from a long standing on-again off-again emotional/psychological addiction to a man who shifts more than desert sands because I'm 28 and I'm done with this. 

My dear friend Jay, who my kind readers may fondly remember as "the tall one" from ages back, is getting married to my friend Kim on Saturday. They belong together, and I'm glad they've fond each other. Annoyingly this wedding has put me in a weird mood, and I am having vivid, hungry dreams. Especially when the dreams have decided to become specific, detailed, and leave me aching with longing I can do nothing about. My brain is a cruel creature these days. 

This is a night where John Mayer's "Edge of Desire" best speaks my lonely heart "I'm just about to set fire to everything I see / There I just said it / I'm scared you'll forget about me." 

Yep. 

Here I am, the forgotten, the lonely, the sleep-deprived contemplating investing heavily in romantic novels, cutting off my ties to the Internet, trying to convince myself that I do need to return to SC eventually, and wondering if the newly forming scar on my hand will be permanent. 

Too much. Always too much. 

Some Days There's Just No Good Way of Getting Rid of a Bomb

Somehow, even hundreds of miles from my job and current life, I still find it tugging at me trying to force my hand and make a mistake or a crazy decision.  Sometimes I wonder if my impulsive, broken, lost 19-year-old self is still grieving and somehow at the wheel of my heart.

I guess today I'm just a little frustrated that I still haven't been given the information to do my job to the best of my ability, and I'm a little worried that I'm somehow going to screw up the one thing in my life I'm proud of at this point.  And I was asked again about my going to ABC in the fall.  Yeah, that's my plan, to go back.  To finish this elusive degree.  To finally feel like I've got a bit of myself together.

What a joke.

Last night I started reading a book I'd picked up as a joke for someone else and ended up finishing it at 5 this morning.  It was one of those trash novels, and the bad bit was the fact that the girl was a character that in a really strange way I could relate to.  Not her looks or her money or her situation, but I understood the feeling that everything you touch gets broken and screwed up.  That somehow no matter what you do, it still falls apart.

I hate when my brain decides to do this.

So at this point, I'm running on 5 hours of sleep, a cup of coffee, and the fact that I get to go with my folks and the boys to go to David and Kelsey's for dinner in a few minutes.

Screw my impending sense of dread. Screw my worry that CofC won't stay off the ground because I can't get any of the questions I need answered.  Screw the fact that I don't have the money to pay for school or even stamps for the CofC letter at this point.  Screw those terrible trash novels that somehow make me idiotically introspective at 3:30 in the morning when I'm more vulnerable, lonely, and tired than I need to be.  Screw the fact that I'm still broken and bruised and bleeding internally from watching the guy I love get married nearly 2 years ago and knowing that in less than a month he and his wife will be ushering their beautiful new baby girl into the world while I'm still trying to figure out how to hold my heart together watching the life I'd hoped to create lived out by someone else.  Screw the fact that the guy friend I thought I could believe in keeps drawing back and there will never be a point in trying for a future there.  Screw my lousy self-control, my lack of self-confidence, and my complete lack of hope that a future.  Screw my badly scared body and weird health.

Screw all this mess.

Let me leave you this with.  I finished the first mix I've made myself in ages, and it pretty much sums me up.

What Rattles Here:

1. Life is Hard - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros
2. Get Lucky - Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams
3. Find My Way - The Gabe Dixon Band
4. Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw
5. When a Heart Breaks - Ben Rector
6. Dancing in the Dark - Bruce Springsteen
7. Latch - Disclosure feat. Sam Smith
8. Big Love - Jason Kertson
9. Love Me Again - John Newman
10. Half of my Heart - John Mayer feat. Taylor Swift
11. Needing Getting - OK Go
12. Rocky Mountain High - John Denver
13. This Too Shall Pass - OK Go
14. Another Kind of Green - John Mayer Trio
15. Don't I Hold You - Wheat
16. Let's Get Lost - Beck & Bats for Lashes
17. Chasing Pavements - Adele
18. Stealing - Gavin DeGraw
19. Chill in the Air - Amos Lee feat. Alison Krauss

Yeah...

 

Today has been stupid. 

Not entirely. I shouldn't say that. There's been a lot of good. Somehow the frustrating and weird are winning the battle of memory though. I'll try to wrap this up with the good. 

The hardest bit was finding out that my fall plans may be shifting a bit. I'll still be at ABC (unless something weird happens), but it may be a bit weirder. We'll see. God's got the situation under control and I know whatever decisions are made, they'll be for the best. It's just made me wonder if my life is stuck in repeat, and if so, will I meet a new Best friend? And if that's the case, can I just not lose him this time? That would be the only good in this cycle. 

Other bad thing? Realizing I'm like the bottom of the barrel instead of a priority in a friend of mine's life. Seriously. I've been forgotten, ignored, or only contacted when they were lonely, bored or whatever. Can you not give me 10 minutes of actual comfort? Because quoting scripture when my life gets flipped over is somehow not helpful. I'm sorry, that's bitter and vague which goes against everything I want to be, but it's still true. 

But for the good things, Children of Change got several donations today. My extended family is incredible, and I have hope for the future of our organization. 

Also, I got to spend time with sleep deprived Calle after getting 15 hrs of sleep myself. We made a strange, giddy, disorganized pair, but we found the stuff she needed for her high school graduation today. Plus we went to lunch together, and that was a lot of fun. She finally made me a pros and cons list (I think the pros won), and I got good unsweet tea. 

And then I spent several hrs tonight hanging out with Ian. He even brought me dinner, which was totally unwarranted and undeserved, but I enjoyed it. Introverts of the world briefly unite! And then I went back to working on one of my projects for Jay and Kim's wedding gift. 

I am weary and silly and being more of a child than I'd like, but I'll sleep and tomorrow I'll work and possibly attend a grad party and hopefully make myself go run. I don't know how things will pan out this week or month or summer, but this will all even out somehow. 

Sigh. 

Favorite things of this very moment (12:44 pm EST):

• Ocean's 11 on RiffTrax

• The Dr. Pepper that Ian brought me

• Finally getting to talk to Shebby

• That I'm yawning and hopefully will actually get some sleep tonight

• Evan Durham

• "I use to play bass for..."

• That tomorrow can be something better

Books Books Books & Yay for Calle's Graduation Day!

I'm with Calvin on this on.  Life could be worse, but it could be a lot better too.

On the upside, I got about 15 hours of sleep last night.  This was due to the fact that I hadn't slept even an hour the night before.  Sleep and I have become strangers lately.  I'm not a fan of that.  In the times I can't sleep, I read, so I've read about 3 books this week.  Not a single one of them was the book that Ian told me I should read and let me borrow.  I'm terrible at this.  Instead of a sweet sci-fi book by Piers Anthony, I've been reading a trash novel series called the Dark Hunter series.  They're by Sherrilyn Kenyon.  Again...TRASH novels, but the mythology created is pretty fantastic.  Too bad they can't take the concept and tone down the sex a bit and make it more story.  It would work for me.

Plus, the last book in the series I read (Dance with the Devil, if you're curious) introduced like 2 or 3 additional mythologies which I think she's created separate series of books for.  That's gonna probably be something I read eventually.  These are my terrible guilty pleasure books, and they're what I've been reading lately when I can't sleep. I'd look infinitely classier if I could tell you that I've been reading the classics when I can't sleep.  I do have a copy of Oliver Twist that I need to read sometime soon.  It was my favorite book as a child, and I'd like to read it again.  It had a Cinderella element to it that I think a lot of people really overlook which is a real shame.  I think a lot more girls would enjoy it if they realized that was there.  It's one of my favorite classic novels because in the end everyone gets what they deserve.  Oliver gets happiness and a family, the bad guys are punished, and Rose is happy.  It would be a good one to read again.

I also have been carrying my copy of Frances Mayes beautiful Under the Tuscan Sun which is an annual summer read for me.  If you've never read it, you should.  It's just so good.  You feel like you're part of Italy and it makes you want to be there.  I read it in the summer when I am daydreaming about where I'd like to run away (which happens at some point every year).  It's just a beautiful way to escape.  Plus it's full of recipes that I'd like to try eventually.  Chase down this book with some fresh sun tea in a tall glass full of ice on a front porch, and you are in business.

Unrelated to all these books, Calle is graduating from high school again.  It's funny because I moved so far from home, but I still have little siblings graduating.  Can't help but be proud of her.  We were talking about how strange it will be in the fall when we are both in college.  We're separated by 10 years, but we're still both going to school this fall so we can work with kids.  She'll be a teacher and I should finally finish my theology degree so I can be a youth minister.  Mine just means I'll be more qualified to work the job I already have with Children of Change as we grow and work with kids.  I'm hoping Calle's path is a little less confusing and complex than mine.  I know she's going to face challenges, but I'm hoping that she's smart and strong and makes sure she listens when God calls so she doesn't face as much needless heartbreak.

Spirit Animals & Going Home

Dean Winchester really is my spirit animal, but probably only where this is concerned.  I shouldn't say that.  We're both incredibly loyal past the point of logic or good health, and we both have a lot of self-loathing.  Beyond that, I really couldn't say.  I haven't watched nearly enough of the show to know if our similarities run any deeper.  I know I'm not the object of the opposite sex's burning desire though, so we don't have that in common at all.

Moving on.  All I'm saying is that I understand how little desire Dean has to jog or run.  I'm with him 100%.  I haven't been out running or walking or jogging or anything in well over a week and I'm supposed to do that 5K in about a month and a half.  I'm planning on dying.  I guess I should probably update my will and get as much living in as I can while I still have time.  I'll get to see Jay and Kim get married before I die, and I've had the opportunity to hold Ki, Ellie, Quin and play with Conor, so at least I'll die knowing the little ones I adore in person.  Plus I got ahold of a copy of John Mayer's cover of "XO" today, so nothing else really matters anyway.

I get to go home in about a week.  It is hard to explain just how happy I am about this.  I miss my family.  Deeply.  One of the things that is constantly driven home to me being so far away is just how amazing my family is and how hard it is to be without them.  I am truly lucky when it come to my family.  What's even better?  They're as excited about me coming home as I am to see them.  I'll get to see David and Kelsey's new apartment, Joel is in the process of trying to win a bet we have going over a screen play, I get to bake my dad pie, I'll get to talk to my mom about everything in person (and without feeling weird about who may hear me), and I'll get to make Forrest laugh.  I'll take pictures of everything and I'll get to cuddle with my cat, sleep in my own bed, sit on my front porch for hours, and spend time reading in my favorite chair in the universe.  For a little while all will feel like it is supposed to and I'll be able to breath without it feeling like a struggle.

I've had a really hard time the past few weeks just trying to stay motivated.  I want Children of Change to succeed so badly, but I feel like I'm floundering in my ability to be my best.  I don't think I'm my best right now.  I think I'm a little too damaged to be what I need to be, and I'm hoping this trip home will give me a little perspective and a way to heal.  Maybe the distance and climate change and actual meals will make a difference.  Plus Sun Tea.  Real sun tea.  No sweeteners.  Just the tea and ice in a tall glass with a good book.  Everything about that sounds like heaven.  

I can't wait to go home.

Favorite things of this very moment (12:50 AM EST):

• XO by John Mayer (do yourself a favor and buy it)
• The pair of black heels I was given tonight (for free!)
• My new lamp (Look!  Now there are more of them!)
• John Mayer's voice...le sigh
• My room being a not insane temperature, but rather being juuuuust right
• Calle and her terrible jokes about snails (er...Canadians)
• The prospect of sleep
• Getting to talk to Shelby (I miss her)