Imploding

My brain is on fire and even though there's a strong wind tonight it's only causing the fire to spread. 

I am in my own bed in my childhood home and tonight I'm trying to decide if I'm stuck in a cycle or if it's just the tired and the lonely eating away at my brain. 

The other night Calle and I decided to give up the addiction/unhealthy relationships we have with a guy in our life. Both of us need to either find new guy best friends or we need to get use to having only close girl friend's because what we've been putting up with is not alright. So in detoxing from a long standing on-again off-again emotional/psychological addiction to a man who shifts more than desert sands because I'm 28 and I'm done with this. 

My dear friend Jay, who my kind readers may fondly remember as "the tall one" from ages back, is getting married to my friend Kim on Saturday. They belong together, and I'm glad they've fond each other. Annoyingly this wedding has put me in a weird mood, and I am having vivid, hungry dreams. Especially when the dreams have decided to become specific, detailed, and leave me aching with longing I can do nothing about. My brain is a cruel creature these days. 

This is a night where John Mayer's "Edge of Desire" best speaks my lonely heart "I'm just about to set fire to everything I see / There I just said it / I'm scared you'll forget about me." 

Yep. 

Here I am, the forgotten, the lonely, the sleep-deprived contemplating investing heavily in romantic novels, cutting off my ties to the Internet, trying to convince myself that I do need to return to SC eventually, and wondering if the newly forming scar on my hand will be permanent. 

Too much. Always too much.