My Grown-Up Christmas List

Favorite things of this very moment (4:07 pm):

• The fact that I work at a job where I can play on the computer and no one thinks that's weird or bad
• My Fiji water bottle
• Not having to carry a book bag around today
• Not having school today :)
• Finding a present for Forrest
• Sales at World Market (Blood Orange and Pomegranate juices...I'm in heaven)
• Tape measures
• Quench hand lotion
• Finding James Taylor's Christmas CD on sale (Don't laugh, he has a very soothing voice)

I realize it may be a little early (technically) to start talking about Christmas, but as I've already mentioned in my favorites list that I bought the first of the Christmas gifts I intend to purchase, I feel I can skip the typical wait till after Thanksgiving protocol. That being said, I'd like to discuss my Christmas list for this year (both the real and the insane, the possible and the dreams):

1. Instant weight loss. I would like to lose all the excess weight I have accumulated over the years. I don't know if losing weight can technically be a gift as it is the absence of something, but it would be a gift I would like to give myself. In a magical world I could wish for it to all be gone and for me to be the perfect shaped woman I've always dreamed I'd be, but I know this is reality. Christmas will not see this goal accomplished, but it will have seen the beginnings of change.
2. Incubus' Alive at Red Rocks DVD. (Hopefully I'll convince David that he can get me this)
3. Truth serum. I am not kidding. There are so many people I would like to have, just for a little while be completely honest with me. (Ex: Jeff, Jay, David) I think it would be interesting to give myself a little as well and fill out some of those surveys I always have around because I'm sure there are some things that I don't even realize or admit to myself.
4. The Holiday soundtrack. Yep.
5. A life plan. To know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to figure this out so that I can actually plan to do something and accomplish it for once. I don't like the fact that I'm overly analytical and second guess myself constantly
6. A new journal. My old one is almost at an end.
7. A pass which would allow me to fly wherever I wanted whenever I wanted and take whoever I wanted with me for free. I would be in Ohio constantly. I'd take Saturday classes at ABC. I'd fly all over the world: Greece, Italy, England, Tahiti ("I'd go the whole wide world/I'd go the whole wide world just to find her/I'd go the whole wide world to find out where they'd hide her"), and Hawaii. I'd visit all those spots people always say you should visit, but you never have the money to because you can't afford the plane tickets.
8. A puppy. Having a puppy would force me to be more active and walk at least a couple of times a day, even if it was cold. Wonderful exercise, new friend.
9. A Philadelphia Story on DVD. It's still one of my favorite movies, and I still have managed not to buy it.
10. To fall madly in love. But what's more, I'd like that person to fall madly in love with me to. This person has to be male, believe as I do, want children (even if that means we have to adopt them), read...a lot, intelligent, be musical in some manner (singing, playing an instrument, whatever), gets along with my family AND my friends, and have an amazing sense of humor.
11. UHF on DVD. I don't have it and it drives me crazy because Forrest and Joel haven't seen it and when I say things like "Badgers, Badgers, we don't need no stinking badgers!" Or "Turtles are Nature's suction cup. Watch!"...they have no idea what I'm talking about and just think I'm crazy (which is not entirely untrue).
12. My very own sweet party house. With root beer kegs and Nikky as a roommate (this is a MUST). I don't know what more to say about that except that it would be just about the coolest thing in the entire world not to mention very conducive to creativity, insanity, and lots of laughter and pointlessness.

I think that's plenty enough to think about for now though it is no where near the full extent of my Christmas list. Enjoy. And hey, Merry Christmas. Even if that is a month and a half early at this point. :)

Best Friends and Leading Ladies

Favorite things of this very moment (2:19 pm):

• Getting to talk to Pauline (my friend from Sweden) on IM
• Warm socks
• My huge mug/bowl thing that I can put lots of mac & cheese in
• That Joel's headache went away and that he was able to get his homework done
• Quick responses to my emails
• Pictures of William Isaac
• "The Holiday"

I feel accomplished today. I got my sociology test done, did some shopping for my mom, and now I'm enjoying my down time. I need to finish my American Lit reading, but that's about it. Even more lovely? That I don't have class next Tuesday. I don't really have to do much of anything other than come up with a topic for my final paper until next Thursday. How lovely is that? It's kinda weird thought to just because I haven't had this much down time since starting school in August. Honestly I haven't had any real downtime since August. How nice.

I started thinking way too much on my way back from Dixon today. I don't want to be the best friend forever or the substitute person, but I am. I'm an expert at it. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm in this position because I need to be teaching just as much as I have to learn.

Think about it. I am a romantic to the nth degree. I've helped a lot of guys be the best boyfriend they can be. I've been a sounding board for ideas, I've helped plant hints, I've done a lot of errands and been on a lot of crazy shopping trips to help guys find that perfect thing, I've listened to a lot of stories and helped so many guys see where they went wrong. And then of course there is the unavoidable reality that I do all I can to make them all they can be. I've been the best friend of a lot of guys and the first girlfriend for a couple. Each of those times I tried to make sure that wonderful guy knew all the ways he was perfect. That he was hilarious and caring or strong and steady or whatever.

I know I am capable of encouraging and being a help to the people I meet...I just wonder if while I'm being that help...well I wonder if one of the guys I help will come back to me. I just want to know that I will find someone who will be all that I've seen guys are capable of. I've had to let some beautiful souls and wonderful men walk away for one reason or another, and I'm wondering if all of this will come around to me.

I feel selfish for saying that, and needy besides.

I've watched "The Holiday" several times this past week, and the thing that sticks with me isn't all the uber-romantic stuff, but instead that Arthur tells Iris that she's playing the role of the best friend instead of being the leading lady that she truly is. I already know that Iris is easily the most me-like character I've ever found in a movie, so the fact that he says that, it just hits me upside the head with the fact that this is exactly what I'm doing. I'm playing the best friend all the time, but never working on being the leading lady.

Being the leading lady doesn't mean everything falls into place immediately. It doesn't mean that I'll have a line of guys following me around, and it doesn't mean I have to stop being friends with the guys in my life. It just means that I need to get a clue. I need to stop with the moping and stop wasting my time. I need to be me and work on being more comfortable with who I am and doing what God is leading me to do. I need to lead, not to constantly follow. I don't need a guy. I'd like one, but I don't need one. What I really need is to be just fine the way I am. If God wants to add to that, He will, but it's not something I need to be obsessing over (not that it will stop right this moment, because it definitely won't).

It will be just fine. It'll all work out. It can only get better.

Right.

Now, I think I'll go start working on being all I can be today, and go from there.

Good News, Bad News

Favorite things of this very moment (6:38 pm):

• "Flame" by Cheap Trick (which is, incidental the last song I heard and the one that is on repeat in my head)
• Long replies to short questions
• Emails from Jay
• Babies
• Good voicemails
• Having an excuse to get off the phone quickly and that excuse being that I have to call everyone in the universe to tell them I have a nephew (notice: NOT niece, nephew!)

I am ecstatic. Lacey and Billy had there little boy. His name is William Isaac. He is 9lbs 7 oz and is 21 inches long! *sigh* I love babies. This means that I have to finally send out his baby blanket tomorrow and that I can go back to Walmart and buy that adorable little Tigger outfit that I wanted so badly to buy recently. This baby is getting spoiled!

Outside of that, I had a particularly long email in response to an incredibly short couple of questions. I was impressed with the length and sincerity of the response. I feel incredibly blessed to know that I mean enough to this incredibly tall person that they want to be honest with me. It leaves me feeling a little achy though...I hope someday someone talks about me like this. To know that someone cares enough...

"Bingo!"
"Scrabble!"
"Enough games! To the ratmobile!"

And on that note, I'm out.

A Tribute to Pointlessness

Favorite things of this very moment (1:08 pm):

• Transworld SURF magazine (I got my first issue yesterday and have been reading it ever since)
• http://www.timmycurran.com/ Check it out and download his cd "Word of Mouth" for free. It's actually a pretty sweet cd. (I found him in Transworld SURF because he is well...a surfer. haha)
• ITunes, despite it's quirks at times. (that and the fact that I still do not own an Ipod....someday...*sigh* haha)
• My white long-sleeved turtleneck sweater thingy (got me a lot of compliments on Sunday and it really is warm)
• Seeing David Ortiz on Regis & Kelly this morning (don't even ask why I was watching Regis & Kelly...I really am NOT a fan...but for David Ortiz...)
• Smiling

I'm doing way too many things at once. I'm trying to write this entry, delete music off Itunes, and email some other friends. Too much thought all at once. I think I'll focus on this first.

I should be reading my homework, but I've been needing a day off from life for awhile, so I'm slow to do anything I don't really want to do. As a result I've done very little outside of laundry, showering, listening to music, and enjoying Transworld SURF. I'm such a dork, but this magazine...fabulous.

I guess there's not much a point to this outside of the list. Forgive me. I don't have a lot of deep thoughts today...I just am in an insanely good mood for absolutely no reason and felt the need to share it. So I think I'll leave you with this fabulous note:

"life-lumps": testicles. Yes...that's what I've learned from reading Walt Whitman. :) I do love his poetry...for so many reasons. haha.

Hey, Hey, Hey it's Halloween!

Favorite Things of this very moment (9:13am):

• My Boston Red Sox baseball cap
• The Boston Red Sox
• Soft Kleenex
• That today is Halloween, so Harvest Happening is tonight which means soon it will all be over for one more year and November and all it's turkey-osity will begin tomorrow
• That my boss, Linda baked a bunch of cookies and cupcakes and everything for Harvest Happening's Cake Walk (and she doesn't even go to the church! She's just really sweet!)
• My Zuni hoodie
• My Vans
• Blumer's Cream Soda (which I will be taking with me in my picnic-for-one style lunch this afternoon)

A couple of great things:

1. Obviously the Boston Red Sox swept the series 4 games to none! Lowell got his much deserved MVP award. I mean, come on, the guy stole 3rd in Game 3, had a homer in Game 4, hit beautifully the whole post season, and is an amazing player. Period. Oh, and I've decided that if I write to one of the Red Sox in order to find love and to get married and have him fund my college education, it's going to have to be Dustin Pedroia. He's not classically handsome, but I've seen him in interviews and he's definitely someone I could have a wonderful time with. Now, to start writing that letter...

2. Harvest Happening is tonight. I had several calls last night from people who had decided to make baked goods. We'll have cupcakes, cookies, muffins, dilly pretzels (my favorite), brownies, and all sorts of good stuff. I'm glad too, because on Sunday I was worried we'd have nothing, and now I think we'll probably have MORE than enough.

3. I have lots of help for H.H. now too: Sarah, Jay, Carson, Kayla, Dalene, Zach (Nikky's favorite), Joel, Mom, Cindy, not to mention Ally and Morgan if they can make it. :) We're going to be just fine.

4. It's a beautiful day.

Alright, enough of the lists. I just am excited that things are actually falling into a good place. :) The only bad thing is that I have no idea what kind of silly costume I can put together. I may just have to take my light up fairy wand with me and carry it around in my back pocket and tell small children I'm the tooth fairy or their fairy godmother in disguise. haha. Yeah, lame, I know, but it would totally work out. :)

May Halloween only bring you treats, and no tricks.

It'll All Work Out

Favorite things of this very moment (3:23 pm):

• My Mom
• Knowing I get paid tomorrow
• That I'm done with my 2nd American Lit test and I think I did well
• That tomorrow is my sleep in day
• That I own The Holiday (which I'll probably watch before I go to sleep tonight)
• That I get to watch Joel's concert and eat pancakes for supper tonight

Don't let this fool you, I'm in a horrible mood. Well, that's not entirely true, but I'm not totally stressed out. Life is full of up and downs, and as far as this roller coaster goes, I feel like I'm going down a hill at full tilt. Sadly, unlike how I feel when I'm actually on a roller coaster, this is not exciting. This is just flat out terrifying.

My day wasn't bad. I've been able to focus on my classes, I slept well last night, I woke up easily this morning. I was at school on time, finished my American Lit. test early, and I think I did well. Math wasn't even all bad today.

But then I got to work. I found out that my hours were cut so that I work either Monday or Friday, but not both. Which means I go from 22 hours (which was low, but workable) to 16 hours which means that I choose between putting gas in my car and things like car insurance/phone payments and other necessities. I've been dealing with life on my little bitty salary, and now...it's going to be REALLY hard.

Oh, and did I fail to mention the fact that, today, right after I was told this, I was also told that we may not even stay open. They may close the store. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANYONE SAY ANYTHING TO ME AT ALL? I'm furious. I'm hurt. I'm brokenhearted right now. And I'm crying again dammit.

I'm sorry. I just...I feel like God's taken away what little security I had left. How rude is it to say that to God? I don't know. I'm glad He loves me because otherwise, He would definitely be gone right now.

I know I'm supposed to trust God, and right now, He's all I've got. I still have a place to live and a car (though I'm beginning to worry if it's going to die on me too) and I'm healthy (in theory at least). I'm so cynical and bitter at times...and I don't want to be. I definitely don't mean to be, it's not my intention, but...

I'm wondering if God is trying to get me to move. Do I need to move? And if I need to move, where will I go? I want to follow His lead, but I don't even see what direction He's pointing. When I said this to my mom (just this last part, mind you) she said that Abram didn't know where God was leading him when he started. She's right, as usual. I just wish she wasn't.

I saw two hawks on the way to work from Sauk. Two. I should've known there was a reason. I just, stupidly, figured it had to do more with me being heartbroken because my tall, handsome musician turned out not be mine at all...apparently it was more than that. Maybe one was for that heartbreak, and the second was for all of this. *sigh*

Now I just need to do a lot of praying, and get some others to pray too.

It'll all work out.

When Dreams Don't Lie

Let's skip my favorite things list for a moment and totally break protocol.

My nightmare was completely accurate (expect for the part about Jeff, and right now, I don't know if I even mentioned that part). "New friend Jenny" is very real. I knew it. He really likes her.

And now for the weirder part, I still can't cry. Not that it's even been 2 hours since I found out about this, but I just can't. I hope he's happy. He deserves all the happiness in the world. He's a good man. A strong man. And I think he's wonderful. I've been praying for him daily, that he would find peace and joy, that if I wasn't the girl for him that God would bring him that girl.

No, I'm not saying that this girl is for sure The One for him, but if she was, that's wonderful. Sure, it means that I'm still here broken hearted, but my time will come. Eventually. I don't ever want to be any one's last resort or 2nd choice. I want to be first. This is important to me, and I don't ever want to do that to anyone else either.

Right now there's a definite void. Very defined. And it's going to be frustrating putting him in a new place in the order of how I think and feel, but I will do it.

As much as I am tired of this place, it's the right one...

And now, to totally mess with everything normal, I shall make a list because this needs to end on a more positive note than me dwelling on being miserable. It would be a lousy thing for me to do.

Favorite things of this very moment (10:28 am):

• The Internet
• Real Simple magazine
• Walks
• That I can check my email at work
• Sleep
• "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6
• Grapes (which remind me of such silly times and taste oh, so good)
• My lovely Fiji water bottle
• The truth (even when it hurts)

I'm out.