Best Friends and Leading Ladies

Favorite things of this very moment (2:19 pm):

• Getting to talk to Pauline (my friend from Sweden) on IM
• Warm socks
• My huge mug/bowl thing that I can put lots of mac & cheese in
• That Joel's headache went away and that he was able to get his homework done
• Quick responses to my emails
• Pictures of William Isaac
• "The Holiday"

I feel accomplished today. I got my sociology test done, did some shopping for my mom, and now I'm enjoying my down time. I need to finish my American Lit reading, but that's about it. Even more lovely? That I don't have class next Tuesday. I don't really have to do much of anything other than come up with a topic for my final paper until next Thursday. How lovely is that? It's kinda weird thought to just because I haven't had this much down time since starting school in August. Honestly I haven't had any real downtime since August. How nice.

I started thinking way too much on my way back from Dixon today. I don't want to be the best friend forever or the substitute person, but I am. I'm an expert at it. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm in this position because I need to be teaching just as much as I have to learn.

Think about it. I am a romantic to the nth degree. I've helped a lot of guys be the best boyfriend they can be. I've been a sounding board for ideas, I've helped plant hints, I've done a lot of errands and been on a lot of crazy shopping trips to help guys find that perfect thing, I've listened to a lot of stories and helped so many guys see where they went wrong. And then of course there is the unavoidable reality that I do all I can to make them all they can be. I've been the best friend of a lot of guys and the first girlfriend for a couple. Each of those times I tried to make sure that wonderful guy knew all the ways he was perfect. That he was hilarious and caring or strong and steady or whatever.

I know I am capable of encouraging and being a help to the people I meet...I just wonder if while I'm being that help...well I wonder if one of the guys I help will come back to me. I just want to know that I will find someone who will be all that I've seen guys are capable of. I've had to let some beautiful souls and wonderful men walk away for one reason or another, and I'm wondering if all of this will come around to me.

I feel selfish for saying that, and needy besides.

I've watched "The Holiday" several times this past week, and the thing that sticks with me isn't all the uber-romantic stuff, but instead that Arthur tells Iris that she's playing the role of the best friend instead of being the leading lady that she truly is. I already know that Iris is easily the most me-like character I've ever found in a movie, so the fact that he says that, it just hits me upside the head with the fact that this is exactly what I'm doing. I'm playing the best friend all the time, but never working on being the leading lady.

Being the leading lady doesn't mean everything falls into place immediately. It doesn't mean that I'll have a line of guys following me around, and it doesn't mean I have to stop being friends with the guys in my life. It just means that I need to get a clue. I need to stop with the moping and stop wasting my time. I need to be me and work on being more comfortable with who I am and doing what God is leading me to do. I need to lead, not to constantly follow. I don't need a guy. I'd like one, but I don't need one. What I really need is to be just fine the way I am. If God wants to add to that, He will, but it's not something I need to be obsessing over (not that it will stop right this moment, because it definitely won't).

It will be just fine. It'll all work out. It can only get better.

Right.

Now, I think I'll go start working on being all I can be today, and go from there.