Small

Favorite things of this very moment (6:16 pm):

• My covenant ring
• That I don't have to go back to Sauk until next Tuesday
• That I'm only 4 classes away from the end of 1st semester
• That I am signed up for classes for next semester
• Orbit Spearmint gum
• The fact that the library is across the street from my house (and that Mom works there)
• Fake fireplaces that look give a spectacular ambiance
• Facebook's Interview application

Mist has officially descended onto the Village and surrounding towns. It makes me think of all those previews for that movie which I believe was uniquely titled "The Mist." Excessively original, but none the less, creepy. This fogginess has got me a little frustrated. It makes travel excessively slow and has severely messed with my otherwise productive plans for the evening. On top of which, it's helped push my mood into this obnoxiously sullen mode. Not very pleasant.

Seeing Shane at school today somehow made me feel a little less small. He wears a t-shirt inside out at least once a week. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that before. I'm not really sure why he does this, and I never can figure out how to properly ask. I don't want to be intrusive, but it's a curious thing to do, especially for a 22 year old young man. It's kind of endearing in a way too simply because it's a little quirky.

I've felt pretty small the past couple days. When you have kept yourself going by thinking, "well, he's in love, or at least thinks he is," only to find out that he's already jumped to the next girl... You realize that you don't really fit in anywhere in the grand scheme of his life or his heart outside of this weird position you've gotten yourself into where you are someone he can have listen to him on the bad days.

But what about the good days? Or when he needs someone to just spend time with, who does he call then? Not you. Nope, those are the days he wants to spend with the new girl.

Which is more confusing because you start wondering if he's been leading a sort of double life for awhile. Here you've thought that he's been alone for so long, but what if he's just been going from girl to girl, just never really been serious about one. What then?

That's when you say to yourself...is he a fraud? Maybe he's really not as mature as you've thought he was and maybe he has no clue what love or anything close to it really is, and if that's the case, maybe you don't really want anything to do with him at all. And so you become a little disgusted. With him and with yourself for believing in him, but at the same time...

At the same time, you realize just how little you really know about him, and you realize you have a hundred million questions that you'd like to ask him. But you don't know how. Do you call him and tell him that the two of you need to go out for coffee sometime soon or do you just email him your questions, because maybe he'll think you're crazy or maybe he won't be honest, and you know that in the end, your opinion will be the only thing you no for certain is real because you don't have any close friends in common so no one can tell you what's true and what's not.

But you've always believed in him.

And now you're perceptions of him are totally skewed and you're stuck wondering and feeling small in the face of the new girlfriend who graduated from college early and teaches elementary school and wants to go back to get her PhD in Genetics of all brilliant things. Maybe she could win the Nobel Peace Prize and drive a Ferrari while she's at it because the fact that she's caught his attention is apparently already something more than what you can actually do.

At least for now.

And so it is...you feel small. And you feel tired. And you begin to wonder if that toast between yourself and your mother last new year's really stirred the winds of change because although no one died, you're really not sure if this has been a better year and all your affirmations seem to be stretching thin.

*shakes head* Enough of that.